Why Does It Have To Hurt So Bad?

[Lovelorn00]

Dating, I mean. Or, rather, the part where one person slowly loses interest in the other person after feelings have developed (my bad). Here is a list of the things I’ve tried to get over this guy. Yeah, I know “anti-depressant” isn’t on the list, but that’s because I really thought putting my all into self-care and self-love would do the trick. It hasn’t.

 

· Yoga

· Meditation

· Positive Affirmations

· Relationship self-help books

· Happify App (supposed to help squash negative thoughts)

· Therapy

· Loveshack

· Exercise (cardio)

· Practicing gratitude

· Long hikes / time in nature

· Savoring little things / being in the moment

· Pampering (facials, shopping, etc.)

· Funny TV shows/movies

· Going out with friends

· Eating clean (daily super smoothies, meat-free days, supplements, etc.)

· Uplifting music

 

And at the end of the day, I still feel like crap. I know I’m not the only one going through this, and that’s what’s even more depressing. The internet is riddled with relationship forums like this filled with people going through the same thing. Men don’t get women and women don’t get men. Wtf does this have to be so difficult and painful? I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

[Versacehottie]

Dating, I mean. Or, rather, the part where one person slowly loses interest in the other person after feelings have developed (my bad). Here is a list of the things I’ve tried to get over this guy. Yeah, I know “anti-depressant” isn’t on the list, but that’s because I really thought putting my all into self-care and self-love would do the trick. It hasn’t.

 

· Yoga

· Meditation

· Positive Affirmations

· Relationship self-help books

· Happify App (supposed to help squash negative thoughts)

· Therapy

· Loveshack

· Exercise (cardio)

· Practicing gratitude

· Long hikes / time in nature

· Savoring little things / being in the moment

· Pampering (facials, shopping, etc.)

· Funny TV shows/movies

· Going out with friends

· Eating clean (daily super smoothies, meat-free days, supplements, etc.)

· Uplifting music

 

And at the end of the day, I still feel like crap. I know I’m not the only one going through this, and that’s what’s even more depressing. The internet is riddled with relationship forums like this filled with people going through the same thing. Men don’t get women and women don’t get men. Wtf does this have to be so difficult and painful? I’m starting to question if it’s worth it.

 

Wow that's a good list. You are doing all the right things. Sometimes you can be doing all the right things but you still just need TIME. You also have to be kind to yourself, in terms of not beating yourself up for not being over it, not being "good" enough to hook this one or wondering why it doesn't work for you and a bunch of other people on the internet. So add being kind to yourself to the list. And add: look for uplifting relationship stories. You will continue to find negative stories if you look for them OR you can find positive stories if you look for them. Lots of time the positive stories don't have time or where-with-all to post them on the internet since they are not in a crisis and are busy living their lives--so you may just have to open your eyes and ask people, observe. Even your friends have some successful stories--that is proof that it can and will happen for you. You are doing the right things give it time.

 

Shift your thinking even more. If we want something so much, all we can see is that we are WITHOUT it (him, a relationship). Start being proud of yourself for making it through these moments. And remember if life was without some downs, we would lose ability to feel the ups. Think of another goal that means a lot to you right now and work on that. A distraction of sorts. Hang in there we will be here to help

[Lovelorn00]

Wow that's a good list. You are doing all the right things. Sometimes you can be doing all the right things but you still just need TIME. You also have to be kind to yourself, in terms of not beating yourself up for not being over it, not being "good" enough to hook this one or wondering why it doesn't work for you and a bunch of other people on the internet. So add being kind to yourself to the list. And add: look for uplifting relationship stories. You will continue to find negative stories if you look for them OR you can find positive stories if you look for them. Lots of time the positive stories don't have time or where-with-all to post them on the internet since they are not in a crisis and are busy living their lives--so you may just have to open your eyes and ask people, observe. Even your friends have some successful stories--that is proof that it can and will happen for you. You are doing the right things give it time.

 

Shift your thinking even more. If we want something so much, all we can see is that we are WITHOUT it (him, a relationship). Start being proud of yourself for making it through these moments. And remember if life was without some downs, we would lose ability to feel the ups. Think of another goal that means a lot to you right now and work on that. A distraction of sorts. Hang in there we will be here to help

 

Thanks, Versacehottie. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and remind myself that I’m beautiful, smart, and worth it… and I really do feel that way. I also tell myself that I can make it through the day and to “put in the work” to get through this. Yet, somehow, I still have this rock in my stomach – an ache of loss and regret. I want to be beautiful, smart, and worth it… to HIM. I try not to beat myself up and let myself just FEEL the pain, but I have to be careful with that, because it spirals out of control quite easily with me. I also have to be careful about the success stories, too, because those tend to give me a false sense of hope. You’re right, though – there are plenty out there. People who are in happy relationships have no reason to post their woes on the internet. Haha

 

It’s just crazy to me how different we all are as individuals, yet we are all so similar in our relationships. We warn against the dangers of categorizing the sexes and putting each other into “cookie-cutter” roles, but it’s soooooo true. “All men aren’t the same,” my friends tell me, but reading the stories here and elsewhere, it certainly seems to be that way.

 

Yes. I need to find something distracting. Maybe I’m having a harder time today, because it’s Friday and it’s a little slow at work. So, I’ve had a lot of time to analyze where things went wrong with me and him. I’m also down, because I don’t have any plans tonight, and I’m a little scared to be alone with my thoughts. I really don’t wanna go out, so I need to find something distracting to do at home until I can fall asleep.

[Gaeta]

The only thing missing on your list is 'time'. There is no speedy way to get over a heartbreak. You have to hold on and live through it.

 

Trying everything to not hurt is not the answer. You are only delaying the hurt. You have a heartbreak, accept it, and live it. Get the ice cream out, put your oldest most comfy pj's, put a love movie on and cry all your little heart out.

 

Give yourself time to grieve. Don't avoid it.

[joseb]

The only thing missing on your list is 'time'. There is no speedy way to get over a heartbreak. You have to hold on and live through it.

 

Trying everything to not hurt is not the answer. You are only delaying the hurt. You have a heartbreak, accept it, and live it. Get the ice cream out, put your oldest most comfy pj's, put a love movie on and cry all your little heart out.

 

Give yourself time to grieve. Don't avoid it.

 

Yes time is the real healer.

 

Im not sure how long it is since you split up , but if if its only a few weeks then you cant really expect to not feel pain.

It took me about 4 months to get to a reasonable place after my last relationship. And i was the one doing the breaking up.

[losangelena]

I will echo what everyone else is saying—time. Also, as Gaeta said, allow yourself to be sad, like really, really sad.

 

Feel like a f*ck-up; go ahead. Wallow in the sh*tty stuff for a while. Yes it sucks, yes it disintegrated, but guess what? You're still here and living. It didn't take you down. But distracting yourself too much for from simply feeling bad will stall the process.

[Jejangles]

Agreed with everyone LL, it takes time to recover from the hope, excitement and then letdown of a budding relationship.

 

Here's my two favourite ways to help me get through the blue period after a romantic disappointment:

 

- Cry - it really does act like a release valve for emotion. Really cry and get in touch with your dark thoughts, honestly, it will help you let them go!

 

- Write, write and write some more. The last time I realised I was in a go nowhere situation with a man who was completely wrong for me, I wrote down all his faults, all the red flags I had ignored, key moments where things went wrong. Then I wrote what I would be looking for in the future, what my "dating" rules would be, why I'm worth a good guy. Whenever I look back at those writings, it feels awkward, but it's really helpful in the moment!

[Lovelorn00]

Yes time is the real healer.

 

Im not sure how long it is since you split up , but if if its only a few weeks then you cant really expect to not feel pain.

It took me about 4 months to get to a reasonable place after my last relationship. And i was the one doing the breaking up.

 

This one only lasted a couple of months, so I figured I could just “move on” quickly like everyone’s been telling me to do (online and off). “Move on” = “get over it” to me, and everyone makes it sound so easy. I can’t just wake up and forget about him the way he’s forgotten about me. It’s just not that easy for me. I guess I am beating myself for letting myself fall too quickly for someone who wasn’t interested. That was definitely my bad. I need to protect my heart a little better going forward.

 

But you and Gaeta are right – it’ll hopefully get better with time. Blah.

[joseb]

Ll, even though it was short if you really liked him its still going to take some time.

 

Move on, as in accept its over and grieve, etc.

That still takes some time and will hurt, but its better than living in some kind of false hope purgatory.

[Lovelorn00]

I will echo what everyone else is saying—time. Also, as Gaeta said, allow yourself to be sad, like really, really sad.

 

Feel like a f*ck-up; go ahead. Wallow in the sh*tty stuff for a while. Yes it sucks, yes it disintegrated, but guess what? You're still here and living. It didn't take you down. But distracting yourself too much for from simply feeling bad will stall the process.

 

I don't remember what movie it was, but I once heard a quote that said something like, "The worst thing about heartbreak is that it doesn't actually kill you." It feels like it should. Like a bullet to the head or something. But it doesn't. That's kinda how I feel right now. Maybe not so much like a bullet to the head, but maybe more like an elephant repeatedly kicking me in the groin. It just doesn't feel good. The problem is, when I wallow, I WALLOW. I isolate and it spirals into full-blown depression. That's why I'm a little hesitant to just let myself feel it all the way, ya know?

[Lovelorn00]

Agreed with everyone LL, it takes time to recover from the hope, excitement and then letdown of a budding relationship.

 

Here's my two favourite ways to help me get through the blue period after a romantic disappointment:

 

- Cry - it really does act like a release valve for emotion. Really cry and get in touch with your dark thoughts, honestly, it will help you let them go!

 

- Write, write and write some more. The last time I realised I was in a go nowhere situation with a man who was completely wrong for me, I wrote down all his faults, all the red flags I had ignored, key moments where things went wrong. Then I wrote what I would be looking for in the future, what my "dating" rules would be, why I'm worth a good guy. Whenever I look back at those writings, it feels awkward, but it's really helpful in the moment!

 

Yes. I’ve felt the urge to cry plenty of times today, and I’ll finally get the chance to do so when I get home. Thank goodness.

It didn’t help that I had lunch with an old friend/co-worker today, and the first thing he asked me about were my “recent dating failures.” Then proceeded to tell me about the fact that his friend (whom I used to date) just got married. Gee, thanks. haha

 

So, yes – I think I deserve a good cry tonight. As for writing, it might be too early for that. I’ll admit – the guy has plenty of faults, but so does everyone. Right now, I’m seeing more of his good qualities than I’m seeing his faults, so it’ll probably be difficult for me to actually flesh out a good list. That was a good suggestion, though.

[losangelena]

This one only lasted a couple of months, so I figured I could just “move on” quickly like everyone’s been telling me to do (online and off). “Move on” = “get over it” to me, and everyone makes it sound so easy. I can’t just wake up and forget about him the way he’s forgotten about me. It’s just not that easy for me. I guess I am beating myself for letting myself fall too quickly for someone who wasn’t interested. That was definitely my bad. I need to protect my heart a little better going forward.

 

But you and Gaeta are right – it’ll hopefully get better with time. Blah.

 

Oh, LL ... if I could give you a really big hug right now, I would.

 

Listen girl.

 

It's OKAAAAAYYYYY to take time.

 

I don't see anyone around here with a stopwatch, keeping track to see how long you take to get over this guy. I know I certainly am not, and if I ever gave that impression, forgive me.

 

Sometimes the shortest relationships can make a HUGE impact. Years ago I met a guy in a bar (I know, right?) and we ended up talking and flirting all night. At the end of it, he gave me his number and email address. I asked him out again, he reschedule, and when I met him for coffee, he told me he really liked me, but that he couldn't keep seeing me because he was already seeing someone. I was DEVASTATED. The depth of feeling I had for this guy were not at all in line for the amount of time I knew him, but boy did it hurt.

 

Another example, a couple of years ago, when I was up to my eyeballs in OLD, I went out three times with this one guy—3 TIMES. On our last "date" we had a hot and heavy make out shesh by his car in front of my house. OMG, I was head over heels for this guy. I just thought he was THE ONE. I can't explain why, other than our values and interests and personalities aligned in such a way that he really made me excited. But then about a week later he let me know that he just wasn't in a place to be dating (it's not you; it's me, etc.). Again, I took it really, really hard. He and I have come out the other side of that as friends, incidentally.

 

I'm over them both now, but I fell harder, and had a harder time getting over them than I did "relationships" that lasted three-, four-times as long.

 

Bottom-line, you just never know how it's going to effect you until it's over.

 

I think for you, especially with this guy, you're feeling more than just the loss of him. I think you've been doing a lot of thinking and processing about how you are in relationships in general, and it goes much deeper than this guy you had feelings for. You have a lot to process, so again, it's OK to take time.

 

You are SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You are literally your own worst enemy sometimes, and I say that tenderly. Be gentle with yourself, not always such a marshal of self-improvement. Yes, relationship books and meditation and exercise are great, but if you're doing them only so that you'll hopefully feel better about things, it's all the wrong reasons to be doing them.

 

Don't worry right now about "getting over." Just let yourself be. Feel feelings when they come to you. Cry when you need to, throw a book across the room when you need to, have a good laugh when you need. It's been six weeks, and I still spontaneously sob over my breakup, and probably will for a while now; my therapist and I are getting into a whole bunch of conversations; and I feel like never dating again at the moment. These are all part of the grieving process. Let yourself go there, it'll be OK I promise.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks, Versacehottie. I wake up every morning and look in the mirror and remind myself that I’m beautiful, smart, and worth it… and I really do feel that way. I also tell myself that I can make it through the day and to “put in the work” to get through this. Yet, somehow, I still have this rock in my stomach – an ache of loss and regret. I want to be beautiful, smart, and worth it… to HIM. I try not to beat myself up and let myself just FEEL the pain, but I have to be careful with that, because it spirals out of control quite easily with me. I also have to be careful about the success stories, too, because those tend to give me a false sense of hope. You’re right, though – there are plenty out there. People who are in happy relationships have no reason to post their woes on the internet. Haha

 

It’s just crazy to me how different we all are as individuals, yet we are all so similar in our relationships. We warn against the dangers of categorizing the sexes and putting each other into “cookie-cutter” roles, but it’s soooooo true. “All men aren’t the same,” my friends tell me, but reading the stories here and elsewhere, it certainly seems to be that way.

 

Yes. I need to find something distracting. Maybe I’m having a harder time today, because it’s Friday and it’s a little slow at work. So, I’ve had a lot of time to analyze where things went wrong with me and him. I’m also down, because I don’t have any plans tonight, and I’m a little scared to be alone with my thoughts. I really don’t wanna go out, so I need to find something distracting to do at home until I can fall asleep.

 

Well "put in the work" still has an underlying theme that something is "wrong" with you, like I commented about in your other thread. Nothing's wrong with you. You're hard on yourself. If you feel like something is wrong with you, of course that will make moments of feeling bad feel worse, last for longer and feel that they are unsurmountable. Fridays are going to be harder and the weekend when you are going through something like this. Also I know it seemed like he was fading, is it over for sure OR are you just jumping to worst case scenario? Feels like you have a tendency to jump the gun in that direction, which is never going to feel good and usually becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy.

 

Do something action-oriented even if it is at home. Go buy a fiction book to read or watch a movie at home or out alone. Make an event that would normally be a time killer/slightly meh as just the right level activity and distraction for you tonight. Good luck

[sandy123]

Wow, I so needed to read this thread tonight!

 

I am going through heartbreak, too. The guy I have fallen for but never actually had a dating / full-blown relationship is moving away, and I am devastated. I have known him just six months, but he is the first man I have ever felt this way about. I have been crying for several months in anticipation of his leaving.

[Versacehottie]

Do something action-oriented even if it is at home. Go buy a fiction book to read or watch a movie at home or out alone. Make an event that would normally be a time killer/slightly meh as just the right level activity and distraction for you tonight. Good luck

 

Ooops I forgot to say it may seem obvious but try to contain your thoughts to just now and the next few hours (tonight). It's when you (general you) look too far into the future that things feel overwhelming and like they are not going in right direction now or ever will be. Life is a series of small steps. If something is pulling you down emotionally contain your thoughts to an area where it will serve you and not hurt you. You don't need to figure out the rest of your life tonight or this weekend. Getting yourself back on track emotionally so that you can make strides later in regards to goals about relationships is an important step even if taking in a movie or reading a book seems like a roundabout way to do it. <3

[Mrin]

Those are fantastic things you're doing. Keep doing it. I'll give my standard "brain" answer here.

 

Okay, forget all the squishy stuff like lost love and broken hearts. Let's get down to chemistry - brain chemistry. Ok, the way you brain works is that when you have an idea or a concept, you form a connection between neurons in your brain. Yup, every thought you have is a connection between neurons. Complex thoughts and ideas are collections of these neurons called "neural networks".

 

You have a really well developed one - your Ex. Let's call him John. Your John network was built over time as you experienced him. And because it was a relationship, you experienced him coupled with elevated emotions (lust, love, anger, dismay, insecurity) etc.... all of those were pumping out lots of juicy neurotransmitters like dopamine (the love drug), adrenaline and serotonin. What that means is that neural network of John really got burnt into you brain. Like really strongly. Your brain allocated a lot of time and energy and neurons into building the John network.

 

Now you have a second network forming next to and overlapping John. It is called the Love Lost network. Again, it is being built with lots of juicy neurotransmitters because you are building it in a state of heightened emotion.

 

And right now your brain is firing that network - a lot. And when it isn't firing the Lost Love network it is firing the John network. And that's why it hurts so much and why it is so hard to get past. In fact, it is almost caught in a vicious loop. Lost Love -> John -> Lost Love.

 

So - what's a person to do with a brain like that? Well, you're doing it. What the brain - any brain - loves most is novelty. New things. New experiences. New tastes and sounds and smells and ideas. Why? Because the brain loves to build new networks. So that's what you have to do. Build new networks. When you're building new networks your brain can't go back and fire the old ones - the John network and the Lost Love network. At least not as much. And if you can build these new networks in a state of heightened emotion, then they will consume more of your brain's resources, leave less for John and Lost Love and eventually start cannibalizing them for neurons if they're in the same region of the brain - people and relationships. The John and Lost Love networks won't go away, but they'll be less defined. Less intricate. Less important.

 

Okay - I hope some of that made sense. Now, in practical terms you should keep doing the things you're doing but also try new things or experience the things you're doing with a different emotional state. And, if at all possible, try to avoid firing the John and Lost Love networks as much. I know - that's impossible but give it a try. Like maybe say, ok, I am going to take five minutes to think about him, about Lost Love, and then I'm going to move on and not think about him or Lost Love.

 

Keep trying. Build a discipline about it. And keep exposing yourself to novelty. New things. New experiences. New people. That, and time is the best medicine.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[Versacehottie]

Those are fantastic things you're doing. Keep doing it. I'll give my standard "brain" answer here.

 

Okay, forget all the squishy stuff like lost love and broken hearts. Let's get down to chemistry - brain chemistry. Ok, the way you brain works is that when you have an idea or a concept, you form a connection between neurons in your brain. Yup, every thought you have is a connection between neurons. Complex thoughts and ideas are collections of these neurons called "neural networks".

 

You have a really well developed one - your Ex. Let's call him John. Your John network was built over time as you experienced him. And because it was a relationship, you experienced him coupled with elevated emotions (lust, love, anger, dismay, insecurity) etc.... all of those were pumping out lots of juicy neurotransmitters like dopamine (the love drug), adrenaline and serotonin. What that means is that neural network of John really got burnt into you brain. Like really strongly. Your brain allocated a lot of time and energy and neurons into building the John network.

 

Now you have a second network forming next to and overlapping John. It is called the Love Lost network. Again, it is being built with lots of juicy neurotransmitters because you are building it in a state of heightened emotion.

 

And right now your brain is firing that network - a lot. And when it isn't firing the Lost Love network it is firing the John network. And that's why it hurts so much and why it is so hard to get past. In fact, it is almost caught in a vicious loop. Lost Love -> John -> Lost Love.

 

So - what's a person to do with a brain like that? Well, you're doing it. What the brain - any brain - loves most is novelty. New things. New experiences. New tastes and sounds and smells and ideas. Why? Because the brain loves to build new networks. So that's what you have to do. Build new networks. When you're building new networks your brain can't go back and fire the old ones - the John network and the Lost Love network. At least not as much. And if you can build these new networks in a state of heightened emotion, then they will consume more of your brain's resources, leave less for John and Lost Love and eventually start cannibalizing them for neurons if they're in the same region of the brain - people and relationships. The John and Lost Love networks won't go away, but they'll be less defined. Less intricate. Less important.

 

Okay - I hope some of that made sense. Now, in practical terms you should keep doing the things you're doing but also try new things or experience the things you're doing with a different emotional state. And, if at all possible, try to avoid firing the John and Lost Love networks as much. I know - that's impossible but give it a try. Like maybe say, ok, I am going to take five minutes to think about him, about Lost Love, and then I'm going to move on and not think about him or Lost Love.

 

Keep trying. Build a discipline about it. And keep exposing yourself to novelty. New things. New experiences. New people. That, and time is the best medicine.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

 

Great post!!! I didn't know about all of what you posted. A little about some of it. But I was going to suggest doing something novel to OP.

 

I remember when I broke up with a past boyfriend, I went to a concert in a great venue that was the type of concert I would not usually go to---it sticks out as a very good memory. It was different and a bit surreal. I think what Mrin is saying is you want to create new neural pathways that are not intertwined with the memory of your guy.

 

Also do something by yourself BY CHOICE it becomes a challenge in a good way, like a little adventure and reminds you of how strong you really are and that you can be fine alone. Sometimes the friend thing can be a lot to take--especially if everyone is wanting the update, wanting to discuss, or right there in front of you HAVE the life you want with their bf/husband (not that they are flaunting it but still it's a fact). Plus you need a new "story". Wouldn't it be great next time you saw your friends to tell them about something new and exciting you did, nothing related to guys or your heartbreak? "Oh did you hear where lovelorn just came back from (ugh, grammar, can't fix it now)?"

 

Road trips can be good too (though you might have to gauge your personality and/or tolerance for that much thinking time). If you are in the right mindset it can be a good thing. A vacation if you can afford it--even a short one--something with activities would help. Don't let your story be the one of wallowing in sadness (even if you understandably are); it just perpetuates that as your storyline to yourself and others.

Edited October 24, 2015 by Versacehottie

[alphamale]

I noticed you put "Loveshack" on your list. LS is not a cure for anything in my opinion.

 

 

Chin up, in the end you'll be fine. Just repeat that to yourself.

[Guyouthere]

add to the list…

 

buy boat, go shark fishing.

bring mad biting shark in boat.

pull anchor and go home.

keep his head to the bow, and feet to yourself.

 

all will be fine.

[J21]

· Yoga

· Meditation

· Positive Affirmations

· Relationship self-help books

· Happify App (supposed to help squash negative thoughts)

· Therapy

· Loveshack

· Exercise (cardio)

· Practicing gratitude

· Long hikes / time in nature

· Savoring little things / being in the moment

· Pampering (facials, shopping, etc.)

· Funny TV shows/movies

· Going out with friends

· Eating clean (daily super smoothies, meat-free days, supplements, etc.)

· Uplifting music

There really isn't a substitute for time. Just gotta keep yourself busy with all of the above until time does it's thing.

 

The funny thing with me is, the more I try to rush it (push myself to get back out there) the longer it takes to fully heal from heartache.

 

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing--but after a relationship ends, just because I'm done moping around doesn't mean I'm ready to meet new people. I know when I'm ready, and I know when I'm not. Time is the only steady remedy that has yielded good results in my experience.

[Lovelorn00]

Oh, LL ... if I could give you a really big hug right now, I would.

 

Listen girl.

 

It's OKAAAAAYYYYY to take time.

 

I don't see anyone around here with a stopwatch, keeping track to see how long you take to get over this guy. I know I certainly am not, and if I ever gave that impression, forgive me.

 

Sometimes the shortest relationships can make a HUGE impact. Years ago I met a guy in a bar (I know, right?) and we ended up talking and flirting all night. At the end of it, he gave me his number and email address. I asked him out again, he reschedule, and when I met him for coffee, he told me he really liked me, but that he couldn't keep seeing me because he was already seeing someone. I was DEVASTATED. The depth of feeling I had for this guy were not at all in line for the amount of time I knew him, but boy did it hurt.

 

Another example, a couple of years ago, when I was up to my eyeballs in OLD, I went out three times with this one guy—3 TIMES. On our last "date" we had a hot and heavy make out shesh by his car in front of my house. OMG, I was head over heels for this guy. I just thought he was THE ONE. I can't explain why, other than our values and interests and personalities aligned in such a way that he really made me excited. But then about a week later he let me know that he just wasn't in a place to be dating (it's not you; it's me, etc.). Again, I took it really, really hard. He and I have come out the other side of that as friends, incidentally.

 

I'm over them both now, but I fell harder, and had a harder time getting over them than I did "relationships" that lasted three-, four-times as long.

 

Bottom-line, you just never know how it's going to effect you until it's over.

 

I think for you, especially with this guy, you're feeling more than just the loss of him. I think you've been doing a lot of thinking and processing about how you are in relationships in general, and it goes much deeper than this guy you had feelings for. You have a lot to process, so again, it's OK to take time.

 

You are SO HARD ON YOURSELF. You are literally your own worst enemy sometimes, and I say that tenderly. Be gentle with yourself, not always such a marshal of self-improvement. Yes, relationship books and meditation and exercise are great, but if you're doing them only so that you'll hopefully feel better about things, it's all the wrong reasons to be doing them.

 

Don't worry right now about "getting over." Just let yourself be. Feel feelings when they come to you. Cry when you need to, throw a book across the room when you need to, have a good laugh when you need. It's been six weeks, and I still spontaneously sob over my breakup, and probably will for a while now; my therapist and I are getting into a whole bunch of conversations; and I feel like never dating again at the moment. These are all part of the grieving process. Let yourself go there, it'll be OK I promise.

 

Thanks, losangelena. This means a lot. I guess I just feel so silly, because it was so short. But like you, something just clicked between he and I. Sparks and fireworks and all that jazz. He was the first guy in a very long time (years) that made me weak when he kissed me. That doesn't come along often.

 

I was telling a friend of mine the other day about how much dating sucks. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack, and then when you finally find that needle, he bails. The idea of getting BACK into that haystack makes me wanna vomit. It's so exhausting!

 

I did break down on Saturday. I went to a wedding that night, and I was surrounded by a lot of people I know. The venue was beautiful, and many of them kept making jokes about "when I finally get married" it should be at that venue. Another friend and his wife kept asking for stories about my latest "dating disasters" and some random woman and her husband kept trying to talk me into a three-way. It was just too much. I was overwhelmed. So, I cried myself to sleep that night, and I'm okay with that.

[Lovelorn00]

Well "put in the work" still has an underlying theme that something is "wrong" with you, like I commented about in your other thread. Nothing's wrong with you. You're hard on yourself. If you feel like something is wrong with you, of course that will make moments of feeling bad feel worse, last for longer and feel that they are unsurmountable. Fridays are going to be harder and the weekend when you are going through something like this. Also I know it seemed like he was fading, is it over for sure OR are you just jumping to worst case scenario? Feels like you have a tendency to jump the gun in that direction, which is never going to feel good and usually becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy.

 

Do something action-oriented even if it is at home. Go buy a fiction book to read or watch a movie at home or out alone. Make an event that would normally be a time killer/slightly meh as just the right level activity and distraction for you tonight. Good luck

 

I am hard on myself, but I feel like I need to be. There are things about myself that I don't like, so "putting in the work" means changing them. It means becoming a better version of myself so that I can get to a place of true, unconditional self-love. Working out, meditation, etc. I want to come out of this a better person than I was before I went into it. That requires a lot of work.

 

I've been doing some things like you mentioned above. I'm really into scary movies, so this being October is perfect. That's what I ended up doing last Friday night. They're all over TV. I also took myself out to dinner the other night. Sat behind a couple who wouldn't stop making out, but it didn't phase me. Haha That's a good sign, right?

[Lovelorn00]

Well "put in the work" still has an underlying theme that something is "wrong" with you, like I commented about in your other thread. Nothing's wrong with you. You're hard on yourself. If you feel like something is wrong with you, of course that will make moments of feeling bad feel worse, last for longer and feel that they are unsurmountable. Fridays are going to be harder and the weekend when you are going through something like this. Also I know it seemed like he was fading, is it over for sure OR are you just jumping to worst case scenario? Feels like you have a tendency to jump the gun in that direction, which is never going to feel good and usually becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy.

 

Do something action-oriented even if it is at home. Go buy a fiction book to read or watch a movie at home or out alone. Make an event that would normally be a time killer/slightly meh as just the right level activity and distraction for you tonight. Good luck

 

Sorry, I forgot to respond to the other part of your post. No – neither one of us has made any definitive declaration that things are officially over, but I know that’s what’s going on. This is how it usually happens.

I haven’t heard from him in a few days, and he hasn’t gone out of his way to make plans with me for a while, so I know what’s up.

[katiegrl]

I am very sorry Lovelorn... ((hugs))

 

 

While I wasn't holding out much hope based on his actions; a part of me was still hoping it might work out in the end -- and that maybe he did just need a little space.

 

 

In any event, are you still keeping in touch with him? Cause I know from experience, the fastest way to move on is to have ZERO CONTACT.

 

 

I realize that is the last thing you want to do...but seriously, this is what truly moving on requires...

 

 

So I hope you are doing that -- whether you had to block, delete, change your number, or all of the above.

 

 

Not to punish him but for YOU -- so you can move on quicker.

 

 

Again, I am so sorry this didn't work out.....

[losangelena]

Thanks, losangelena. This means a lot. I guess I just feel so silly, because it was so short. But like you, something just clicked between he and I. Sparks and fireworks and all that jazz. He was the first guy in a very long time (years) that made me weak when he kissed me. That doesn't come along often.

 

I was telling a friend of mine the other day about how much dating sucks. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack, and then when you finally find that needle, he bails. The idea of getting BACK into that haystack makes me wanna vomit. It's so exhausting!

 

I did break down on Saturday. I went to a wedding that night, and I was surrounded by a lot of people I know. The venue was beautiful, and many of them kept making jokes about "when I finally get married" it should be at that venue. Another friend and his wife kept asking for stories about my latest "dating disasters" and some random woman and her husband kept trying to talk me into a three-way. It was just too much. I was overwhelmed. So, I cried myself to sleep that night, and I'm okay with that.

 

Hey, I get it. I have ZERO desire to date right now, and I think the key there is to wait until it does not make you want to vomit. My roommate did OLD whilst just having the worst attitude about it, and she had a sh*tty time—I wonder why!

 

And by the way, no offense but your friends sound kind of a$$y. "Joking" about when you get married, or wanting to be entertained by your "dating disasters?" Please, what smug marrieds, as Bridget Jones likes to call them—how lame. I hope you know that you're allowed to politely shut down that kind of talk (or impolitely, for that matter). It's fine if it makes them feel like *********s, 'cause that's what they're being.