Boyfriend going to bars without me?

[savvy2008]

I posted a couple other threads recently for more information on our relationship. Basically my boyfriend used to be a big party guy (he is 33 now and no longer doing that). He would go to the bar multiple times a week and has many facebook friends and people he still keeps in contact with that he met from being at a few local bars pretty much every other day.

 

 

I'm not much of a drinker but he knows I would be interested to go with him. But instead he makes it a point to go when I can't. Like when it's too short notice to get a babysitter for my son, or when I work very early the next day.

 

 

Is this suspicious? He rarely will meet a guy friend there but most times he says he is grabbing a beer or two on his way home, alone. Aside from the fact that it's not really alone because he knows like everyone that works there and probably a ton of people going there, yet i hear no mention of these people ever, it doesn't seem normal that he wouldn't even send a "hey I'm going to this bar tonight" text to at least one person. So..is he being weird or am I?

[katiegrl]

I posted a couple other threads recently for more information on our relationship. Basically my boyfriend used to be a big party guy (he is 33 now and no longer doing that). He would go to the bar multiple times a week and has many facebook friends and people he still keeps in contact with that he met from being at a few local bars pretty much every other day.

 

 

I'm not much of a drinker but he knows I would be interested to go with him. But instead he makes it a point to go when I can't. Like when it's too short notice to get a babysitter for my son, or when I work very early the next day.

 

 

Is this suspicious? He rarely will meet a guy friend there but most times he says he is grabbing a beer or two on his way home, alone. Aside from the fact that it's not really alone because he knows like everyone that works there and probably a ton of people going there, yet i hear no mention of these people ever, it doesn't seem normal that he wouldn't even send a "hey I'm going to this bar tonight" text to at least one person. So..is he being weird or am I?

 

Every man I have ever been with, including my current (fiance), needed "guy time.". Shoot the shyt with the guys, talking sports, whatever.

 

Without more info, that is all this is.

 

No he doesn't want you there, it's not personal against you, it's his guy time!

 

My advice would be to let him have his guy time occasionally, don't bug him about it.

 

He will appreciate you for it!!

[PogoStick]

yes he needs his guy time. don't creep onto that. But, if you want to going out with drinks with him then tell him and plan a date night out. Simple.

[Guyouthere]

I posted a couple other threads recently for more information on our relationship. Basically my boyfriend used to be a big party guy (he is 33 now and no longer doing that). He would go to the bar multiple times a week and has many facebook friends and people he still keeps in contact with that he met from being at a few local bars pretty much every other day.

 

 

I'm not much of a drinker but he knows I would be interested to go with him. But instead he makes it a point to go when I can't. Like when it's too short notice to get a babysitter for my son, or when I work very early the next day.

 

 

Is this suspicious? He rarely will meet a guy friend there but most times he says he is grabbing a beer or two on his way home, alone. Aside from the fact that it's not really alone because he knows like everyone that works there and probably a ton of people going there, yet i hear no mention of these people ever, it doesn't seem normal that he wouldn't even send a "hey I'm going to this bar tonight" text to at least one person. So..is he being weird or am I?

 

You are being weird because you want to be with a guy who evidently doesn't respect you.

 

Need I say more?

 

Well yes, actually.

 

You have a really good quality guy there, let me say. After all, every woman out there now would just die for a guy who needs to go to a bar.

 

After all, there isn't any better out there than that

[savvy2008]

He gets quite a bit of guy time as we work opposite schedules some days so that is when we schedule in our girls or guys nights. This is different, he's going alone for no reason. Doesn't want to invite any of his friends, is just very vague about who he knows at these places, only saying there are regulars. He's the type to include friends in everything, a lot of his friends have become friends just from him always inviting multiple different friend groups to things he is doing. I guess it's weird that I know nothing of this side of him because he is so vague.

[savvy2008]

I guess I should have made it clear that this isn't some random time where he gets to have a "guy night", this is just some vague once or twice a month thing that he will spring on me and in 8 months it has always been when he knew I couldn't go. Is there another reason why he is purposely going on nights I can't, other than it being a guy night because I'm sure that's not it? I would maybe go twice a year even if he always went at a time that worked for me and I'm sure he knows that from knowing me and how I am. I just get a weird feeling about it but have no clue why.

[Versacehottie]

You think it's "no reason" because it's not a reason to you. Some guys like to stop in, shoot the sh*t, feel important/listened to in a guy way. It doesn't matter who's there because that's not the point. He does it so he can express who he is. If you think about your life, there are probably some things in it that "make up" who you are and that if your bf wanted you to "stop" them would make you feel smothered and clastrophobic. Frankly, I think you should let him do it and just keep an eye on whether or not the boost he gets from these visits is of alcoholic type behavior in nature. That's the only thing to worry about other than if you thought he was using it as a cover for cheating. I don't think you think the cheating thing or you would have mentioned it. If you are British, this is cultural to stop into the pub. If you are American, I'm sure that applies in certain parts of the U.S. As long as he's not doing it for alcoholic reasons, let him do it. And if he's doing it for alcoholic reasons, you'd want to get that sorted out or leave him anyway.

[katiegrl]

Sorry, I guess I misunderstood.

 

I thought it was him going to bar for a couple of beers after work, before he heads home. Which I don't see anything wrong with.

 

But with this new info, I dunno, it sounds like he might have some sort of secret life he doesn't want you part of.

 

Are you living together?

[savvy2008]

His dad died from cancer due to being an alcoholic. My boyfriend has struggled with the fear that he will follow the same path. His dad used to be the type to stop in a bar that frequently and so in the past year my boyfriend hasn't so much.

 

 

He still will drink multiple beers some nights, just one or two another night. He says he doesn't drink liquor often anymore. I've seen him take a shot before we went out to dinner (a couple times) and while he says he doesn't drink much, he has vodka, rum, red stag in his pantry and I've seen at least 2 big bottlespop up that were new, and the old one disappeared.

 

 

I don't know what my concern is honestly, cheating, alcoholism, pushing me away, lying, I have no idea what it is. But it makes me feel like something is off, I just can't figure out if it is or if I'm being crazy.

[savvy2008]

No we don't live together, just stay nights over back and forth maybe once a week. We live in different cities 30 minutes or so apart.

[Guyouthere]

I just get a weird feeling about it but have no clue why. <------- its called gut instinct.

 

And there is most often a VERY good reason why you are uneasy like that.

 

Its called "subliminal persuasion"

 

Your mind is picking up things on a subconscious level and trying to protect you from "something that isn't right".

 

Ask me how I know.

 

I went as far as to discredit my own at times,,, because I didn't want to believe something was off.

 

And when I did that, I wish I hadn't ignored it to begin with.

 

Gut instinct is an evolutionary thing and works in ways we don't even fully understand, but it is very real and has a definite purpose in life.

[rester]

It sounds to me as though this is his "escape". Some guys play golf, some bowl, some do woodworking or tinker on their car(s), and others go to bars.

 

Unless there is a larger problem such as alcohol issues, this to me sounds like a guy wanting to break up the week/month and escape for a few hours.

 

Edited to quote the following:

This is different, he's going alone for no reason.

 

I don't think it's no reason. It's his alone time, even if he's not alone. Is your issue maybe that you don't approve of how he spends his alone time? For example, if he were to walk around town a couple times per month by himself, for no reason, would you wonder why he does that?

Edited October 26, 2015 by rester

[joseb]

OK, let's assume for a minute that he is up to no good and leading a bit of a secret life.

 

If you two don't live together, then why would he tell you he is going to a bar at all? Why not say nothing, or he was going for a walk, or going to bed early or whatever?

[smackie9]

His secret life is that he is hiding his drinking from you and all his friends. I myself growing up in a family of alcoholics.....they never admit they have a problem, they lie about the amount they are drinking or that they are not drinking anymore, they will hide their liquor, they sneak off drinking alone whether its at a bar or in the shed, etc.

 

Sounds to me he is in denial, and is trying to convince you he has it under control. It's real tough to tell them they have a problem, they usually need to hit rock bottom and destroy their life before that can admit they need help.

[acrosstheuniverse]

. Is there another reason why he is purposely going on nights I can't, other than it being a guy night because I'm sure that's not it? I would maybe go twice a year even if he always went at a time that worked for me and I'm sure he knows that from knowing me and how I am. I just get a weird feeling about it but have no clue why.

 

Usually the simplest explanation is the most likely... My first thought is he's planning these visits on the nights you aren't free precisely because you're busy, he doesn't want to be sat in alone and wants to go see friends? If you're free and he's choosing the bars regularly without inviting you that's one thing... But you can't go, so why shouldn't he?

 

However, trust your gut. If you feel something is off, it probably is. Unless you're meeting actual friends to hang out at a bar it doesn't make any sense to me why you'd just drop in on a bar alone in case someone you knew was there. But maybe a lot of people do that, just nobody I know.

[phineas]

I guess I should have made it clear that this isn't some random time where he gets to have a "guy night", this is just some vague once or twice a month thing that he will spring on me and in 8 months it has always been when he knew I couldn't go. Is there another reason why he is purposely going on nights I can't, other than it being a guy night because I'm sure that's not it? I would maybe go twice a year even if he always went at a time that worked for me and I'm sure he knows that from knowing me and how I am. I just get a weird feeling about it but have no clue why.

 

So he goes to a bar twice a month to hang out and you have an issue with that?

Seriously?

 

Is he binge drinking?

 

What is the wierd feeling?

That he's cheating?

That he's doing crystal meth?

That he's enjoying himself without you?

 

I'm trying to understand the issue here.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Me personally, I stay away from dating women that are bar flies. They claim to be going to "watch a band and enjoy the music". Though that sounds appealing once in a blue moon, but to do it weekly ...a bit off putting.

 

Funny, there's this one female friend, almost 50. Her and her other early 50's female single friend (they are both single/unattached), tend to hang at this one place all the time to watch this same band play over and over. I would refer to them as "groupies" in conversation, and she got a bit torqued saying, "We're not groupies, we've been close/good friends for them for a long time, they even invite us to their homes for the holidays.

[sagamore]

His secret life is that he is hiding his drinking from you and all his friends. I myself growing up in a family of alcoholics.....they never admit they have a problem, they lie about the amount they are drinking or that they are not drinking anymore, they will hide their liquor, they sneak off drinking alone whether its at a bar or in the shed, etc.

 

Sounds to me he is in denial, and is trying to convince you he has it under control. It's real tough to tell them they have a problem, they usually need to hit rock bottom and destroy their life before that can admit they need help.

 

THIS. Your boyfriend drinks a lot, even in his "scaled back" state. He drinks every day, some days more than others, and takes an occasional shot before dinner? And his dad died from alcoholism-related cancer? I feel for him but he needs intervention in a big way. I'm very sorry

[Els]

I think it's a bit much to assume that he's a closet alcoholic based on this information alone. It's a possibility, but one of many. If having a drink or two a day, keeping some drinks in the pantry or going to the bar once or twice a month makes someone an alcoholic, that'd mean that some countries have a population of 90% alcoholics, including little old ladies...

 

That being said if you feel something is really off, trust your instincts. Talk to him. See if anything stands out. Perhaps reassess why you feel you don't trust him. There might be a good reason.

[katiegrl]

I guess I should have made it clear that this isn't some random time where he gets to have a "guy night",

 

 

***this is just some vague once or twice a month thing that he will spring on me and in 8 months it has always been when he knew I couldn't go. ***

 

 

Is there another reason why he is purposely going on nights I can't, other than it being a guy night because I'm sure that's not it? I would maybe go twice a year even if he always went at a time that worked for me and I'm sure he knows that from knowing me and how I am. I just get a weird feeling about it but have no clue why.

 

savvy, I'm confused. In your original post, you said he would go multiple times a week, and the above says it's once or twice a month.

 

So which is it? Big difference between multiple times a WEEK, and only once or twice a MONTH.

 

If it's only once or twice a month as you say above, just let it go....and let him have his time with the guys on his way home from a tough day!

 

Guys don't even need to know anyone there .... even though you say he does. They're perfectly comfortable going alone, it is acceptable for guys to do that, unlike it is for women.

 

No need to call a buddy beforehand to join him ... again unlike for women who are usually uncomfortable walking into a bar alone. Mars vs. Venus... lol

 

They just sit at the bar, have a couple of beers and talk to whomever is around doing the same thing. Probably watch whatever game is on.

 

It is not a big deal at all, my fiance does this once in awhile, it's just a way to unwind after a long day.

 

If it's multiple times a week like you said in your OP, then that might indicate a problem that needs addressing.

Edited October 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[joseb]

His secret life is that he is hiding his drinking from you and all his friends. I myself growing up in a family of alcoholics.....they never admit they have a problem, they lie about the amount they are drinking or that they are not drinking anymore, they will hide their liquor, they sneak off drinking alone whether its at a bar or in the shed, etc.

 

Sounds to me he is in denial, and is trying to convince you he has it under control. It's real tough to tell them they have a problem, they usually need to hit rock bottom and destroy their life before that can admit they need help.

 

It's definitely possible but I dont really see the evidence from these posts.

 

I also grew up with an alcoholic. He never said he was stopping for a drink, he just did. And he never could have 1 beer.

Everyone has some liquor in their house, most more than this guy. And he's going to this Bar a few rimes a month.

 

Now, if he was doing this every day, I would be worried. I know functioning alcoholics that stop off in their "regular" pretty much daily. They don't have 1 or 2 drinks though. They go through more like 6 or 7.

[katiegrl]

It's definitely possible but I dont really see the evidence from these posts.

 

I also grew up with an alcoholic. He never said he was stopping for a drink, he just did. And he never could have 1 beer.

Everyone has some liquor in their house, most more than this guy. And he's going to this Bar a few rimes a month.

 

Now, if he was doing this every day, I would be worried. I know functioning alcoholics that stop off in their "regular" pretty much daily. They don't have 1 or 2 drinks though. They go through more like 6 or 7.

 

OP said once or twice a month.

 

 

I agree with you joseb....

 

 

OP, stop making a mountain out of a molehill, it's ridiculous.

 

 

He stops by the bar once or twice a month for heaven's sake. That is hardly cause for alarm, sheesh!

[thecrucible]

OP said once or twice a month.

 

 

I agree with you joseb....

 

 

OP, stop making a mountain out of a molehill, it's ridiculous.

 

 

He stops by the bar once or twice a month for heaven's sake. That is hardly cause for alarm, sheesh!

 

lol if it was me, I'd want him to go out and enjoy himself from time to time. Also means I have time for myself as well.

[katiegrl]

lol if it was me, I'd want him to go out and enjoy himself from time to time. Also means I have time for myself as well.

 

Absolutely! I'm not sure what's going on with the OP - perhaps she is just insecure about the RL in general, and looking to find things to bytch about (or just get upset about), I dunno.

 

Seems ridiculous (and rather possessive) to be upset or even concerned about him grabbing a few beers on his way home... once or twice a month.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but I'm a woman and if I can't go out once or twice a month by myself doing what I want to do what do I need a relationship for? This is just too much for me.