kentt Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Dear all, I'm in a miserable state right now, totally lost and wondering what to do next.. I need advice Background: My girlfriend (26) and I (31) have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years, having known her 4 years ago. The distance isn't too bad, just a 2 hour flight, so I've been flying over to be with her 8-10 times a year. My plan is to re-locate to where she's at in 3 years' time for good, and start our family there. Apart from our visits to each other, we communicate mainly by message and FaceTime calls. Things have been going well (at least to me) and we celebrated our 3rd anniversary together in August this year. I truly felt this was the best year of my life, and the best period of our relationship. I was looking forward to monthly trips to be with her the next few years, before finally re-locating. I love her, I really do. Messaging and seeing her on FaceTime at night was enough to get me through my day. I truly felt that we were on to a fairytale future together. We never fought, we've always agreed on things together and she's always saying how good I'm treating her. We both have very stressful jobs, but I'm handling mine better than her. She falls ill once in a while, and is constantly being pressured to give her parents money and to pay for all the expenses of her bum little sister (graduated close to 2 years but haven't been doing anything). She regularly complains about stress, and how it has been affecting her health. Breakup: Then all of a sudden, since the start of October, she became more distant. Constantly not answering calls, not returning them, and not replying to messages. A few times, I only found out what she was doing from Instagram. She went MIA for 2 days since Thursday, then the hammer blow came today - she'd decided she wants to be alone, and wants us to break up. She said that she no longer feel anything for me, and that she felt obliged to stay with me due to how much I love her. And right now she feels that no matter how much she try she just couldn't feel any love for me, so it's better that we break up. I was stunned, gobsmacked. 3 years of relationship then all of a sudden she has no feelings for me, and it's better for her to be alone. I was due to fly over in 2 weeks' time, to spend my birthday and to finally get to see and hold her, but out of nowhere I'm single now. I tried talking to her on the phone, but it was no use, we kept going in circles - me saying how much I love her and how much I refuse to believe she no longer has feelings for me; her saying it's true and nothing I do can fix that. She just kept apologizing and asking me to move on. I also asked if she'd met another guy, she said No but she's been thinking of doing that, and it's best that we break up before she betrays me for real. I realized that I just had to see her and talk face to face, so I went online and bought a one-way ticket for next Friday (I can't go before that due to important work events). That's 1 week before my other ticket, so I'll be flying over twice in the next 2 weekends. After she dropped the bombshell, she went unreachable again, presumably to avoid talking to me more. Then I confided in some of my closest friends, their advice were to either hang on and fight for it, or simply move on. Move on One group of friends pointed out that the fact that she said that she no longer has feelings for me is a deal breaker. I should just move on and forget about her. But 3 years of love, it's near impossible for me to go through an hour without thinking of her, let alone a future without. Hang on and fight Another pal mentioned that she is probably going through tremendous amount of stress right now due to work and family, and she's no longer in charge of her feelings. She decided the easy way will be to put the blame on our relationship, thus wanting to end it. What I should do is leave her alone for now and let her clear her head, but constantly be there and show her concern. Hopefully she will wake up one day and realize her feelings have all been wrong, and we should try again. What should I do? Since I'd already bought next Friday's tickets, should I go find her and have showdown talks - either to salvage the relationship or have a clean break? Or should I move on even before that? Apologies for my poor English, and the lengthy post. After the past 48 hours, I really needed somewhere to type it all out.. Thanks in advance for all your time! Ken
Suruhx Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 My ex boyfriend recently has done the exact same thing as me. I understand how you are feeling, but don't let your love for this girl cloud your judgement. I asked my ex five or six times if there was someone else, he kept telling me no. I held onto the hope of getting back together because we were together for 3 years also. Well long story short he was seeing someone almost immediately, if not immediately, after we broke up. I am not saying this is the case with you, but I think you shouldn't let false hope get in the way of rational thinking like I did. I stupidly help on for 2 weeks of NC hoping he would come back and he hasn't. He has someone else. I think the best thing for you to do right now is go NC with her and just focus on yourself. I know that it is said easier than done. Both groups of your friends could be right. I agree with them saying 'she dumped you move on.' Whatever her reasons were, be it stress or something else, she did dump you and you do have to move on. As hard as it is, you just have to get yourself together and trust that if she is meant to be with you, be it days-months-years, she will come back to you. But don't let that little bit of hope hold you back from moving on. As for going to see her a week earlier than planned, I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to see her at all. I would be in NC with her, and if before you are scheduled to go you hear from her and she is apologetic and regrets her choice, I think only then should you consider going. I hope everything works out for you, stay strong and keep busy! 1
Qboro90 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 DO NOT fly there and go see her!!! Ugh sorry but reading your post just gave me chills. I feel for you and understand how heartbroken you are but take it from an outsiders view because you're thinking irrationally and not seeing the truth. She's not going to be able to be "won back" if you fight for her. She no longer has feelings for you. You can't make her love you again, and the only thing you'll do is try and guilt her into taking you back. Do you really want to have to convince your girlfriend to date and love you? The long distance is what killed this and what will prohibit anything changing. You wouldn't be able to move there for another 3 years. I think you were a bit too reliant on this girl and the future of the relationship when you would have been dating 6 years before living in the same area and only seeing one another a dozen or so times a year. That's not a relationship. You might be ok and satisfied with daily face times and phone calls but she got to a point where she wants someone in person regularly. She's also 97% interested in another guy. You asked her if there was someone else. She tells you no but that's another reason you need to break up because she doesn't want to hurt you and do something disrespectful to you. Hence that means she's interested in someone else, seeing someone else, or wants someone else and she doesn't want to just tell you "ok well start together" then once you fly home, she basically starts seeing another guy and sleeping with him thereby cheating on you. It's gonna hurt, and it sucks but it's over man. Sorry. The distance should've been a problem for you too tbh. You need to expect and require more out of a relationship. Being ok doing long distance for 6 years is something the majority of people wouldn't be able to do. Don't fault your gf for being in that majority. Don't fault her for falling out of love. It's not easy to keep the spark alive when it's through a phone or webcam. Wish her well. And go No Contact. The only way you'd ever have a chance to get her back is for her to figure it out on her own. Nothing you do or say is going to make her come to that realization. You're only making yourself look obsessive and weak by flying to see her, unannounced, when she's not returning your calls to begin with. She doesn't wanna see you. If you go there I guarantee it will not go well and she will not be happy about it. 1
greenleaves54 Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 It's very likely there's another guy in the picture, even if she says there isn't. The best thing you can do now is to go NC. You should not visit her. She's not interested in any discussion or clarification. You making contact or even visiting her will only push her away more. She made her choice to ditch a great guy like you. Her loss. By going NC you will leave with dignity. I know it's hard right now and everything feels hopeless. But it does get better! There is no way you can change her feelings right now. The only thing you can do is to disappear from her life. If you stay in contact it will not only prolong your healing but also lessen her respect of you. Us humans want what we cannot get. She couldn't get that other guy because her stable boyfriend (you) was in the way. Show her you're moving on and aren't looking back. If she one day makes contact - fine, take it from there. If she never does - fine, then you two weren't meant to be together. Focus on yourself and hang out with other people! Good luck! And another tip: remove her from any social medias. You don't want ANY updates on her life. It will hurt and prolong your healing. Trust me. 2
boltam Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Almost nothing that you wrote in your post matters. The only thing that matters is she wants out. There is nothing to fight for, you can't force her to change her feelings. All you can do is respect her wishes and leave her alone. Perhaps she'll have a change of mind once you're no longer in the picture, perhaps not, but there's nothing you can do besides accept that at this time she's not interested in continuing the relationship. Edited to add: Do not fly and see her, buying the tickets was a mistake. See if you can get some sort of credit, if not, accept your financial losses. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 I rarely jump to the conclusion that it's another guy but that was my first thought on reading your post. Sorry. FWIW, I had an LDR BF buy plane tickets to come to me after we broke up. All it did was make me feel bad that he wasted the money. I consoled myself with the idea that he got to see his family while he was home & they offered him some comfort while he was hurting. If you can get a refund do it.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Definitely do not fly out and see her. I can't see that going well at all. I know you are willing to do whatever it takes, but she has made it clear she doesn't want that. Showing up uninvited is very unwise. I have to echo a couple other posters here; I think there's another guy who's caught her attention. Her saying she wants to break up before she betrays you is very telling. She knows there's a distinct possibility something is going to happen with another man. I know you're hurt badly right now. But I can almost guarantee that going to see her is going to make it much, much worse for you.
LoveIsMyReligion Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Be together in 3 years? Boy are you dragging your feet. Life is short, I could never imagine putting my life on hold for that long. Sorry to say but there is most likely another person in the picture and there isn't anything you can do to change her mind at this point. Flying to see her or contacting her in any way shape or form will only reinforce her decision because it shows how much more you need her than she you. These are the facts man, and I know it sucks but I think the best thing you can do is take a step back, breathe, and reevaluate things and what your plan is now.
Author kentt Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) Dear all, I thank everyone for your kind advice and frank opinions, it's only day 4 since our breakup and I'm still refusing to believe it has happened. I've truly never loved anyone more than her in my entire life, and I will probably never stop doing so. Asking myself to move on right now is impossible. I've change next Friday's tickets to Bali instead, thought of spending some Me time alone at the beach instead of going to heartbreak land. I'll probably go NC for the next 2 weeks, and when my scheduled trip comes I'll take it as a trip to visit my other friends there. This is going to be the worst period of my life, I find tears flowing down for no apparent reason last night, even while watching football, and I constantly look at our collection of photos from the past 3 years, still refusing to believe the reality. Thanks for the straight comments, I really needed that. Hopefully I can move on after this period of mourning. I've always been a very confident person, I hope I can stand up again. Cheers Ken Edited October 25, 2015 by kentt
Suruhx Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Don't worry, buddy! I know it's hard now but I thought I was never going to make it out of my slump. It's been, almost, one month since my break up and one week NC after a few failed attempts. Believe me, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It is normal to grieve for the loss of your relationship, but you have to remember that YOU are the only thing that matters now. Not you, and not your relationship. You will be ok, I guarantee you that. Stay strong!
greenleaves54 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Dear all, I thank everyone for your kind advice and frank opinions, it's only day 4 since our breakup and I'm still refusing to believe it has happened. I've truly never loved anyone more than her in my entire life, and I will probably never stop doing so. Asking myself to move on right now is impossible. I've change next Friday's tickets to Bali instead, thought of spending some Me time alone at the beach instead of going to heartbreak land. I'll probably go NC for the next 2 weeks, and when my scheduled trip comes I'll take it as a trip to visit my other friends there. This is going to be the worst period of my life, I find tears flowing down for no apparent reason last night, even while watching football, and I constantly look at our collection of photos from the past 3 years, still refusing to believe the reality. Thanks for the straight comments, I really needed that. Hopefully I can move on after this period of mourning. I've always been a very confident person, I hope I can stand up again. Cheers Ken Well done! You will feel sad and cry occasionally for a time now, and that's completely normal. This is a phase we all go through. The thing you should avoid however, which many fail to do, is contacting her during this phase. You're not thinking rationally right now and any contact will be to your disadvantage. The most confusing thing for many dumpees is how sudden the break-up happens. My ex told me she loved me and that she was so thankful for having me just a week before she got completely cold, broke up and seemed to have forgotten about all the things we shared. Weirdly, this seems to be how the human brain works. I think something new caught their attention and they can't resist the urge of exploring it. Perhaps they'll realize what they lost when we shut them out of our lives, or perhaps they realize they are better off with someone else. Either way, no contact and never looking back is our best bet to find happiness in life. I strongly advise against looking at any photos or stuff that reminds you of her. I have a box with letters and photos which I'm not planning to look at for at least a year, because I know it will set me back greatly. Accept that you will never understand exactly why she broke up. Don't contact her and ask her about this. I know it will be tempting! When going through a storm, all we can do is pick ourselves up and take one step at a time, no matter how harsh the rain or wind is! Have a great time in Bali!
Luke22 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 I'm sorry Kentt, this is a terribly painful time for you. Remember, myself and many posters here have experienced the same pain and things get better in time. My initial reaction was just like yours. Tears, disbelief, terrible grief...it was awful. It takes time until your mind is able to grasp onto what happened. At some point, you'll be able to apply reason and start moving forward. It'll happen slowly but eventually you will heal. You have already started the process whether you realize it or not. You replanned your trips and turned something ugly into something for yourself. Good for you. You have to take care of yourself. When you are able to leave the "what ifs" and "what did I do" behind, it will feel incredibly liberating. Let yourself feel whatever comes up. Cry. Eat. Sleep. When the week is up and you are on your way to Bali, start to refocus and ask yourself "how do I heal and how do I start to move forward". Then, apply those answers and work hard. Keep us posted.
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