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To the OW's out there... What made you settle for a married man?

MsHopeful0208201689

By MsHopeful0208201689
in General Relationship Discussion

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MsHopeful0208201689 Established Member

MsHopeful0208201689

Posted
Posted

Some people say the mistress has low self-esteem, lonely, desperate, etc.?

 

But what made you settle? I'd like to hear from current OW & former OW's...

 

I want to hear from OW's that were strictly in EA's... Strictly PA's.... Or a mix of both

 

ALSO, what do you think makes married person stray? Insecurity, boredom, etc?

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

Posted
Posted

Okay, I really don't identify as an OW anymore, but here is my take.

 

From age 16-23 I had several relationships with MM. To be honest, I was seduced by my boss at age 16, he was 35. I was very naive. My body was not fully matured yet. I'm pretty sure he was a pedophile. It fascinated him to see me develop. At that age I had very low self esteem. I was attractive enough, but had a very public, scary father. Boys didn't date me. Oh - also, I was horny and I knew he wouldn't be bragging about me in the locker room.

 

That led to a succession of married men. A couple I thought I loved. A couple lied very convincingly about being married. This was the 1980s, there was no Facebook or Google. I was too poor for a private investigator.

 

Then I got married. I went more than 20 years not involved with a married man. Well, you know, other than my husband. Then I divorced. Several years ago, I ran into a married man I had been with previously years ago for a two night stand. We swapped emails and it just exploded. I hadn't had sex in 27 weeks. I hadn't had good sex in several years. Then we became friends. I'd say we still are friends, just we don't see each other.

 

I'd had some bad luck with men. Several boyfriends got me for money. It was a battle to get paid back. I didn't want someone who would borrow money or tell me what to do with my money. I didn't want to answer to anyone, but I wanted regular sex. I was also starting a business and just didn't have the time for courting, dating and any bull*****. The friendship and genuine enjoyment of each other was a great bonus.

 

From my experience, it was the cliche of the wife not wanting to have sex anymore that causes men to stray or the wife is boring in bed. And I totally get it. I've been married and unhappy. My ex husband was selfish in and out of the bedroom. I had zero desire to have sex with him. It does happen.

 

In most instances for me - it did take three people to have an affair.

 

Don't get me wrong - some of the MM were just manipulative dogs.

 

I'm of an age where many good, Christian women wouldn't dare think of putting that in their mouth and doggy style is demeaning to women. 20 years of missionary and no touching of their penis can make a good man break. In some instances their wives were virgins until the wedding night.

 

So, the last one I was with....he never complained about his wife. He made two observations. The Puritan sex ( my words, not his) and he seemed to think she spent too much money. He was a touch cheap, so I took that with a grain of salt. I think if asked he would say he is 99% happy with his wife and lucky. She is a good wife, a good mother a good partner. The only thing missing for him is probably awesome sex. That and...well, again, you know how it is in marriage. Work, kids, housework, home projects. I'm not sure he got a lot of accolades or attention. I learned a long time ago to ask the people you care about, how was their day and to make them talk about their day and themselves. People forget that in relationships.

 

Strictly speaking for me...sad to say, it was an issue of convenience.

AngeliqueC Established Member

AngeliqueC

Posted
Posted (edited)

I didn't "settle". I made a conscious choice.

 

After two disasters called marriages in which husband number one was a cheater who eventually announced he was gay/bi and husband number two was 'involved' with a she-male (the term used at that time), emotionally and physically abusive with me and my children, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and post-divorce, stalked me and anyone I dated while carrying a gun - well, I had just had my fill of marriage and dating. But, I still wanted to be loved and have a man in my life.

 

I 'dated' MM for a full year before it became physical - I had to be absolutely sure he would be a good friend first. He was, and still is, my best, closest and dearest friend. And, he is the love of my life, for over twenty years now.

 

My greatest fear was (and still is) myself. Obviously, I have not been 'good' at picking spouses. I never wanted to endure the pains the ex husbands had inflicted upon me (and my children) ever again. I never wanted to fear what I was coming home to ever again. I never wanted to share a home with a man who truly loathed me ever again. I never wanted to be hit ever again.

 

So far, so good. It's lonely sometimes, but it's better than being dead - which is what I would be if I had stayed married to the second husband.

 

Would I marry MM? At this point, yes. I feel safe with him. I know he loves me. And he treats me with all the tenderness and care I have ever desired.

 

As for what makes him stay yet stray? I think it boils down to money, ego, fear of conflict, a case of roommates with separate lives but commingled assets, and a concern for what other people will say about him/think of him for divorcing. I know they don't have what I would call a real relationship that's marriage material - but everyone has different ideas about what makes a good marriage and what doesn't.

Edited by AngeliqueC
  • Like 2
OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
what made you settle?

 

Because he knocked my socks off. I was full of admiration of him, treasured his company. Silly me to think that would override everything else.

 

what do you think makes married person stray?

 

I've always held to the theory (it's been my experience, and my observation) that straying MM's are very angry with their W's. The straying is a form of lashing out. If they had their druthers they would vastly prefer to keep it in their pants - uh - marriage, between them and their W's... but they perceive that option as impossible to attain, for whatever reason and whomever's fault it is (or isn't).

 

I know there are MMs out there who are serial cheaters/narcissistic, but I've never encountered them. Most of them are just normal garden-variety chaps struggling to cope with their unhappiness in their marriage. They still love their W's, very much. They're loyal, but not faithful.

  • Like 5
cocorico Established Member

cocorico

Posted
Posted
Some people say the mistress has low self-esteem, lonely, desperate, etc.?

 

But what made you settle? I'd like to hear from current OW & former OW's...

 

I want to hear from OW's that were strictly in EA's... Strictly PA's.... Or a mix of both

 

ALSO, what do you think makes married person stray? Insecurity, boredom, etc?

 

I didn't settle.

 

Nor was I lonely, desperate, or suffering low self-esteem. I simply chose.

 

What made him stray - he felt trapped, having agreed to take the W back after a separation which traumatised the kids. She reneged on her promises and he felt unable to subject the kids to the trauma of another separation so soon. But that left him vulnerable.

  • Like 1
nais Established Member

nais

Posted
Posted
Some people say the mistress has low self-esteem, lonely, desperate, etc.?

 

But what made you settle? I'd like to hear from current OW & former OW's...

 

I want to hear from OW's that were strictly in EA's... Strictly PA's.... Or a mix of both

 

ALSO, what do you think makes married person stray? Insecurity, boredom, etc?

 

It is self esteem to some degree. In my situation I understood this was the case. He told me he loved me, so did my ex, so did others. Love is what you do not what you say. I let someone else validate me, and this should not be the case as an OW nor as a MW. You validate you, Love you, then you will not allow something so simple as being second to someone else into your life. The term love yourself is thrown out there and for a time It made no sense to me. Then it hit me, finally. I do not need to seek from others what I cannot attain for myself. I should want my needs met first because I need to be a better me to not worry about what the other person needs of me. If I take care of myself the way I wanted someone else to, then I pretty much guarantee I will not disappoint myself. There are some who will say they do- I did as well to a degree. Deep down I felt if I did this he would love me more, If i looked this way so on so forth. I am happy for the lightning strike, for the chance to get another chance. I hope someone else figures it out for themselves. As far as why they cheat, same reason, lack of love for themselves. You are in a situation that you are not happy with, but instead of LOVING yourself and saying I need to be the person I want to be for me they choose to stay. In their marriage they have determined that their happiness is linked to this person making them happy, what they really are responsible for is to themselves and their own happiness. You seek to better yourself so that someone else does not have to. If your spouse is not doing this then by you seeking outside your marriage this other person has substituted for what you failed to do for yourself. You place someone else in a position to determine your happiness, no one is responsible for you. Be selfish only to find what you need in order to not need anyone else's approval but your own. Divorce is not always an option because you will meet this same issue as you move forward because the answer was within yourself all along. People marry to seek validation- so often if it ends it is because you never loved yourself you loved that someone appeared to fit the ideal of giving you what you failed to give yourself.

my two cents-

  • Like 2
Giggle Established Member

Giggle

Posted
Posted (edited)

We were chatty friends, just enjoyed texting each other and flirted. But he very much lied about his circumstances. I was in the middle of getting divorced and had just been living with him a year in wait of splitting because we needed the tax return to make it financially possible to split. So when somebody says they are done being married, like I had been, and just living together for now cause it's easier, which I just just been doing... I could totally understand that.

 

I didn't intend for him to mean more and more to me, and I was dating others. But having this awesome friend who has been right there with you when you completely melt down and get hysterical from anxiety..and they help talk you down.. Realizing that no, he will never leave sucks, but his leaving wasn't going to have anything to do with me. I get more from him emotionally than I did from my husband. I am glad to have experienced that. But dishonesty has very broken my connection to him.

Edited by Giggle
  • Like 1
OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted
I do not need to seek from others what I cannot attain for myself... You place someone else in a position to determine your happiness, no one is responsible for you... the answer was within yourself all along.

 

Words to live by... in any situation.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

I didn't settle. Why do you assume it is settling? Since we started when we were both married, why did I stray? I was done with the marriage, moving towards divorce and was open to it. Ultimately to cheat was the ultimate and final disrespect I showed/felt towards the marriage and knew it was completely over in my heart and mind.

 

Why did he cheat? His wife had cheated some years prior, he found out a few years later, addressed it but they rugsweeped. He stayed for the kids but was disconnected and was open to the attraction.

 

So the affair started and eventually we both divorced and married each other.

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