phalgal Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Hello all! I am new here and am hoping I can get a little advice on how to break up with my boyfriend. I have read a lot of threads on here that are complaining about the way their bf/gf broke up with them and I don't want to make the same mistakes. I am in my late 30's and have never actually had to break up with someone, my last two relationships ended when I found out they were cheating on me. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over two years and we met on an online dating site. He is a perfectly nice person but lately I have been realizing that I don't really like him like I should. I think the main problem for me is that he doesn't talk very much. If I don't do the talking we sit in silence. At first I didn't think it was too much of an issue since I am fairly chatty. But now I am wondering if his lack of communication has been preventing me from creating any sort of attachment to him. He has never even told me he loves me. In the past I have asked him if even likes me that much and he acted like I was nuts for having doubts. But how exactly would I know that if he barely talks? Over the course of our relationship I have tried talking to him about this problem but he just shrugs it off and says that he is quiet and that he told me that at the beginning of our relationship. I know I should of ended things when I noticed it was bothering me. I totally understand that I am at fault for letting this relationship drag on for as long as it has. He lives about an hour away from me and we have conflicting work schedules so we only see each other once a week. So it has been pretty easy for me deal with how things are between us since we aren't together that often. But now I am starting to dread seeing him and phone conversations are getting painful. I really feel terrible about breaking up with him but I feel like I am being cruel by letting this go for as long as it has. I know how it feels to have your heart broke and I hate that I have to do this to someone. I realize that no matter how I approach it he will be hurt and upset. I just mainly would like a few pointers since I've never had to do this before.... Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I apologize if this was too long or confusing. It's hard to summarize all my issues into a few paragraphs so I just focused on my main problem.
sirbeardly85 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I'd have a serious conversation with him and tell him that him not talking to you is a huge problem, tell him that if he doesnt change that, then you're leaving. My gf just broke up with me for almost the same reasons. We lived an hour away, different work schedules, only saw each other once a week. But I lost my grandfather in july and started getting quite, not speaking much, and then lost my brother at the beginning of the month and she broke up with me a week later over text.
EO422 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 You just need to tell him and that it that. Tell him why etc. tell him you tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn't listen. I am not too sure what to tell you, it's gunna suck for both of you. You need to do it asap tho so this man can get on with his life and find someone who actually loves him, and same for you. You need to pick back up and find someone else as well who meets your needs. If you wanna give him another chance that is up to you. Just don't break up with him like my gf did to me. She was horrible, started ignoring me and crying and was shying away from me. Then she pushed me to break up with her, only choice I had if I wanted to save my dignity. I was heart broken by what she did to me. She just couldn't break up with me tho, she was too scared she was making a mistake and too scared of saying it. So I had to do it. Pathetic I tell ya. So just tell him, be honest. Tell him WHY..so that in his next relationship he doesn't make the same mistake. If you let him go without telling him then that is cruel, because he will never be able to learn and work on what he did wrong
Author phalgal Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Thank you both for your advice.
d0nnivain Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 If you specify exact reasons, it's only fair to give him some time to correct the behavior you don't like. To dump him without telling him that his not talking is a problem for you when it may be fixable doesn't seem fair. If after a while the behavior doesn't improve, then you quietly & calmly sit him down. Tell him that this is not working for you. That you are too different & that you have incompatible expectations. You don't yell, scream, accuse or cause drama. You let him vent but you stand firm. When I am the dumper I don't immediately go NC on someone. I certainly don't reach out for them but I will listen as they vent but only for a few minutes (< 10) before I say something along the lines of you know why we broke up. I don't enjoy hurting you but us being apart is for the best. I think a little compassion goes a long way. It's never easy on either side of a BU 1
Author phalgal Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 If you specify exact reasons, it's only fair to give him some time to correct the behavior you don't like. To dump him without telling him that his not talking is a problem for you when it may be fixable doesn't seem fair. If after a while the behavior doesn't improve, then you quietly & calmly sit him down. Tell him that this is not working for you. That you are too different & that you have incompatible expectations. You don't yell, scream, accuse or cause drama. You let him vent but you stand firm. When I am the dumper I don't immediately go NC on someone. I certainly don't reach out for them but I will listen as they vent but only for a few minutes (< 10) before I say something along the lines of you know why we broke up. I don't enjoy hurting you but us being apart is for the best. I think a little compassion goes a long way. It's never easy on either side of a BU Thank you so much for the reply. I totally understand what you are saying about giving him time to correct the problem. The issue I am having is that I have pretty much lost all the feelings I used to have for him. I'm not sure if it is because of the communication issue or not but that was my best guess. And I have talked to him about my problem with his lack of talking many, many times but he has told me that he is quiet and that is just how he is. I understand breaking up won't be easy no matter how I approach it. I just wanted to make sure I had a few pointers going into it.
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Whatever you do, be honest. The best way to hit someone where it hurts is to lie to them and treat them like children. And he'll know the truth anyway, so just be straight up.
d0nnivain Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 The issue I am having is that I have pretty much lost all the feelings I used to have for him. If you lost all feelings for him, tell him that. Use the cliches like this isn't working for me anymore; it's me not you & I don't know what happened but I no longer have feelings for you. Make sure he understands it's not something he can fix so he doesn't try. You want to be sensitive but firm.
mightycpa Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) I think that you've already waited too long... both to fix things and to bring up your misgivings, not about the talking, but the relationship as a whole. I think this is typical... most people sit on the relationship problems until they can't stand it anymore. Then BOOM! That's you guys. Normal. The worst breakup I'd ever been through was when I was blindsided. From what I read, a lot of people go through the same kind of reaction that I did. It feels like a combination of loss, shock, rejection, betrayal and more, all at once. It's really horrible, and I don't know if it would have been easier if I'd understood the problems, but it could not have been any worse. So my advice would be to avoid that. Given that he's not a talker, you can probably shortcut the length of time simply by trying to have a conversation, even if it is over the phone. By definition, "not a talker" means uncommunicative, so this is helpful to you, and it will probably be instructive to him after the fact. So, on Monday for example, you'd call him up and tell him that you've been feeling funny about the relationship. Explain the introductory things you explained her, and ask for his reaction. After he spits out his terse assessment, sit in uncomfortable silence for a minute or two, it will help drive home the point. Have these conversations daily, explaining what you want in someone, and contrast that with what he gives you. Some of it can be good too, it doesn't all have to be negative. Basically, these series of conversations is in essence an executive summary of your relationship. Be open to hear some things about yourself that are not so great. The idea is not to pinpoint a cause, but rather to get him to recognize that the end is coming. You're easing him into it. A week is probably not long enough... three weeks would be ideal, but like I said earlier, you've probably waited too long. He's going to feel like he stepped on a train and he can't control where it goes. It's just going to go a little slower than a blindside. But a week should get him thinking in the right direction. But don't break up. If he asks if you want to break up, say something like "I'm not there yet. I'm just trying to share what's on my mind with you." This will be a very difficult extended conversation for a guy who is the way you describe. He may even be relieved when you hang up. They don't have to be very long, by the way, maybe 30 - 60 minutes, and let him know you'll call the next day, and do it. By the end of the week, the handwriting should have appeared on the wall. Then break up in person, in no uncertain terms. Explain to him that you'll be happy to answer some questions if he wants to ask, but that you won't entertain any requests for sex or reconciliation. Tell him that if it helps him, you're willing to refrain from calling him. While this isn't perfect, when he reflects upon your conversations, he should be able to see himself, and if he's a reasonable person, he'll feel like you gave him a fair shake, and you didn't waste his time in the end. That's all you can really offer him, even if everybody already knows the outcome except for him. Edited October 26, 2015 by mightycpa
angel.eyes Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 If you lost all feelings for him, tell him that. Use the cliches like this isn't working for me anymore; it's me not you & I don't know what happened but I no longer have feelings for you. Make sure he understands it's not something he can fix so he doesn't try. You want to be sensitive but firm. Agreed! The bottom line is you've lost feelings for him and you're ending the relationship. Focus on sharing that in a firm but compassionate manner. Please don't give him a laundry list of reasons why he was inadequate in the relationship. That's kicking him when he's already down, in an effort to make yourself feel less guilty. Telling someone it was his flaws also sends the message that if he were to fix those things, the relationship would continue. That's misleading...and ultimately cruel when he makes numerous changes and tries to keep things going all to no avail. Right now, you dread seeing him for dates. The relationship is dead. Don't give him the illusion that he can salvage this and drag things out unnecessarily. Finally, there is someone for almost everyone. We all come in different flavors and have different preferences. Like you, I need a guy who is communicative and shares. But not all women are like that. Read these boards long enough and you'll see a wide spectrum of preferences. Neither of you is wrong or right in your relationship style, you're just not right for each other. He needs to find a woman who appreciates the silent type and is a better fit for him. Moving forward, you need to look for more communicative, open guys to date.
JADIE Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 The issue I am having is that I have pretty much lost all the feelings I used to have for him. I'm not sure if it is because of the communication issue or not but that was my best guess. Personally, I have GOT to have 2-way communication with a partner in order to maintain the feelings of connectedness, so I can absolutely see how you've come to this point. If you still had some remnant of feelings, I'd suggest couples counseling to help you both come to a compromise of some sort. But honestly, do you really see any future with him? I think I'd bring that point up...that you need more talking to feel connected and can't see the relationship progressing without it. You need to define what you want for your life and if he's never going to fit that picture, you need to let him go find a woman that's perfectly happy & fulfilled with a very low level of conversation. Neither one of you is wrong....just wrong for each other.
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