Apparition Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 So, my ex and I decided to be friends three weeks ago and everything was going okay until being her friend, I noticed something off. Here is the reason why we broke up, she claimed she was r*ped and didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else. I tried to help her, get her to go to therapy but she wouldn't go or even go to the police. Long story short, we broke up, her decision. Yet, she claimed she still loved me but wasn't in love with me. I work with her so I see her everyday, and we started talking again and decided to be friends three weeks ago. Being her friend was strange, as I wanted to say things but couldn't because we aren't in a relationship. Now, bearing in mind when she was going through this trauma, I read up loads of articles, blogs, even went on forums to try understand what she was going through. However, whilst being her friend, I have noticed things little off. I had suspicions she was lying, and then today she made this comment that made me realize she's not this innocent victim who hates being touched, looked at etc. So, I was off with her all day because it bugged me and she finally asked what was it. I was honest and told her I don't believe she was r*ped. In return, she got mad and called me evil, said she hates me, told me she'd never forgive me for this and she hopes she gets hit by a bus before leaving. Now, my gut tells me she said all this because she knows I know she is lying. She told me this guy killed himself and he lives in our town yet I never heard ANYTHING about someone killing themselves and it's a small town so I most likely would have. I really have no idea WTF to think but I do not feel she was honest with me, I feel she was/is hiding something. Anyway, obviously we'll probably never speak again but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt that I feel lied to and all the nasty things she said to me before leaving.
Zapbasket Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Women don't tend, as a whole, to lie about sexual assault. Reason being: it's still too risky for women to share or report that they'very been assaulted because there still is a tendency to blame women, etc. What makes you think she lied about her rape? 1
Author Apparition Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 GC, I would never have thought she lied in a million years until today. I began noticing things differently. She told me on more than one occasion that sexual comments or anything remotely romantically/sexually makes her feel uncomfortable, of course, this was understandable after what she been through, or so she told me. Today, I was added to a group conversation with mutual friends and she was in it, we were all joking, laughing etc and then I left to go take care of a few things downstairs. When I came back up, I scrolled back and read through the convo and saw the females in the chat had all disappeared except two of them. There was four guys in the convo, and my ex was ignoring her female friend and focused on the guys. The guys were being SEXUAL, making sexual comments, flirting with her etc. She wasn't being sexual back, but she was joking with them and commenting on their sexual comments, not even rejecting them and she would "Lol" at them. Then, the conversation moved onto celebrities, and movies, the girls including my ex, were commenting on actors looks, some of them were sexual comments. I've looked at this from many views, and asked myself If I am just being jealous, but honestly, I'm not. I just felt VERY off about this and have a gut feeling she's hiding something. Maybe I'm wrong about her not being r*ped, but seriously, something just does not add up with her and I cannot put my finger on it. It's like now since we've broken up and decided to be friends, she's became a different person overnight and is no longer the victim who would call me up early hours in the morning crying about a dream she had. I don't know if that was guilt because maybe she cheated on me? I don't know. My head is f*cked.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 I think being friends is not a good idea. You aren't a couple and the situation is too complicated to just be friends. It's very difficult to say whether or not she's lying about being raped, especially if she won't give up any details about her attacker and this person has allegedly committed suicide. If she truly was raped, you can't do much to support her if she doesn't want it. And it appears she doesn't. I would go as No Contact as possible, at least as far as your work situation allows. What leads you to believe she isn't being honest about her rape? 1
Simon Phoenix Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Of course your head is f--ked. You're trying to be friends with someone that you have romantic interest in, which is making you do ridiculous things like accusing people of lying about rape. Stop trying to force the friends thing and take the breakup seriously. Heal from the break instead of haphazardly trying to force a friendship. You are overanalyzing everything. If you were capable of being her friend you wouldn't be doing that. You need to stop interacting with this person. It's completely sabotaging your recovery and well-being. 2
Author Apparition Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 I agree with you that I need to stop being involved with her completely so I can heal, but I do not think I am overthinking about her lying. I'm not that kind of person, and the last person I would imagine who would lie to me would be her. But, these past couple of weeks things have been strange and she's turned into a completely different person. Expat, you're right, friends isn't a good idea. She won't talk to me anyway after I said I don't think she was r*ped. So, I have no choice but to go NC.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 I agree with you that I need to stop being involved with her completely so I can heal, but I do not think I am overthinking about her lying. I'm not that kind of person, and the last person I would imagine who would lie to me would be her. But, these past couple of weeks things have been strange and she's turned into a completely different person. Expat, you're right, friends isn't a good idea. She won't talk to me anyway after I said I don't think she was r*ped. So, I have no choice but to go NC. Even if she is lying about the rape, what is the upside of calling her out on that? What positive can come from doing something like that? It was just a bad idea all the way around and the manifestation of a horrible idea for you to try to be her buddy when you clearly are not in a state where that's possible. 1
Author Apparition Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I just wanted to know the truth. Anyway, it probably doesn't make a difference - outcome is the same.
Author Apparition Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 Okay, serious question now, guys. I work with her and I LOVE my job. However, I seriously do not think I can handle being around her right now at work. I am starting to think of leaving my job. Is that too extreme or should I do it? New start and stuff?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Do you have to interact with her frequently at work?
Zapbasket Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Intimate relationships require very different levels of vulnerability and investment and honesty and exposure than other relationships. And people who have experienced some kind of trauma are anxious to seem okay, because they desperately WANT to be okay, even though they are not. Your ex's inconsistent behavior around sexual matters is perfectly consistent with someone who has been through sexual trauma. I don't see any sign that she is lying either about her rape or about her rape being the principal reason she needed to break up with you. If she's lying about anything, she could possibly be lying about her perp having committed suicide. It eliminates the necessity of the question of who her perp was and maybe helps her to put the matter to rest. People do and say strange things when they've been through hell. I definitely think you owe her an apology for accusing her of lying. And as part of that, I think you need to be really honest with yourself that you are hurting too much from the end of this relationship, feeling rejected, confused, etc., to have a friendship with her. I think you need to try to talk to her about it, as a gesture of care for what you two had. On a related note, I went to college with a girl who told me she scratched herself until she bled--her version of "cutting." She told me that she always scratched herself on her upper back and shoulders, just below her neck, and that the area was covered in scabs. Imagine my surprise, then, when I was coming down the hallway of our dorm and saw her ahead of me, her back to me, completely bare from the shoulder blades up as she was wrapped in a towel, having just had a shower, and--her skin on her upper back was smooth and pink and perfect, with not a single scar or mark or scab. She continued to tell me about her "scratching," and I never confronted her with what I saw. Why? Because whether it was true or a lie, either way it showed she had some emotional difficulties. Lying about a rape is just as indicative of emotional troubles as actually having been raped, and a person who would lie about such a thing obviously has a profound need for others to believe it to be true. So there is NO GOOD that can come from calling them out on it. Leave that kind of delicate situation to a therapist. And, like I said, it's highly unlikely a woman ever would lie about having been raped. 1
sandylee1 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 If its easy enough to get another job, then you should do that ASAP. She could be lying about being raped. She wouldn't be the first woman to do so and she won't be the last if she did. However, with no proof of her rape being untrue, you shouldn't have called her a liar. That was very wrong of you. Stay away from her, as no good can come of the friendship.
Author Apparition Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 If its easy enough to get another job, then you should do that ASAP. She could be lying about being raped. She wouldn't be the first woman to do so and she won't be the last if she did. However, with no proof of her rape being untrue, you shouldn't have called her a liar. That was very wrong of you. Stay away from her, as no good can come of the friendship. It will not be easy finding another job; I'll have to wait for some time to do so but I do not think I can work with her anymore. And no, I have no proof of her not being r*ped but something is definitely off. Since we've been friends I have looked at my relationship with her more into depth and I have been puzzling pieces together. For example, during our relationship - into two years of being together, I had her on messenger so I could talk to her during work hours. While I was talking to her, she added this guy who I never even heard of to the conversation and I believe it was an accident. I immediately asked, "who is this?" and there was no response from both of them. I left the conversation. She messaged me back saying it was some guy who is stalking her and she wanted him to meet me because she told him she has a boyfriend. I asked how she got his username for messenger, she made up this big story about him being on a dating website and something about her niece's profile on there. Apparently, she used her nieces profile to ask him for his messenger name? I overlooked this because I loved her and believed her - I believed everything she told me. Now after being out of the relationship, I realize I was naive and asked myself why would she purposely lure someone who is allegedly stalking her onto messenger? Why didn't she tell me she was doing this and going to add him? The truth, I believe, is it was an accident. I don't believe she's had a stalker now. Just like I don't believe she's been r*ped. I don't think it was wrong of me to call her a liar as I believe I deserve the truth. It's especially hurtful when you love someone and think they could lie to you about sick things like this. I don't get it. Intimate relationships require very different levels of vulnerability and investment and honesty and exposure than other relationships. And people who have experienced some kind of trauma are anxious to seem okay, because they desperately WANT to be okay, even though they are not. Your ex's inconsistent behavior around sexual matters is perfectly consistent with someone who has been through sexual trauma. I don't see any sign that she is lying either about her rape or about her rape being the principal reason she needed to break up with you. If she's lying about anything, she could possibly be lying about her perp having committed suicide. It eliminates the necessity of the question of who her perp was and maybe helps her to put the matter to rest. People do and say strange things when they've been through hell. I definitely think you owe her an apology for accusing her of lying. And as part of that, I think you need to be really honest with yourself that you are hurting too much from the end of this relationship, feeling rejected, confused, etc., to have a friendship with her. I think you need to try to talk to her about it, as a gesture of care for what you two had. On a related note, I went to college with a girl who told me she scratched herself until she bled--her version of "cutting." She told me that she always scratched herself on her upper back and shoulders, just below her neck, and that the area was covered in scabs. Imagine my surprise, then, when I was coming down the hallway of our dorm and saw her ahead of me, her back to me, completely bare from the shoulder blades up as she was wrapped in a towel, having just had a shower, and--her skin on her upper back was smooth and pink and perfect, with not a single scar or mark or scab. She continued to tell me about her "scratching," and I never confronted her with what I saw. Why? Because whether it was true or a lie, either way it showed she had some emotional difficulties. Lying about a rape is just as indicative of emotional troubles as actually having been raped, and a person who would lie about such a thing obviously has a profound need for others to believe it to be true. So there is NO GOOD that can come from calling them out on it. Leave that kind of delicate situation to a therapist. And, like I said, it's highly unlikely a woman ever would lie about having been raped. GC, I agree with most of what you said - I can apologize to her, but would that make it wrong even if I still don't believe it? I mean, would my apology matter? I absolutely do feel rejected and hurt, I cannot lie about that, and friendship would only ever be possible if my emotions for her, romantically, were buried for her. I could not possibly be her friend whilst I have intense love for her, still and she does not reciprocate. It is terribly painful to even have doubts and question her; I probably shouldn't have said anything about her lying, I feel bad that I did, but I do think I deserve not to be lied to. Maybe there is something else and I have missed it entirely. Who knows? I will see her tonight at the meeting for my work. I'm dreading it. Do you have to interact with her frequently at work? Yes, Simon. I basically manage her and two others in my department. Her projects go through me, so she has to speak to me first before I send them upstairs. We have meetings, like tonight, and I will be doing public speaking in front of her and several others. I do not want this effecting my work performance.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Yeah, you need to find a new job. And for future reference, do not hook up with coworkers, especially if they are in your department and double especially if you are their manager. Not only can you avoid awkward situations like this, but you are lucky this hasn't been worse. She can easily say that you are discriminating against her at work (even if it's not true) because of personal reasons. I mean, simply accusing her of lying about rape (which I've already told you was really dumb) pretty much exposes you to possible work trouble if she chooses to go that route. And no, you are not owed "the truth" about her "rape" -- you're an ex-boyfriend, she doesn't have to tell you s--t if she doesn't want to. Don't necessarily up and quit right this second, but if I were you I'd be sending applications out en masse. And, lesson for next time, don't s--t where you eat.
dumbass2 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 You need to start looking for another job asap! This is going to be a no win situation for you if you stay. I can see this getting worse in the immediate future. Your feelings are too strong for her and now you have this resentment for her because you think she lied and you are continuing to dig into the past realtionship. This cannot continue on with you guys working together that close and you being above her. Start looking for a another job before you are forced out of this one and like the others have said, stay away from dating people that work directly with you especially when you are in the type of position you are now.
Author Apparition Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Yeah, you need to find a new job. And for future reference, do not hook up with coworkers, especially if they are in your department and double especially if you are their manager. Not only can you avoid awkward situations like this, but you are lucky this hasn't been worse. She can easily say that you are discriminating against her at work (even if it's not true) because of personal reasons. I mean, simply accusing her of lying about rape (which I've already told you was really dumb) pretty much exposes you to possible work trouble if she chooses to go that route. And no, you are not owed "the truth" about her "rape" -- you're an ex-boyfriend, she doesn't have to tell you s--t if she doesn't want to. Don't necessarily up and quit right this second, but if I were you I'd be sending applications out en masse. And, lesson for next time, don't s--t where you eat. I did not "hook up" with a co-worker. I got her the job, I already worked there for years. You cannot help where you fall in love, so that statement is pretty ridiculous. Also, if someone lies to me during a relationship, then yes, I deserve the truth. Now that I am no longer IN the relationship, she doesn't have to tell me anything but it does not mean I don't deserve the truth still. You need to start looking for another job asap! This is going to be a no win situation for you if you stay. I can see this getting worse in the immediate future. Your feelings are too strong for her and now you have this resentment for her because you think she lied and you are continuing to dig into the past realtionship. This cannot continue on with you guys working together that close and you being above her. Start looking for a another job before you are forced out of this one and like the others have said, stay away from dating people that work directly with you especially when you are in the type of position you are now. Dumbass, thanks for the input but I do not resent her even if she did lie. I am simply just hurt. I agree though that it's a no win situation. And again, I did not date her because she was a co-worker, I got her the job when she needed it and I thought I was doing something nice for the woman I was dating. Anyway, I guess it would be wise to leave and find another job, despite working my ass off for years to earn my position. Though, she has mentioned for a year she was leaving the job and still hasn't. I thought she would have indefinitely once I was out of her life, I guess not.
Simon Phoenix Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) You got your girlfriend a job in the department you work in? That's almost worse. It's always a bad idea to mix work and love life. And no, you aren't entitled to the truth to the point of where you are accusing women of lying about being raped. That's ridiculous, I'm sorry. Like I've already said, there was literally no method in which doing that was going to result in a net positive for you. Either way, there's a reason why many companies do not allow employees to carry on romantic relationships with each other. What you are going through, unfortunately, is one of them. Just makes for a weird vibe. I mean, I've dated a coworker and it died. Never again. Luckily she was not in my department so I did not have to interact with her professionally very often, but it was an awkward few months until she quit. Edited October 25, 2015 by Simon Phoenix
Author Apparition Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 So, I found out yesterday my ex has lied about multiple things during our relationship and even now. I'm no longer feeling bad about telling her I thought she was lying about the r*pe, because I don't believe anything she says now after finding out the things I discovered yesterday. It's pretty obvious now that she has lied about the r*pe. And I feel sick to my stomach knowing that. She was off work today, thank god, so I never got to see her. I am planning to move out of that job by January and find somewhere else. I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow about it, I think I'll just stay until Christmas so I get wages for the holidays and next year can be a new start for me.
BC1980 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I just wanted to know the truth. Anyway, it probably doesn't make a difference - outcome is the same. Exactly. This entire situation is an example of why you do not attempt to be friends with an ex. Her possibly lying about being raped is irrelevant to the situation. It could have been anything else that would have caused this drama because you are seeing her everyday and trying to be friends with her. I think I recommended in a previous thread that you look for another job. I think that is still your best route. I can't imagine having to work closely with my ex on a daily basis. As it stands, I pass the guy in the hall every few months, and that is more than enough. Really and truly, I think it will be impossible for you to move on if you stay at this job. 1
Chi townD Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Yep! If I were you, I would dust off that resume and find something else. Or if your job has different locations within the company, I would ask for a transfer to another location. Maybe in a different city or state. Somewhere you can make a fresh start. Don't tell anyone you are thinking of doing this. 1
mightycpa Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I did not "hook up" with a co-worker. I got her the job, I already worked there for years. You cannot help where you fall in love, so that statement is pretty ridiculous.What you did is even worse than dating a co-worker. You proactively made your job situation worse. You just didn't recognize that it was worse until now. 1
Author Apparition Posted October 28, 2015 Author Posted October 28, 2015 Guys who keep giving me a hard time because I got my ex a job, get over it. This is the real world, people date online, people date co-workers, people date whoever they choose to date. Some of them get married and live happily, some don't. It's life. Stop telling me _I_ made my situation worse. I did not make my situation worse. I trusted someone and gave someone my heart, that is NOT my fault. That is what people do when they're in love with someone. I do not come here for your judgmental, stupid comments and lectures about how I made my situation worse for dating someone who I helped get a job. That's what people do when they're in a relationship, they help each other. I am not the first and certainly not the last. I can choose to date as many co-workers as I please. You have no right to tell me I shouldn't have done this or that. It's my life, my responsibilities, my HEART and my mental well being, so I choose what I do with it. Also, you act like co-workers are alien. They're people too. People date people. If someone comments on this again, I am going to just ignore it because it's irritating. If you have nothing to contribute to my thread, then please get lost and take your judgmental lectures elsewhere. As for everyone who has commented and been helpful, thank you. BC, I agree with you. I am looking for a job as we speak. I should have a while ago. I have asked my boss to swap my shifts for a while, so I am no longer working near her but can still see her sometimes, just not as often. I am also trying my best to avoid her everywhere.
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