Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Thought I would start one that was actually on topic... So how much time/ how many dates/ type of activities etc you should be doing together before the talk?
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 At least a month. I always had a 12 date rule. Some may say it's game playing but I needed some measure to reign myself in. I required 12 dates before thinking about sex & exclusivity. If I really liked the guy I'd "cheat" on the number & count it if he gave me flowers, introduced me to his family or if we went out on a holiday as a "date". Mostly it was a way of forcing me to take my time & get to know the guy I'm not saying I never had sex earlier but I can say I never gave my heart away earlier & I certainly never jumped into an exclusive relationship faster. 3
kgcolonel Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I agree with "D" above...pacing one's own emotions is critical. Going all in and getting ahead of the other party can not only lead to heartache but also undermine a potentially long-term relationship. I like setting a number and maybe even a "mandatory non cheating number" and a "recommended number". I am not a good example of this in that after two failed engagements in college, met my wife of 32 years and were engaged in 3 weeks and married 6 months later. There are surprises that we have learned but relationships, love and M are commitments and it is a choice as to staying committed to the other party. 1
Author Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Interesting. I think in the UK we are quicker to assume "exclusivity". Once I find someone I like, I tend to just date that person and invest my time in that person until I know which way its going. While I am dating (in my terms getting to know someone) at the moment and I have stopped all contact with others I do not in any way see myself as dating "exclusively" even though I guess theoretically I am... Its only been 2 dates. Both fantastic but already as I have said I have backed out of any other potentials. One potential is still hanging about and wants me to contact him if things don't work out but I have told him that I don't want to meet him at the moment because it would just feel "wrong". He was fine with that... While I did get myself into a pickle over the second date - right now I feel calm and content. If he walks away or cancels I am fine with that. If all goes as planned - great! 2
Gaeta Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 All my exclusive relationship the topic was addressed after 3 dates by the man. To me exclusivity is just that, we're dating each other. It's not a commitment, it's not a legal contract, and it doesn't mean I will take you to family Sunday night dinners. Our exclusivity is simply to concentrate on each other to see if anything can develop. That exclusivity can be undone as easily as it was done. After 3 dates is good and under 2 months. I would never in my life invest more than 2 months in a man without being exclusive. 3
phineas Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 using an arbitrary number is setting yourself up for failure. exclusive = sex. period. exclusive <> relationship. for a relationship I have a checklist. 1. no drama. 2. i would only consider a relationship with an above average woman. These types of women have a long list of suitors and ex's when those ex's and orbiters hit her up looking to get with her she tells them to take a hike. 3. treats me as good as I treat her should go without saying. 4. GOOD sex. from being exclusive. 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 135.332 or 27.23 months. Gotta be sure! 3
menyou Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 using an arbitrary number is setting yourself up for failure. exclusive = sex. period. exclusive <> relationship. for a relationship I have a checklist. 1. no drama. 2. i would only consider a relationship with an above average woman. These types of women have a long list of suitors and ex's when those ex's and orbiters hit her up looking to get with her she tells them to take a hike. 3. treats me as good as I treat her should go without saying. 4. GOOD sex. from being exclusive. Wait, why would a woman that has many ex's be good relationship material?
Author Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 135.332 or 27.23 months. Gotta be sure! So is it 135.332 or 27.23 months? Do I have to count the hours as well or is days OK???
DivorcedDad123 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Not the hours,just the minutes! And, it's 135.332 dates or 27.23 months. Adulting is hard this time of morning.
Author Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Not the hours,just the minutes! And, it's 135.332 dates or 27.23 months. Adulting is hard this time of morning. Thats 4.9699596 dates a month... Just over 1 a week for 2 1/4 years.... Damn... I want to be having sex with this guy before that!!! 1
Guyouthere Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 As much time as it takes to get her into handcuffs and gag her. lol Then you can tell her "we are exclusive" as she stares at you with her wide open eyes and kicks and attempts to scream for help.
DivorcedDad123 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I can't believe you actually DID the math! Ha!! And,nobody said you had to wait that long for sex! Just exclusiveness.
Author Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I can't believe you actually DID the math! Ha!! And,nobody said you had to wait that long for sex! Just exclusiveness. Hey your the one who suggested it!!! I quite fancy Guyouthere's suggestion. How about this weekend I hit him over the head with a club carry him back to my cave and inform him that we are now exclusive because I have the key to those cuffs he is wearing in my pocket... I don't want to sleep with him if he is sleeping with others... 1
BluEyeL Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I don't know, I didn't really have a rule, and in time I got tired of multidating and I was actually only dating one guy at a time, but I'd still keep in contact with one or two so I can keep emotionally detached a bit. Earlier in my journey I would multidate until a guy would ask me to be exclusive, which didn't really happen a lot, usually they didn't work out early-ish on. But after a while, i simply didn't want to go out so much so I tended to date less guys at the same time, one, max two, sometimes there was some overlap. I think it's not really wise to become emotionally attached at date 2 and tell the others you're not available simply because this attitude can lead to more hurt, and danger of become clingy/insecure. Even if I only dated that guy I wouldn't consider myself "exclusive" just yet. With my boyfriend, we were exclusive technically from the beginning due to me being tired, but it wasn't officially said until 2 months in. After 2 months, I told a guy that kept calling me that I just became exclusive with someone. And after that I still had exes coming back and I'd tell them I'm not available. Before that, I still talked to them, although I didn't meet them.
pcs13 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Exclusive, it depends on how I feel about the guy.I can normally tell if I just want to see someone only after 5 or 6 dates but I would still keep texting other guys until that person confirm me he is not seeing anyone else. To be in a relationship is different, normally after 3-6 months I will have the talk with him about that. Around that time I try not to make myself get too attached and get to know him as much as possible. Dating exclusively to me is like having a free trial.
Guyouthere Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Hey your the one who suggested it!!! I quite fancy Guyouthere's suggestion. How about this weekend I hit him over the head with a club carry him back to my cave and inform him that we are now exclusive because I have the key to those cuffs he is wearing in my pocket... I don't want to sleep with him if he is sleeping with others... Les go. My cave is nearby. I just have to feed Dino and stop at the quarry real fast. har har har
Author Toodaloo Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I think it's not really wise to become emotionally attached at date 2 and tell the others you're not available simply because this attitude can lead to more hurt, and danger of become clingy/insecure. Even if I only dated that guy I wouldn't consider myself "exclusive" just yet. With my boyfriend, we were exclusive technically from the beginning due to me being tired, but it wasn't officially said until 2 months in. After 2 months, I told a guy that kept calling me that I just became exclusive with someone. And after that I still had exes coming back and I'd tell them I'm not available. Before that, I still talked to them, although I didn't meet them. As you know Blu I was in bit of a pickle just before date 2. Then we had a mix up. Now I just feel calm and relaxed. I am not overly bothered if he does go off. Yes I will be upset but its not the end of the world. The other guy knows that its early days and I would just feel a bit weird about it. He is the same as me in that he prefers one at a time so he is happy to sit back and wait and if he is single and the guy I am dating goes off then he would love to take me out. We are going to vaguely keep in touch. I just have no interest in dating others right now. While I am not thinking of bells and hats etc, heck I am only as far as, would he like to go to this pub for supper or perhaps see such and such show... that and I am imagining him naked!!! But thaht is as far as I am right now. I am tired of multidating and I hate doing it... 1
Guyouthere Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 seriously though,,,,, it should be VERY obvious by at least a few months of dating/spending time together/interacting to realize whether or not you want to be exclusive. Many of you know my story… I/we got to that point based a lot on thousands of hours of talking. Yes there is more to it, but you would think that you know someone after that much interaction at all hours of the day/night and all situations they are in and how they handle them. Someone who is out to deceive you simply can't keep up the intensity of that for months on end. But then again, maybe they can if they don't even realize they are. I was married 15 years and still never knew my wife, even when I (at least) was exclusive. The point here is that "exclusivity" is really just a label. The other can cheat at any time, and "exclusivity" can also mean "you stick around for me while I play you".
Xiomn Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I mean it's too hard to just pinpoint a time really, as a load of BS this sounds I think it depends on a lot of factors, how often do you date/hangout, how many times have you slept over at their place, how long are you together when you do hangout/go on dates, have you had sex, how far/fast/slow is the relationship between you both progressing, everyone progresses at different paces. Someone might say 3 weeks but one couple might have spent an extraordinary long amount of time with each other over those 3 weeks and might know each other extremely well enough to make that next move, whereas a different couple might have spent considerably less time together and it might have not progressed as fast and need more time to get to know each other. This is personally why I think I have decided when people say to you "that isn't enough time, wait a little longer you can't possibly know that person enough by this point" etc is a load of BS because THEY do not know your circumstances at all and anyone who argues otherwise is just plain wrong. The fact of the matter is only you know when you feel it's the right time to make such decisions to progress the relationship further and bring up that question with your other half. Another thing to note is I think answers will depend largely on age, I'm going to assume that younger people will more than likely be comfortable with progressing the relationship much quicker than those who are older (let's say within the first month or so) compared to older which I'm going to say are more than likely those people who feel the need to wait several months before making any sort of progression.
Maggie4 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well, you can't have sex until you're exclusive. So... it depends on how much two people want to get to that point. When you rush into exclusivity, it doesn't hold. 1
Xiomn Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well, you can't have sex until you're exclusive. So... it depends on how much two people want to get to that point. When you rush into exclusivity, it doesn't hold. Yes you can, what are you on about? Is there some sort of magical barrier preventing it because I haven't experienced such a thing. 2
DivorcedDad123 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well, you can't have sex until you're exclusive. That's the rub though. How do you know you want to be exclusive if you don't know if you're sexually compatible? I don't even buy shoes without trying them on.
BluEyeL Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well, you can't have sex until you're exclusive. That's the rub though. How do you know you want to be exclusive if you don't know if you're sexually compatible? I don't even buy shoes without trying them on. I think it depends on one's attitude about sex. I'm hearing this argument a lot, but personally I wasn't about to "try" everyone I dated, sorry, no can't do. Being exclusive doesn't mean we got married anyway. Just that we want to get to know each other better. Exclusively. Not sleep with different people at the same time. Gross! If I we are getting to know each other well before sex and sex is bad after, it is a risk that I personally am willing to take, if faced with the choice to either sleep with a lot of men vs. risk this. I also think that two people who care about each other want to please each other and are close enough emotionally, can communicate about what they need in bed and make sex work with a higher probability than two people who are strangers. It didn't go too bad for me personally doing it this way. My ex-husband waited one year for sex (20 years ago) and sex was great in the marriage. The current guy 3 months and sex is awesome. I did wait one month with a previous bf, that I ended up only dating for 3.5 months and he had ED but meh, I'd still do it the same way. Works for me. Maybe not for the men but I don't care about what works for men, like I always say, I try to do things that work for me and it really does work for me not to sleep around too much, if at all possible.
MissBee Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 In my personal experience, with pretty much all my bfs we became exclusive after 3 dates, the 3 dates usually occurred over 2 weeks at least. With all my boyfriends as well, we never really went into dating blindly. That is, even before the first date while we were just in the talking stage they usually brought up that they were looking for something serious with someone, wanted a gf and so they were dating with a purpose. I was on the same page. So we knew that if things went well, it would mean we'd be exclusive and go from there. I much prefer this approach personally as it makes expectations clear from the beginning and it's not just aimlessly seeing someone without knowing what's going on and being afraid to ask. It's much less time wasting and ambiguity and anxiety that way.
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