KO123 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Hello everyone, I'm sitting here thinking about what I did wrong in my relationship (shocking!) and I came across a few threads covering the BPD characteristics of their ex partners. Although I don't think the list applies to me, but I remember my ex accusing me of certain things that are on that list. Although no one has ever accused me of such things besides him, I read a bit about it and they say people who suffer from it don't really know they do. I would go to a therapist, but where I live it's not really common. My friends tried going, and all the therapists here do is prescribe medication and that's it. They don't really treat you by having sessions and so on. But then again it could all be my ex being harsh on me and blaming everything on me. So I thought I'd discuss it here because it seems like some people here are familiar with the topic. Don't know if it's something I need to worry about and be treated or I was just basically falsely accused by my ex to blame me. P.s. Apologies if this is the wrong forum for this thread. I didn't know where else to put it.
carhill Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 IME, an accurate answer comes from a diagnosis by medical professionals, generally a team of professionals which focus on different aspects of the physiology and psychology of the mind. Around here (US), only a medical doctor can prescribe brain medications (I'm not talking booze, MJ, coke, etc) and our brain doctors are generally psychiatrists and neurologists. A therapist focuses on 'talk therapy' and targeting areas of a person's psychology through interaction and self-examination. Is it possible to have a borderline disorder and be aware of it? Yes. Generally, though, people in brain disease processes lack global awareness because the diseased organ is the one charged with sensing, analyzing and processing the information. The manager itself is flawed in some way. Hence the need for outside professional analysis. We have a member here named 'Downtown' who often posts on this topic and has amassed a lot of lay knowledge on it. I'd suggest perusing their posts. Here's a litmus test I came to understand from having psychosis diagnosed by a team of professionals in a person I was caregiver to: Can you form and maintain healthy relationships? Take a hard look at your family and friendships and see how that goes. If you have healthy relationships and can go out today and make new ones which stand the test of time, meaning years, then IMO I'd tend to discount a form of global BPD as being significant. If you, OTOH, struggle with relationships in general, that to me would indicate having a professional take a closer look. A way to look at it is, if you are feeling ill and it's not resolving, you get a doctor's opinion on your physical condition, yes? Well, the brain is part of that. It's an organ. Same thing. Good luck! 1
Author KO123 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 IME, an accurate answer comes from a diagnosis by medical professionals, generally a team of professionals which focus on different aspects of the physiology and psychology of the mind. Around here (US), only a medical doctor can prescribe brain medications (I'm not talking booze, MJ, coke, etc) and our brain doctors are generally psychiatrists and neurologists. A therapist focuses on 'talk therapy' and targeting areas of a person's psychology through interaction and self-examination. Is it possible to have a borderline disorder and be aware of it? Yes. Generally, though, people in brain disease processes lack global awareness because the diseased organ is the one charged with sensing, analyzing and processing the information. The manager itself is flawed in some way. Hence the need for outside professional analysis. We have a member here named 'Downtown' who often posts on this topic and has amassed a lot of lay knowledge on it. I'd suggest perusing their posts. Here's a litmus test I came to understand from having psychosis diagnosed by a team of professionals in a person I was caregiver to: Can you form and maintain healthy relationships? Take a hard look at your family and friendships and see how that goes. If you have healthy relationships and can go out today and make new ones which stand the test of time, meaning years, then IMO I'd tend to discount a form of global BPD as being significant. If you, OTOH, struggle with relationships in general, that to me would indicate having a professional take a closer look. A way to look at it is, if you are feeling ill and it's not resolving, you get a doctor's opinion on your physical condition, yes? Well, the brain is part of that. It's an organ. Same thing. Good luck! Thank you for your response. Yes what I meant but didn't explain well probably is that the doctors we have are psychiatrists and not really therapists. My friend went for anxiety and they gave her meds which eventually made her worse until she went abroad and a therapist helped her. As for my relationships: I have a very close relationship with my family and have maintained friendships for over 10 years that are still close to me. I don't think I've an issue making new friends or maintaining them. The only issue is that my ex would analyze my behavior incorrectly (in my opinion) and accuse me. He was my first proper relationship because I've always been very careful about whom I get involved with and it's not easy for me to like someone right away and I often turned guys down. So I don't really have another experience like this as a benchmark.
Luke22 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 KO123. Stop self diagnosing! It's ok to research BPD and familiarize yourself with it for the sake of being informed. However, too much time spent googling various diseases on the Internet and you could talk yourself into having a myriad of health issues. There are multiple illnesses out there that we could all identify with the symptoms. It takes a licensed professional to diagnose BPD. Cautious though, one psychiatrist's diagnoses may vary from another. It takes a psychiatrist who will spend time and properly screen you for a diagnoses of BPD. Why does this matter? Because you should be spending time on healing and rebuilding yourself. NOT trying to validate your ex's statements that came from a place of hurt and defense. If it is a concern, seek a respected psychiatrist. Take the time your spending researching BPD and do something for yourself. Go for a walk, read, start a puzzle, cook, get out and have coffee with a friend. You need to take care of your emotional self.
carhill Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 BP1 and BP2 relate to bi-polar. The OP is discussing Borderline Personality Disorder. However, and this is where the professionals come in, it's not uncommon to find comorbid BP1/2 and BPD. The hard part is getting a dx. Obviously, an ex who's upset is not going to provide a detached analysis. Hence, yup, take that with a grain of salt.
alphamale Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 BP1 and BP2 relate to bi-polar. The OP is discussing Borderline Personality Disorder. I see...I can talk to the former but not the latter
Downtown Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Am I BPD? ...Don't know if it's something I need to worry about.KO, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is a spectrum disorder, which means it is a set of basic human behavioral traits we all have to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether you "have BPD traits." Of course you do. We all do. Instead, at issue is whether your BPD traits are so strong and persistent that they are undermining your ability -- as Carhill said -- "to form and maintain healthy relationships." As Carhill explained, none of us on this forum can diagnose your issues. Only a professional can do that. The best we can do, then, is to point you to good online resources that provide accurate descriptions for the BPD warning signs. If you're interested in reading about them, an easy place to start is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs -- and my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Carhill in discussing them with you. For what it's worth, I haven't found any strong warning signs for BPD in your 16 posts. On the contrary, your statement that "He was my first proper relationship because I've always been very careful about whom I get involved with and it's not easy for me to like someone right away" is a contra-indication. I say this because BPDers typically lack impulse control, hate to be alone, and tend to become infatuated so quickly that it is common for them to be professing deep love within a few weeks. 1
basil67 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Generally speaking, some posters have good knowledge of mental health related conditions - most of which has been picked up through life experience with a close person who has a formal diagnosis. However there are also a very large number of posters who diagnose people in their lives with the help of Google. Or, even worse, stereotype. Mostly they are talking ****. My personal favourites are those who think that a partner who changes their mind a lot is "a bit bi-polar". Look at the issues you have individually and think about what kinds of changes you can make.
Atlantico Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) I have been with a peson with BDP and can be really problematic to the point of one wanting be out. It is like something you only realise its a problem when the issues pille up, and you seat a bit, google a bit, and say. "Ah so this is not my problem..." The therapist confirmed it all, like was reading the same book twice... In my case the girl was not aware of her predicament AT ALL. Very dificult to treat, I would say, I vaguely remenber have read that there is a drug with limited results,and comportamental treatment also difficult Edited October 25, 2015 by Atlantico
Author KO123 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 KO123. Stop self diagnosing! It's ok to research BPD and familiarize yourself with it for the sake of being informed. However, too much time spent googling various diseases on the Internet and you could talk yourself into having a myriad of health issues. There are multiple illnesses out there that we could all identify with the symptoms. It takes a licensed professional to diagnose BPD. Cautious though, one psychiatrist's diagnoses may vary from another. It takes a psychiatrist who will spend time and properly screen you for a diagnoses of BPD. Why does this matter? Because you should be spending time on healing and rebuilding yourself. NOT trying to validate your ex's statements that came from a place of hurt and defense. If it is a concern, seek a respected psychiatrist. Take the time your spending researching BPD and do something for yourself. Go for a walk, read, start a puzzle, cook, get out and have coffee with a friend. You need to take care of your emotional self. Thank you, Luke. I agree with you. I know it's bad, but I'm trying to figure out if there's any truth to what he accused me of, then I'd like to work on it and improve - not for him, but for myself. It's difficult because I don't agree with what he constantly accused me of. Thanks again, I will try harder to focus on the positives
Author KO123 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) KO, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is a spectrum disorder, which means it is a set of basic human behavioral traits we all have to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether you "have BPD traits." Of course you do. We all do. Instead, at issue is whether your BPD traits are so strong and persistent that they are undermining your ability -- as Carhill said -- "to form and maintain healthy relationships." As Carhill explained, none of us on this forum can diagnose your issues. Only a professional can do that. The best we can do, then, is to point you to good online resources that provide accurate descriptions for the BPD warning signs. If you're interested in reading about them, an easy place to start is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs -- and my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Carhill in discussing them with you. For what it's worth, I haven't found any strong warning signs for BPD in your 16 posts. On the contrary, your statement that "He was my first proper relationship because I've always been very careful about whom I get involved with and it's not easy for me to like someone right away" is a contra-indication. I say this because BPDers typically lack impulse control, hate to be alone, and tend to become infatuated so quickly that it is common for them to be professing deep love within a few weeks. Thank you! I went over the list and I honestly don't see myself in it (as you said, we all have it to a certain extent, but I don't think it should be a concern for me. I shared it with some of my friends (the painfully honest ones) and they said the same thing. But I will give you one example of what he accused me so you know where I'm coming from: A few months ago, I travelled for vacation for 7 days. He insisted to have daily phone calls , always keep him updated by sending pictures and text messages. Whenever I was too busy for phone calls, he'd be upset saying I'm busy having fun and neglecting him. I tried to accommodate as much as I could and I even upset my friends because I used my phone a lot during the trip. Even when I'd tell him I'm busy during the phone call he just wouldn't hang up and keep talking. A couple of months later, he travelled for 3 weeks. He only called me twice (very quick, 10 minutes each) during the whole trip. Never sent me any pics unless I asked for them and showed him that I'm upset (I wanted to feel included because I obviously missed him) and often ignored my message claiming that he's busy and he's around his family so he can't respond (I didn't contact him a lot anyway). He accused me of being an attention seeker and that that I hate it when he's away and having fun without me. When he came back, I talked to him about it. I told him I don't mind and I understand that he's busy, but then he should've been understanding when I was away. I asked him why is it okay for him to do it and when I do it I get called an attention seeker who's jealous of the attention he gives his family and friends? He apologized. But this behavior occurred so many times. Somehow I always end up the one being jealous of the attention he gives others and accused of being an attention seeker. He often comments on how I hate all of his friends and how I don't want him to hang out with anyone but me. I really don't understand where this comes from, because I'm often the one who asks him to take days off and travel with friends and family because he usually works hard for so long and doesn't have time to take vacations. Whenever it's the weekend and he doesn't go out (which isn't a lot, he's social) I encourage him to call his friends and go out. He somehow forgets all this and has this strange impression of me. This is why I wonder if I'm unaware of my actions? I'm usually very self-aware and analyze my actions and always try to find the root cause of my reactions. But I still can't see the truth in what he used to accuse me of. That's why I'm doubting myself, maybe I'm not really aware? Edited October 25, 2015 by KO123
Downtown Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Somehow I always end up the one being jealous of the attention he gives others and accused of being an attention seeker.... I really don't understand where this comes from.KO, his subconscious mind likely is "where this comes from." The behavior you describe is called "projection." When people are very insecure and have painful fears and thoughts, it is common for their subconscious to project those fears and thoughts onto their partners. The pain is reduced by getting them outside the body. Because this projection is done entirely at the subconscious level, the person will be absolutely convinced -- at a conscious level -- that YOU are the source of the fears and thoughts. This is why it is common for a person who hates to share you with your friends and family to be firmly convinced that you feel that way about him. And this is why a person who is thinking about cheating will start believing that you are the one having such thoughts.
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