Moving on?

[welshman79]

Hello everyone,

I just wonder if some of you could perhaps give me some advice and guidance as I am struggling after breaking-up with my girlfriend (this happened this morning)...

We met 6 months ago after I came back from a holiday in New York. We had met online while I had been relaxing in my hostel as the weather was miserable that afternoon and began to communicate.

We met when I got home and she seemed lovely...kind, non-judgemental, easy to get on with etc.

 

As a bit of background - she had gone through surgery for her ankle a year before after falling and ripping her ligaments off. She was suffering with Chronic Pain Syndrome? and after a few months of being together she began taking some medication to counter it.

 

By this time, we had talked about being together and were thinking of making plans for the future. Both of us were very happy. However, after these few months her behaviour began to change. She had a very high-powered job as a managing director and had run her own business too. I saw that she began to be very patronising towards me on occasions, making sarcastic comments and at times (this happened about 4-5 times at least) was very verbally abusive to me (using bad language, telling me to go back to my ex's etc.)...She would be very upset and sorry when it happened, however these incidents happened again like I have said. She told me it was her medication and she wanted to come off them...however the doctor said he didn't think it was a good idea. I also felt she began a little possessive as I was doing a LOT of travelling back and forth to see her...sometimes driving near enough at midnight after doing a long day in work and college afterwards...if I was not there on time and late she would be very moody. I began to found this draining but tried to shrug it off.

 

This past few weeks we had been thinking of moving in together and going forward in the relationship when I began to become convicted that I needed to end things. I guess I had tried to shrug off what had gone on, but deep down I realised that after a number of very difficult relationships (involving threats, mental health issues etc.) that I didn't want to perhaps put myself through breaking-up in the future once we had moved on to the next stage.

 

When I told her I wanted to break-up she was obviously very upset. I found it extremely hard as I am not a person who ever wants to hurt anyone (today has been horrible in work trying to work with the kids when my mind has been elsewhere)...I feel absolutely exhausted. I have had texts from her wanting more answers and have said that I felt the behaviour was too much for me to handle...Since then I just looked up the medication she is on and there is not much on there which suggests this medication is known for causing mood swings. That in one way has made me feel a little better.

 

At the moment, she is continuing to try and text even though I have told her my reasons. She is sending emotive messages about me being uncaring, heartless etc. so I am thinking is turning my phone off for the night the best thing for me to do? I feel utterly exhausted with what has happened...it has been a draining few months and while I know I have done the right thing, I really do feel awful for hurting her.

 

Your advice would be very much appreciated.

Edited October 23, 2015 by welshman79

[Downtown]

She told me it was her medication.

Welshman, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. If you feel comfortable sharing it with us, what is the name of her medication?

 

There is not much on there which suggests this medication is known for causing mood swings.

Do these mood swings come on gradually, over a period of two weeks -- or, rather, do they occur in less than a minute, being triggered by some minor thing you say or do? Also, do you see most of these 18 Warning Signs occurring strongly?

[sandylee1]

You did the right thing by ending it. Save yourself the heartache later on. You do not want to be with a woman who looks down on you and does not show you respect.

 

Medication can't be used as an excuse for everything in life and people need to own their behaviour. I suggest you block her number for now and go totally no contact.

 

Another thing.......get to know a woman for longer than 6 months before you live together. I would go with a minimum of one year.

[NoMoreJerks]

My ex broke up with me for similar reasons. I had never done this sort of thing before with any man. I have no idea why I did the constant fight-picking, etc. Part of it was stress with my life/unhappy with where I was in my life, etc., but also part of it was, I think, that I felt very unappreciated, like I was being taken for granted, that I was running around trying to pass his, his son's, his friends' "tests" and that I wasn't really getting much love out of the relationship in the first place, to make it worthwhile. I loved him with all my heart, which meant I couldn't break up with him. I tried, but it only lasted a few seconds, after which I'd break down and cry and ask for him to forgive me for trying to break up with him. I think subconsciously, I wanted to get a reaction out of him, as a way to show myself that he cared, that he was serious about me, that he wanted me to stay in his life, that he valued me enough to make some effort to keep me in his life. I still don't know why I did any of this. But I am just guessing. I did it and he broke up with me, then came begging, having regretted. I promised him that I wouldn't do the same thing again, but 3 weeks later, the same pattern started again. But this time, there was an actual incident that led to it : his friends refusing to see me and imposing that he see them without inviting me (basically, it means that he was gonna do dinners every week with his friends, and I wouldn't be invited -- I felt left out). I didn't mind him spending alone-time with friends (they are women, by the way, on top of that!!), but if the reason was that I wasn't welcome, then that was difficult to grapple with/accept. His friends put him in an unenviable position, of having to pick between them and me, and he has limited time to see me (as he has joint custody of his son, works day and night for the other 3 days of the week), which meant that he would either see me or his friends. He did make efforts to find time for me after our reconciliation, but I was still unhappy with the fact that I would be left out, and there were no signs that his friends would relent in their refusal to see me (no idea why they snubbed me, because before our first break-up, we used to hang out without any problems). Eventually, I guess I gave him so much grief that he broke up with me again, this time seems for good -- he told me he chose his friends over me. I felt that was a jerk move, because it wasn't me who had created the whole problem in the first place, even though I hadn't handled it in as mature a fashion as I should've.

 

I don't know the details of your relationship. Maybe stuff like this happened. Maybe she felt unappreciated (you mention that she got possessive). I was more laid back when I started dating my ex, because we were still trying to impress each other, and so, even if not seeing him often bothered me,I let go of the bad feelings instead of brooding on them, and plus, it wasn't as bad, because he, too, wanted to impress me, and so made more of an effort. Whereas a year into the relationship, my expectations were higher, I was more comfortable to express my unhappiness, and he was also in a comfort zone which meant he was making less of an effort. *shrug* Maybe there's an element of that at play in your case? Personally, I am someone who is not very good telling someone that she is unhappy, because I have emotions vested in the man, and I am afraid that if I say that, he would just say, maybe we are not compatible if I can't make you happy, and therefore, we must break up. So on some subconscious level, I wanted to get him to care, to show me that he cared, and maybe that's what the bickering was about. It was counterproductive, and showed me that he didn't care much to fight for me, which made things worse.. snowball effect. Also, having endured being toyed with by my previous ex who was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and who cheated on me on top of that (and I had taken him back 3 times before finding out about the cheating), I just felt like I was quicker to reach the boiling point (in terms of anger) and I felt like I couldn't let things reach that point where I would be manipulated and abused and taken for a ride. I felt like he was using me and didn't really care much for me, didn't really love me, etc., just like my other ex.

Edited October 24, 2015 by NoMoreJerks