TheBathWater Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) I posted on here several weeks ago asking everyone for some advice about a female friend of mine who I wasn't sure if she had a thing for me. We've known each other casually for a couple of years through an old friend of mine she used to date, who moved away a while ago. Until recently, we only saw each other around mutual connections/social circles. Now, we've started meeting up one-on-one occasionally. Well, we had sex. I took her out for a drink while I was passing through town and as I went to drop her off at home afterward, she got all glossy eyed and jumped on me. I ditched my plans for later that night and took her back to my place overnight. We had sex three times. When we were having coffee the next morning, I asked her if this was a one time thing or if she wanted to get together again sometime. Her response: "My heart's not really open right now. I've just been out of a relationship for a couple of months". "I understand", I said. We shared one more nice kiss, and then parted. So, here I am back with the same question... what do I do now? I can't tell if she just had sex with me because she was drunk, or if we could hook up again. She didn't really answer the question directly when I asked her. This woman confuses me. Edited October 26, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine
Truth34 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 You politely go your own way. Hindsight, being the proverbial bitch that it is, tells you that you shouldn't have asked her "what this was", in my opinion at least. Just take it for what it was, a good night with a friend(?) and then proceed to give her a call in a few days or a week to plan another outing. But because of the dialogue you did have, I would lean back and just play it cool. I don't know which one of you usually initiate convos and meetings, but if it is you, then just lay off for a little longer than usual. Obviously disregard this if she reaches out to you first. For the time being though, no more future or "us" talk!
mrs rubble Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I posted on here several weeks ago asking everyone for some advice about a female friend of mine who I wasn't sure if she had a thing for me. We've known each other casually for a couple of years through an old friend of mine she used to date, who moved away a while ago. Until recently, we only saw each other around mutual connections/social circles. Now, we've started meeting up one-on-one occasionally. Well, we had sex. I took her out for a drink while I was passing through town and as I went to drop her off at home afterward, she got all glossy eyed and jumped on me. I ditched my plans for later that night and took her back to my place overnight. We had sex three times. When we were having coffee the next morning, I asked her if this was a one time thing or if she wanted to get together again sometime. Her response: "My heart's not really open right now. I've just been out of a relationship for a couple of months". "I understand", I said. We shared one more nice kiss, and then parted. So, here I am back with the same question... what do I do now? I can't tell if she just had sex with me because she was drunk, or if we could hook up again. She didn't really answer the question directly when I asked her. This woman confuses me. I think it means she'd be happy to have a no strings/FWB type arrangement, with the possibility of more later. I could be completely off track though. The real question is what do you want?
Author TheBathWater Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I think it means she'd be happy to have a no strings/FWB type arrangement, with the possibility of more later. I could be completely off track though. The real question is what do you want? She and I get along but I'm not sure about long-term potential for various reasons. While I wouldn't disregard the idea of it, I guess I am more just wanting to have sex with her every now and then. I am open to all outcomes and attached to none.
Guyouthere Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I think it means she'd be happy to have a no strings/FWB type arrangement, with the possibility of more later. I could be completely off track though. The real question is what do you want? sounds to me like you were just used. A real woman who wants you and values you will not act that way.
Author TheBathWater Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) But because of the dialogue you did have, I would lean back and just play it cool. I don't know which one of you usually initiate convos and meetings, but if it is you, then just lay off for a little longer than usual. Obviously disregard this if she reaches out to you first. For the time being though, no more future or "us" talk! I was thinking something along these lines. Thanks. And yes, it usually is me that initiates. Maybe once every 1-2 months I write her, she writes me, and we plan something casual. We're in the same profession and use each other often for ideas, discussing projects, etc... It is not usually romantic, but I sensed (imagined?) for a while there might be something there, and so I turned up the flirty volume over drinks last time, and voila! One question though: you said no more future or "us" talk. Why is that such a bad thing? I've heard this from a few people at other points. I could see if someone was coming at you strong and wanting a commitment, but I don't see anything wrong with not playing games/leaving guesswork and just being on the same page. Is it really that being aloof and ambiguous are prerequisites now to sustain a connection? Edited October 26, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine
bu2002 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 No need to define anything right now. Just lay low for a few weeks and then get in touch with her again and ask her if she wants to watch to movie together. She'll get the hint at that point and she'll either be down for it or not. 1
Truth34 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Tuna, I am laughing right now because your question posed to me is the same question I have. I don't get it at all. But it seems women are very fickle when it comes to their emotions and swings of yes/no/maybe/wtf am i doing. I know I am not, and if a girl were to pose this question to me I wouldn't be weird or unsure about it. One thing I do know about it, and this isn't always a bad thing, but by bringing up that topic it already paints you as caught. The chase and the subconscious wondering in a woman's mind is a big plus to have on your side, rather than coming out and extinguishing the rush by pretty much admitting you are very interested. And before you say "why", let me say I have not a clue. And as a straight forward person this sort of game is practically insane. So yeah. Just pretend you could care less, obviously in a polite way. Plan another meeting when you normally would and see what her response is. Good luck! 1
Author TheBathWater Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Tuna, I am laughing right now because your question posed to me is the same question I have. I don't get it at all. But it seems women are very fickle when it comes to their emotions and swings of yes/no/maybe/wtf am i doing. I know I am not, and if a girl were to pose this question to me I wouldn't be weird or unsure about it. One thing I do know about it, and this isn't always a bad thing, but by bringing up that topic it already paints you as caught. The chase and the subconscious wondering in a woman's mind is a big plus to have on your side, rather than coming out and extinguishing the rush by pretty much admitting you are very interested. And before you say "why", let me say I have not a clue. And as a straight forward person this sort of game is practically insane. So yeah. Just pretend you could care less, obviously in a polite way. Plan another meeting when you normally would and see what her response is. Good luck! Yeah, it drives me insane too. I used to play the game more when I was younger. I'm in my early thirties, and I just don't see the point these days. This woman, and many others, I have probably screwed up by doing something like this, but I have never viewed it as me admitting to them I am very interested or as in wanting a commitment. To me, it's just being authentic. Somehow, it gets interpreted that way by them/this woman, I think. But I mean, we slept together! In this culture, we are quick to take off our clothes but slow to take off our social masks and just be honest. I think the chase/not knowing piece is some kind of unconscious archetypal thing where some women like to feel inferior and not good enough to the man, and that if they 'win him over' it will give them redemption. I'm way over-simplifying, but I think there is some truth to it. Edited October 26, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine
TMNewHamp Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Inasmuch as I don't seek similar situations out, I have been there a few times. Every situation is different (obviously), but in all of those situations, I sensed a cold (perhaps alcohol-induced ) reaction from the females in those harrowing and without any sensitivity, a rather abrupt and cold reaction. Again, sometimes alcohol unfortunately brings it a level that you never intended. I am a bit different sometimes....well-educated....a balance of quiet and an inclination to discuss others' maladies. I am a therapist. Thanks to my loved father- a GP(now deceased), I adopted those caring traits. That's my makeup- just as others should be aware of their innate inclinations. I was cheated on with my last marriage...I provided and did so much...a brief attempt at in vitro, and then she met another. I was left within 2 weeks. For those women who may sense a good man, I am not touting myself...I did so many things, but I assure I was not stepped upon. I simply had to deal with a person of 8 years taking off. Like all of that time meant nothing. The day that she took off (with van and the dogs whom I loved), I just sat there and cried...I do not do that easily. But that at that time I realized what is to be human. Every decision (when it comes to a relationship) is a gamble....I know that- just like many who have gone through the same thing.To be left so abruptly really changed my thinking. Inasmuch as I try to understand her pathology, it was a traumatic event.No one understood what she had done to me...it was like they couldn't even fathom. So more isolation. I have to go through open- heart surgery a week from now.I am not that old- in fact due to blessed family genes I look 20 years younger. So I have to keep that fear, albeit no big deal as something that can affect ur life. All of these thoughts are normal....I always think....but now I have become tired of not only caring for people that couldn't care less, but also whether I will make it through the surgery. And that is what I mean....always a chance I will not make it. So adieu!
Truth34 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Yeah, it drives me insane too. I used to play the game more when I was younger. I'm in my early thirties, and I just don't see the point these days. This woman, and many others, I have probably screwed up by doing something like this, but I have never viewed it as me admitting to them I am very interested or as in wanting a commitment. To me, it's just being authentic. Somehow, it gets interpreted that way by them/this woman, I think. But I mean, we slept together! In this culture, we are quick to take off our clothes but slow to take off our social masks and just be honest. I think the chase/not knowing piece is some kind of unconscious archetypal thing where some women like to feel inferior and not good enough to the man, and that if they 'win him over' it will give them redemption. I'm way over-simplifying, but I think there is some truth to it. Exactly. And I'm much the same as you, in that I just like to be honest with how I'm feeling. And maybe not even that deep always, but just say "ok, what are we doing?" in a light hearted way. Like you said, you both had sex. That is a big deal, or maybe it just used to be? I feel strongly about this because I really think that this had a hand in ruining my friendship-turned-romance this summer. Not acting like I was interested, per say, but talking about "us" and what the future would hold. I think that was partially the reason behind her fading away and not being able to tell me why. Other than it had "nothing to do with me", which, ummm, okay. I'm just another genuine guy like you. And while it's endearing to some women, others look at it like "well, if he is in the palm of my hand than I can do better" which is such a sad reflection on them. I've always just wanted nice things, I know that somewhere there may be something that is better. But I am content.
joseb Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 She and I get along but I'm not sure about long-term potential for various reasons. While I wouldn't disregard the idea of it, I guess I am more just wanting to have sex with her every now and then. I am open to all outcomes and attached to none. So here you sounds like you would be just fine with a friends with benefits arrangement. I think she may be open to that, considering her behaviour, and what she said about not wanting a relationship. I suspect you asking straight away if she wanted to get together again sounded to her like you were looking for a relationship.
Author TheBathWater Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I suspect you asking straight away if she wanted to get together again sounded to her like you were looking for a relationship. I suspect you are correct.
Hopeful30 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) You politely go your own way. Hindsight, being the proverbial bitch that it is, tells you that you shouldn't have asked her "what this was", in my opinion at least. Just take it for what it was, a good night with a friend(?) and then proceed to give her a call in a few days or a week to plan another outing. The moment you try to put a label, reactions change. Even if you dont have expectations, the other person might suddenly think you do, whether its in your favour or not. When you question the experience, rather than experiencing it, it loses its value. Edited October 26, 2015 by Hopeful30 1
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