opalant Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I was coping really well, then the past few days my ex has been in my head non stop, I've kept NC don't even know how long it's been now, I've stopped counting. Saw a video of my ex on my Facebook feed tonight though even though I've blocked him because I'm friends with one of his friends. I watched it and unfollowed his friend so that his stuff doesn't come on my feed again but it just brought so many emotions back. He's gotten so much better looking since we split up, for the benefit of his new gf no doubt, when I see him I think of all of the good of the relationship, my brain completely ignores the part where he emotionally and physically abused me for years. I HATE him, but I also love him and it's annoying me. I'm trying not to push myself to move on faster because I know that won't work but I wish I didn't cry every time I saw even a picture of him. -.- He's got a new gf now and it makes me feel so not good enough, he's going to treat her like rubbish too (probably) but for now he's treating her like he used to treat me at the start and knowing that is torture. He and her are both blocked on everything but my mind does think about it from time to time. I don't want him back because too much has happened and I don't even like him as a person anymore, but it still hurts. I think it's because I'm alone and he's not, I just feel like I look pathetic, we were the 'it' couple in school because we were together for so long, now I just feel embarrassed because he left me and now he's with someone new who's better looking than me, I know I shouldn't even think or say that but it's true. I just hate how he's shown me the monster he truly is and everyone else thinks he's an absolute saint. I just want the memories to go away too, they hold me back so much, I keep thinking of one really good trip we had to Amsterdam and how happy we were, this was just before things went really down hill in May this year, 1 month before we broke up. Any advice on how to make myself have more happy days than sad days, I feel like I'm getting nowhere this past week and all my progress has gone.
Truth34 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I know the feeling of seeing this on social media. My heart flutters ever so slightly, and I stop scrolling for a moment. It's tough, as we all know. My situation was heartbreaking, but we weren't BF/GF, and it wasn't a very long fling. But still, all the memories and daily conversations leave me empty on many days. It's been almost four months for me. The bad days suck. But I'm past the crying phase, and now when I think of her I just feel down. Like a great friendship was thrown away for something that shouldn't have even happened. I have my own regrets, and that sure doesn't help me move on. I know the girl who I used to joke with, talk for hours and hours on the phone to, and lock eyes to eyes with is no longer. Whether she ever has a heart string pull her back to talk to me (not senseless convo), who knows. And I'm trying to tell myself with absolute certainty it won't happen. My advice is going to be somewhat simple. Know that you aren't being judged against him in terms of relationship status. Look how many people have been treated like garbage and tossed aside! It happens to many a good person every day. And like you said, you don't want him back. You know he was no good for you. You don't have to pretend to be happy. I really think some people try to put on that facade during their darkest times. And that really stunts your recovery, because you are not only hurting, but you're expending more energy to put up a front as well. That leaves you more brittle and exhausted, because once you are alone with your feelings and thoughts you know what happens. So if you're down, be down. Cry. Listen to sad music that matches your mood. And lastly, you need to set a goal. Nothing elaborate, but just work towards something. And avoid any validation for that goal, as in, don't make it something that involves other people to help you get to it. That means dating, or other types of "fill the void" activities. For me, I decided to go buy some weights and do a short regiment each morning. Nothing drastic, but just something to slowly improve myself. I still have sad days. But I would say that my attitude has changed immensely in the last month, to where I don't find myself looking for depressing music any more. And more often than not, I am back to listening to my regular speed stuff. I'm no longer at work being constantly distracted by thoughts of her. There is no trick. Of course, stay busy and surround yourself with friends. Go out and do things you haven't done, or that you know you enjoy. But be okay with your feelings, don't push them. They will fade when they will. Goodluck. 1
louxor Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 when I see him I think of all of the good of the relationship, my brain completely ignores the part where he emotionally and physically abused me for years. You gotta break those rose tinted glasses - Force yourself to think of the bad things every time you think of the good. Make a list on your phone of the bad things, every time you feel yourself feeling down, read through the list and do this until you drill your brain into realising how bad he was for you. I HATE him, but I also love him and it's annoying me I'd be pretty confident to go ahead and say that you don't actually love him. You love who you want him to be, not who he actually has proven himself to be. I'm trying not to push myself to move on faster because I know that won't work but I wish I didn't cry every time I saw even a picture of him Now that you've blocked him, make sure that any mutual friends of his are also blocked (or unfollowed at the least) so that they is no way that anything related to your ex can show up in your feeds. He's got a new gf now and it makes me feel so not good enough, he's going to treat her like rubbish too (probably) but for now he's treating her like he used to treat me at the start and knowing that is torture. People can hide their true selves completely for around the first 3 months of a relationship. Don't worry about how he treats her now, that's not who he really is and you know that already. I just feel embarrassed because he left me and now he's with someone new who's better looking than me, I know I shouldn't even think or say that but it's true. Again, you're skimming over the fact that HE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU. Who cares who he is dating now. Even if she were a victoria's secret model, why should that matter? He is a horrible person - there is nothing to be jealous of. I just want the memories to go away too, they hold me back so much, I keep thinking of one really good trip we had to Amsterdam and how happy we were, this was just before things went really down hill in May this year, 1 month before we broke up They won't just go away, but it's up to you to decide whether you'll let them keep you down, or push you forward. Just keep drilling into your brain all the bad things he did to you and you will come to realise that they significantly out-weigh the good. 1
Author opalant Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 How do I stop loving who I want him to be? How do I stop loving the old him that doesn't exist anymore? How do I stop putting so much significance on our good memories as well? Or will this just go away in time? It's been nearly half a year since the break up now and I feel like I've made 0 progressive, sometimes I think I'm doing great, then I go back to feeling like this again and it's so disheartening.
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 For a start you defriend and block all his friends! Why on earth did you keep them in the first place? The video you watched means you're back on day 0 of NC. Time to start counting again... It will get better in time. As your title says it is a rollercoaster. When you're down, realize that there will be up's soon! Eventually the up's get more frequent and the downs get less common. For now you just have to ride through the downs until you get to the next up!
Author opalant Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I did block his friends too, but now two of them are in my college class so I kind of have to keep in contact with them otherwise the next year of my life is going to be super awkward, I've unfollowed them now though so we're still friends but their stuff doesn't come up on my feed.
louxor Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 How do I stop loving who I want him to be? How do I stop loving the old him that doesn't exist anymore? How do I stop putting so much significance on our good memories as well? Or will this just go away in time? It's been nearly half a year since the break up now and I feel like I've made 0 progressive, sometimes I think I'm doing great, then I go back to feeling like this again and it's so disheartening. It's all about mastering your downs - What I mean by this is, you develop an arsenal of techniques you can use to help speed up the turn around from feeling down to feeling up. These techniques would vary from person to person but simple things like what I mentioned earlier about writing the list of all your ex's negative qualities and then referring to it when you start to focus only on the good memories is a good place to start. Personally, whenever I start to feel myself going into a down about my BU, I shift my focus to my hobbies and the things that I enjoy (If it's possible at the time). Some of these things include going for a run, playing guitar or painting. I find these 3 to work the best because they require a solid amount of either physical or mental attention (or both), which means that while I'm doing them, I don't really have my space left to think about my ex. Over time, by forcing myself to get up and do these things when I feel myself falling into a down, I've noticed that the downs are coming less often, because I'm starting to really enjoy all my hobbies and they are beginning to occupy the time that I would have, in the past, been dwelling on my BU. 1
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