Bleepx6 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 I'm typing this on my phone so my apologies in advance for grammatical/spelling errors. 2 weeks ago, after 23 or so days of NC I sent my ex a letter that despite how he ended things (1 year relationship, broke up with me once on the phone during the 8th month and second time on the phone the day after our anniversary) that I don't blame myself nor him anymore. That I forgive him, and forgive myself. 2-4 days later I received drunk text messages from him saying I was his air and water and he never loved anyone more than me. That my friend (before I met my ex, this friend and I at the time had something going on, but later became platonic friends) is a faggot and stole his princess away. No.. I was always in love with my ex. Lastly, no guy will ever love me the way he did. A day before my first half-marathon run and I received that. I didn't respond for a day. I cried because I thought it was rude and disrespectful. I ran my first 21 K that I trained the week after my break up. A day later, I responded gently telling him to have a good life, that it doesn't matter now. Then he called, and called, and called that I gave in. We talked for two hours on the phone peacefully but awkwardly about everything. That he had no choice but to break it off on the phone. Similarly I made the choice to go through the abortion alone (he left so I had to do what I needed to do.) That he always loved me but he couldn't take it anymore. I, on the other hand did not know how to express my feelings well since I tend to express it through writing due to my childhood abuse while he expresses himself through verbal communication. This is where I was at fault. We ended our conversation peacefully until hours later I over thought. If I was his air and water why did he leave just like that? He didn't mean anything at all, he left. He felt in competition with someone I constantly reassured was only a friend. I had a difficult time trusting him as he left me before. He became angry at me for not letting him get involved with the abortion-- I am relived of. I struggled dealing with failing my major three times during the course of our relationship that I dropped out, studied at a community college for a semester, and transferred again to university with a different major. Trusting someone and even just being vulnerable took a toll on me. I texted him those things-- 19 text messages. Not one response. I felt and still feel stupid. An idiot. That crazy ex girlfriend. He called and yelled at me for expressing my hurt and rejection. Told me that he'll do the talking and I listen: "Don't ever call me, text me, send me letters, or look at me. I'm dead to you. You're dead to me." I cried when I hanged up. Girl friends took me out. I'm home now and just a few minutes ago, started crying for minutes which felt like hours. Contemplated heavily on suicide but I couldn't find a scarf to use. Decided to talk to a counsellor online, and it made me feel a bit better. But as of right now? I just feel so at lost with everything. I don't deserve to live in this world since I made someone so heavily angry, resentful, and hurt over my choice of words at me. I honestly don't know how to react when I see my ex at campus. I feel traumatized, and just deeply sad.... I thought running my half-marathon meant I was over him. I thought I was moving on. Right now? I just want to die to save a human being from getting hurt. Please don't ever break NC.
Luke22 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 (edited) That is "stinkin' thinkin' ". Those types of mind games with yourself are not going to benefit you in any way. Ever. Now. From what I read of your account, you took 10 steps forward and 7 steps back. The end result? You're not back at square one. So accept the fact that you know how to get through the first few weeks, you've already done it once. Depression and thoughts of self harm are best handled with therapy. Seek a therapist ASAP. It's good for the soul. If you have thoughts of self harm, call someone right away, don't let it fester. On top of trying to process the end of this relationship, you are probably also embarrassed, ashamed and a whole lot of other ill feelings because of the way you handled your last interaction with him. News flash! So. What. Seriously, this will mean absolutely nothing to you in time. No one I've met has had the fairy tale breakup. I for sure did not. Lesson learned? You have made progress. You're not perfect (who is). You let your self esteem temporarily vanish and subsequently returned power to the ex. Ok. So what now? Move on. Hour by hour. Day by day. Be your best. Love yourself. Your match is out there, it just wasn't him. Edited October 24, 2015 by Luke22 2
Recommended Posts