sasuke Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone, first of all I'd like to thank you to read my first message on this forum. Asked a friend of mine where I could find 'help' and he said you guys helped him out great in the past, so I'll give it a go. I am in a long distance relationship with someone in Paris (I am from nothern Holland, about a 8 hour cardrive, 1 hour by plane). I am 31, she is 7 days younger than me. I met her at the 8th of May, we talked an alot, and I went to visit her in the beginning of July. We agreed that I would stay for a 3 days, but actually I stayed for 2 weeks. In August I was overthere for another 2 weeks, and I've been flying frequently (it is really hard for her to get more than a day off at work, and all of her vacation days were spent before she met me). There is one problem in this relationship of which I am aware. In the past I have always been the conservative monogamous guy, only thing she had was open relationships (she dated a guy for 7 years, that relationship wasn't going well at all, so she felt comfortable with sleeping with other men). I have told her from the beginning that I would never be okay which such a relationship, and she told me like 30 times (because I asked the same question for 30 times) that it is no problem whatsoever, that she loves me. Well, we got off really serious straight away actually. She first told me she would move to holland next summer, than she said february, than she said this Christmass Holiday. She says that she has let her work know (a work she doesn't really like) that she was quitting and told her houseboss the same, by 20 december she cuts all strings with Paris and gets ready for me to pick her up). Now, where does this all go wrong? In the past I had a very very violent and toxic relationship. My girlfriend back then cheated on me a numerous times and was physically abusive to me. I am a 2 meter tall guy, and agree that I shouldn't have let the ex do all that to me. Nonetheless I still have trustissues, about the most minor things. And I also agree the fact that for me it is probably too early for a relationship, and a long distance thing is definitely not what's perfect in my situation. Anyway, we still talk alot (3-4 hours of skype a day). But what concerns me is the fact, in the past we talked when she is on the tram to work (it takes her 40 minutes or something). We did the same when she comes back home. But now, she doesn't tough her phone anymore whenever she is going or coming back to work. Nothing. So I wonder what she is doing then. I asked her and she said she just looked out of the window and woke up.. but in the past she was on Facebook every single minute during that tramride, so I don't understand. I'm lost, I love her, she says she loves me but I have no idea whether she's completely honest with me. She doesn't share anything about the people she talks to, hardly any talk about her friends and when I checked our condom package last time I was there, there were 2 condoms missing. She said they must be in a closet somewhere and got mad straight away, so I dropped the talk. At the moment I am looking for a house for her, and give her time to get to know my society and the language, by that I mean that I agree with the fact that she can just move, and stay home until she is ready to work. How do I know whether I can trust her? How can I find out? Because to be honest, I don't know whether I can still trust someone's words. I decided for myself, if she truly moves, she must love me. But how do I get past this time of uncertainty for the next 2 months (till she moves?). We will see eachother every 2 weeks now, since I booked all those flights till x-mas holiday. Thank you, and sorry for this big piece of text. Edited October 23, 2015 by sasuke
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Trust is a fickle thing. Without going to extraordinary measures, you can never know if someone is being honest with you. Almost everything in life is a gamble, except death & taxes. There's no easy answers. I wouldn't support her, other than helping her move. Don't pay her way. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 That is a tough one and unfortunately you'll never be 100% certain of anything when it comes to relationships. To honest, the missing condoms and her reaction seems very suspicious but what do I know. I will say that the French tend to have a much more laissez-faire approach to sex and monogamy. I'm not excusing what she did in her past relationships especially if it goes against your own principals but if it's how things are done in her culture it isn't fair to fault her on that alone. How she behaves in YOUR relationship will be the deciding factor at the end of the day. Once again, actions will speak volumes. By the way, how is she going to provide for herself once she moves to Holland? Does she have a job lined up? Who is paying her rent? Does she have savings she's planning to live off until she's settled? Whatever the answers I'm going to echo what CB said that is DO NOT PAY HER WAY on anything! Finally, I'm sorry you've had some really horrible experiences with past relationships but you need to find a way to sort that stuff out because it will continue to haunt you and affect every relationship you have in the future. Your fears and insecurities are YOUR issue, not hers and you must make peace with the past realizing that this woman is not your ex. At the same time you don't want to be a doormat either. Good luck. 1
Lobouspo Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 The condom thing is a bit troubling I must say. This coupled with the fact that she hasn't been monogamous in past relationships is cause for concern. A lot of people on here will tell you shouldn't judge a person's past, but if a pattern of behavior exists, you can't just assume that it will just stop when you're in the picture. It can be a blurry line from being insecure and jealous to identifying red flags knowing when someone is cheating on you. Back off a little, and I definitely would think twice about the money you're spending on her travel to Holland.
laurah Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 trust is a hard issue to settle. if there is no trust there is no relationship. my ex husband didn't trust me so there was no love. ask her about it again and if you can't trust that she is telling the truth then maybe you have to let her go. that is for you to decide.
Katie2015 Posted October 25, 2015 Posted October 25, 2015 The question you should ask yourself is why you'd want to be with someone you don't fully trust. Why even put yourself through that? You're setting yourself up for misery. if you're sitting here asking yourself, did she use those two condoms? Is she lying to me? Is she going to be monogamous? Then you have a lot of anxiety and fear about this relationship. A relationship is supposed to make you feel safe and secure. If you think you're issues about trust are preventing you from getting to that point with someone, then take some time and work on that for yourself. You'll be glad you did when the right relationship rolls around.
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