Is it best to avoid dating while you are healing from a difficult past?

[Odinani]

I had an upbringing full of severe abuse and neglect, including NPD mother and completely absent father. I went on to have abusive romantic relationships and the general pattern was I'd date men who treated me like a trophy, did not care about me at all beyond finding me sexually attractive and psychologically abused me.

 

I've done a ton of work on healing myself over the years. As well as seeing a psychologist etc I worked on removing toxic relationships as well. There's always more work to be done though and I still have issues that I am actively trying to resolve.

 

One big issue is that I feel insecurity around whether anyone really cares for me/loves me or not. As a child it was fair to say nobody did actually care for me or love me. Unfortunately I'm finding it very difficult to stop assuming that even those I have in my life now truly care about me.

 

In my current dating life this translates into a situation where nothing positive that the guy I'm seeing says really seems to sink in with me. A few days ago I jokingly asked him if he was looking forward to seeing me. His reply was: "Are you joking?! I am dying to see you!"

 

My immediate thought was 'he is probably lying. He doesn't really like me.'

 

I am wondering whether it would make more sense to stop dating at all while I try to figure out how to heal this issue I have. My best friend encouraged me to continue dating this guy though as she thinks actively being in a positive relationship could be healing and revealing in itself.

 

What do you think?

[mystikmind2005]

Well it definitely can be a benefit to be in a relationship, but you have to downgrade the importance of a relationship because you should no be relying on a partner to make you happy, you need to find happiness within yourself.

 

There might not be too many men who know how to really help a woman with the hurts you carry, but there are plenty of men who know how to be gently supportive, giving you space to get on with the healing you need to do.

[Odinani]

Well it definitely can be a benefit to be in a relationship, but you have to downgrade the importance of a relationship because you should no be relying on a partner to make you happy, you need to find happiness within yourself.

 

There might not be too many men who know how to really help a woman with the hurts you carry, but there are plenty of men who know how to be gently supportive, giving you space to get on with the healing you need to do.

 

I'm not a person who needs a relationship to feel happy. I spent two years voluntarily single recently while I worked on self healing.

[chapter44]

It sounds like you have had a difficult past which has affected your self worth. You have done a lot of work and now is the time to put that into practice. The man you are dating seems to be treating you well and is reflecting the work you have done on yourself. Old habits are hard to break especially when those old recordings in our head start to resurface.

 

 

Continue to work on yourself while dating the current guy. Take him at his word and let that sink in. Remember that your past doesn't have to be your future.

 

 

Best wishes.

[katiegrl]

I had an upbringing full of severe abuse and neglect, including NPD mother and completely absent father. I went on to have abusive romantic relationships and the general pattern was I'd date men who treated me like a trophy, did not care about me at all beyond finding me sexually attractive and psychologically abused me.

 

I've done a ton of work on healing myself over the years. As well as seeing a psychologist etc I worked on removing toxic relationships as well. There's always more work to be done though and I still have issues that I am actively trying to resolve.

 

One big issue is that I feel insecurity around whether anyone really cares for me/loves me or not. As a child it was fair to say nobody did actually care for me or love me. Unfortunately I'm finding it very difficult to stop assuming that even those I have in my life now truly care about me.

 

In my current dating life this translates into a situation where nothing positive that the guy I'm seeing says really seems to sink in with me. A few days ago I jokingly asked him if he was looking forward to seeing me. His reply was: "Are you joking?! I am dying to see you!"

 

My immediate thought was 'he is probably lying. He doesn't really like me.'

 

I am wondering whether it would make more sense to stop dating at all while I try to figure out how to heal this issue I have. My best friend encouraged me to continue dating this guy though as she thinks actively being in a positive relationship could be healing and revealing in itself.

 

 

Your last paragraph.... yes I think you should stop dating, and continue working on your issues.

 

Given your last thread, it appears you are falling into the same pattern of getting involved with emotionally abusive men ...

 

Lots more internal work to do.

 

Same for your sis, assuming she was raised the same abusive environment as you...

 

Good luck.