Need financial from unsupportive dad and feeling depressed

[blackcat777]

I need some financial help from my unsupportive dad and I have no idea how to get my point across.

 

I have no other family that can help me right now.

 

I moved home unexpectedly two years ago after a car crash resulting in a concussion where I couldn't speak properly and count (fortunately I recovered with no problems). The incident also got me out of a bad relationship (blessing in disguise), but I came home with no money and literally nothing but the clothes on my back and whatever belongings I could stuff in a car.

 

Since I've been home, I took the opportunity to go to school. I never went to college, I knew I'd be grossly unhappy with a 9-5 desk job. I became an esthetician (skin care therapist), which means I can work under doctors in a medical setting and assist in cosmetic procedures.

 

But this meant attending "beauty school," which is completely illegitimate in my dad's eyes.

 

Before I came home, I was a bartender in a country where I made a plush living due to a living wage and an educated, polite population that tipped when they went out.

 

Now that I'm home, I make less than 1/3 of what I used to make. The regulations for what I must be paid where I live are less than $3/hr... and getting stiffed is so common. I was stiffed four times in a row the other day. I have a $500 bill waiting for me at the end of the year for taxes that I owe because my wage doesn't even cover my taxes... yeah, it's horrible.

 

SO I WENT TO SCHOOL TO GET A NEW JOB WHERE I WILL DO WELL FOR MYSELF AND BE HAPPY.

 

I thought my dad would be soooo happy because I finally decided to go to school!

 

He thought it was the worst idea and that I should waitress forever.

 

I pay my dad rent... a fairly steep amount. I could move out, but it's safer than what the 1-bedroom alternatives would be in terms of safety. And I love my kitties.

 

I asked my dad if he'd waive my rent just for the months I was in school (less than a 1 year program). I never ask my dad for anything. I asked him once for a Playstation in 5th grade. I always paid for my cars, starting back in high school. I pay all my bills. He doesn't buy me clothes, food, toothpaste, underwear, NOTHING. And I was always fine working! I could do it myself. It made me independent.

 

Anyway, I was going to school five days a week, working six days a week, and had a series of mental breakdowns over the summer because it was just too much.

 

My dad still refused to offer me any help, but reluctantly (VERY reluctantly and begrudgingly) said I could pay him back whatever bills I couldn't pay him.

 

So, continuing to work 6 days a week, the total of what I owed him was $100 less than the amount of rent I paid while I was in school. (Ironic.)

 

Now, my dad is RICH. Drives a Porsche, works at home, sips martinis at the local Republicans club. While I was in school, he bought a new TV as big as one wall in the house, huge ridiculous stereo, $10k worth of stocks (he bragged to me about it), solar panels for the house including electricity for the next 20 years, year passes to all sorts of other things, and he's away on a 10 day getaway right now.

 

After I graduated, I managed to get my foot in the door at a med spa where I will learn a TON OF AWESOME THINGS and MAKE A TON OF MONEY, but my training is going to continue for a couple of months before the owner unleashes me on clients. In the meantime, I'm working as a receptionist. Soon I'll be able to perform mini-services, I can work large parties and events. Next month, I'm going out of state to complete some additional certifications to get me on the book for other services faster (my boss is currently turning people away for these services because she has no one to perform them). It's an extremely high-end locale... (within walking distance of my long-distance boyfriend's house, so eventually i can move to town and close the distance gap in my relationship ) so my boss doesn't want anyone just out of school taking a scalpel to people's faces.

 

But she's willing to train me in all kinds of $$$$$ difficult procedures, so really, it's the most amazing learning opportunity in the world. It's such a blessing.

 

I'm at the spa four days a week as a receptionist. When I'm not doing reception, I'm often there afterhours to train. The days I'm not at the spa, I'm at the restaurant.

 

The restaurant is hell. I don't know how else to say it, but it's hell. People routinely grab me, they threaten not to tip me if I don't steal food from the kitchen for them, and I get stiffed all the time. My coworkers are terrible. I come home and cry at least once a week. I cried twice this week.

 

Anyway, I need a little bit of help. Despite the fact I am working 7 days a week, I can't pay my bills. The restaurant is like a gamble. I can't get any more than 4 days a week as a receptionist. Because my school program was so short, I wasn't eligible for student loans, had to do third party financing, and start throwing up the cash right away.

 

By the holidays, I WILL be making money. I am stuck in transition.

 

Every time I try to talk to my dad about it, he's so mean to me. He cuts me down. He has a fit when I can't pay him.

 

I wake up every morning feeling like the biggest failure. No matter what I do isn't enough. It's made me so depressed to the point where I feel like (read: feel like... definitely WOULD NOT ACT ON, but feel like) killing myself.

 

I can't afford groceries. I feel like I've been cannibalizing myself. I need new pants for the winter, my old ones are ripped up. I need to change the oil in my car. I can't.

 

I have out-of-pocket expenses for my new job that I can write off at the end of the year, but I'm screwed for paying them now. I went to a conference today. Boss bought my ticket, boyfriend paid for my parking.

 

I'm scared I'll become a drain on my boyfriend.

 

This all hurts so much because my mom threw me out of the car one day and just drove away. End of story with my mom. I always imagined that my dad cared about me, but after living at home these two years, I feel like it's painfully obvious I'm just an obligation that he does the bare minimum for and that he resents everything I am, everything that I do.

 

Every time I try to talk to my dad and ask for help, he cuts me down, makes fun of me, and tells me he has no money.

 

He didn't even say congratulations when I graduated. He didn't go to my graduation.

 

I've just worn myself to the bone fighting as hard as I can fight, and it's frustrating me to death because everything I do is not enough. I need some help.

 

If my dad JUST stopped charging me rent until I'm on my feet with my new job, I would be fine to pay all my bills. I could even throw him SOME money for rent (at least 50% of it). It would just save me the stress of pulling my hair out and crying for those ****ty days at the restaurant on the days I make no money there.

 

NONE of my friends had to pay rent for the four years they went to school. So many of my friends' parents give them so much more, when they have so much less.

 

I don't think I'm entitled to anything, and I absolutely feel no dignity in living off someone else's money. I want to move out of my dad's house ASAP. I just really, honestly need some help because my best efforts are not enough. I don't need a lot and I don't need it for long. But I need a little push.

 

I feel so rejected and horrible.

 

I don't know if it would be worth seeing a counselor, or seeing if my dad would go to some kind of family counseling with me. I don't know what to do. My dad is one of those people that when he talks, he is ALWAYS RIGHT and there is NO ARGUING PERIOD. Everyone needs to think like him or they're idiots.

 

I could also work at another restaurant in town... but it would be the same people and the same problems. I just need less pressure until I'm on my feet at the spa because I'm about to crack.

[sunrise24]

Hi blackcat777,

 

Your situation is similar to what mine used to be; I lived with my father from the ages of 23-26, and he was very much like what you've described about yours. Yes, my father was also well-off: 6-figure income, worked from home frequently, perfect credit score.

None of that matters; moving back into his house was one of the costliest mistakes of my life.

 

It sounds like you're still holding on to hope that your father will somehow change and ease up on you, to give you a break and validate your accomplishments; I can tell you from firsthand experience with my father that such hope is futile. Ultimately, the only person you can change is yourself.

 

It's natural to be in circumstances where receiving help can benefit you greatly as opposed to otherwise; the issue here is not that you need help, but that you've been expecting help from the wrong kind of people. Consequently, this help that would make a significant difference for you has failed to manifest. Support does exist... elsewhere.

 

By focusing on surrounding yourself with passionate people who truly care about you (and who take great care of themselves), you can continue to see a difference in how your life progresses and how easily adverse circumstances can be overcome (you show signs of having already started that transition).

 

Another statement that jumped out at me:

 

NONE of my friends had to pay rent for the four years they went to school. So many of my friends' parents give them so much more, when they have so much less.

 

This is irrelevant; you are not them and your parents aren't theirs. Comparing your situation/background to theirs will do nothing to change yours. All you can do is make the most with the hand you've been dealt.

 

***

 

This post was a long read; I have a bunch of questions which may help to shed more light on your circumstances and merit feedback more tailored to what works for you:

 

1.) What country did you live in before and where do you live now?

 

2.) Have you been able to make any sincere friends from your time at beauty school or working at the med spa?

 

3.) How many cats do you have? Do you know of anyone who can babysit them when you're feeling overwhelmed?

 

4.) From what I've read in some of your previous posts, it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a fairly healthy relationship and he's demonstrated that he's there for you during your especially challenging times; have you talked to him about your current living & work situation? If so, what has been his insight?

 

5.) Building off questions 2 & 4: Regarding that conference, how did your boss feel about buying your ticket? How did your boyfriend feel about paying for your parking?

 

P.S. Based on what you've written about him in previous posts, I find it very hard to believe that your boyfriend would ever see you as a leech, especially since you have a well-established history of taking initiative with taking care of yourself.

 

6.) How is your boyfriend's town compared to where you live in terms of safety and work/housing opportunities (in addition to the med spa)? What if, for example, there are nice restaurants in his area, such that you can stop working at the current "hell" restaurant? (bonus: you could have all your work in one area)

 

***

 

I might have other questions at some point, but for now, I think that's enough on my end. We hope to hear from you soon.

 

No matter how depressed you may be feeling at any given moment, you at least have something going for you with that med spa; that's something to be proud of, from within.

Edited October 26, 2015 by sunrise24

[Els]

I'm sorry you're going through that, OP. Working full-time while studying is hard, I empathize.

 

That being said, I do think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that as an adult, you can just rock up and demand that your dad finance you through beauty school. Yes, some people are fortunate to have their parents pay for their tertiary education, but it is a privilege and not a right. And many of the parents who paid for their kids' college had stipulations on what sort of major they were or weren't allowed to take. The kid has the choice of taking their offer or leaving it. Perhaps sad and judgmental, but such is life.

 

I agree that your dad was wrong to do some of the things he did to you, but you can't change him. And I think it's a waste of your time and effort to try to convince him every single day to help you, especially when he is treating you in an abusive manner. As unfortunate as it is, it's blatantly obvious that he can't be bothered. So conserve that energy to help yourself and get out of there.

 

If the rent you are paying your dad is holding you back, prioritize moving out. You don't NEED a 1-bedroom apartment all to yourself! Get roommates like most students do to save money (bonus - it's also safer than living alone as long as you do some background checks on your roommates). Most of us shared a house with 3+ other students, the rent is cheaper the more people are in a house. Also suburban houses tend to be cheaper than urban apartments, it just requires a longer commute.

 

Also, can you take loans out for this? That might help you close the gap, and the interest might just be worth it.

 

All the best, I truly hope you achieve your dream.

Edited October 26, 2015 by Elswyth

[blackcat777]

Thank you both for taking the time to read and reply. I always tend to make posts like this when I'm at my emotional wit's end. I woke up feeling more sane today and like a bit of a fool for complaining so much about my life.

 

I guess it hurts so much because my dad is the only biological parent I have. My mom was insane and insanely abusive (like child services would have swooped me up in an instant if they had known abusive), and my whole life, I always told myself, well, at least I have my dad, my dad cares.

 

The sobering truth of living with him as an adult is that I'm closer to more of an obligation he feels pity for. He has no interest in the details of my life or knowing me as a person. So I guess it's like that whole abandoned child thing all over again. I just wanted one parent to love me a little bit, maybe.

 

Can't win them all...

 

For the practical details: I blew all my savings to get into school.

 

I don't make enough to pay my bills AND rent, since school started and I've had to pay the third party financing immediately. I theoretically should make enough and some weeks I do, but I don't always.

 

It will probably be 2-3 months before I have an income increase at the spa. If things stay the way they are, it's 2-3 more months of banging my head against the wall. I've put up with my situation for almost six months... so I try to tell myself it's just a few more. Really frustrating when the goalpost keeps getting pushed back.

 

All the restaurants in my town would be basically the same as this one. Restaurants in my boyfriend's town would be better, BUT, that's an hour away from home and a lot of commuting. I crash at my boyfriend's place on the nights I work at the spa to cut back on the commute, until I get a place.

 

If I were to look for a place now, I'm still in a bind, because I don't have first/last month's rent saved for the initial deposit. The only way for me to come up with the deposit somewhat quickly would be to say, screw you, dad, I'm not paying rent, and as soon as I can, I'm leaving.

 

It's really weird because he KNOWS I want to move out and I feel like he's keeping me here by charging so much.

 

I try to be nice to him when I talk about moving out and say I'll still visit. Last time I said that, he said he'd put a parking meter in the driveway.

 

So... I'll be able to get out within the next few months... just not as soon as I like.

 

I am thinking I should take care of all my bills first and make the rent my last priority, give him what I can when I can, and stop torturing myself so much.

 

My boyfriend is insanely supportive. He paid for ALL our fun this summer, camping trips, etc. His attitude is that we're together for the long haul and he'll do whatever it takes to make me happy. He's been so insanely generous already that I'm starting to feel horrible. He just paid almost $400 for me to enroll in a special class for an additional certification I can use at the spa, to make more money sooner. (Even with the class, it's going to be at least a month from now until I start seeing money from that.) Of course, all the proceeds I make from my new skill will go immediately back to my boyfriend and I told him I'm buying all the concerts he'll allow next year.

 

I was thinking about loans, but that might be worth examining in greater detail, if I could get enough to get out of the house. I don't have much credit because my credit score from abroad doesn't transfer.

 

I used to live in Canada. Toronto was my happy place. It was a shock coming home. I became so accustomed to the metropolitan, open-minded, multicultural, eco-positive, extremely polite environment... and then moving back home to a rural area where everyone totes confederate flags, belongs to the KKK, and loves to go out to eat for all you can eat specials and... not... tip...

 

I maybe just need to vent until I'm through it. Thanks, everyone.

 

It makes me sad that I'll never really have a relationship with my dad. I guess there's only so much I can do.

[Tayla]

 

I maybe just need to vent until I'm through it. Thanks, everyone.

 

It makes me sad that I'll never really have a relationship with my dad. I guess there's only so much I can do.

 

You sound overwhelmed, sorry that things are taking longer to achieve your professional goals.

 

As to your adult relationship with your Dad, Its not a "never". The future is yours to modify and work towards change. Just as you would not want your Dad

writing you off... be mindful to keep persuing ways to enrich this family member with memorable times. We only regret the things we didn't do...

 

I think you'll find that as you grow as a fullfilled lady, your dynamic relation with your Dad will evolve. Keep that window open .

[Els]

That's awful about your mom, blackcat. Sorry to hear that. And it's definitely rough to have to move from a place you love to a place you dislike. Home is where the heart is, not where you are born. I would be absolutely GUTTED if I ever had to leave this beautiful country and go back to where I was born, so I can identify.

 

I don't think you should worry too much about your boyfriend. If he is helping you by his own accord (ie you aren't asking for it) then it's usually safe to say that he doesn't mind it. Of course everyone wants to feel appreciated, so as long as you show your appreciation and try to reciprocate in different ways then it should be fine.

 

Just do whatever it takes to get through these couple of months. Crossing my fingers for you!

[Kayaen42]

Your boyfriend sounds awesome and very committed to helping you achieve independence and to you as a person. I think as long as you show you are working hard and appreciate the help he is giving, are committed to him and give back what you can, you shouldn't feel guilty!

 

I'm sorry about your dad. I don't understand why he doesn't appreciate your efforts and help you out with something as noble as basic survival while you work your way up. It seems like you have proven that you won't become a leech onto him already, and any professional progression is damn near impossible without financial investment. It seems like he would realize that helping out just a bit will help you on your path to success and independence rather than hinder you.

 

It seems like you two have different ideas about careers and what determines success. Perhaps he is silently threatened by the fact you are different than him and taking it too far?

 

My dad was always pretty supportive and gave me what he could to help me reach my goals. My mom has never been that way as she has a very specific idea of what I should do and told me she didn't want to "put her money to waste" for things my dad would help out with.

 

No parents are perfect and I understand why children need a bit of tough love at times, but your case sounds very reasonable and I'm totally on your team!