Wife had 6 month affair with coworker

[Dyeinghere]

This really weird. My wife had affair with coworker both nurses. It's been 30 years ago. I found out by finding a note to him she either started and didn't finish or started over and didn't tear it out of pad. She was wishing him happy anniversary and asking him if he remembered where they were 5 months before. I tore it out and confronted her the next morning as she worked at nite. She admitted it without hesitation. She followed with she thought it was about over though. I dealt with it in a odd way I think. After initial shock I told her she had to tell him it was over and she agreeed so I let her meet him alone and tell him but gave a time limit she could be gone of nomore than 30 minutes including driving time which she did. We had been married for 13 years with 2 kids. The coworker was also married with 1 child. I found note to W before they were caught of him saying he loved her and she didn't talk to him much anymore unless they were arguing or fighting or what ever and he did like the whatever and intended to keep her around for a long time. Now we stayed together I put it behind me within 2 weeks and never thought of it again I asked very few questions when it happened. We live together for about 17 years and she died and I loved her and she me I think at least she said she did. I remarked a year after her death to old fried I knew in high school and have been very happy. We have been together for 13 years and now my first wife's affair has reared its ugly head and is causing me so much pain and have questions that can never be answered now. My wife is very supportive but I need this to go away. Anyone have any suggestions.

[m.snow]

I suggest you seek a good counselor. an Individual counselor.

Or you may want to talk to a pastor if your a religious.

 

It is important to speak with a professional dealing with marriage problems.

 

Sometimes our dark past tends to rear its ugly head in our present and future.

do not take it lightly, It could affect your current relationship and even cause self doubt.

[BetrayedH]

It took me a long time to reach a point where I had accepted my wife's affair, found closure, and moved on. I'd say it was about 3 years and it was after A LOT of studying and analysis.

 

For what's it's worth, my wife was never forthcoming with answers or details. My closure came from within. As an example, you may struggle with trying to understand "why" your former spouse had an affair. I did, too. After researching affairs to a great extent, I now feel pretty comfortable saying that I understand why my wife had an affair better than she does.

 

My point in saying this is that you may very well be able to do the same. You've spent decades trying to sweep the affair under the rug. It didn't work for you. I'd say to dig that stuff out from under there. Sift thru it and keep doing it until you're ready to iust throw it in the trash because there's nothing more to learn.

 

Therapy can certainly help. It was too slow for me. This place was much better. It was available 24/7 and it was free.

 

Ask some questions here. You may find answers.

[road]

Dyinginhere your post was hard to understand.

 

 

I assume you have a second wife.

 

 

Not clear in the timeline of your life.

 

 

Though lacking that my best advice is to let yourself be mad. Though when you trigger think off something else, and or do something that will move your mind onto something else to keep you occupied.

 

 

With time your triggers will get less and pass faster.

 

 

You now realize the importance of needing answers to your questions. You have now allowed yourself to no longer ignore what your WW did. Unfortunately you can no longer get the answers you need.

 

 

Let time do it's job.

[Dyeinghere]

Yes I am remarried don't know why I put it my hip pocket at the time but I did. Even if we were arguing I didn't think about it. I am happy in my marriage now just don't understand it coming back now my current wife knows and is very understanding and supportive but I'm afraid it will eventually harm our relationship I have tried real hard to put it back where it came from but have not successful. My WW was very sick when she died and I truly believe I loved her and she me but now this is about to drive me insane.

[Dyeinghere]

I often wonder if she left the note so the affair would end because she couldn't do it on her own. She had done a good job of keeping it secret up until then. I did ask if she loved him and she said I think so. I then asked if she wanted to be with him her response was I cant he's married. So now I also wonder if I was 2nd choice maybe he wouldn't leave his wife and she wanted out of affair. I did confront him and he was just all smugg I don't know any and all advice wanted

[Jonah]

Yes you get to suffer this not knowing, same as many of us here. At least you are not alone. And that it surfaced years, even decades later... all the questions, that's common too. And many of us wish we would have clarified all we could initially, yet we didn't, instead choosing to bury the pain, only for it to grow and come back to eat us like a demon.

 

So "what happened" you wonder... probably much romance, much sex, your worst fears. That's usually the way that it goes. And if you are wondering why, I'll give you a quote that I read on a different forum, a wayward wife reason of why she had her affair: "because it was something I needed to do for myself". So there it is. Nothing to do with you. Just pure selfishness. For all you know it probably went on for years after your discovery. Do you suspect that? Was there any more detectable smoke? Please share. It helps to get it out.

 

You can't know now, so you must come to be ok with that fact. One coping method that can be used is to come back to the present. And you really should do that. Enjoy the present, enjoy your new wife that loves you.

 

And hang out here on love shack. You will find good support here.

[Jonah]

That you had to find out, that they were co-workers, that there were no repercussions... their affair likely went on. You know for certain that their affair was going on for months behind your back before you found the note. Did anything change? Any remorse? Any talking about it at all? Are there any ways that you can know that their affair didn't go on especially knowing that they were still working together. Did they have opportunities to get together alone? Were you ever working out of town? Is there anything else that is eating at you about this that you didn't include in your original posts here.

 

In answering your question about the possible motives on leaving the note out... yes it is possible that she wanted you to find it. But from what you typed in your post, your note sounded to be quite romantic, something she wanted to get just right, not an attempt to say goodbye. One could guess that she was so caught up in her excitement and her emotions that she slipped up and left the note out accidentally.

[Dyeinghere]

No don't think it continued because made her quit her job and we moved 300 miles from that location also found out she confided in one of our close friends told her she had hoped to end it before I found out and she had not been in contact with him since she told him it was over told her she never thought she would have done this and that she loved me as far as I know the friend is the only one she ever talked to. My wife did answer questions I asked the few I did before I stuffed it. Even willingly showed me where OP lived which is where most of it took place while his wife was at work. Really believe he was a predictor like it was maybe not his first time. I guess I was to bent on repairing our relationship because I did stuff it really quick. When I confronted him it was like he had been through it before his response was almost automatic putting blame on me or. If you had been there I wouldn't have been wasn't even excited or nervous when he saw me waiting on him as he left work which is where I confronted him. I really appreciate everyone's opinions it's hard to put everything here due to it being long post again thanks and any more opinions or advice is welcome and I will be glad to answer any question to help with advice

[dichotomy]

Like BetrayedH, I spent alot (Years) trying to figure our my 1st Wife's physical affair, and my current wifes Emotional Affair. Why Why why?.

 

I also think I understand better then either wife does - why each of them did it. I might be wrong, but in the end I needed to come to my own reasonable view of "why" and accept it - as hard as it was - in order to move on. I know my first wife did not love me at all. I know my second wife did/does love me, but was (at the time) a very very different love then I could understand at the time. I kind of understand it now. Humans are very complex and not everyone feels or thinks the same about love, sex, faithfulness, marriage, etc as you do.

 

Perhaps with your current wife it might be good to have a discussion about love. What is love to her? is it a feeling, and action, or what? What does it mean to be unloving? In this way perhaps you can grow and make your current marriage stronger and more secure.

Edited October 26, 2015 by dichotomy

[road]

No don't think it continued because made her quit her job and we moved 300 miles from that location also found out she confided in one of our close friends told her she had hoped to end it before I found out and she had not been in contact with him since she told him it was over told her she never thought she would have done this and that she loved me as far as I know the friend is the only one she ever talked to. My wife did answer questions I asked the few I did before I stuffed it. Even willingly showed me where OP lived which is where most of it took place while his wife was at work. Really believe he was a predictor like it was maybe not his first time. I guess I was to bent on repairing our relationship because I did stuff it really quick. When I confronted him it was like he had been through it before his response was almost automatic putting blame on me or. If you had been there I wouldn't have been wasn't even excited or nervous when he saw me waiting on him as he left work which is where I confronted him. I really appreciate everyone's opinions it's hard to put everything here due to it being long post again thanks and any more opinions or advice is welcome and I will be glad to answer any question to help with advice

 

 

 

 

Another example of how confronting the OM is a waste of time. They have no conscience.

[Dyeinghere]

I agree no conscious. My current wife was cheated on numerous times in her previous marriage so she knows what it is and she does I believe love me and shows it continuously that's another reason this thing bothers me so much she knows I'm in anguish but doesn't really know how to help. My first wife did have higher sex drive than I did but never reached for me it was always up to me. The AP I think took advantage because I think maybe she confided in him her frustration I think he said and did what ever was nessasarily to to get her infatuated with him like telling her he loved her and showing a lot of desire for her. She told our friend she felt wanted and needed with him but when she told him it was over and I knew that she had Ben caught he never even fought for their relationship. What does that sound like to all of you. I think at least in my fog anyways she just thought she loved him and was really lust maybe. Or maybe she asked him to leave his wife and he maybe said no or he couldn't maybe that's why she told me on DDay she thought it was about over anyway why she shared that I have no idea unless she thought I was supposed to feel better about it. I feel she shared a lot about our relationship(marriage) with him prior to it becoming physical. As I said they were both nurses and he was her supervisor. I totally trusted her because she would tell me she was going to his place to ride horses on her day off while I was at work or leave early for work to ride and I would just say ok have fun should have been red flags everywhere so I feel I enabled it. And of coarse working the swing shift at hospital most times I was in bed asleep when she got home at nite it was 40 minute drive from work to home. Since this has come back I've talked to some of her family members and they tell me they thought something wasn't quite right with the relationship she had with him I was the blind one but they had nothing to really prove it. She did tell me the first time the had sex was in a parking lot in our van after work. The Eason he said if you had been there I wouldn't have indicates to me she had confided in him about the difference in our sex drives. I did do something I kind of have second thought about I made wife give me his phone number and called hi wife and told her of the affair which caused someone else pain probably even though she hung up on me. That was not probably a good decision. What do you think. Talking with all of you is big help so keep it coming. Even though my wife didn't tell me anything like I'm sorry or she regretted it that I can remember her actions in later years maybe showed a little. One thing I can say is I didn't let it change the person I was after all my sex drive was what it was but I was a lot more alert to things going on with her than before. Maybe that's the reason I never brought it up and asked the questions I wish I could ask now.

[dichotomy]

 

My first wife did have higher sex drive than I did but never reached for me it was always up to me. The AP I think took advantage because I think maybe she confided in him her frustration I think he said and did what ever was nessasarily to to get her infatuated with him like telling her he loved her and showing a lot of desire for her. She told our friend she felt wanted and needed with him but when she told him it was over and I knew that she had Ben caught he never even fought for their relationship. What does that sound like to all of you.

 

I think this sounds reasonable. Sounds like maybe you do understand why. Affairs are are often caused by a need to be wanted or validated. This maybe because of rejection in a marriage (say sex) but it can be deeper about the person having unhealthy self esteem or validation needs. Affair partners can take advantage of this need in the cheating spouse - get what they want (sex or possession). Some cheaters also have difficulty apologizing or accepting responsibility, but actions speak louder the words.

 

I did do something I kind of have second thought about I made wife give me his phone number and called hi wife and told her of the affair which caused someone else pain probably even though she hung up on me. That was not probably a good decision. What do you think.

 

I think you did the right thing in notifying the wife of the man. Pain is not the issue, she should know he is cheating on her, and likely more than one affair.

 

 

.

 

 

 

Lastly I am very happy you have a good wife now. I am most worried you are letting this old marriage and loss intrude into your marriage. Your current wife was cheated on - so she gets it and you. Please work through this as best you can, and move beyond it for your current wife and marriage sake.

[Dyeinghere]

I do have one question I hope some one can answer. How do I trash the mental pictures and movies I have going on in my head they are very vivid and really knock me down even think they affect my intimate relations with my wife. I guess you realize all this happened before internet and cell phones so my finding note was the only way I found out and she was really good at covering her tracks think (I don't know ) but wanted to get caught because she didn't know how to end it herself being addicted to all his attention and wanting to have sex with her a lot. Really need help with the mental images

[dichotomy]

Mental images or emotions are the hardest to get rid of.

 

I know I have obsessed on them.

 

You have to find positive alternates to push in their place. It takes work but it can help to say "I see my ex having sex with AP, now I will think or picture something else more powerful or positive"

 

I wont say this makes them go away 100% but it helps.

 

Examples of "switching" might include

 

- Your current wife smiling at you, holding your hand, or making love to you,

- Your child if you have them - laughing and hugging you

- A peaceful happy place or thing or event you treasure

 

I use these things when I am under stress sometimes. Like when I having a medical procedure I dont like (Like being stuck in a MRI machine) I picture my childhood dog with me, I am petting its fur, and I feel ..calm. I am in that place and not in the machine.

Edited October 26, 2015 by dichotomy

[Dyeinghere]

I will say this we had conversations about our sex life after the affair she I guess until she died thought I just didn't desire her or found her attractive enough but I did and for a man in his late 30s at the time it was probably not what it should have been and probably should have consulted a MD but you know men pride and all that. She even told me that it had effected her self esteem. I have another question if someone could help me with when we were intimate afterwards sometimes she ask to do something we had never done is it something she did with him or was she just trying to get me to have sex more often? Some of the things I had never considered asking her to do because she was my wife and didn't want her to feel degraded. Or was she wanting to relive her experience with him. I another thing I obsesse about is did she or do cheating wives compare their husband bedroom skills with the AP during the affair or after how do you compete with someone when it's in her head you can't remove the experience she had with him. I have to say she never left my bed unsatisfied. Another thing it may help to know we married very young I was 18 and she was 15 both virgins I know it's hard to believe a male still a virgin but I was. We had 3 children together lost the first one 10 days after he was born so we had been through a lot. I know she must have been in fog because her mother was real dick with cancer while she was seeing him and she kept it up. I am really glad I found this forum feel like I can tell anything on my mind which I can't maybe discuss with my current wife Thanks for the response wasn't sure I would get any since it happened so long ago I am 64 years old now and need to get on with the life I have left so again thanks I appreciate all the comments it helps because most of you have been there and are real honest with your comments.

[drifter777]

Talk to a counselor about this whole thing. Something is triggering your emotions now and it would be very therapeutic to understand just what that is and how to cope with it.

[Dyeinghere]

What kind of counselor should I consult I will do anything I have been going trough this for 3 months. Why do I want to know where he is now and how his marriage turned out. He may not even be alive because he was taking medication for angina while they were involved. I can only remember his first name so can't google him I knew his last name but can't recall it now. Any help?

[Dyeinghere]

Made appointment with counselor today. I am ready to put this away again. Still will probably never get the images and the feeling of inadequacy out of myself I think I have and probably ever since DDay have a self esteem problem and to be honest have performance issues even with my now wife because I my mind he must have been better lover for her to continue the affair so long I mean they never went anywhere together where there were other people just met talked a little and according to her he would take her hand and lead her to bedroom. I still can't believe she would drive so far just for sex and whene it was after work they would just use our van in a parking lot or park looks like she would have felt cheap and dirty to just use seat or floor get dressed then they would part she would drive home get in bed next to me. Occasionally we would have sex when she got home I never noticed anything different she acted passionate but maybe she was fantasizing I was him I don't know. Again she did everything I asked on DDay and after and she acted like she really loved me. I truly believe she did when she died she even told my daughter when she was gone to help me find someone because I was no good alone. She always through our marriage had hard time telling anyone she was sorry just couldn't say it even if she felt it maybe that's why she never said it to me. Thank again for your comments

[Artie Lang]

just curious... was this OM's wife ever informed or made aware of the situation?

 

it sounds like you pretty much swept this under the rug hoping it would somehow work itself out. this is exactly why it always suggested to deal with such a thing head on... the resentment it most often brings later on is a psychological killer.

[Dyeinghere]

Yes there was not internet at the time so I made wife give me his phone number one nite when I knew he was at work and I called her. I told her he and my wife were having affair and I had proof if she wanted it she didn't say anything just listened and hung up. I did this with my wife sitting there after I hung up I looked at my wife and she was sitting there in a catatonic state afterwards I called him at work and told him I just made his wife aware of what had been going on don't know if he suffered any but hope she believed me. Knowing him he probably played it off as someone just trying to cause trouble. As cool as he was when I confronted him it probably wasn't his first affair. Yes I did sweep it under rug maybe pretending it didn't happen because after the first couple weeks I never mentioned it again and my wife didn't bring it up either we never talked about it again which I know now was a huge mistake. I loved my wife and maybe I didn't want to talk about it because I wanted her to forget him. She didn't say anything for about 2 hours after the phone call just stared into space.

[qubist]

Yes there was not internet at the time so I made wife give me his phone number one nite when I knew he was at work and I called her. I told her he and my wife were having affair and I had proof if she wanted it she didn't say anything just listened and hung up. I did this with my wife sitting there after I hung up I looked at my wife and she was sitting there in a catatonic state afterwards I called him at work and told him I just made his wife aware of what had been going on don't know if he suffered any but hope she believed me. Knowing him he probably played it off as someone just trying to cause trouble. As cool as he was when I confronted him it probably wasn't his first affair. Yes I did sweep it under rug maybe pretending it didn't happen because after the first couple weeks I never mentioned it again and my wife didn't bring it up either we never talked about it again which I know now was a huge mistake. I loved my wife and maybe I didn't want to talk about it because I wanted her to forget him. She didn't say anything for about 2 hours after the phone call just stared into space.

 

you are doing now what you should have done 30 years ago venting it all out. sweeping under the rug was a huge mistake. but you have to focus on the future. unless you can create a time machine and go back 30 years back, you should work on moving on. these are toxic thoughts stay away from them as far as you can, think more about what you could do now to be happy.

I hope your story serves as a lesson to many that come here in similar situation and sweep things under the rug.

[Dyeinghere]

Yes it was a mistake. I encourage anyone going through this hurt confront it head on or you might end up like me and can never ask WW the questions you need to so you know the things to heal and move on with your life. It is devastating to have question,self doubt about you self esteem and not be able to bring it to understanding. We never know how long we have you may think you need to know but really you do or it will rear its ugly head and she is gone and cannot help bring you any peace. Because it does come back the same as if it I'd DDay all over again.

[Jonah]

If the question is: are you a winner or a loser, you should be able to see for yourself that you are a winner.

 

You feel the fires may not have been burning enough at home and and you say that she did communicate this to you. It's common that a WS can simply run out of options. Love for spouse and living situation being the motive for not making the traumatic divorce decision, yet the drive of desire for the release of orgasm can drive many to have them, and yeah there's nothing like illicit sex with all the excitement of the forbidden fruit... one taste of that and she just kept going back for more until you found the note. Sure it could be that the new things were learned from her lover and she wanted to share with you to relive erotic moments but who doesn't have fantasies while having sex? But it could also be that in love, she studied up on new methods she could try to keep the fires burning at home.

 

All in all from what you write, you did pretty good and gleaned all the major info from her and with that information you made the command decision to continue as her husband. Your weakness is that you are now doubting a decision you made in the past that led to years of happiness. Time proved that you made a good call so what questions could you have now? If it's anything about the sex then you could probably guess at that and be right. So you decided to leave her alone about it... well, had you continuously hounded her its possible that you would have drove her away. Or, if you would have stayed on her back about it, who's to say that your grief now would be the extended grief that you would have laid on her.

 

Congrats on bringing her to gratification every time. You were good enough for her to stick around... you got lucky. And now you have love again... we all live a life and yours sounds fairly peachy. It will be difficult for you to find a counselor that will have empathy for your situation... chances are that they have more problems than you.

[Jonah]

Another thing it may help to know we married very young I was 18 and she was 15 both virgins

 

It's a shame that she wouldn't let you keep this. Why didn't she let you keep it? For mine, obviously she thought it through and determined that I didn't deserve it she took glee in giving it away to the thief.

 

Do you really have any questions or do you now just wish you would have burned her at the stake?