did i do the right thing?

[eglon]

Noticed and began talking to a woman this summer , she was wearing a ring first couple times I saw her, she became very friendly after our first conversation when I met her so I asked her out for a coffee and she said she would like that and to meet her when she is finished working, then told me she has a partner who works out of town, wondering why she told me that after agreeing to meet me for coffee?

 

So we did go for coffee ,but I did not ask about her partner , or why she wants to spend time with me if she is with someone, I know its seems screwed up and crazy to be wondering now, but as we seemed to be quite attracted to one another , did not want to encourage or ask anything that would suggest I wanted to get involved with her while she is with someone.

 

I was waiting to see what she was going to say, but she did not say much herself about why we were spending time together, we just enjoyed each others company for a bit then went our separate ways. regretting I did not ask more questions , but maybe it is best I did not? Trying to understand this? Help?

Edited October 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

You had coffee together & chatted. That's hardly cheating. Asking more Qs or remaining silent were both OK. The encounter you shared was above board

[carhill]

First, a ring or lack of one means nothing. Plenty of married women don't wear rings and some women wear rings as a 'stay away' sign to men who recognize such. A lot of men don't, which is why men have affairs with married women.

 

What does it mean? She wanted to have coffee with you and spend time with you. Nothing more and nothing less. If you like doing that, do that. Her relationship status is unverifiable and generally irrelevant. While out, enjoying her company, don't fail to look around. There are no rules other than those you voluntarily apply or agree to. Here, this is a stranger who had coffee with you.

 

The key is to live in the now and let go of 'what ifs' and expectations.

 

In my demographic it's common for a woman to have a new beau or lover before replacing the old one officially. Unremarkable. Yep, those coffee meetings happen. Whatever happens after that happens. Let it, within your personal boundaries. You decide.

[Guyouthere]

First, a ring or lack of one means nothing. Plenty of married women don't wear rings and some women wear rings as a 'stay away' sign to men who recognize such. A lot of men don't, which is why men have affairs with married women.

 

What does it mean? She wanted to have coffee with you and spend time with you. Nothing more and nothing less. If you like doing that, do that. Her relationship status is unverifiable and generally irrelevant. While out, enjoying her company, don't fail to look around. There are no rules other than those you voluntarily apply or agree to. Here, this is a stranger who had coffee with you.

 

The key is to live in the now and let go of 'what ifs' and expectations.

 

In my demographic it's common for a woman to have a new beau or lover before replacing the old one officially. Unremarkable. Yep, those coffee meetings happen. Whatever happens after that happens. Let it, within your personal boundaries. You decide.

 

It appears as though she was likely cheating on her partner.

 

I feel bad for him

 

He likely knows nothing of her behavior.

[carhill]

Yep, absolutely she could be. However, a lot of MW's I've known do not see such interactions as cheating. How do I know this? Because they tell me directly. Could they be lying? Yes! People lie.

 

That's why I always suggest going with the real within one's personal boundaries. If the OP, as example, has strong boundaries regarding the mere suggestion of infidelity, cease relations immediately upon any suggestion being sensed. If different boundaries, that. If no boundaries, that.

 

One thing I learned from interacting with dozens if not hundreds of married women in my life was that each interaction was a potential springboard to other interactions with other people. Since the OP is apparently single, if he likes to mingle, polite social interaction with someone whose marital or relationship status is unknown can lead to other interactions with other parties. Is that disrespectful? Again boundaries. I don't think it is. In social interactions we can be as discriminating as we choose to be. Do some people despise us for it? Yes! Let them! Their existence is generally irrelevant.

[Guyouthere]

Yep, absolutely she could be. However, a lot of MW's I've known do not see such interactions as cheating. How do I know this? Because they tell me directly. Could they be lying? Yes! People lie.

 

That's why I always suggest going with the real within one's personal boundaries. If the OP, as example, has strong boundaries regarding the mere suggestion of infidelity, cease relations immediately upon any suggestion being sensed. If different boundaries, that. If no boundaries, that.

 

One thing I learned from interacting with dozens if not hundreds of married women in my life was that each interaction was a potential springboard to other interactions with other people. Since the OP is apparently single, if he likes to mingle, polite social interaction with someone whose marital or relationship status is unknown can lead to other interactions with other parties. Is that disrespectful? Again boundaries. I don't think it is. In social interactions we can be as discriminating as we choose to be. Do some people despise us for it? Yes! Let them! Their existence is generally irrelevant.

 

Each interaction with a married woman (even if innocent) is a possible spring into suing her (and her husbands) marriage.

 

Married men or women should simply avoid others of the opposite sex (when it comes to personal interactions).

 

Plain and simple.

 

Some people have strong boundaries and some do not.

 

The last girl I was with, her counselor told her that she had "no set boundaries".

 

I didn't even know what that meant.

 

Then I realized she didn't. I learned the hard way.

[carhill]

I think your advice, if the OP is married or 'taken' is sound. However he's not, or he hasn't mentioned his status so he can do pretty much whatever he wants. If his philosophy aligns with yours, he should not have posted this thread, rather simply discontinued association without comment.

 

'Oh, you have a partner? I didn't know that. Sorry, but I can't continue'

 

What I'm reading here is that the OP was 'talking' to a woman who was wearing a ring and, upon noting is missing, apparently asked her out for coffee, upon when she mentioned her 'partner was out of town'.

 

Heh, not spouse, not boyfriend, but partner. Business partner, personal partner, partner? Is she bi-sexual and living with a female partner? It's all unknown. Since the OP apparently continued to talk to the woman, knowing she had a common symbol of partnership such as marriage, that indicates their boundaries would include such talks and a coffee request when noting the ring to be gone.

 

I believe rules and boundaries are healthy, but not to the point where they strangle one's life and especially when predicated upon unknowns, like the meaning of the ring or 'partner' in this case.

 

The OP indicates his boundaries to a certain degree with this:

 

" did not want to encourage or ask anything that would suggest I wanted to get involved with her while she is with someone"

 

Hence, if he chose to cease progress to get involved with her, since he currently believes her to be involved with someone, then IMO he did the right thing, for him. For me, nah, I don't care. Spent too much life bound up in rules and doing the right thing. Different strokes!

[d0nnivain]

Married men or women should simply avoid others of the opposite sex (when it comes to personal interactions).

 

 

That's unrealistic. I am a happily married woman. Simply because I have a conversation with a man or enjoy his company in public while sharing a beverage, does not mean I'm considering cheating on my husband.

 

 

You can't avoid 1/2 of the human race.

 

 

The woman in Q here told the OP she had a partner. She sat in a public place with him, drank coffee & chatted. We have no other facts. You are assuming she did this to assess him as an affair partner. Since nothing else happened, why can't we assume all she wanted was a nice chat?

[PogoStick]

Or she does it with consent while he's away.