Why Does It Have To Hurt So Bad?

[Lovelorn00]

I do this as well! But I'm getting better at avoiding the conversation. I've also experienced a friendship where we talked about relationships a lot and didn't bond so much over other things. I agree that it's really tough. There's so much pressure to come across as the cool happy and independent chick who's not bothered with her single status. Somehow if you show any sign of sincerely wanting to find a relationship you're sometimes perceived as a desperate no hoper, that there might be something wrong with you. It's not embarrassing to say "Yes I would like a LTR with someone". Yet I've had female acquaintances I'm sure think of me as not the same status as them because I'm sans man. In some circles, a lot of your status, and perception of your looks and potential sexiness is tied up in whether you have a man on your arm. For some people, they've made it and you haven't.

 

Then there's the possibility of your single stories becoming more about entertainment fodder than genuine solidarity between women and wanting to help each other. I was experiencing this. I had an empty feeling from meeting the wrong men and some friends would want to hear was another story of an hilarious date. Meanwhile I'm wishing I was in their position of being engaged or secure in a long term relationship. But I can't compare myself to them because they are living different lives.

 

Sorry a bit of a long reply (I hope I haven't veered off topic) but it's very hard for me to find women companions in real life who can identify with this sort of thing.

 

I can identify completely, and it’s taken a long time for me to get to a place of self-acceptance as it relates to this issue. I’m sure a lot of my married acquaintances do indeed think there’s something wrong with me for not being married or in a LTR by now, but I have to ignore them. I personally think that I’m a spectacular catch who just happens to have the right combination of bad luck and personality quirks that make finding someone decent and worthwhile more difficult. I also think, to them, there might be a bit of jealousy involved. I know that for a fact, because one of my married acquaintances actually admitted that to me. To them, our lives are like an episode of Sex and the City – fabulous, fun, and entertaining. In their heads, we go around hopping from one man to the next, and I think that they may be a bit envious of our freedom to do so. Not all, but some. I’m mostly talking about the ones who find our struggles entertaining. Perhaps they themselves are stuck in a loveless marriage and wish they could explore their options. I don’t know. I just know that I can’t read too much into what they may or may not think of me, because it doesn’t serve me to do so.

[Lovelorn00]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Sadly, there's one item missing from your list that always works eventually.

 

Time.

 

Sometimes you simply have to endure. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's life. It's a false notion that if we're in pain, we can always relieve it. Sometimes pain must simply be lived with, managed and eventually moved past.

 

One technique you might like to try that helped me during painful breakups;

 

John Gray - Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus - Feelings Letter Love Letter

 

1. First you write a Feeling Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.

 

2. Then you write a Response Letter expressing what you want to hear from your loved one.

 

I wrote many of these, to help me process my feelings about the person, the pain of the breakup along with the gratitude and love I felt for having known them.

 

Hang in there.

 

Thanks, neowulf! This is a great idea! I see, however, that you only listed steps 1 and 2. Do you ever share your letters with your loved ones with whom you’re experiencing conflict? What are some of the feelings you experience after completing step 2? Do you get a sense of closure? Do you have any advice on how to cultivate a sense of gratitude and love for someone who has treated you poorly?

[Lovelorn00]

Well people get their information about YOU from YOU. So we all are in the luxurious position to decide what that will be and play a big role in shaping their opinions of us. Because it is cyclical and it will bite you in the ass if in looking for real support you tell a story that is not conducive to the image you want for yourself. It starts to become reality and you start to believe it. You could even be happily dating and telling a funny story about a new date that you don't even care about, just wanting to bond with friends about something funny and show you don't care and have risen above. BUT because based on all the brokenhearted, sad stories you've told before, they can hear the story that you are telling lightheartedly and funny and only hear that it failed!! I've literally been in the room several times with a friend of mine who is THAT girl. Yes most of the time they were fails and sad stories. And in reality as a person who loves to watch behavior and dating stories, I could usually see her problem (why they weren't working out). I will run into mutual friends and she is not even there and that is the subject of conversation--her latest fail!! It's actually a little cruel but she brought it on herself to some extent. But sometimes I saw here trying to tell the story just to be funny and they still treated her like she was pathetic. BTW, as a nice ending she got a new boyfriend about a year ago and they got engaged a couple of months ago. Soooooo anything is possible. I mean it her stories WERE a little pathetic, but I was willing to see all sides of them but most people are too simple and self-involved to really hear what you're saying once they've formed an opinion like that strong.

 

You are more than just who you date. AND importantly, yes if it's a priority that's ok, but just put those things you need to do to date on a to-do list and do them like a routine. Then get passionate about your life--that's what will draw someone to you. Have you ever noticed those girls (i know a few) that actually do things that I think most people would think are kinda dull but they are 1000% into IT!! Like whatever they are doing is best and totally engaged in it, like right where they want to be in life. Whether it's resting, relaxing, baking cookies, playing with their cat, visiting a niece. You did it today when you described your nature walk. More of that. Then you are the adventurous, living girl. You can be one too. Right now. With the life you have--don't need a guy to make you 100%. Stop thinking of yourself as "without". ;-)

 

I have to add that this girl completely had her own life that she was way into--even with her pathetic dating fails. She was way, way into traveling and took exotic vacations by herself, into yoga, beach and her friends. Like truly and completely. Her fails had more to do with going from 0-60 right away and picking some of the wrong guys and asking where they stood right away. There was definite pattern. But she did have her own life. That was helpful.

 

Oh, yes. I get it. I’m very much like the girl you describe. I have my own life and have a ton of things that I enjoy doing either with someone or alone. I went to a kick-a** concert last night by myself and had the best time. I took my sweet time getting ready. I danced, I sang at the top of my lungs, I treated myself to a drink. It was awesome. Tonight, I’m having dinner with friends, and tomorrow, I’m volunteering at the hospital. I’m fully capable of living (and enjoying) my own life, but those aren’t the stories that I relay to my friends, unfortunately. I’m just going to have to make a much more conscious effort to tone down the negative relationship talk, because you’re right – I AM more than who I date.

[Lovelorn00]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You're not alone though. I am going through the very same... I got ghosted by my "boyfriend" who obviously didn't have the same feelings as me.. I have done all of the same things you have.. affirmations, gratitude, meditation, exercise, and then some.

 

I agree with everyone else, it's just going to take some time. It's been about a month for me. I still hurt, but not like I did in the beginning. However, one thing that made a huge difference for me is getting enough sleep. I don't know about you, but I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling for weeks, or I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it and couldn't go back to sleep.

 

Everyday, not only was I heartbroken, but I was exhausted! So I started taking something to help me sleep (just some Tylenol PMs). I can't tell you how much better I felt. Yes, I'm still dealing, but getting a good night's sleep made me feel so much better.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon. You seem like a very nice person and it's obviously his loss. Take care.

 

I agree. Sleep is so important for healing, not only physically, but emotionally. I will admit that I'm not the best at getting a good night's sleep. I stay up too late and get up too early. Perhaps I'll pick up some melatonin to help. Sleep is definitely on my list of things I could be doing to better myself, but I have to admit, it's closer to the bottom.

[Redhead14]

Lovelorn: All the things you've been doing are good, of course, but sometimes people try too hard to distract themselves/keep busy. It's important to give yourself some time to actually feel the feelings you're having.

 

I recommend setting aside a period of time each day, say 15 minutes to half an hour, to just sit and experience your emotions -- cry, reflect, etc. And at the end of that time, force yourself to do something on your list or a couple of things. You're doing alot and that's probably tiring too Make sure you get good rest at night and eat right. Fatigue contributes to depression in a big way.

 

It's going to take some time. Be patient with yourself, grieve properly and, most importantly, focus on yourself and your needs. Do little things for yourself too -- even if it's just a cup of tea or a nice bubble bath, or buy yourself a piece of jewelry, or a new haircut or just get your hair done. Doing some little nice things for yourself helps elevate your mood and helps you realize that you can and should make yourself happy without having someone else around

[Lovelorn00]

Hey LL

 

Been a follower for a while and sorry this didn't work out for you.

 

Curious ...off the top of your head ... what reason (s) comes to mind for why things do not work out? Not just with this guy but in general.

 

 

Also ...if your "goal" is to turn these into LTR ...maybe you're giving off an air of desperation? ...in my experience ... When I've felt the "whatever" attitude is when dating has worked into a LTR. I can't explain the dynamics and my attitude wasn't purposeful ...I just had things going on in my life and didn't care one way or the other if the relationship worked or not. Maybe that led to a guy feeling satisfied that he got his thrill of the hunt experience? I don't know. And guys think we're hard to figure out:) My definition of a man is smart but simple ...I could be wrong.

 

In the end ...it all could come down to ...you just haven't met the guy you're supposed to be with YET ...

 

Hey, StBreton! Thanks for your response! I think you’re right. “Trying too hard” would definitely be #1 on the list of things I may be doing wrong when it comes to dating. That’s why I gave multi-dating a go a few months ago. It really did help to ensure that I wasn’t “putting all of my eggs” into one guy’s basket, but it was only temporary. Eventually, I developed feelings for this one guy, and he bailed. Other things:

 

· Lack of confidence due to anxiety (specifically as it relates to guys I’m starting to form a connection with)

· Too quick to compliment

· Not being assertive enough when it comes to my needs

· Following “the rules” too closely for fear of becoming the “pursuer”

· Letting fear of rejection rule my life

 

Yes, it could be that I just haven’t met HIM yet, but I haven’t yet decided if I believe in that kind of fate. Haha My best friend likes to say the same thing. “It’s going to take a SPECIAL guy to catch and keep you,” she says. She’s right, but I think there’s more than one out there.

[Versacehottie]

I can identify completely, and it’s taken a long time for me to get to a place of self-acceptance as it relates to this issue. I’m sure a lot of my married acquaintances do indeed think there’s something wrong with me for not being married or in a LTR by now, but I have to ignore them. I personally think that I’m a spectacular catch who just happens to have the right combination of bad luck and personality quirks that make finding someone decent and worthwhile more difficult. I also think, to them, there might be a bit of jealousy involved. I know that for a fact, because one of my married acquaintances actually admitted that to me. To them, our lives are like an episode of Sex and the City – fabulous, fun, and entertaining. In their heads, we go around hopping from one man to the next, and I think that they may be a bit envious of our freedom to do so. Not all, but some. I’m mostly talking about the ones who find our struggles entertaining. Perhaps they themselves are stuck in a loveless marriage and wish they could explore their options. I don’t know. I just know that I can’t read too much into what they may or may not think of me, because it doesn’t serve me to do so.

 

Of course, give them more to be envious of--that can be your story. You DO realize that a lot of the smug marrieds just try to make you feel bad about your dating "failures" so they can feel better about their marriage choices, right? Some of which are secretly not so perfect. People do that in all areas of life but it seems to work particularly well in the elusive married/not married zone. Really listen carefully the next time it comes up. A lot of people are not well-meaning at all. They are actually a bit insane with jealousy of your single life. Check that friend's husband. I'm guessing he's one. Or just a bore. It's easier if they categorize your stuff as failures (especially if you are helping them do so!!) so they can feel like their choice is a success. Watch change how you tell your story. "dating around", "concerts" "this dinner, that event", more "this guy, and not sure what I'm gonna do with this one, he's amusing" and watch the reactions. It won't be long before a few confess they are actually envious of you.

[neowulf]

Thanks, neowulf! This is a great idea! I see, however, that you only listed steps 1 and 2. Do you ever share your letters with your loved ones with whom you’re experiencing conflict? What are some of the feelings you experience after completing step 2? Do you get a sense of closure? Do you have any advice on how to cultivate a sense of gratitude and love for someone who has treated you poorly?

 

Very perceptive of you. I only shared steps 1 and 2, because through experienced I've learnt something important. Closure doesn't really come from other people. It comes from making piece with the situation within your own mind and heart.

 

The author mentions the technique as a means of conflict resolution, in relationships you're attempting to save, so step three can be very helpful in those cases. For recovery from a breakup? Not so much.

 

As for the feelings I got, at first there was pain, grief. Then, as I wrote more letters, there was moments of sweetness, as I remembered the the good times. Eventually I found myself smiling at the moments of joy and forgiving the mistakes we both made. I found mercy and kindness. I remembered we're all just flawed people, doing the best we can.

 

Eventually I began to accept a simple truth. Everything ends. If we're honest with ourselves, our lives are only a finite period of time. Our love ones eventually pass away, as do we. Nothing really lasts forever. But that doesn't mean life can't be beautiful. That we can't love it while we have it and appreciate it.

 

As for cultivating gratitude, you can focus on what the person has taught you, what the experience has taught you.

 

You have survived it, scarred, but wiser for the experience. You have been taught painful lessons, but lived through them, with a chance to do know better next time.

 

My romantic partners have taught me more about myself than any other experience in my life. No matter how the relationship turned out, I'm grateful for each and every one of them.

 

Breakups are hard. Easily one of the most emotionally difficult experiences human beings have to go through, but with time and perspective you can learn to move past them.

 

I know in time you'll be ok and find what you're searching for