MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I'm 22, just moved back into town after graduating college with a degree in Bio. Two months before I graduated I met up with a woman (20yo, will call her Anne) through mutual friends. Anne and I met up a few times, talked, went out to dinner, went to the park, and eventually ended up having intercourse on our 5th or so get-together. So, we went through a stage of about two months of talking and casual sex before I inevitably asked her to be exclusive. We really hit it off from the get-go but i had to make sure that a relationship is what we both really wanted before I dropped the question (just got out of a five year long relationship 6-7 months earlier). So now we have been dating for almost six months, talked for two, and she really is an amazing person. She loves me very much, always doing little things for me, I do them in return, we both just love spending time together, and the sex is the best I've EVER had (I've been with 6 other partners, and some of them were quite skilled). However, I have since discovered that she has had sex with 14 people including me. The worst part is that I actually know seven of the people she has slept with, and it really hurts when I heard a few of their names. For example, one guy is a total tool who just used her for sex and never talked to her again. She obviously made a mistake by trying to talk to that guy and I know mistakes happen to everyone, but it just really bothers me. She's honestly the coolest girl I've ever hung out with: great personality, loving, caring, knows the difference between right&wrong, and NOT A WHORE. Let me repeat for those who are reading impaired, SHE IS NOT A WHORE. It seems as though she seemingly chose the wrong men to go after and they screwed her over. Who would have thought, right? So the questions are.... What should I do? I'm having a hard time thinking of anything other than that I know these guys who she had sex with? Now that I'm back in town, I may actually run into a few of them. For example, I went to high school with two of them and the others I knew from partying and what not. Some of them are complete a**holes while others are some-what decent human beings. Like I said, it's just like she went after the wrong guys and it hurts because I know she was used for sex. What the hell would you do in my situation? Imagine that you're in a relationship with your dream girl and this happens. Thanks in advance for being considerate in your responses.
BLND Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 And out of the women you slept with she knows none? Honestly speaking, would have been as upset if she slept with 6 and you slept with 14? And how do you know the exact number? did you ask her?
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 She knows two of the women that I slept with, both who are now in committed relationships. Honestly speaking, I don't care that she has slept with more people than I have, I was in a relationship for 5 years prior to ever having met Anne. I asked her and she told me 14. I believe her.
BLND Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 So there you go. She knows them yet I doubt she's going around feeling as upset as you are right now about it. I think you're overreacting. This clearly isn't worth for your world to be flipped over. Everybody has a past and everybody makes mistakes. Some guys make the girl believe she is the best thing that can happen to them, and lots of girls fall for it. It's called making a mistake. If you're happy with this girl right now, I suggest to enjoy that and stop looking for trouble where there is none. 2
menyou Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Her sexual past should be none of your concern as long as it's not continuing and she hasn't brought anything into the relationship. You will dwell on this and ruin a relationship you seem to be happy in if you don't get past this.
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 I'm happy to have someone as level-headed as yourself reply back so quickly. Thank you for the advice, BLND. Still I have this part of me that is afraid of what I may do when seeing these people again in public, especially if I am approached. I'm not quick to anger but instead very cunning and intense. Any suggestions for me so that I can keep my cool in the uncoolest of conditions? I've never had to deal with dating someone with past sexual partners. I have only been in one serious relationship, with my first lover. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Numbers are dumb to talk about unless your emotionally mature. Last gf of mine had slept with 4 guys including me. Myself, 8. She called me a man whore and dirty and diseased.. she was very immature about it. My number is either double hers, or of the same magnitude, however you see it. She must have seen it the first way. The girl I'm seeing now has been with 25 guysish, 6 girls. I've been with 12 now. Neither one of us batted an eye lash... Who the **** cares how many guys someone has been with? It was her body, she owed you nothing before you. Stop being insecure about it and grow up. What is it you are worried about?
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Menyou, I am well aware that if I continue the relationship will crash&burn. I'm trying to prevent that. Does it not concern you all if you were in my situation and knew people your SO has already slept with?
thecrucible Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 This is why that conversation should no beyond saying vague things and definitely not mentioning names. Don't ask questions when you can't deal with the answers. Just curious, what would you think if she told you that she hadn't been used by that guy but instead said that it was just casual? Would this make you feel better or not? Also you say the sex is great so you're benefiting from her experience. If what you have is real and you both feel satisfied, then surely the people from the past don't come into the picture?
thecrucible Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Menyou, I am well aware that if I continue the relationship will crash&burn. I'm trying to prevent that. Does it not concern you all if you were in my situation and knew people your SO has already slept with? Oh I can definitely see where you're coming from. It's really weird when you see them about. Is she still friendly with those guys from the past? I totally know how you feel. When a name gets put to it, it gets more real. I never tell a man the names of guys I've slept with.
sandylee1 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Sometimes you just meet guys who aren't the one and you have to move on to the next. Had she been in a LTR she wouldn't have had such a high number, but things don't always pan out that way. It also depends on when she became sexually active. At her age, I'd just had 2 partners. She's been honest with you and I can understand how you feel knowing 7 guys she's been with, but she felt safe enough to tell you. You must be from a pretty small town to know half of them. I'm not really a fan of discussing the names of Ex partners with your current partner. It's not necessary IMO. 2
Giggle Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Good lord you're a big baby. Let her go since you can't get over it.
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 TheCrucible, No she hasn't talked to any of them really in a while. She had a bad experience last time (not even going to ask about that) and went on a string of almost 4 months of no sex or even talking to another guy. It just really sucks a biggin that I know these dudes. However, since i live in a small town I probably would have eventually found a few names out myself, so I'm somewhat thankful that she told me herself. LOVEREFRESHED, I agree. You and I are very much alike that I don't really care about the number, it's just different when I went to high school with some of these guys and know them.
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Giggle, hop off. I found out like 3 days ago.
thecrucible Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 TheCrucible, No she hasn't talked to any of them really in a while. She had a bad experience last time (not even going to ask about that) and went on a string of almost 4 months of no sex or even talking to another guy. It just really sucks a biggin that I know these dudes. Well that's good. She doesn't carry around any drama from the past so there's no reason for them to get anywhere near you guys. The fact that in a small town you are likely to know many people, this I guess is one of the downsides you have to accept. However, since i live in a small town I probably would have eventually found a few names out myself, so I'm somewhat thankful that she told me herself. It's nice she felt comfortable with you to tell you those things. I completely understand the small town phenomenon as well. I live in a small town too. If I date a guy, I most likely know some of his exes from somewhere. It actually doesn't bother me so much but I think men are different. Men feel more territorial about a girl. I actually don't date in my town anymore because all the men who've been interested in me know each other. It only makes me feel uncomfortable in the sense that I wonder if they've had a conversation with each other about me and what I'm like in the bedroom department. At least these guys aren't close friends of yours. Are you likely to see them socially for any reason? Are they respectable people?
StBreton Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 OP ...as you grow as a couple and especially in your 20s ...you will meet a lot of new friends ...I'd recommend not spending a lot of time around the people she's told you about and expanding your social circle. Take up a new hobby together and make new friends that way. After a while ...you'll have almost forgotten about anyone else and it won't bother you. When my ex and I got married ...we'd each only been with a few partners. But ...as far as we were concerned ...we were "virgins" ...in fact we used to joke about it. I liked to think about it just that way ...and so did he. 3
LoveRefreshed Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 But I don't understand. Doesn't matter if you know them or not, unless they are in both of your lives. Then the problem would be more about insecurities that you'll lose her to one of them again, that she'll **** them again, or that you're just going to be the next notch.
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 The crucible, I'm actually the next guy she talked to after the four months of abstinence so that makes me feel pretty good too haha. But I may see some of them just around, you know how it goes in a small town. Two are not respectable.
thecrucible Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Obviously I can't speak for her but I'll attempt to convey a sense of her feelings. She is probably glad she felt comfortable enough to share those facts with you but she was likely also worried about your reaction and whether you'd accept her past, as it's really difficult to open up to someone and entails a lot of vulnerability. She can't do anything about her past now and in some way it's contributed into her growing into the person she is now. It's not something she would want to have to revisit too many times. She may also have been in some tricky situations with those guys and decided to cut her losses and move on. I know that dilemma myself. You think to yourself that your number is going up and that doesn't look good to some guys but then if someone isn't right for you, then that's just it and you have to move on. Also about being used for sex...it obviously felt right for her in the moment. There's a lot of that in life - stuff that feels right in the moment but you look back and regret it. When you're dating someone, the older they are or more experience they have, it's going to come with lots of baggage at the same time.
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 LoveRefreshed, I'm one of the "alpha men"(I'm just a good guy who has his prorities straight) in my small town and it seems as though she used to go after other "alpha men"(but really just douches). I'm not worried about her going back because she's not that kind of girl, plain and simple. I think that my problem just lies in that I have never had to deal with this before and I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job.
thecrucible Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 The crucible, I'm actually the next guy she talked to after the four months of abstinence so that makes me feel pretty good too haha. But I may see some of them just around, you know how it goes in a small town. Two are not respectable. Yeah I know how it is. I see my exes at least once every couple of weeks. At least I am good at dealing with break-ups now. You have to learn to do that when you're likely to bump into them. Well think of the positives. You were the first guy she talked to after four months of abstinence. So obviously she had some not so good experiences and after four months of a break, it would seem that she'd chosen you very carefully. As for the not so respectable guys, I guess many women have a guy like that in their past (though also many are lucky not to have one). I actually cringe about some of the guys I've been with in the past but I don't feel bad because I can't go back and change it so...It's sometimes easier to find yourself with a bad guy then you think, especially when you're younger and more naive. She is only 20 so she maybe met them with less experience to see their true character. So she had sex with those guys? So what? What can you give her that only you can give? A lot of love and romance and appreciation and being there for her. Maybe she hasn't had a guy before who deeply cares for her? You're not less special. You can give her a lot and she will see you as the only guy in the world. 1
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 TheCrucible, thanks for your advice and putting it into a different perspective for me. Thank you all for your advice. Just made up my mind to say **** IT and be happy. Just asked her to go out to dinner tonight. Y'all have a good night and thanks for all the support! 2
BLND Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I think you should focus on how to make her relationship with you better, than what she's had so far. Your reaction,is also the reason why so many girls lie about the number of sexual partners they've had. If she trusted you enough to actually tell you, you should respect her honesty and don't make a whole thing out of how many guy she's had in the PAST. 2
Maxtor Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 As long as her birthday party doesnt include them, your good to go. Otherwise, it can be kinda awkward. 1
Author MET90 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 BLND, I did not react negatively when she told me everything. I merely shook my head and said 'okay.' Not judging her at all. "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" (John 8:7). 1
Recommended Posts