pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I keep feeling uncertain about his feeling but he still texts me everyday, said he cares about me, asks me out regularly and is still affectionate when we meet... The only thing makes me feel insecure is his style of texting. We communicated about it and I can tell he's trying to change it but it's not enough. I still feel so distant when we are not together. This is not fun anymore but I'm afraid I'm the only problem. Maybe he thinks nothing of it at all and me over-thinking will only make things worse. I don't know if he can sense something from me but I'm scared as hell I think I have to break it off before he does. Right now I'm still playing it cool but inside it's driving me crazy.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Can you elaborate more on why you don't like his texting style? What does/doesn't he do that makes you feel insecure? For what it's worth, I'm not a big texter either. I'm not one to keep up a conversation via text throughout the day; I use it primarily to make/confirm plans or just to check in with someone. (I'm a woman) If everything else seems good, you may be over-thinking this one.
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 You are getting daily communication, affection & regular dates but you want to dump him because you don't like his style of texting? Think that through again. You hit the nail on the head when you say that you feel insecure. It is upsetting & disorienting when you feel that way but in the long run, don't you think you would be better served addressing your self esteem issues rather than getting rid of an otherwise good BF? If you believed in yourself more, his style might not feel so off putting. My response above is in a vacuum. Knowing what he's actually saying would shed more light on the situation.
ScienceGal Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Remember life before texting? I do. Somehow people managed their relationships just fine. He cares for you and you are over thinking this! What you're describing is an overall insecurity and some anxiety. I get it, because I battle the same dragon at times. Getting involved with someone new is scary. You have to be open and vulnerable, and accept the possibility that he might end up rejecting you. But, you'll never meet the right person unless you're willing to risk it. Aside from your own inner conflict with his texting style, is there anything else that is bothering you about him or the relationship? If not, try to get a grip and have some faith. I'd hate for you to throw away a good potential match because you're getting spun up for no reason. 3
carhill Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Spend more time pressing flesh and less time texting. The style problem is solved and pressing flesh is where relationships happen anyway. We all have insecurities and fears. That's normal human stuff. You also have power; the power of choice. Here, you can process your fears differently than you are and you can enlist your partner by communicating (not through text!). You choose. 1
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Well the main reason for my insecurity is probably after 3 months we both haven't felt that emotional connection and he said at the moment, he is not entỉrely sure if it's going somewhere which I agree. I can't see him becoming my bf but we really like each other and are willing to give it more time to open up more with each other. Before that conversation, I was cool with his style of texting because I know he likes me a lot but after knowing he's not sure about a relationship, I feel pressured to make him open up so we can connect emotioanlly. I wish he could be more comfortable with me and text me about his day etc. I know with some people it takes more time than normal to open up but I expect by this time we should be closer than this.
Guyouthere Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Well the main reason for my insecurity is probably after 3 months we both haven't felt that emotional connection and he said at the moment, he is not entỉrely sure if it's going somewhere which I agree. I can't see him becoming my bf but we really like each other and are willing to give it more time to open up more with each other. Before that conversation, I was cool with his style of texting because I know he likes me a lot but after knowing he's not sure about a relationship, I feel pressured to make him open up so we can connect emotioanlly. I wish he could be more comfortable with me and text me about his day etc. I know with some people it takes more time than normal to open up but I expect by this time we should be closer than this. from all you have said here,,, your "relationship" is already dead. you know what to do. 2
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 How about picking up the damn phone and talk about your day. There will be more emotional connection hearing the tone in their voice, hear them laugh, etc. Stop with this texting....it's so junior high!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Well the main reason for my insecurity is probably after 3 months we both haven't felt that emotional connection and he said at the moment, he is not entỉrely sure if it's going somewhere which I agree. I can't see him becoming my bf but we really like each other and are willing to give it more time to open up more with each other. Before that conversation, I was cool with his style of texting because I know he likes me a lot but after knowing he's not sure about a relationship, I feel pressured to make him open up so we can connect emotioanlly. I wish he could be more comfortable with me and text me about his day etc. I know with some people it takes more time than normal to open up but I expect by this time we should be closer than this. So this is the real problem. Not the texting. If you can't see him becoming your boyfriend and he still isn't sure after 3 months, I think you're wasting your time.
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 How about picking up the damn phone and talk about your day. There will be more emotional connection hearing the tone in their voice, hear them laugh, etc. Stop with this texting....it's so junior high! Yeah he calls sometimes but I prefer texts. And when we're together we don't really talk much.
carhill Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Heh, back in the old days, people could be married in three months. These days, dating, especially for the young, can go on for years. I've noted that in the children and grandchildren of friends and some of my former in-laws, in that marriages which finally resulted did so after years and years of dating, I mean some longer than we were married. It appears things are different with the younger folks. No one is in a hurry to do the 'you and me forever' thing. What prompted this response was this statement from the OP: I can't see him becoming my bf but we really like each other and are willing to give it more time to open up more with each other. I heard a lot of similar statements, and the 'dates' which eventually become 'spouse' went on like this for a long time. They didn't even introduce their long time dating partner as a boyfriend or girlfriend. Heh, they suddenly became 'engaged' and then 'married'. I was but I guess that's how it goes.
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 So this is the real problem. Not the texting. If you can't see him becoming your boyfriend and he still isn't sure after 3 months, I think you're wasting your time. It might take him longer than 3 months to open up and be sure about it. Mind you he is an expat here and a relationship means a very big commitment so I'm not in rush about it. I just need to feel certain about us. In fact he is still showing interests but I still have that feeling that something is "off". I'm afraid talking about it will make look me insecure.
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Yeah he calls sometimes but I prefer texts. And when we're together we don't really talk much. Then you are not compatible for each other....there will never be any chemistry. Now I can see why he isn't sure about this going anywhere.
Vintage79 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I just find it amusing that the OP is treating it like a competition, and states that she thinks sh has to try to break it off before he does. OP - if this is your dating mentality - you should be single...this guy is communicative, trying to change, and you view it as a competition wanting to ensure you leave first. Stop acting like a 4 year old, learn how to date, and probably see a counselor to work on your self esteem/worth issues. I'm further baffled by the fact that you prefer texts to talking and when you're together you don't talk much...do you sit on the couch together and have textversations?
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 After 3 months and you are not crawling over each other, excited about each other and have deep conversations til 4 am, it's not going to happen. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 It might take him longer than 3 months to open up and be sure about it. Mind you he is an expat here and a relationship means a very big commitment so I'm not in rush about it. I just need to feel certain about us. In fact he is still showing interests but I still have that feeling that something is "off". I'm afraid talking about it will make look me insecure. I'm an expat too. I'm also in a committed, exclusive relationship with a local man. I don't see how that factors into this at all unless he is planning on leaving your country sometime soon. Is he? If you still need time to open up, then I don't understand why his texting habits are a problem for you. If you are afraid of having an open talk about it after 3 months, then I think you know it's because you won't like what you hear. Is he dating others?
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 It might take him longer than 3 months to open up and be sure about it. Mind you he is an expat here and a relationship means a very big commitment so I'm not in rush about it. I just need to feel certain about us. In fact he is still showing interests but I still have that feeling that something is "off". I'm afraid talking about it will make look me insecure. More details about my situation: I started to have this annoying feeling about a week ago after I told him we should just be friends because I can't feel the connection. He said he feels the same and is not sure about a relationship but can't be my friends because he has feelings for me. Then we talked some more and agreed to give it more time and not put a timeline or pressure on it. Since then I tried to open up more by talking about my feeling for him but I feel like I might come across as being needy and it scared him a bit but he told me not to worry, that he likes me and I didn't freak him out. But his behaviors say something else: - He used to say he doesn't want to leave the country because now he has me here but recently he told me he misses his friends and he's bored of his life here and if he keeps feeling like this he might leave. I was like "okay..." - He used to be very excited that I will go to the festival with him. Now I feel like he doesn't want me to go with him anymore (don't know why I feel this way but it's my gut telling) - We spend every weekend together. I stayed with him on Thursday and Friday. Last Friday he had a party with his friends and didn't invite me (which he would normally). Saturday and Sunday he didn't ask me out anymore. Still texting.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 So you told him you should just be friends and that you're not feeling a connection. And now you're wondering why he seems distant. You are sending mixed messages too. I don't see how any progress is possible when you are both apparently so uncertain of each other. He seems a bit indifferent and so do you.
katiegrl Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Is it safe to assume you guys are having sex? If so, how is that? Do you at least feel close and connected during sex? And immediately after? Or is it a 'wham bam thank you m'am' type of thing? Does he kiss you, look into your eyes, cuddle afterwards? My fiance and I have some of our most intimate moments and talks immediately after sex... cuddling in bed and such. Do you? Have you considered he feels physically connected (i.e. he enjoys the sex), but other than that, there's not much else there? I mean you say you hardly talk when together, no emotional connection... sounds like he stays for the regular sex, have you considered that's all it really is? And all it will probably ever be? 1
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 I just find it amusing that the OP is treating it like a competition, and states that she thinks sh has to try to break it off before he does. OP - if this is your dating mentality - you should be single...this guy is communicative, trying to change, and you view it as a competition wanting to ensure you leave first. Stop acting like a 4 year old, learn how to date, and probably see a counselor to work on your self esteem/worth issues. I'm further baffled by the fact that you prefer texts to talking and when you're together you don't talk much...do you sit on the couch together and have textversations? Yeah I probably need a slap in the face like this. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I'm really scared. I never felt like this before. If it's the right person then I should feel certain. With other guys, I'm always confident and never have to worry if they are losing interest. I just don't care but this guy is different. It hurts to think about losing him but it might hurt less if I leave first. About the talking thing, I mean we don't talk about anything deep. Most of our conversations are very light, daily life stuff, jokes and laughing together.. Recently we made a progress and did talk more about our feelings but it feels forced (at least to me). One thing is we can sit in silence together comfortably, without talking anything. It's nice and it's something I didn't have with my ex. But still. He seems talkative around his friends tho so I'm worried when he doesn't talk as much with me. After 3 months and you are not crawling over each other, excited about each other and have deep conversations til 4 am, it's not going to happen. Is this always the case? Surely everyone is different? Then you are not compatible for each other....there will never be any chemistry. Now I can see why he isn't sure about this going anywhere. Not only him but I'm not sure as well but we both want to give it a try. But now I'm in conflict don't know if I should listen to my gut and break it off while things are still going well.
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 So you told him you should just be friends and that you're not feeling a connection. And now you're wondering why he seems distant. You are sending mixed messages too. I don't see how any progress is possible when you are both apparently so uncertain of each other. He seems a bit indifferent and so do you. Well that's how I feel and I communicated but he said he couldn't be friends and would still think about me. Then we talked some more and agreed to work on it, try to open up with each other. He seems like he doesn't know how to identify his feelings and open up though. I don't know how he feels about it. He's still showing interest by texting everyday. And yes we are exclusively dating but not bf/gf. He acts like my bf when we are together or in front of his friends but when we are away he seems distant and doesn't act like a bf.
katiegrl Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Well that's how I feel and I communicated but he said he couldn't be friends and would still think about me. Then we talked some more and agreed to work on it, try to open up with each other. He seems like he doesn't know how to identify his feelings and open up though. I don't know how he feels about it. He's still showing interest by texting everyday. And yes we are exclusively dating but not bf/gf. He acts like my bf when we are together or in front of his friends but when we are away he seems distant and doesn't act like a bf. Of course he can't be just be friends, cuz then he wouldn't get to have sex with you (See my previous post). Sure he would still think about you...sexually, err think about the sex he's no longer having with you..... If it were me, I would move on. If a man told me he felt no emotional connection to me after three months dating and having sex with me, that's my cue to wish him well and leave quietly... 1
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Is it safe to assume you guys are having sex? If so, how is that? Do you at least feel close and connected during sex? And immediately after? Or is it a 'wham bam thank you m'am' type of thing? Does he kiss you, look into your eyes, cuddle afterwards? My fiance and I have some of our most intimate moments and talks immediately after sex... cuddling in bed and such. Do you? Have you considered he feels physically connected (i.e. he enjoys the sex), but other than that, there's not much else there? I mean you say you hardly talk when together, no emotional connection... sounds like he stays for the regular sex, have you considered that's all it really is? And all it will probably ever be? We're having sex. And right in the beginning he said it's not something casual to him. He is with me not because of sex. We are compatible in bed, we have strong physical connection. After sex he would linger, looks into my eyes, kisses me when he thinks I'm sleeping... He even said even if the sex is bad he would still want to date me. But we haven't had sex last week, he got really sick and depressed, I got emotional during my period and things go down hill from there. I remember that he is more affectionate when we first get together and not as much now.
katiegrl Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 We're having sex. And right in the beginning he said it's not something casual to him. He is with me not because of sex. We are compatible in bed, we have strong physical connection. After sex he would linger, looks into my eyes, kisses me when he thinks I'm sleeping... He even said even if the sex is bad he would still want to date me. But we haven't had sex last week, he got really sick and depressed, I got emotional during my period and things go down hill from there. I remember that he is more affectionate when we first get together and not as much now. Well if he were just with you for sex, he's certainly not going to admit that! You do whatever you need to do, but IMO this ship has sailed. Sorry
Author pcs13 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Well if he were just with you for sex, he's certainly not going to admit that! You do whatever you need to do, but IMO this ship has sailed. Sorry Why so quick to jump into that conclusion? Have you considered there is a case 2 people genuinely like each other but still have a hard time to open up and feel connected emotionally? Hell it would even be easier for me if he just wants sex, I've met guys like that and I'm not stupid, I can tell the difference. But his actions and words show that he really cares, that's why it's hard for me to break it off.
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