Having a Hard Time Getting Over the Loss of a Friendship

[hrm123]

I know I'm definitely not as old as some of the other people on this website from the posts I've read and responded to, but I've recently been going through some hardships in my life. It's rather complicated, but I've been seeking closure, or a sense of relief at least and having used forums in the past for other reasons I know that people out there will read this and most likely help me out or give me some tips or advice of some kind, for which I really appreciate.

 

I am currently 17 years old, going on 18 and recently I've dealt with a seemingly never-ending roller coaster. I'll give you a brief background to the story to make it less complicated for my fellow readers (I am referring to a platonic friendship with both a guy and a girl in this!):

 

About 5 and a half years ago I met someone I didn't expect to become close friends with. He was this kid in my class that I had known for over a year after starting at a new school, but I never talked to him because he hung around the more "popular" crowd, I should say. This was middle school, so this clearly sounds rather childish, haha. In seventh grade I was dared by my one friend to go up and say hi (don't know why that seemed like such a big deal at the time), but I did and I'm pretty sure I gave the weirdest first impression, but from that day forward we became super close. I'm pretty sure after that day I first said 'Hi' we had the homeroom teacher move our desks together. We would carry on in class, he would always write on me with pen and horseplay. The teacher saw it as something cute and even when our homeroom had an assigned desk switching day she let us stay next to one another, we were inseparable. Unsurprisingly, I developed a crush on him. And of course in middle school a crush is a big deal, looking back obviously it appears as though a crush is just one big joke, incredibly childish to say the least. I took his horseplay and jokes with me as signs of mutual feelings, and I always became so incredibly happy that he gave me this attention and it was all I ever wanted. Going into 8th grade year, everything was the same. I still liked him, we were talking every single day, texting when we didn't have school. We sat next to each other in homeroom and never changed our seats. Everything. In eighth grade that was around the time we started to hang out on the weekends and go and do other things, such as go to amusement parks and what have you. To say the least, we had everything in common. From our music taste, to our favorite color, movie, tv show, and YouTuber. Everything we did we told one another, and we essentially grew up together even though I had met him later on in my tween years. The crush still remained and it wasn't until the end of my eighth grade year when I had admitted to him that I liked him, and as expected he told me he had liked me for the past two years as well, but he didn't want to act on it because he didn't want to lose our amazing friendship. I agreed (even though I would've loved to of "gone out with him") and let it go, I'd rather have him in my life than push him away.

 

Entering high school, we ended up going our separate ways as we were going to private single-gendered high schools. I obviously went to an all-girls school and vice versa. We were still the same distance from one another's house, so nothing changed. We went to see each other every weekend, went bowling and texted every single day (we started a streak, we had texted every single day for about one and a half years), and then it progressed into emailing because my school provides computers to use during class. So I was not only texting him after school everyday, I was emailing him during class. We had made a pact before middle school graduation that we would go to one another's high school dances and that we wouldn't ever let anything come in between us, we were going to be "best friends for a lifetime" as we liked to say it. I took him to one of my dances freshman year and he took me to his, and even though I agreed to be friends nothing was going to hold me back from secretly loving the attention of being considered his date for the evening. Fast forward into sophomore year, the same thing, nothing had really changed. I had 2 dances that year, took him to both as promised and he took me, once again, to his. This year I also brought up to him again that I still happened to have a crush on him, not knowing whether he still realized it, and he said the same thing. That he still liked me in the same sense but wanted to just stay friends, I respected that and never asked or mentioned it again. Both of our parents allowed us to start hanging out more and more and even let us have tons of sleepovers. He'd always come over and crash in my basement or I'd go over to his house, it wasn't that big of a deal because they knew that we weren't going to be doing anything we weren't supposed to (sexually).

 

Junior year was a little different, he had gotten his license and was able to come over more often as well as pick me up and take me places. We didn't have to depend on either of our parents to take us to meet up. We were becoming more independent as expected.

 

My junior year I also grew close with this one girl who I had known familiarly since sophomore year, just never took the chance to talk to her. She was hilarious and she was just like me in every sense. She soon knew everything about me, from my funny stories from middle school to my crush on my friend. Considering he was one of my closest guy friends, I had to get used to being close with a girl, it was something different. I barely ever went out to the mall because that's clearly not something he was into. Me and her started to hang out every weekend and she went to my school as well, so when I brought him to my dances she met him. After a few awkward encounters she had had with him I decided it'd be an amazing idea if I could have us three start hanging out, it'd be the greatest thing to have my two best friends hang out with me at the same time, we'd all share our interests and have the best time of our lives. It was in the middle of my Junior year when I started inviting the two of them over my house to spend the night. I went to my school's sport games with them and we'd always go on little nighttime hang outs. We'd get drunk together, high together, we'd do all kinds of crazy things that only made me love them even more. I was so happy that I was able to share such "cliche" high school experiences with two people I adored more than anything, they made me incredibly happy.

 

It was around my birthday, the end of my Junior year of high school, that I had invited the two of them down the beach with me, just us, no adults. I was stoked. The three of us made a group chat and we planned the entire weekend through it, going out and buying food and supplies that we needed, making a playlist of the music to listen to on the way down. Everything. I couldn't have been happier with everything. It was about a week before school let out and me and her had started to grow suddenly irritated with one another. We hadn't hung out in a couple of weekends, and we were sitting in school with nothing to say to one another. I was like this towards most people considering I was over school and wanted to just get out of there and jump start my summer, so I passed it off as that and truthfully I don't believe it was anything more than that anyways. I noticed that while I was at work and unable to text, the two of them would text one another on the group chat. They weren't talking about the trip, they were just having a normal conversation and eventually swapped numbers, which I initially was fine with. It kept going on and it was nearing my birthday weekend we were going down the beach. We happened to get out of school 2 days before the weekend so we had a couple of free days, and that's when I got the first snapchat.

 

I was sitting at home, alone, when I received a snapchat of the two of them hanging out. Now, I know you're going to think I'm overreacting, but just hear my entire story out. Before the three of us ever started to hang out, I would always talk to her about my past with him and tell her about certain obstacles I've encountered along the way that sort of upset me, never anything major, just some things that upset me considering I had a crush on him. Such as, seeing him hang out with other girls or not respond to my texts from days on end. It seems dramatic, but I have this internal fear that if I'm not someone's number one friend, or not treated as important/vital, then I'm not someone they want to be around anymore. I get worried incredibly quick, and I always assume they're going to cut the friendship off. I never let him know this because most of the worries stemmed off of my jealous crushing self, and I knew he wanted to remain just friends, so I kept it to myself for him. That all being said, she would always respond to my rants about certain things as, "Oh, he's being rude. You should really cut him off, I don't know why you still hang around someone that makes you feel like that." So when I told the two of them to hang out with me, it was more like a test run. I wanted to see how well they'd act around one another considering she always talked about him in such negative ways.

 

So when I got the snapchat, I immediately felt worried. 'Oh my god, he's going to end up liking her more than me, I'm going to be replaced.' This was all internalized, I kept it bottled up, only telling my mom. Clearly I was overreacting, I can't control who he hangs out with, he's not in the wrong. I let it go. I briefly texted her before the beach trip, telling her that I didn't like seeing her hang out with him, only because she knows how much I like him and that it makes me feel incredibly jealous. And I feel as though (as well as my other girl friends, who agree with me) as a best girl friend, you should, in a sense, abide by girl code. If your friend has liked someone for five+ years, don't hang out with them alone, nonetheless snapchat the person that likes him to basically rub it in their face. I was upset, yet she insisted she understood and wasn't going to hurt me any further. I went on the trip with them only to be ignored on my birthday weekend, the two of them connected at the hip. I rode on rides by myself while they sat next to each other in front of me, when we went out to dinner for my birthday they didn't celebrate it with enthusiasm, they were more concerned with keeping their Snapchat streak up. I basically sat in silence and paid my way for my birthday dinner (I didn't have a problem paying for my dinner- but they promised they'd pay my way from the start). I was upset, I came to have a good time and instead I felt like I was getting my best friend(s) stripped away from me right before my eyes. We got back from the beach and me and her only talked on other time after that, really. I got back and within the course of 3 weeks I had not only received several snaps of them hanging out several times, but seen snapchat stories from both of them as well as one of my other girl friends who hung out with them as well. I was never invited, nothing. Like I said, I pushed it off because I initially thought I was overreacting due to my crush on him. I didn't want to be controlling because I had no reason to be, he's allowed to live his life. It was the end of the month when I got a snapchat from him and her back down the beach, they were drunk and they were at his beach house (which over the course of five years, he for whatever reason refused to bring me down to stay in). I messaged him the next day and basically said that I felt not only left out, but I felt upset because I did everything to bring everyone together, I was the reason he was having the time of his life with her now, why was I suddenly pushed to the side like that? He responded, basically saying he didn't know I felt that way, that he was just "super busy", and that he would bend over backwards to do anything, that my feelings were valid and that he was sorry. So I forgave him and come the next month I invited him to go to an amusement park with me and one of my friends. We went and the only exciting part about it was when we got high in the parking lot beforehand and then went on some roller coasters. After the high wore off we were all quiet, with the occasional small talk. We drove back home and I invited him to stay to spend the night, like old times, and he did. I turned on a movie and instead of being his normal self where he would willingly stay up and watch funny movies with me, he yelled at me to be quiet and stop annoying him. I turned the TV off, respecting his wishes, not wanting to annoy him. A week later I had invited him to go to the mountains with me and a couple of friends, and a few days before we planned he told us he couldn't, and HE WAS OUR RIDE. The entire trip was cancelled and I was upset.

 

I continued getting snapchats from the two of them and addressed them, I blocked her and texted her saying how I felt again, saying it made me jealous, that I felt like she was doing that to rub it in my face considering all she ever talked about wanting was a guy friend. And I haven't really talked to her since (I have to unfortunately see her in school- I act civil, I don't make anything uncomfortable). I addressed it to him as well, and he said he understood. But a few weeks went by and I hadn't gotten a single text from him, not an invite out anywhere which usually happened nonstop my first 4 years of our friendship. It was the first week of August and me and him were going to a concert together (we had bought the tickets over a year beforehand, so we didn't want to not go or lose our chance to see the band). We went, along with my two girl friends and he was quiet the entire time. Pretty stern. I stayed with my two friends and let him do his thing and by the time we got into the arena he was back to his normal self. He told me he was hungover and I nodded and just said I understood and when the band came out we were back to normal. He was hugging me and we were singing to one another and I was absolutely in love. He looked amazing and despite my ongoing crush I was so lucky in that moment to call him my friend. The ride home was funny, he stopped to get us all late night McDonalds and we ran into traffic jams and ended up home late. When he dropped me off and refused to spend the night I was a bit curious.

 

A week had passed, me and him lost our 100 day snapchat streak, our messages went to the bottom of my message app because we hadn't talked since the night of the concert on it. Considering I had paid for his ticket for the concert, I texted him a week later asking him when he was going to stop by and pay me. He responded, basically in a mocking manner and told me he was going to pay me my money, "$111.99 dollars, and a penny for my thoughts." I was incredibly angry, I texted him back and told him all I wanted was my money and that if he never wanted to talk to me again that was fine, cause clearly he didn't care about me at this point after all I seeed to do for him. He tried to justify his text and said he didn't mean to send it, and "that's not what he meant". I was skimming through twitter when I saw "she" had tweeted the same exact thing he texted me about the penny for my thoughts. I was angry just knowing he was mocking me to HER. He was talking about me like this with her, someone he knows I cut off communication with. If I don't talk to her, why does my name need to be brought up with her? Exactly. So I referred him to the tweet and we had a large feud, basically what I said was that I felt as though for the past few months I've been bending over backwards, trying to hang out with him and find time to be with him but he wasn't reciprocating that. All I had wanted was my money at this point because if he wasn't willing to hang with me all summer, he clearly wasn't going to want to change. We established a date we'd meet to get the money.

 

It was a week and a half later and my mom had to text him to tell him to drop the money off because he wouldn't respond to my text messages. I was so upset and hurt, I continued seeing snapchat stories of the two of them hanging out on his story, and I wanted to wait until I saw him one last time before blocking him. So he finally stopped by with my money and I kindly asked him if we could talk. He just nodded and we walked in and sat down on my living room couch. I'm not one for confrontation, it makes me uncomfortable and it makes me just want to curl up and die. So, he knew damn well that by me initiating a face to face conversation said a lot about how I felt on the matter. Without crying, I managed to tell him that I felt like I was putting him as my #1 no matter what, willing to bend over backwards for him, willing to do anything it took to make him happy, and that I felt like he suddenly pushed me down to his #10, making me his last resort out of the blue. I brought up how ever since the two of them started hanging out I've been left out, how I was the reason they were friends in the first place, and that you can't suddenly drop the person that helped you meet someone for no reason at all. He was quiet the entire time, and I was on the verge of tears. I told him how I wanted to make it work, the last thing I wanted was him to leave my life for good, that I was so hurt by everything. He looked at me sternly, it was probably the scariest and most genuine look I've ever seen him give me. He said, "Do you want to know the real reason why I'm angry?" And I just nodded, unsure as to why he was angry when I was the person being pushed to the side, but I let him talk. He said that he didn't know what it was, whether it was my personality or whether it's just the way I am as a person. But that he never had any fun with me. He said, "Hanging out with her has been the most fun I've ever had, and I've never had that with you." There was so much more I had wanted to ask..But the second I heard him say that and look into my eyes I felt my heart break. My stomach dropped and I just bit my lip and nodded, and before I knew it he had angrily fast-walked to my front door, slamming it shut.

 

I haven't talked to him since. I've seen pictures and I hear all about him when she's around me at school. I hear about how much fun they have. And it's been about 2 and a half months now since the ordeal. I can't help but feel immense jealousy (it's strange- because I clearly don't want him back in my life because of how he treated me when we last talked, I think I'm more jealous of the fact that she's hanging with a "friend" that I had spent, or wasted, 5 years of my life with), anger, sadness, loneliness. I saw several tweets from both of them referring to me after that incident, the entire ordeal hadn't really died down from discussion on social media until about a month and a half later, and I even had to address her about it, saying how it was immature and how she needed to stop, that I was trying my hardest to get over it and she wasn't helping.

 

I feel caught up on it, I've spent several nights, even recently, crying myself to sleep or crying in the shower because I'm upset at the fact that I lost the person I used to be best friends with, I'll never experience his old self again. He clearly changed, his view point and perspective of me had changed, because if it hadn't then he would've ended the friendship a while ago while he could. I just can't seem to get over it and it still breaks my heart knowing people can be so cruel to just be so quick to throw away someone that obviously did everything in their power to make them happy at all times. I could never do that to a person, and I'm still confused about the entire thing because I don't understand why he's angry in the first place. What did I do to make him angry. Clearly he didn't want to be my friend anymore, so me choosing to not talk to him was more like a favor to him, he should be grateful in a sense.

 

I think it upsets me the most because I'm the only one that didn't benefit. I'm the only one left friendless, lonely, sad..The two of them got what they wanted, each other as best friends. They get to have fun on the weekends and get to live it up and rub it in my face, and watch me be upset. I lost, a) a girl I thought I could finally rely on, and b) my best friend, my #1, and huge crush of 5 and a half years.

 

Now I'm left upset and lonesome, spending my weekends with either my mom or myself. I know I'll be going into college soon, but in the present-time, I can't find any happiness and I feel alone. I'm watching everyone around me having fun and enjoying Senior year things with their best friends, and even though I now have a different girl friend of mine I've known since sophomore year that I'm close with again, I have someone, but I barely hang out with her except at school. I just don't know how to get out of the rut, and I still find myself crying. I feel stuck, and now that it's been 2 and a half months, people are sick and tired of hearing about how upset I am, but keeping it to myself only makes it worse. If someone managed to read this entire thing, just know it means the world to me. Writing it down actually helped in a sense even though I know I'll still struggle, but I hope someone reads this and gives me something to take from this experience and hopefully use as a tool to grow and move on completely from this hardship.

 

Thank you, love you all

[whichwayisup]

He's an a-hole and a jerk. He was unnecessarily rude to you. He could have been kinder and gentler seeing as you two were friends for a long time. With that said, there's obviously some feelings there - You fell for him and got attached. He didn't. So it seems. Let him go. This is HIS loss, not yours. He handled this badly and didn't have to storm out. He was ready to let go and move on which is why he left like he did.

 

As for your other friend, she was a buddy and not a true gf.

 

It hurts to lose someone you deeply cared about. Hugs to you....

 

Let yourself grieve the loss. Don't be hard on yourself either. The friendship came to an end and as painful as it is, you will feel better as time goes on and you will heal well.

[agitatedorange]

I read every single word. I get it. I would feel very much like you for all of the same reasons except that you have the maturity to identify your feelings and were more careful not to "overreact" sooner (and I do NOT think you overreacted at all). You handled this better than I probably could have, and, yes, you are much younger than I am. I admire you for that.

 

Where you said "It seems dramatic, but I have this internal fear that if I'm not someone's number one friend, or not treated as important/vital, then I'm not someone they want to be around anymore. I get worried incredibly quick, and I always assume they're going to cut the friendship off," I have this, too. I get this. Over the years, it's become a little less important to be the BEST friend, but I still feel it.

 

I also try to give 110% to my friendships but realize that if I expect the same in return, I'll be hurt. From what you described, it sounds like you also try hard to maintain friendships, give the benefit of the doubt, forgive, etc. Once in awhile, hopefully, friends come along who deserve that kind of commitment to the friendship.

 

All of that was just me thinking out loud about how much I can relate and just feeling less alone reading it, so maybe you'll feel some comfort knowing someone gets it.

 

About losing a friendship, I wrote about mine a month or so ago on here. I was devastated. In my case, he just stopped all contact one day. I can't imagine the salt in the wound that you've dealt with on top of that. All I can say, and I mean it warmly even if the words sound cold, is that life really and truly does go on. Right now, it's fresh, and it matters a lot because how can it not? Even just a few months out from the blow I took losing a friendship, I'm doing better. I'm throwing myself into all of the good things that I do have in my life, shifting my focus away from it (without running from the feelings but more letting them come and go without running way with them) and getting stronger. I can't say when or how long it will take, but you WILL get over this, and you WILL be stronger for it if you can use all of that hurt into what you want to see happen in your own life for yourself.

 

If you are like me, you'll have a ton more friendships come and go over the years. Some will stay, some will fade, and maybe someone else will act this way. And it will hurt. Again. But you'll still be OK if you can just hold on believing that until you are.

 

This guy? Just as the other comment says, he handled it horribly. He's the jerk, you're not. It's hard enough if he wanted to move on, but it's a shame he chose to do it in such a hurtful way. Your feelings sound completely normal and a lot like I expect I would feel. Be gentle with yourself when it hurts, and then keep going and focusing on whatever good things and people you have in your life.

[hrm123]

I've been surprisingly feeling better since I posted this and it got its first reply, I'm still not over it, which isn't surprising, but I've lost the sense of sadness over the course of the past week and a half, I'm pretty much only left with the anger and loneliness caused by the aftermath. I will say that these responses to my post have made me feel not only alone, but more relieved. It's funny how your friends and mother can tell you time and time again that you'll get over it eventually and that you won't always feel like this and how that doesn't help you any, but the moment two strangers online tell you the same thing you feel instantly a little better. So I thank you both! I must say, I'm not your average affectionate type at all, but despite everything that's happened I still feel immense love deep down for him, and I still only want the best for him. And I thank you for telling me I'm being mature about the manner, considering countless people have told me I didn't handle the situation well. It's nice knowing that someone finally sees it how I do. Even though it may not seem like it since I can't express it through here exactly, you both have helped me a lot! Much love