Why Does It Have To Hurt So Bad?

[Lovelorn00]

Those are fantastic things you're doing. Keep doing it. I'll give my standard "brain" answer here.

 

Okay, forget all the squishy stuff like lost love and broken hearts. Let's get down to chemistry - brain chemistry. Ok, the way you brain works is that when you have an idea or a concept, you form a connection between neurons in your brain. Yup, every thought you have is a connection between neurons. Complex thoughts and ideas are collections of these neurons called "neural networks".

 

You have a really well developed one - your Ex. Let's call him John. Your John network was built over time as you experienced him. And because it was a relationship, you experienced him coupled with elevated emotions (lust, love, anger, dismay, insecurity) etc.... all of those were pumping out lots of juicy neurotransmitters like dopamine (the love drug), adrenaline and serotonin. What that means is that neural network of John really got burnt into you brain. Like really strongly. Your brain allocated a lot of time and energy and neurons into building the John network.

 

Now you have a second network forming next to and overlapping John. It is called the Love Lost network. Again, it is being built with lots of juicy neurotransmitters because you are building it in a state of heightened emotion.

 

And right now your brain is firing that network - a lot. And when it isn't firing the Lost Love network it is firing the John network. And that's why it hurts so much and why it is so hard to get past. In fact, it is almost caught in a vicious loop. Lost Love -> John -> Lost Love.

 

So - what's a person to do with a brain like that? Well, you're doing it. What the brain - any brain - loves most is novelty. New things. New experiences. New tastes and sounds and smells and ideas. Why? Because the brain loves to build new networks. So that's what you have to do. Build new networks. When you're building new networks your brain can't go back and fire the old ones - the John network and the Lost Love network. At least not as much. And if you can build these new networks in a state of heightened emotion, then they will consume more of your brain's resources, leave less for John and Lost Love and eventually start cannibalizing them for neurons if they're in the same region of the brain - people and relationships. The John and Lost Love networks won't go away, but they'll be less defined. Less intricate. Less important.

 

Okay - I hope some of that made sense. Now, in practical terms you should keep doing the things you're doing but also try new things or experience the things you're doing with a different emotional state. And, if at all possible, try to avoid firing the John and Lost Love networks as much. I know - that's impossible but give it a try. Like maybe say, ok, I am going to take five minutes to think about him, about Lost Love, and then I'm going to move on and not think about him or Lost Love.

 

Keep trying. Build a discipline about it. And keep exposing yourself to novelty. New things. New experiences. New people. That, and time is the best medicine.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Thank you, and what an interesting perspective! I tend to be a very science-driven person in other aspects of my life, but I never thought to apply it to my romantic relationships. Haha!

 

You're correct, though. That's part of where my "putting in the work" statement comes from. Keeping the thoughts at bay and trading them for new, more beneficial ones is extremely difficult. A lot like body building is extremely difficult, but certain goals can be achieved if one is willing to put in the work. This is why going out into nature works so well for me. In nature, my brain returns to its more primitive state where it's less concerned with dwelling on thoughts like, "Does he like me?" and more concerned with "Is that a bear over there?" That's why, each weekend, I've tried to find a new park or natural area to explore. Not only is it providing a novel experience, it's also helping to get my mind off of him. I'm lucky that I live in the south and I'm surrounded by parks and rural areas. Nature is really showing off now that it's fall and the leaves are changing. So now, my mind can focus more on the colors around me (being in the moment) rather than the heartache.

[Lovelorn00]

Great post!!! I didn't know about all of what you posted. A little about some of it. But I was going to suggest doing something novel to OP.

 

I remember when I broke up with a past boyfriend, I went to a concert in a great venue that was the type of concert I would not usually go to---it sticks out as a very good memory. It was different and a bit surreal. I think what Mrin is saying is you want to create new neural pathways that are not intertwined with the memory of your guy.

 

Also do something by yourself BY CHOICE it becomes a challenge in a good way, like a little adventure and reminds you of how strong you really are and that you can be fine alone. Sometimes the friend thing can be a lot to take--especially if everyone is wanting the update, wanting to discuss, or right there in front of you HAVE the life you want with their bf/husband (not that they are flaunting it but still it's a fact). Plus you need a new "story". Wouldn't it be great next time you saw your friends to tell them about something new and exciting you did, nothing related to guys or your heartbreak? "Oh did you hear where lovelorn just came back from (ugh, grammar, can't fix it now)?"

 

Road trips can be good too (though you might have to gauge your personality and/or tolerance for that much thinking time). If you are in the right mindset it can be a good thing. A vacation if you can afford it--even a short one--something with activities would help. Don't let your story be the one of wallowing in sadness (even if you understandably are); it just perpetuates that as your storyline to yourself and others.

 

Yes, yes! All of the above! I had plans to go to Vegas next month. I just found out that those plans have been put on hold, but I'm still going to look into going somewhere fun and exciting by myself. My poor friends - they're so sick of me talking about this stuff. Haha I'd love to have a conversation with them that didn't involve my sadness over this guy.

[Lovelorn00]

I noticed you put "Loveshack" on your list. LS is not a cure for anything in my opinion.

 

 

Chin up, in the end you'll be fine. Just repeat that to yourself.

 

Haha! Well, just talking things out with you guys is extremely helpful. None of those items on the list are cures, but all are very helpful. To me, anyway.

[losangelena]

Yes, yes! All of the above! I had plans to go to Vegas next month. I just found out that those plans have been put on hold, but I'm still going to look into going somewhere fun and exciting by myself. My poor friends - they're so sick of me talking about this stuff. Haha I'd love to have a conversation with them that didn't involve my sadness over this guy.

 

Not to beleaguer this point, LL, but YOU can steer the conversation to other topics; sometimes it's a good exercise that can actually get you over the hump of grief, because it reminds you that there ARE other things in this world to focus on.

 

For instance, I saw a good friend yesterday for the first time since my breakup. I made it a point to not be the "sad single girl," and to not let the breakup be my first and only topic of conversation. We were well into brunch before she brought it up, I told the story and that's it, we moved on to something else.

 

Because you're right, relationship talk can get tedious after a while. Besides, you're more than just "a woman with relationship issues," and forcing your mind to think critically about something other than your "process" or your "failures" or your "issues," and then having a conversation about it, can actually change how you see yourself. Suddenly your problems are not so problematic.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel like there's something else you should be doing, but mention it in case it hadn't occurred to you, because hey it can be so easy to get bogged down.

 

What kind of stuff interests you outside the milieu of relationships?

[Versacehottie]

Not to beleaguer this point, LL, but YOU can steer the conversation to other topics; sometimes it's a good exercise that can actually get you over the hump of grief, because it reminds you that there ARE other things in this world to focus on.

 

For instance, I saw a good friend yesterday for the first time since my breakup. I made it a point to not be the "sad single girl," and to not let the breakup be my first and only topic of conversation. We were well into brunch before she brought it up, I told the story and that's it, we moved on to something else.

 

Because you're right, relationship talk can get tedious after a while. Besides, you're more than just "a woman with relationship issues," and forcing your mind to think critically about something other than your "process" or your "failures" or your "issues," and then having a conversation about it, can actually change how you see yourself. Suddenly your problems are not so problematic.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel like there's something else you should be doing, but mention it in case it hadn't occurred to you, because hey it can be so easy to get bogged down.

 

What kind of stuff interests you outside the milieu of relationships?

 

I agree 100%. Sometimes even stories get filtered through the stereotype others have for you and they are not really listening since they already have your box that you fit in. So be very very careful of what story you "tell" about your life. Now other people are making it solving your relationship dilemmas and heartbroken girl. It's tough to turn that around as you can see by their out-of-line and unwelcoming and uncaring comments. That's not ALL of who you are at all. They are no more relationship-worthy just because they are in one. Like I said before, pick one or two trusted friends to open your heartbreak stories and anxiety about to. And the rest tell your amazing story. There's the added benefit of which girl do you think they'd be more like to set up or introduce to great guy friend of theirs? The girl who is amazing, does adventurous things, loves her life and by off-chance you are catching her at a rare moment when she is single and open to date.

 

You can change your story to "dating but nothing serious, nothing's taken hold just yet, having fun, we'll see".

[Lovelorn00]

I am very sorry Lovelorn... ((hugs))

 

 

While I wasn't holding out much hope based on his actions; a part of me was still hoping it might work out in the end -- and that maybe he did just need a little space.

 

 

In any event, are you still keeping in touch with him? Cause I know from experience, the fastest way to move on is to have ZERO CONTACT.

 

 

I realize that is the last thing you want to do...but seriously, this is what truly moving on requires...

 

 

So I hope you are doing that -- whether you had to block, delete, change your number, or all of the above.

 

 

Not to punish him but for YOU -- so you can move on quicker.

 

 

Again, I am so sorry this didn't work out.....

 

Me too. I wasn't exactly holding my breath that he would come around and start acting like a decent guy again, but there was a part of me that was hoping it would work out.

 

No, I haven't contacted him. He's pulled a couple of d**k moves lately, which I suspect is his way of getting me to leave him alone. Even my married friends are telling me to move on now. He initiated contact with me a couple of times last week to see how my week was going and we kept a convo going for a little while, but that's it. His last text was one of his usual "I'm so busy" texts, so I never responded.

[losangelena]

I agree 100%. Sometimes even stories get filtered through the stereotype others have for you and they are not really listening since they already have your box that you fit in. So be very very careful of what story you "tell" about your life. Now other people are making it solving your relationship dilemmas and heartbroken girl. It's tough to turn that around as you can see by their out-of-line and unwelcoming and uncaring comments. That's not ALL of who you are at all. They are no more relationship-worthy just because they are in one. Like I said before, pick one or two trusted friends to open your heartbreak stories and anxiety about to. And the rest tell your amazing story. There's the added benefit of which girl do you think they'd be more like to set up or introduce to great guy friend of theirs? The girl who is amazing, does adventurous things, loves her life and by off-chance you are catching her at a rare moment when she is single and open to date.

 

Quoted simply to agree with the bolded (and everything else). GOD YES. "They are no more relationship-worthy just because they are in one." That is like a f*cking mantra! I love it!!

[Mrin]

Thank you, and what an interesting perspective! I tend to be a very science-driven person in other aspects of my life, but I never thought to apply it to my romantic relationships. Haha!

 

You're correct, though. That's part of where my "putting in the work" statement comes from. Keeping the thoughts at bay and trading them for new, more beneficial ones is extremely difficult. A lot like body building is extremely difficult, but certain goals can be achieved if one is willing to put in the work. This is why going out into nature works so well for me. In nature, my brain returns to its more primitive state where it's less concerned with dwelling on thoughts like, "Does he like me?" and more concerned with "Is that a bear over there?" That's why, each weekend, I've tried to find a new park or natural area to explore. Not only is it providing a novel experience, it's also helping to get my mind off of him. I'm lucky that I live in the south and I'm surrounded by parks and rural areas. Nature is really showing off now that it's fall and the leaves are changing. So now, my mind can focus more on the colors around me (being in the moment) rather than the heartache.

 

That's fantastic! That's a perfect thing to do. Lots of novelty there and heightened emotions. Say, one thing to think about doing when you're out exploring, try making recordings for your future self if your phone has some sort of voice memo app.

 

I know, it sounds wonky but hear me out on this. Try recording messages for the Lovelorn00 of a year from now. Or two years from now. Don't make them about him. But rather, what you're doing on your explore. Maybe some interesting experiences or emotions or ideas. Try recording them and then stash them away somewhere safe to be listened to at a later day. Try talking to your future self - about the things you're discovering. Or that you want your future self to know/not to forget. They're a blast to listen to in the future. Believe me!

 

Good luck!

 

Mrin

[Lovelorn00]

And by the way, no offense but your friends sound kind of a$$y. "Joking" about when you get married, or wanting to be entertained by your "dating disasters?" Please, what smug marrieds, as Bridget Jones likes to call them—how lame. I hope you know that you're allowed to politely shut down that kind of talk (or impolitely, for that matter). It's fine if it makes them feel like *********s, 'cause that's what they're being.

 

Right?! This one guy, he had recently move to a different state, so I hadn't seem him in a while. Instead of talking about how much life has changed in the last year and a half (he has a baby now), he wanted to hear about my horrible dating stories. Then he proceeded to tell me about the wedding of a friend of his, whom I used to date. Super rude.

[Versacehottie]

I am hard on myself, but I feel like I need to be. There are things about myself that I don't like, so "putting in the work" means changing them. It means becoming a better version of myself so that I can get to a place of true, unconditional self-love. Working out, meditation, etc. I want to come out of this a better person than I was before I went into it. That requires a lot of work.

 

I've been doing some things like you mentioned above. I'm really into scary movies, so this being October is perfect. That's what I ended up doing last Friday night. They're all over TV. I also took myself out to dinner the other night. Sat behind a couple who wouldn't stop making out, but it didn't phase me. Haha That's a good sign, right?

 

You can work hard on your self-improvement and let yourself have the leeway to grow and allow yourself needed time and more experience at things that are new to you all at the same time be as kind to yourself as you would be to other people (i'm assuming you are kind). Plus others don't have it ALL figured out at all!!!

 

I'm glad you had a good weekend. Perfect. Love what you did. And yes good signs!!

[Versacehottie]

Sorry, I forgot to respond to the other part of your post. No – neither one of us has made any definitive declaration that things are officially over, but I know that’s what’s going on. This is how it usually happens.

I haven’t heard from him in a few days, and he hasn’t gone out of his way to make plans with me for a while, so I know what’s up.

 

Hmmmmm I obviously need to go back and re-read what happened. Ok, I believe you if he's doing a fade now. Just do what you are doing. Let him make contact since he's the one pulling away. Evaluate each one on it's own merit. Think of your life a bit more as an adventure. There are no forgone conclusions (that's one reason I'm guessing you get anxious)--you feel like other people are doing stuff "to you". You are the creator of your own life. Very metaphysical of me, I know! But necessary in this instance.

[Lovelorn00]

Not to beleaguer this point, LL, but YOU can steer the conversation to other topics; sometimes it's a good exercise that can actually get you over the hump of grief, because it reminds you that there ARE other things in this world to focus on.

 

For instance, I saw a good friend yesterday for the first time since my breakup. I made it a point to not be the "sad single girl," and to not let the breakup be my first and only topic of conversation. We were well into brunch before she brought it up, I told the story and that's it, we moved on to something else.

 

Because you're right, relationship talk can get tedious after a while. Besides, you're more than just "a woman with relationship issues," and forcing your mind to think critically about something other than your "process" or your "failures" or your "issues," and then having a conversation about it, can actually change how you see yourself. Suddenly your problems are not so problematic.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel like there's something else you should be doing, but mention it in case it hadn't occurred to you, because hey it can be so easy to get bogged down.

 

What kind of stuff interests you outside the milieu of relationships?

 

A lot of things, but I guess... I don't know. I hate to admit this, but I've made finding a LTR one of my top priorities. Everything else in my life is pretty wonderful. I have a great job, all of the material possessions I want, I'm doing well financially. It just seems that the ONE thing missing is someone to share my life with. So, that's what I tend to focus on. Some of my friends have also pointed this out. "You're so preoccupied with guys," they say. And it's true, but many of them don't understand that it's because it's something that I want very badly, yet it's the one thing that has remained elusive in my life. That's why I talk about it so much with them.

[katiegrl]

Sorry, I forgot to respond to the other part of your post. No – neither one of us has made any definitive declaration that things are officially over, but I know that’s what’s going on. This is how it usually happens.

I haven’t heard from him in a few days, and he hasn’t gone out of his way to make plans with me for a while, so I know what’s up.

 

And then there were those d*ck moves, as you so eloquently named them..

 

 

Yah, it's best to conclude it's over, go no contact and move on with your life...

 

 

If he continues to text you, best to block or just ignore...

 

 

JMO.

 

 

Be kind to yourself...and take care of YOU!

[Lovelorn00]

I agree 100%. Sometimes even stories get filtered through the stereotype others have for you and they are not really listening since they already have your box that you fit in. So be very very careful of what story you "tell" about your life. Now other people are making it solving your relationship dilemmas and heartbroken girl. It's tough to turn that around as you can see by their out-of-line and unwelcoming and uncaring comments. That's not ALL of who you are at all. They are no more relationship-worthy just because they are in one. Like I said before, pick one or two trusted friends to open your heartbreak stories and anxiety about to. And the rest tell your amazing story. There's the added benefit of which girl do you think they'd be more like to set up or introduce to great guy friend of theirs? The girl who is amazing, does adventurous things, loves her life and by off-chance you are catching her at a rare moment when she is single and open to date.

 

You can change your story to "dating but nothing serious, nothing's taken hold just yet, having fun, we'll see".

 

Wow, I love the phrase "change your story". What if I was that girl who had all these amazing adventure stories? How awesome would that be? If my conversations centered around how awesome my life is instead of how horrible my dating experiences are. Wow. Yes. I need to consciously change my story. I'm not Lil' Miss Heartbreak.

 

I saw a friend today, and the first thing she asked me was, "How's it going with [insert guy's name here]?" FIRST thing! Hmmm. That's really saying something. Next time, I will choose to change the subject.

[Lovelorn00]

Hmmmmm I obviously need to go back and re-read what happened. Ok, I believe you if he's doing a fade now. Just do what you are doing. Let him make contact since he's the one pulling away. Evaluate each one on it's own merit. Think of your life a bit more as an adventure. There are no forgone conclusions (that's one reason I'm guessing you get anxious)--you feel like other people are doing stuff "to you". You are the creator of your own life. Very metaphysical of me, I know! But necessary in this instance.

 

There isn't a lot that's happened. Last time we got together was a few weeks ago (and I basically had to ask for that one). Since then, communication has waned and he's not made any attempt to make plans with me. Definitely a slow fade. Guess the dog bite sealed the deal for him on that one. The ol' bite-n-bail.

 

Oh, I'm all about the metaphysical stuff! Spirituality, etc. It keeps me going. And I completely agree. Personally, though, I gotta be careful about the whole "you created this" idea, as I'm liable to take that WAY too far and beat myself up about it. I do understand many of my faults in this particular situation, though. Part of my "work" will be fixing those issues so they won't continue to become part of my story.

[losangelena]

A lot of things, but I guess... I don't know. I hate to admit this, but I've made finding a LTR one of my top priorities. Everything else in my life is pretty wonderful. I have a great job, all of the material possessions I want, I'm doing well financially. It just seems that the ONE thing missing is someone to share my life with. So, that's what I tend to focus on. Some of my friends have also pointed this out. "You're so preoccupied with guys," they say. And it's true, but many of them don't understand that it's because it's something that I want very badly, yet it's the one thing that has remained elusive in my life. That's why I talk about it so much with them.

 

Ah! I see. Girl, don't be embarrassed, I think it's a really common, easy thing to do.

 

I wonder though, too, if part of the reason you're afraid that something is "wrong with you," is BECAUSE you're so fixated on this but feel as if you can't get any traction. I can see how all your anxieties would be magnified in that kind of headspace. Fears always magnify while focused on.

 

Also, I'd say that yes, while b*tching about boys is fun, it's kind of a thin thing to bond over. I have a friend who was also single when we met, and we bonded over our outrageous dating stories. Well, we both got into relationships around the same time, and all of a sudden it's like we didn't have anything to talk about when we got together, because things were "going well" in our respective relationships. It was really weird to realize, and kind of sad, honestly.

 

But yes, you CAN change the conversation. Next time someone asks, declare it a relationship-free conversation.

[thecrucible]

I wonder though, too, if part of the reason you're afraid that something is "wrong with you," is BECAUSE you're so fixated on this but feel as if you can't get any traction. I can see how all your anxieties would be magnified in that kind of headspace. Fears always magnify while focused on.

 

Also, I'd say that yes, while b*tching about boys is fun, it's kind of a thin thing to bond over. I have a friend who was also single when we met, and we bonded over our outrageous dating stories. Well, we both got into relationships around the same time, and all of a sudden it's like we didn't have anything to talk about when we got together, because things were "going well" in our respective relationships. It was really weird to realize, and kind of sad, honestly.

 

But yes, you CAN change the conversation. Next time someone asks, declare it a relationship-free conversation.

 

I do this as well! But I'm getting better at avoiding the conversation. I've also experienced a friendship where we talked about relationships a lot and didn't bond so much over other things. I agree that it's really tough. There's so much pressure to come across as the cool happy and independent chick who's not bothered with her single status. Somehow if you show any sign of sincerely wanting to find a relationship you're sometimes perceived as a desperate no hoper, that there might be something wrong with you. It's not embarrassing to say "Yes I would like a LTR with someone". Yet I've had female acquaintances I'm sure think of me as not the same status as them because I'm sans man. In some circles, a lot of your status, and perception of your looks and potential sexiness is tied up in whether you have a man on your arm. For some people, they've made it and you haven't.

 

Then there's the possibility of your single stories becoming more about entertainment fodder than genuine solidarity between women and wanting to help each other. I was experiencing this. I had an empty feeling from meeting the wrong men and some friends would want to hear was another story of an hilarious date. Meanwhile I'm wishing I was in their position of being engaged or secure in a long term relationship. But I can't compare myself to them because they are living different lives.

 

Sorry a bit of a long reply (I hope I haven't veered off topic) but it's very hard for me to find women companions in real life who can identify with this sort of thing.

[neowulf]

Dating, I mean. Or, rather, the part where one person slowly loses interest in the other person after feelings have developed (my bad). Here is a list of the things I’ve tried to get over this guy. Yeah, I know “anti-depressant” isn’t on the list, but that’s because I really thought putting my all into self-care and self-love would do the trick. It hasn’t.

 

· Yoga

· Meditation

· Positive Affirmations

· Relationship self-help books

· Happify App (supposed to help squash negative thoughts)

· Therapy

· Loveshack

· Exercise (cardio)

· Practicing gratitude

· Long hikes / time in nature

· Savoring little things / being in the moment

· Pampering (facials, shopping, etc.)

· Funny TV shows/movies

· Going out with friends

· Eating clean (daily super smoothies, meat-free days, supplements, etc.)

· Uplifting music

 

And at the end of the day, I still feel like crap. I know I’m not the only one going through this, and that’s what’s even more depressing. The internet is riddled with relationship forums like this filled with people going through the same thing. Men don’t get women and women don’t get men. Wtf does this have to be so difficult and painful? I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Sadly, there's one item missing from your list that always works eventually.

 

Time.

 

Sometimes you simply have to endure. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's life. It's a false notion that if we're in pain, we can always relieve it. Sometimes pain must simply be lived with, managed and eventually moved past.

 

One technique you might like to try that helped me during painful breakups;

 

John Gray - Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus - Feelings Letter Love Letter

 

1. First you write a Feeling Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.

 

2. Then you write a Response Letter expressing what you want to hear from your loved one.

 

I wrote many of these, to help me process my feelings about the person, the pain of the breakup along with the gratitude and love I felt for having known them.

 

Hang in there.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, I love the phrase "change your story". What if I was that girl who had all these amazing adventure stories? How awesome would that be? If my conversations centered around how awesome my life is instead of how horrible my dating experiences are. Wow. Yes. I need to consciously change my story. I'm not Lil' Miss Heartbreak.

 

I saw a friend today, and the first thing she asked me was, "How's it going with [insert guy's name here]?" FIRST thing! Hmmm. That's really saying something. Next time, I will choose to change the subject.

 

Well people get their information about YOU from YOU. So we all are in the luxurious position to decide what that will be and play a big role in shaping their opinions of us. Because it is cyclical and it will bite you in the ass if in looking for real support you tell a story that is not conducive to the image you want for yourself. It starts to become reality and you start to believe it. You could even be happily dating and telling a funny story about a new date that you don't even care about, just wanting to bond with friends about something funny and show you don't care and have risen above. BUT because based on all the brokenhearted, sad stories you've told before, they can hear the story that you are telling lightheartedly and funny and only hear that it failed!! I've literally been in the room several times with a friend of mine who is THAT girl. Yes most of the time they were fails and sad stories. And in reality as a person who loves to watch behavior and dating stories, I could usually see her problem (why they weren't working out). I will run into mutual friends and she is not even there and that is the subject of conversation--her latest fail!! It's actually a little cruel but she brought it on herself to some extent. But sometimes I saw here trying to tell the story just to be funny and they still treated her like she was pathetic. BTW, as a nice ending she got a new boyfriend about a year ago and they got engaged a couple of months ago. Soooooo anything is possible. I mean it her stories WERE a little pathetic, but I was willing to see all sides of them but most people are too simple and self-involved to really hear what you're saying once they've formed an opinion like that strong.

 

You are more than just who you date. AND importantly, yes if it's a priority that's ok, but just put those things you need to do to date on a to-do list and do them like a routine. Then get passionate about your life--that's what will draw someone to you. Have you ever noticed those girls (i know a few) that actually do things that I think most people would think are kinda dull but they are 1000% into IT!! Like whatever they are doing is best and totally engaged in it, like right where they want to be in life. Whether it's resting, relaxing, baking cookies, playing with their cat, visiting a niece. You did it today when you described your nature walk. More of that. Then you are the adventurous, living girl. You can be one too. Right now. With the life you have--don't need a guy to make you 100%. Stop thinking of yourself as "without". ;-)

 

I have to add that this girl completely had her own life that she was way into--even with her pathetic dating fails. She was way, way into traveling and took exotic vacations by herself, into yoga, beach and her friends. Like truly and completely. Her fails had more to do with going from 0-60 right away and picking some of the wrong guys and asking where they stood right away. There was definite pattern. But she did have her own life. That was helpful.

Edited October 27, 2015 by Versacehottie

[MzLady]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. You're not alone though. I am going through the very same... I got ghosted by my "boyfriend" who obviously didn't have the same feelings as me.. I have done all of the same things you have.. affirmations, gratitude, meditation, exercise, and then some.

 

I agree with everyone else, it's just going to take some time. It's been about a month for me. I still hurt, but not like I did in the beginning. However, one thing that made a huge difference for me is getting enough sleep. I don't know about you, but I was laying in bed staring at the ceiling for weeks, or I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it and couldn't go back to sleep.

 

Everyday, not only was I heartbroken, but I was exhausted! So I started taking something to help me sleep (just some Tylenol PMs). I can't tell you how much better I felt. Yes, I'm still dealing, but getting a good night's sleep made me feel so much better.

 

I hope you start to feel better soon. You seem like a very nice person and it's obviously his loss. Take care.

[Lovelorn00]

Ah! I see. Girl, don't be embarrassed, I think it's a really common, easy thing to do.

 

I wonder though, too, if part of the reason you're afraid that something is "wrong with you," is BECAUSE you're so fixated on this but feel as if you can't get any traction. I can see how all your anxieties would be magnified in that kind of headspace. Fears always magnify while focused on.

 

Also, I'd say that yes, while b*tching about boys is fun, it's kind of a thin thing to bond over. I have a friend who was also single when we met, and we bonded over our outrageous dating stories. Well, we both got into relationships around the same time, and all of a sudden it's like we didn't have anything to talk about when we got together, because things were "going well" in our respective relationships. It was really weird to realize, and kind of sad, honestly.

 

But yes, you CAN change the conversation. Next time someone asks, declare it a relationship-free conversation.

 

Yes, magnified especially when everything else seems to be going okay. Not to say my life is perfect. I’ve got plenty of issues, but for some reason, I can cope with those SOOOOO much better than my relationship issues. I’m a bit of a go-getter, and I feel like I’m pretty good at achieving the goals that I set for myself. So that’s why my relationships seem like flat-out failures. I go into them with the goal of turning one into a LTR, and I keep FAILING at it. It’s so frustrating.

[StBreton]

Hey LL

 

Been a follower for a while and sorry this didn't work out for you.

 

Curious ...off the top of your head ... what reason (s) comes to mind for why things do not work out? Not just with this guy but in general.

 

 

Also ...if your "goal" is to turn these into LTR ...maybe you're giving off an air of desperation? ...in my experience ... When I've felt the "whatever" attitude is when dating has worked into a LTR. I can't explain the dynamics and my attitude wasn't purposeful ...I just had things going on in my life and didn't care one way or the other if the relationship worked or not. Maybe that led to a guy feeling satisfied that he got his thrill of the hunt experience? I don't know. And guys think we're hard to figure out:) My definition of a man is smart but simple ...I could be wrong.

 

In the end ...it all could come down to ...you just haven't met the guy you're supposed to be with YET ...

[katiegrl]

Yes, magnified especially when everything else seems to be going okay. Not to say my life is perfect. I’ve got plenty of issues, but for some reason, I can cope with those SOOOOO much better than my relationship issues. I’m a bit of a go-getter, and I feel like I’m pretty good at achieving the goals that I set for myself. So that’s why my relationships seem like flat-out failures.

 

 

**I go into them with the goal of turning one into a LTR,***

 

 

and I keep FAILING at it. It’s so frustrating.

 

Quote in asterisk above, that's your mistake. IMO.

 

Stop trying so hard to "turn" every dating experience into a committed LTR.

 

The man can sense that, and may feel pressured, pushed, it's a turn off for many men.

 

Relax! Be spontaneous! Dating should be fun, just enjoy it for what it is, let it play out naturally and organically.

 

When you are constantly striving to turn it into something long term, you come off as anxious with a hidden agenda.

 

Many men don't trust it and will pull back.

 

Your attitude during your early dates should be, I like him, I am attracted to him, I enjoy dating him ...I will relax, have fun, enjoy the experience and see where it leads ...naturally, spontaneously, I will not push for more (consciously or unconsciously), and just see where it takes us.... I will not become too attached to the outcome.

 

That attitude has always *worked,* for me and actually led to what I wanted...a long term committed relationship!

Edited October 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[StBreton]

Quote in asterisk above, that's your mistake. IMO.

 

Stop trying so hard to "turn" every dating experience into a committed LTR.

 

The man can sense that, and may feel pressured, pushed, it's a turn off for many men.

 

Relax! Be spontaneous! Dating should be fun, just enjoy it for what it is, let it play out naturally and organically.

 

When you are constantly striving to turn it into something long term, you come off as anxious with a hidden agenda.

 

Many men don't trust it and will pull back.

 

Your attitude during your early dates should be, I like him, I am attracted to him, I enjoy dating him ...I will relax, have fun, enjoy the experience and see where it leads ...naturally, spontaneously, I will not push for more (consciously or unconsciously), and just see where it takes us.... I will not become too attached to the outcome.

 

That attitude has always *worked,* for me and actually led to what I wanted...a long term committed relationship!

 

Katiegrl I swear we're twins and were separated at birth

 

Sorry for the OT moment here (can't PM yet) but can you weigh in on the "surprise divorce" thread

[katiegrl]

Katiegrl I swear we're twins and were separated at birth

 

Sorry for the OT moment here (can't PM yet) but can you weigh in on the "surprise divorce" thread

 

Okay I will.

 

Heading off to work now, will check it out later! :)