Apology email to ex's friends: good or bad idea?

October 25, 2015

I created a breakup thread here detailing how things between my girlfriend and I ended. The breakup itself wasn't hostile and, as far as breakups go, went quite well. There wasn't really any arguing or fighting. However, I could not let it go. I kept pressing my girlfriend, and her friends, for answers.

It turned kind of ugly earlier this week when she blocked me on all social media and deleted all pictures of us after I bugged one of her friends after having a few beers. That's something she has not done with previous exes. The fact that she did that has been sort of mixed for me. I feel relieved because it has helped give me more closure, but I also feel really bad about it. I hate being "that guy," and it honestly kind of sucks to think she probably feels our time together was a waste and that she might refer to me as a crazy ex. It sucks even more that I dragged her friends into it and they might think those things. I would have liked to maintain friendships with them (to the best extent an ex can), but I feel I may have fractured those friendships.

I'm not going to send it yet, but is it a good idea to send her friends an email, apologizing for my actions? I am truthfully not seeking responses from them (I said as much in the email) and there is no motive behind it other than for me to get it off my chest and give the whole situation some closure. I know some people don't care what others think of them but, for better or worse, I do. These were people I genuinely developed friendships with and actually enjoyed being around. I handled the breakup really poorly, didn't let go, and sort of dragged them in. I am sorry and I think it'd just make me feel at ease to know I admitted to my wrongdoings.

I know I can't make my ex look at things differently, which is fine and my fault, but I'd at least like to try and salvage things with them.

Thoughts on sending the email in two or three weeks from now? Good or bad idea?

October 25, 2015

Please do not send this email out. You WILL regret it. Plus it will make you look somewhat creepy and stalkerish. I realize you have good intentions and all, but please do not send it. They will all talk about how your ex dodged a bullet with you if you did. Better to let sleeping dogs lie. You've already owned up to your short-comings... there's nothing more to do except to move on. I wish you the best of luck.

October 25, 2015

Thanks for your opinion. Can you say why you think it'd be creepy/stalkerish or why I would regret it?

I can understand the notion of it coming off random if I sent it in a month or whatever, but I would like to still maintain friendships with some of these people, at least people like her best friend's boyfriend.

At this point they probably are already talking about how she dodged a bullet, given that she took to the extreme of blocking me everywhere (except LinkedIn, but that doesn't really count) when she had never previously done that and only did it after things really blew up.

October 25, 2015

At this point they probably are already talking about how she dodged a bullet, given that she took to the extreme of blocking me everywhere

Most likely, yeah. But, you don't need to help your ex with THAT....... I mean, what is it really going to do, is it really going to get them to say, oh gee, her ex is right, she is just being a royal b*tch??? Come on. Of course they're gonna go along with her version, regardless of what you send. And they're gonna be more papal than the pope, and tell her that your email is even more evidence that she dodged a bullet. And how is the email going to help YOU? In what way? It's best if you let your silence do the talking. It's over, and you don't need to have the last word in, to show or prove that you are a good guy. The important thing is that YOU know it. They don't matter anymore. Trust me, been there, in your shoes, and his friends ganged up on me after we got back together, even though I had not even said anything either good or bad in the wake of his break-up. Imagine what they would've done if I HAD sent them an email.

October 25, 2015

That should have read that she probably is already thinking she dodged a bullet right now. I know that her friends liked me a lot and, while they would take her side, I'm not sure they'd go on telling her how great of a decision it was.

There wasn't really animosity with our breakup until I kept on persisting and caused things to get a bit out of control. She broke up with me because she simply didn't see a future. There may have been underlying issues, but who knows.

I just feel as though the email would help get things off my chest. Like I said, I hate knowing that I may have permanently fractured friendships with certain people that I would maybe like to be able to hang out with down the road. I am not looking to get back together with my ex. I am aware that ship is long gone.

October 25, 2015

I know that her friends liked me a lot and, while they would take her side, I'm not sure they'd go on telling her how great of a decision it was.

Trust me, they will. I thought my ex's friends liked me a lot too. Hell, I hung out with them alone as well, and thought they became my friends too. But nope. Wishful thinking. They're definitely gonna tell her that it was a good decision. They probably encouraged her all the way, even while you had no idea she was contemplating breaking up with you!

October 25, 2015

Write the email. It will get things off your chest. Post it here, in the coping thread/section. Get it out of your system. But you don't need to send it to them. At the end of the day you can do whatever you have set your mind to, but I am telling you it's not a good idea. If they don't reply, it's going to get you thinking/wondering, it's going to torture you and make you suffer more, wonder more, try to reach out more, etc. It's a can of worms.

October 25, 2015

Don't send it. It will magnify an already uncomfortable situation.

If they were really your friends, they'll probably see that you are in pain and your actions were motivated by that. I don't think they'll see as some horrible man, but a very hurt one who acted out. You don't need to send an email explaining this. Of course, this rather depends on what exactly you said or did to the friends - can you elaborate more on that?

October 25, 2015

Her friends are her friends and your friends are your friends!! sorry move on .. next keep it between the TWO of you!

October 25, 2015

Terrible idea. The`d probably have a good laugh. Plus it makes you look so desperate.

As `NoMoreJerks` kindly suggested, post it here.

Don`t do it... (A lot of experienced posters here)

October 26, 2015

Don't send it. It will magnify an already uncomfortable situation.

If they were really your friends, they'll probably see that you are in pain and your actions were motivated by that. I don't think they'll see as some horrible man, but a very hurt one who acted out. You don't need to send an email explaining this. Of course, this rather depends on what exactly you said or did to the friends - can you elaborate more on that?

The friend that got pissed at me really isn't one of the friends in her core group of friends or one I hung out with that often. The ones I would send the email two are the core group of people that I hung out with the most. I guess I really don't owe them an apology specifically, I just hate that there's probably false information being passed along to them by my ex. The reason I want to apologize to this group is because I did drag them into it right after the breakup by asking them for support, etc. And I probably did take advantage of their kindness and bug them a bit more than necessary.

Looking back, I feel bad that I just didn't let it go and kept digging, but this friend just exploded on me for no reasons, told me to stop being crazy, said it was only 14 months and to get over it, and told me to stop saying awful things about her friend (my ex, which I wasn't). I was upset by some of the things this friend had told me and really just wanted to hear about them from my ex. I calmly called and left a voicemail asking her if we could talk.

Took about a half-hour to cool off, then apologized to her friend and told her I was just upset about some of the stuff she revealed. Friend was still snapping at me, then blocked and deleted me. Then I got irritated and unfriended my ex on Facebook. Next morning she had blocked me on all social media.

Just bothers me that the group of friends I want to email is probably getting the wrong idea of what happened. I know it shouldn't be important to me, but it is important that I don't look like some nut, because nothing I said or was doing was nutty. It's just this one friend kept trying to say I was crazy and needed professional help for wanting to know "every little detail." Those are the things she probably told my ex.

So now, I go from ending things with my ex on decent terms to my ex getting the wrong ideas, permanently blocking me on all social media and probably telling all friends (many of whom I would call mutual friends now, that's how close we had gotten) that I'm nuts.

I really have no expectation with the email other than to let them know that I was sorry for dragging them in and that I don't have any animosity towards my girlfriend and that our 14 months were very formative for me.

Edited October 26, 2015 by jrode23

October 26, 2015

Don't send it or even talk about your ex to her friends, ever, if they bring her up say "listen I don't want to know anything about her" and leave it at that.

I bump into mutual friends (hers) when I go to local open mic nights with my friends (who know my ex through me). I talk to her friends without mentioning her name and they're all cool with it and my friends talk to her mates and even my ex if she's there.

All of her friends have told me they're sad we're not together, but... I make sure I cut this topic short with no more than "me too" which shows integrity, saying bad things about your ex says the opposite.

Remember they're her friends and if they're loyal, they'll tell her anything and everything.

October 26, 2015

After someone no longer wants to be with you, all paths lead to the same place. It doesn't matter if you go quietly or crazily, as long as you just go.

It's over. Don't give it another moment's thought. It doesn't matter what she thinks about you, good, bad or indifferent. Ditto for the friends. They'll either have you in their lives or they won't.

You're worried about what they'll think about you, and I can understand that after what you did. But there is one thing I can assure you about:

Pretty soon, they won't think about you at all.

In the long run, you've got nothing to worry about.

October 26, 2015

You'd regret sending that so much. You'd come across as the desperate ex who's trying to get in touch through his exes friends because the ex blocked him everywhere. Just don't do it. Save yourself some dignity or you'll hurt yourself even more.

October 27, 2015

You seem pretty determined to send it, but add me to the list of those who think this is a TERRIBLE idea.

October 27, 2015

If these people are actually your mutual friends then you will eventually see or hang out with them in the coming weeks/months. If it's still bothering you when you see them then you can smoothly say "btw totally embarrassed by how I handled things after me and ___ split, def not trying to be that guy so just wanted to apologize if I put you in a bad spot". And that's all.

And the more likely scenario is that these "friends" will not contact you or hang out with you in the coming weeks/months because they are her friends. If none of them reach out to you or text you to hang out within the next 6 weeks, then guess what.... They don't consider you a friend, so apologizing by that email is going to make you look weak and pathetic.

Just chalk it up to acting stupid and don't make it a bigger deal. They'll forget about it as time goes by. No need to make a point to have them realize what a child you acted like.

October 27, 2015

You seem pretty determined to send it, but add me to the list of those who think this is a TERRIBLE idea.

Not really set on anything, just mulling the decision.

I've still been communicating with her best friend's boyfriend a decent amount since the breakup and we hung out last week. I guess that was my main thing, in not letting the breakup impact friendships with her friend's boyfriends, etc.

October 27, 2015

Best not to Mull it over....

Just draw a line. (Really)

You are clutching..... (Don`t) Please.

October 27, 2015

On the other end of the spectrum, also kind of wondering if maybe I should just unfriend the friends on Facebook. I don't really post a ton to it other than sharing interesting stories or the occasional sports post, but it kind of irks me knowing that even though she blocked me and can't see my stuff, she can still keep tabs on me through friends if she wants to. Don't think she does, but who knows.

October 27, 2015

On the other end of the spectrum, also kind of wondering if maybe I should just unfriend the friends on Facebook. I don't really post a ton to it other than sharing interesting stories or the occasional sports post, but it kind of irks me knowing that even though she blocked me and can't see my stuff, she can still keep tabs on me through friends if she wants to. Don't think she does, but who knows.

Just block her.Done.

October 27, 2015

Best not to Mull it over....

Just draw a line. (Really)

You are clutching..... (Don`t) Please.

One of those easier said than done things. In time I may see things this way, but right now I'm not even two weeks removed, so the best I can do is type out my thoughts here.

October 27, 2015

Just block her.Done.

No need to. She has already blocked me. When one person blocks, neither person can see one another.

October 27, 2015

One of those easier said than done things. In time I may see things this way, but right now I'm not even two weeks removed, so the best I can do is type out my thoughts here.

That`s understandable. No slight intended.

But she`s blocked you so you can be mates with `mutual` friends and she sees nothing.

You don`t need to send an email now.

Best of luck. It does get better. Now it seems not so but it will.

Keep posting, you have support here.

October 27, 2015

That`s understandable. No slight intended.

But she`s blocked you so you can be mates with `mutual` friends and she sees nothing.

You don`t need to send an email now.

Best of luck. It does get better. Now it seems not so but it will.

Keep posting, you have support here.

Oh, right. I meant that if she really wanted to, she could get them to look up on my profile and see what I'm up to through their accounts. Really something I shouldn't bother worrying about, but it just came to mind.

October 27, 2015

It was suggested I post here instead, so I'm going to do that. I'd appreciate that, if you're going to respond, you reserve judgment.

All,

I'd appreciate it if you took a few minutes to read this through. Now that time has passed, things have hopefully cooled down, and I have been able to think clearly, I'm ready to send it. There's no motive behind it and it's nothing more than me writing to get these thoughts off my chest, apologize to you all, and just give myself and the situation the final closure it needs, from my perspective. It's not my goal to get a response or a reaction from any of you.

After [ex's name] and I broke up, I thought it would be good to write some things down. This email is kind of a cumulative summary of my thoughts since then. I didn't know if I'd actually send it, but I feel like I should. I wish I was the type of person who could just forget about things and not care what people think, but that's just not me. I do care, for better or worse, and I know that regardless of how you view this, it will help me feel more at ease knowing that I sent it. Maybe I wouldn't care if I sort of just tolerated the group or it was a shorter period of time, but I feel like it was a good chunk of time and we all got along quite well.

Obviously I didn't handle the whole break up thing very well and, in the end, it turned out pretty messy. But I've moved on and so has she. That doesn't change the fact that I honestly regret, every day, how I handled things. I couldn't let it go and I kept pressing for answers, which kind of sent the situation out of control. It absolutely sucks knowing that I destroyed the respect she may have had left for me and maybe any you all had left for me.

There's nothing I can say that will ever be satisfactory for her, and I know she likely doesn't care/want to look back anyway. What I can tell you all, now that I have had time to look at things from a clear perspective, is that I didn't know what to do/how to accept it. I refused to allow myself to accept that it was done. It doesn't excuse my wrongdoings, but it was because I cared about her that much and was scared she was no longer in my life. Prior to meeting [ex's name], I had sort of been down on myself and in a rut. No relationship seemed to go anywhere and I felt like I was just spinning my wheels. When she ended things, looking back, I was worried about starting all over and fearing getting back into that mindset, especially since I felt what we had would stand the test of time. I know that doesn't make my actions right, but that's where I was coming from. That and I foolishly pressed because I still thought maybe I could get her back.

Like I said, I really hate that it ended as messy as it did, but I have no one to blame but myself. I'd do anything to go back in time and tell myself to leave it as it was when she left my apartment after ending things. Because, honestly, it wasn't a heated breakup at that point.

I also really regret that now [ex's name] may think about her time with me as a waste. It sucks that she, and maybe some of you, might refer to or think of me as the crazy ex. Again, my fault and I can't change how she or anyone thinks, but it's just another reason I have major regrets about the breakup seeing as we had a really great run together with few problems. For 14 months, she and I had a near perfect relationship, at least from my standpoint. At the very least, it was perfect up until June. Her and I just clicked. Yes, we had our differences but, for the most part, we got each other. Somewhere along the line, for whatever reason, it deteriorated. Maybe I missed or subconsciously ignored the warning signs, but I thought we were both legitimately working on things and I thought after our July fight, we would be stronger because up until less than a week prior to the breakup, I thought we were rolling. We're both to fault for that. She was never great about communicating her emotions and I was afraid to bring stuff up because I thought she'd bolt. Maybe had we talked about things more, things would have been different, but hindsight is 20/20. I really did love her, though. To some extent, I probably still do. She's honestly the first person I ever said that to and 100% meant it. And that's a large part of why it was so hard to let go. I just didn't know how to do it. I couldn't just leave it be without trying to put up a fight for her. Unfortunately, that was stubborn on my part and it just escalated things to the point of no return. But I treated her the best throughout the relationship because that's who I am and that's what I thought she deserved.

Anyway, without dragging this out too long, I just want to say I am really sorry for bringing you all into it and fracturing whatever friendship we had/could have had moving forward (at least to the extent an ex can have with his girlfriend's friends after a breakup). I wish I could have let the relationship end on a sad, but quiet note. I'm not asking for her forgiveness (or yours), I'm just admitting that I messed up a lot and that I truly do regret doing so. I don't have any animosity towards her, or any of you.

Best,

jrode23

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