Dio castillo Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) It's been 3 months since my ex girlfriend and I broke up-or since she broke up with me, I should say—and I’m miserable. We all understand that breakups meant to be difficult and painful. They’re the inspiration for endless songs and movies. But as it turns out, heartbreak is a feeling you truly don’t know until it happens to you. We’ve heard that “love hurts,” but that’s just a romantic abstraction until you’ve actually spent weeks in your room suffering from insomnia. We imagine that the worst days will be the earliest days, that we will feel progressively better with time. That’s unfortunately not the case. There are good days and bad days. There are moments of total normality followed by sudden, intense waves of sadness that literally weaken the knees. And maybe I’m old to be experiencing my first true heartbreak,I just didn’t think it could be this bad. It now seems ridiculous, I relished the idea that I might be vaguely sociopathic, because at 28, I had yet to feel deep loss or sadness in connection to a romantic relationships. I’m desperately clinging to anyone who can identify with what I’m feeling. I’m a broken record. And while I appreciate my friends for being there for me, none of them has actually made me feel any better. Everyone essentially says the same thing: “ she's not worth it, It better than getting married with her and got divorced afterward .” It’s like: Thanks, guys. . . . I tried to date couple of girls that I met online, all of them pale in comparison with my ex, either they are too self-centered who just like to talk about themselves, or a childish one who is emotional unstable. After I dumped them all, all I felt is emptiness and emptiness. Sometimes I sat at a bar by myself, I just can't stop crying after I heard a sad song. I resisted my urge to have any contact with my ex after my break up, but yesterday I saw she actually has a new boyfriend, realized I could never get back to her again, the guilt I had about hurting her in the pass came back to me like a wave, the insane sinking feeling is coming back at me again. I can barely form a cohesive thought, which means working is basically impossible to me again. One of the things that’s surprised me most about this breakup: what I miss. I don’t so much miss the big, obvious things that one would assume would be the hardest to go without: sex, nights out at the movies. Instead, I obsessed over the smallest, like when we woke up together she said to me be sure to grab a breakfast, or after hang out, she asked me; be sure to miss me, I asked the same in return; she replied; I will always miss you! I missed her to came to my work to have lunch with me, regardless how little time we had to be on our way to work. I felt guilty about not wearing the yellow belt she gave it to me as a gift because I thought the color was ugly. One of the hardest things to get over, for me, has been accepting the fact that the breakup was largely my fault. When we argued, I either walked away or said hurtful things I didn't mean. I suppose these are all pretty standard flaws, but during a breakup you can’t help but relive every mistake you made along the way and wonder whether, if you’d just done one tiny thing differently, it could have all worked out. When someone loves you—and especially when you have the upper hand in the relationship, as I did for most of it—it becomes far too easy to take that love for granted. I think I got to a delusional point where I thought I could make mistake after mistake and that she would never leave me, because, “Duh, it’s me.” Shockingly, this was not the case. One of the hardest things about being dumped is realizing that the person who dumped you probably isn’t suffering as badly as you are. In fact, they might be happier without you, and worse, there might be someone better for them out in the world. That’s really what hurts the most: the prospect that they were right to move on, when for you, they felt like the one. Edited October 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited for formatting ~ V
scooby-philly Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 It's been 3 months since my ex girlfriend and I broke up-or since she broke up with me, I should say—and I’m miserable. We all understand that breakups meant to be difficult and painful. They’re the inspiration for endless songs and movies. But as it turns out, heartbreak is a feeling you truly don’t know until it happens to you. We’ve heard that “love hurts,” but that’s just a romantic abstraction until you’ve actually spent weeks in your room suffering from insomnia. True. I had a fiancee dump me 4 days before our wedding. I was heartbroken for 3-4 months. Even after that, I was not really "dateable" for another 8-9 months. It left me devasted to say the least. SHe was my first serious GF, the first person I had sex with, and the first person I thought who loved me. We imagine that the worst days will be the earliest days, that we will feel progressively better with time. That’s unfortunately not the case. There are good days and bad days. There are moments of total normality followed by sudden, intense waves of sadness that literally weaken the knees. And maybe I’m old to be experiencing my first true heartbreak,I just didn’t think it could be this bad.This is the time to learn not to worry. I know people will tell you to expect better days and that things work out for a reason. I won't give you bull****. Want to know what to do - that's it - just do it. do things! Have a sudden urge to go hiking, rafting, or parasailing. Go and do it. Want to jump in your car and head off to a resort area, rent a huge room and then try and pick up snow bunnies or bikini girls to bring back to the hot tub - do it. Feel like calling out sick from work? Do it. No one's life if perfect. I'm a verbal processor, a planner, and a introvert. Guess what - I'm my own biggest enemy - overthinking, being indecisive, or just plain acting scared. Don't overthink things. Just do it. You won't truly regret it 5-50 years from now! It now seems ridiculous, I relished the idea that I might be vaguely sociopathic, because at 28, I had yet to feel deep loss or sadness in connection to a romantic relationships. I’m desperately clinging to anyone who can identify with what I’m feeling. I’m a broken record. And while I appreciate my friends for being there for me, none of them has actually made me feel any better. Everyone essentially says the same thing: “ she's not worth it, It better than getting married with her and got divorced afterward .” It’s like: Thanks, guys. . . . My friends weren't there for me. It was my fault that she dumped me. My bachelor party got out of hand and some real shenanigans occurred. SUffice to say though, I'm glad she did it. It taught me who little most of my friends cared for me. It showed the 3-4 real friends I had, and my family - while very not perfect, was there to listen and just accept I was in loss mode. And it's true - we forgive those we truly love. And honestly - we only learn the lessons we need to by getting out there, doing things, and making mistakes along the way. I tried to date couple of girls that I met online, all of them pale in comparison with my ex, either they are too self-centered who just like to talk about themselves, or a childish one who is emotional unstable. After I dumped them all, all I felt is emptiness and emptiness. Sometimes I sat at a bar by myself, I just can't stop crying after I heard a sad song. I resisted my urge to have any contact with my ex after my break up, but yesterday I saw she actually has a new boyfriend, realized I could never get back to her again, the guilt I had about hurting her in the pass came back to me like a wave, the insane sinking feeling is coming back at me again. I can barely form a cohesive thought, which means working is basically impossible to me again. Look up the author & psychologist John Bradshaw. His work on families, secrets, and our wounded inner child can be very helpful. Sounds like you're trying to be perfect. Stop! You're a human BEING, not a saint, a human DOING, or a devil. I was in the same boat - I ****ed up a 2 year relationship and got dumped 4 days before the wedding. But I realize in retrospect - she was always angry, she never compromised, she never appreciated all the stuff I did for her, and she never cared about my opinion. And she was about as exciting in bed as a inflated doll. Of course I ended up in a drunk stupor hooking up with a stripper because our sex live was as exciting as a pg movie. Plus, she was also critical of whatever I said or di. Seriously - I'm no saint either - but I deserved to be loved too One of the things that’s surprised me most about this breakup: what I miss. I don’t so much miss the big, obvious things that one would assume would be the hardest to go without: sex, nights out at the movies. Instead, I obsessed over the smallest, like when we woke up together she said to me be sure to grab a breakfast, or after hang out, she asked me; be sure to miss me, I asked the same in return; she replied; I will always miss you! I missed her to came to my work to have lunch with me, regardless how little time we had to be on our way to work. I felt guilty about not wearing the yellow belt she gave it to me as a gift because I thought the color was ugly. Of course you'll miss the little things, you're adjusting from a life with someone to a life with yourself. The issue is to just let the thoughts flow into your head - you can't stop them, and let them flow right out. One of the hardest things to get over, for me, has been accepting the fact that the breakup was largely my fault. When we argued, I either walked away or said hurtful things I didn't mean. I suppose these are all pretty standard flaws, but during a breakup you can’t help but relive every mistake you made along the way and wonder whether, if you’d just done one tiny thing differently, it could have all worked out. When someone loves you—and especially when you have the upper hand in the relationship, as I did for most of it—it becomes far too easy to take that love for granted. I think I got to a delusional point where I thought I could make mistake after mistake and that she would never leave me, because, “Duh, it’s me.” Shockingly, this was not the case. Again, avoid crucifying yourself. You can learn and grow. GOod people change and become better after mistakes. I don't know jack about you. I'm sure you're not perfect. Heck, from what you said it sounds a lot like me when I first started dating- afraid of getting hurt, not being myself, and also not knowing how to compromise and converse - partly because I was with the wrong people. And we all take each other for granted in relationships, families, long time friends - that's why the little things - i miss you, have a good day, was thinking about you - that's why they're important. One of the hardest things about being dumped is realizing that the person who dumped you probably isn’t suffering as badly as you are. In fact, they might be happier without you, and worse, there might be someone better for them out in the world. That’s really what hurts the most: the prospect that they were right to move on, when for you, they felt like the one. That's not always true. I ended a year long relationship 3 1/2 months ago - see some of my posts. I dumped her. She's a spoiled bitch, has kids from 2 guys, married 3, doesn't have custody of any kids (1 is in another country) is 39 1/2 now, has 40K in debt from an ASSOCIATE's degree, is payin 27.5 APR on a used car, lives in a dump, etc. She's still laughing and acting the same. I don't miss her - but I'm not back to myself yet. But that's okay. Revenge comes in the end. Listen - the point or moral of the story - yes, try and improve yourself. But, you can't get stuck. You can't become your worst enemy. And you can't crucify yourself. Behaviors are learned and reinforced over time. Spend 5-10 minutes a day in the shower, tub, in bed at night and just run through your day and see how you do against goals. If you miss, don't beat yourself up. Just keep on keeping on.
smackie9 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Get a puppy or a rescue dog to keep you company.
empresario Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I can empathize. I broke up with a 3 year girlfriend that was nothing but good to me all because at the time I was going through a lot of personal growing pains. I kept convincing myself she wouldn't be happy unless we got married and had kids, both of which I wasn't ready to pursue. She was all about starting a family and I wasn't. But she also didn't threaten me with it. Since then, I've seen how good I really had it. She was perfect to me. Loving, caring, honest. Not a bad cell within her body. And nowadays because of the way I ended things I don't even get to be friends with her, which hurts the most. The worst part was when I was going through some of my important files I keep in a single location and I came across a letter she left for me when she moved out of our place. It said not to open it until I was in a better place, and at the time I had not. When I opened it, it was a hand-written letter with pages and pages of small memories she had while we were dating that were important to her. This was 2 years after the breakup. I burst out crying. I always knew I would regret my decision at some level for being selfish. But it hurt bad. I tried to get in touch during her birthday (which I do every year) and she refused to talk to me. I guess though the wounds had healed...there were still scars. Now, as her birthday comes up in a week-ish, all of the regrets and guilt come back of how I treated someone that never did one ill thing towards me (and put up with a lot of stuff). Seeing you in the same pain over the small things...I get it. And there may be triggers that continue to make you feel bad. Best advice I can give is 1) get rid of the triggers. It only hurts when you're reminded of those little things. Change can be great in this moment. 2) You have to make the decision to move on. You don't have to like how things ended, you just have to accept that they have.
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