Learning to "Train" your thoughts

[Liono84]

I wanted to share something I've come across the past few weeks which has helped me make progress in moving on from my breakup and it has to deal with controlling your thoughts. A lot of the times we see people who move on much faster than others when both have been dumped, even when both relationships with their significant other had the same tenure in length. It's something that's always interested me. How is it that one person moved on from being dumped so much faster than the other person?? Most of the stuff we read pertaining to the why, talks about person A, moving on faster than person B, because person A was more involved with self-improvement. We hear/read that person A was actively engaged in their professional life, embarked on new hobbies, reconnected with their social circle of friends and family, accepted their loss, met new people etc., etc..

 

 

This is all very true and important. However, what doesn't get mentioned nearly enough, is how person A learned to "train" their thoughts. Whether it was conscious or not, the fact is they did in fact achieve this. As with any breakup, one needs a period of time where they grieve and let their pain out. This is perfectly normal, and doing anything otherwise in the immediate aftermath of a breakup will prolong the healing because we must deal with the pain head-on. But, after the initial pain subdues and goes away, besides embarking on your self-improvement, another critical aspect is learning how to control your thoughts. I really think we have to be very conscious about our thoughts. If we're not conscious about our thoughts about our ex's in how often we think about them, how long we think about them, then we may fall into a deep hole that we get addicted to. The only way success is achieved is by having a measuring stick. It is very difficult to measure success without a measuring stick Whether it's in sports (Win and losses) or wealth (how much you made vs. how much you spent) we all need to have a guide, a measuring stick. So, in essence, we must also try to be very aware of how frequent and how long we think about our ex's. Once we do that, we can then start to judge ourselves. I started doing this not too long ago, and I came to the conclusion that I was spending too much time thinking about her. After I realised this, my next step became learning to divert my thoughts. So, every time I caught myself spending more than a minute thinking about her, I quickly consciously decided to put my thoughts onto something else. After doing this for about 2 weeks, I feel that I am making progress. You see, the thing is, your mind is very powerful and if you continuously allow it to dwell about the past, it gets into a vicious cycle of doing it. Just how you can train your body to get stronger by weight lifting, you can also learn to train you mind. It's not easy, but it's do able, and once we learn how to do this, you'll see that after awhile it gets easier and easier.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Liono84

[Gretzky99]

Interesting take... I'll try and see if I can apply this to me situation.

[greenleaves54]

It's a good point. But as you say every phase needs to take its time.

 

I'm 1,5 months past break-up. I find myself thinking about her a lot, of course. Probably a few hours every day... But I feel like I'm taking big steps of healing every day. I don't think of her in the same was as I did during the first weeks after BU. I now know I will live a wonderfully happy life in the future, with or without her.

 

The next step for me is probably to stop browsing Loveshack so much, and try to divert my mind when thoughts of her comes up, as you suggested. I'm not sure I'm quite ready, I don't want to rush through the healing. But I will try it out. There's really nothing about the relationship that my mind can analyze any further anyway

 

I was also planning on trying out meditation. I don't have any experience of it, so if anyone has any links or videos or something, feel free to share them

[Luke22]

Liono84 I agree. I haven't really thought about it that way, but it's true, at least for me.

 

I'm in week 5 post breakup. The first week was horrid as I had no control over my emotions. All I could do was go to work (minimally productive at best) and stay in bed. Couldn't eat. Could barely function. Only bathing for work.

 

Week two and three were very hard. The majority of those weeks I had very little control over my thoughts. As time progressed, I was better at communicating and taking care of my basic needs.

 

Right around week four I started to become annoyed when thoughts of her/ the relationship would pop in my head. Each time memories would enter my thoughts, I'd immediately become annoyed and make jokes to others (or to myself) that I was giving up important "brain space" rent free. Although it started as a joke, I was becoming aware of how much time I was spending on rumination. So, when I noticed these thoughts, I'd busy myself...with anything. The thoughts would eventually go away much faster than if I had just let them linger and dissipate on their own.

 

I'm in week five. As soon as thoughts of her or memories of "us" pop up, I jokingly tell myself to stop letting her occupy my thoughts rent free. It's works. The amount of time I spend thinking of her has decreased. No more obsessing.

 

Lastly, letting go of anger, resentment and blame has been freeing. That was wasted time in my recovery. I have a long way to go, but I am so thankful that the first three weeks are over.

 

Thank you for this insightful post.

[Liono84]

It's a good point. But as you say every phase needs to take its time.

 

I'm 1,5 months past break-up. I find myself thinking about her a lot, of course. Probably a few hours every day... But I feel like I'm taking big steps of healing every day. I don't think of her in the same was as I did during the first weeks after BU. I now know I will live a wonderfully happy life in the future, with or without her.

 

The next step for me is probably to stop browsing Loveshack so much, and try to divert my mind when thoughts of her comes up, as you suggested. I'm not sure I'm quite ready, I don't want to rush through the healing. But I will try it out. There's really nothing about the relationship that my mind can analyze any further anyway

 

I was also planning on trying out meditation. I don't have any experience of it, so if anyone has any links or videos or something, feel free to share them

 

Greenleaves54: You're on the right track. Just the fact that you're self-aware of this, is a positive advantage you have. As previously mentioned, it's only after you have no more emotional ties to you ex when you think about him/her is when you should apply these tips. If you still have any emotional feelings of sadness, anger, depression, denial, then you should still focus on that and get it out of your system. This time varies from person to person, but you will eventually get out of that stage and once you do, it is only then that you should apply the strategy. I would also agree with you that once you are at this stage, the best thing to do is not to spend too much time on these forums, because it is a reminder in some way, shape or form of your ex.

 

Liono84 I agree. I haven't really thought about it that way, but it's true, at least for me.

 

I'm in week 5 post breakup. The first week was horrid as I had no control over my emotions. All I could do was go to work (minimally productive at best) and stay in bed. Couldn't eat. Could barely function. Only bathing for work.

 

Week two and three were very hard. The majority of those weeks I had very little control over my thoughts. As time progressed, I was better at communicating and taking care of my basic needs.

 

Right around week four I started to become annoyed when thoughts of her/ the relationship would pop in my head. Each time memories would enter my thoughts, I'd immediately become annoyed and make jokes to others (or to myself) that I was giving up important "brain space" rent free. Although it started as a joke, I was becoming aware of how much time I was spending on rumination. So, when I noticed these thoughts, I'd busy myself...with anything. The thoughts would eventually go away much faster than if I had just let them linger and dissipate on their own.

 

I'm in week five. As soon as thoughts of her or memories of "us" pop up, I jokingly tell myself to stop letting her occupy my thoughts rent free. It's works. The amount of time I spend thinking of her has decreased. No more obsessing.

 

Lastly, letting go of anger, resentment and blame has been freeing. That was wasted time in my recovery. I have a long way to go, but I am so thankful that the first three weeks are over.

 

Thank you for this insightful post.

 

Luke22: No problem at all. First, let me say that I believe you're being too hard on yourself. 5 weeks is still relatively fresh. I don't necessarily subscribe to the notion that you have wasted time on your recovery. In the beginning, you must deal with the pain head-on. Forcing yourself to do otherwise will only prolong your recovery. Whether that's a month, two months, or longer. Obviously, the quicker the better but it depends. For example, I don't expect someone coming off a 7 year relationship to get over this within 5 weeks. The initial phase of having emotional ties to your thoughts regarding your ex is completely normal. It varies in length from person to person, relationship to relationship. However, eventually, we all get through that stage where we no longer have feelings of sadness, anger, hate, depression, or denial. From my personal experience, this has always been the most painful part, but ironically, it has also always been the quickest part. The trouble usually arises when we get past this stage and find ourselves still constantly always thinking about our ex's. This is exactly when we must learn to "train" our minds because if we don't, our minds get into a vicious habitual cycle of thinking about the past. The mind gets used to devoting energy thinking about our ex's and the past because we have trained it to do so for many weeks, months or in some bad cases, years!

 

My point in posting this thread was to give another angle. Self-improvement is very critical. It is just as critical as learning to train your thoughts, but it is something almost all dumpers know. What doesn't get talked about is how there is another important element which is training our thoughts. Some people are fortunate enough that they naturally achieve this without being aware. However, for some, like me, achieving this coincides with me being very aware with my thoughts because my mind has a tendency to drift, to dwell, to live in nostalgia. I'm not saying that your mind should never even think about your ex, because that's not realistic either. All I'm saying is when you fall into the time of day where your mind is most prone and vulnerable to having thoughts about your ex, usually accompanied when you're idle, you have to learn to divert the thoughts the moment you have them. When you apply this practice and achieve it, you will see how much progress you'll make. It's immense!!! The body is NOT the only thing we can learn to strengthen, my friend!

Edited October 25, 2015 by Liono84