How to stop?

[BrokenManAgain]

Again, you are not a mind reader. It is his job to make his instructions clear, not yours to read his mind.

[KO123]

I was so close to texting him. I had to literally throw my phone away to stop myself. I really want to text him. I'm afraid I regret ignoring his message. I want him back why did I ignore? But then he didn't text again which isn't like him. I expected an angry "why did you ignore me" message..been a week, never got a message from him since I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've always been the strong one. The last time we broke up yes was painful but nowhere near the level of pain I'm feeling now. The guilt is just killing me. The sad part is I know if I text him, he'll say the same thing about us being wrong for each other..

Edited October 25, 2015 by KO123

[Simon Phoenix]

I keep thinking what if the message meant that he's having second thoughts and is willing to work on it again his decision seemed final and he wasn't giving me any hope so I said my goodbyes. Then this message confused me.

 

How many times have you worked on it though? At least three from what I've read. It's one thing to break up once, work on your issues, get back together and thrive forever. I know of several of those stories. But if you've broken up three times, it's not meant to be. You're incompatible and you're only breaking up and making up because the both of you are too weak and codependent to actually improve, evolve, and find more suitable people and situations.

 

If you re-engage this guy, it'll just be a repeat of what has happened many times before. You're trying to put lipstick on a pig. However, it's still a pig. You've already put in way more effort to appease this flake of a guy than you should. Block him and move forward. Stop wasting your time trying to resuscitate a relationship that should have died long ago.

[KO123]

How many times have you worked on it though? At least three from what I've read. It's one thing to break up once, work on your issues, get back together and thrive forever. I know of several of those stories. But if you've broken up three times, it's not meant to be. You're incompatible and you're only breaking up and making up because the both of you are too weak and codependent to actually improve, evolve, and find more suitable people and situations.

 

If you re-engage this guy, it'll just be a repeat of what has happened many times before. You're trying to put lipstick on a pig. However, it's still a pig. You've already put in way more effort to appease this flake of a guy than you should. Block him and move forward. Stop wasting your time trying to resuscitate a relationship that should have died long ago.

 

Thank you. I just think if the issue is clear, it can be worked on. We worked on so much together and got through a lot. I just feel like if I know my mistake, and I do agree it is a mistake, then I can work on it (I already am, for myself) and he can do the same. But if he says he's convinced that he lost hope then I can't do much I'm not foolish and not overly romantic... If I thought this relationship is hopeless I wouldn't want it so badly. Maybe I just blew it this time...

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you. I just think if the issue is clear, it can be worked on. We worked on so much together and got through a lot. I just feel like if I know my mistake, and I do agree it is a mistake, then I can work on it (I already am, for myself) and he can do the same. But if he says he's convinced that he lost hope then I can't do much I'm not foolish and not overly romantic... If I thought this relationship is hopeless I wouldn't want it so badly. Maybe I just blew it this time...

 

A relationship that's been broken three times should not be worked on. It should be dead. You work on the relationship within the confines of the relationship, not after it's over. After it's over you have to work on you for you, not for him.

 

And yes, if you are striving for a fourth try in this relationship, then you are being foolish. You wouldn't be the first, but the breakup-makeup cycle, once started, is almost impossible to turn into a healthy, functional relationship. It would be absolute insanity for you to give this clown another chance. He's hot and cold on you and extremely flaky. You need to have more worth than that.

[KO123]

A relationship that's been broken three times should not be worked on. It should be dead. You work on the relationship within the confines of the relationship, not after it's over. After it's over you have to work on you for you, not for him.

 

And yes, if you are striving for a fourth try in this relationship, then you are being foolish. You wouldn't be the first, but the breakup-makeup cycle, once started, is almost impossible to turn into a healthy, functional relationship. It would be absolute insanity for you to give this clown another chance. He's hot and cold on you and extremely flaky. You need to have more worth than that.

 

I understand, and thank you for this. What I'm trying to say is, when we left each other the first time, I was in a different place emotionally. So this is why I took him back after realizing that I was in fact in love with him - which was a dilemma for me during our relationship because I just wasn't sure about how I felt about it. We didn't get back together in an "official relationship" after that, it felt like it though. We said let's stay in touch and see how it works out, if it's good we'll get back together. Then he broke one of his promises to me and that's when I realized we have different values so I left. Yes, it was painful but I had my mind set that if we have different values it'll never work. I didn't dwell or anything, it was very clear to me because I was convinced. He came back after a month begging and saying it was a mistake, that he only did it because he was hurt...and that we don't have conflicting values...etc. Then we got back to an official relationship with the agreement that I still needed time to build trust in that area.

 

So what I'm trying to say is, when I am convinced that it's something we cannot change (like values and beliefs) I don't question why the relationship cannot work. But when it's something behavioral like this, I feel like it's a pity not to try. And I didn't wait for the break up to try, we were supposed to meet before deciding to end the relationship to discuss how we can work on it (I was on vacation and not in the country). In fact, after agreeing to meet when I'm back, we texted normally and he knew I was looking for special gifts for him and we talked about what he'd like me to get him...etc. However, a few days later, he started picking on the smallest things and fought with me (I did, too) and he changed his mind about the meeting and ended it via text message saying he no longer needs to meet and he's made up his mind. And kept refusing to see me claiming if he sees me he knows he'll be weak and get back together with me and he doesn't want that to happen. He even refused to meet just to take the gifts I got him saying "I don't want anything from you".

 

Edited October 26, 2015 by KO123

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand, and thank you for this. What I'm trying to say is, when we left each other the first time, I was in a different place emotionally. So this is why I took him back after realizing that I was in fact in love with him - which was a dilemma for me during our relationship because I just wasn't sure about how I felt about it. We didn't get back together in an "official relationship" after that, it felt like it though. We said let's stay in touch and see how it works out, if it's good we'll get back together. Then he broke one of his promises to me and that's when I realized we have different values so I left. Yes, it was painful but I had my mind set that if we have different values it'll never work. I didn't dwell or anything, it was very clear to me because I was convinced. He came back after a month begging and saying it was a mistake, that he only did it because he was hurt...and that we don't have conflicting values...etc. Then we got back to an official relationship with the agreement that I still needed time to build trust in that area.

 

So what I'm trying to say is, when I am convinced that it's something we cannot change (like values and beliefs) I don't question why the relationship cannot work. But when it's something behavioral like this, I feel like it's a pity not to try. And I didn't wait for the break up to try, we were supposed to meet before deciding to end the relationship to discuss how we can work on it (I was on vacation and not in the country). In fact, after agreeing to meet when I'm back, we texted normally and he knew I was looking for special gifts for him and we talked about what he'd like me to get him...etc. However, a few days later, he started picking on the smallest things and fought with me (I did, too) and he changed his mind about the meeting and ended it via text message saying he no longer needs to meet and he's made up his mind. And kept refusing to see me claiming if he sees me he knows he'll be weak and get back together with me and he doesn't want that to happen. He even refused to meet just to take the gifts I got him saying "I don't want anything from you".

 

 

You are doing mental gymnastics to keep yourself in the muck. Stop trying to pretend like there's a rational reason for you to want to try this flawed relationship once again. The guy is a douche -- let him be. Instead of trying to make yourself attractive to a douche, step away and make yourself attractive to yourself. Then maybe you won't be trying to jump through hoops to curry the attention of douchebags.

 

I mean, the more you explain this, the more it's clear that you need to be done with this. I'm on your side, but you need to be on your side. Otherwise, you are going to stay in this cyclical, self-destructive pseudo-relationship. And you don't want that.

[KO123]

You are doing mental gymnastics to keep yourself in the muck. Stop trying to pretend like there's a rational reason for you to want to try this flawed relationship once again. The guy is a douche -- let him be. Instead of trying to make yourself attractive to a douche, step away and make yourself attractive to yourself. Then maybe you won't be trying to jump through hoops to curry the attention of douchebags.

 

I mean, the more you explain this, the more it's clear that you need to be done with this. I'm on your side, but you need to be on your side. Otherwise, you are going to stay in this cyclical, self-destructive pseudo-relationship. And you don't want that.

 

Thank you I just got a call from my friend who apparently saw my ex over the weekend in a nightclub having the time of his life. My friend labeled it as "disrespectful", he thinks that a man who just got out of a serious relationship just two weeks ago shouldn't behave that way. Regardless, it seems like he's really moved on and not beating himself up at all. I need to do the same and move on - whether I've this guilt or not.

Edited October 26, 2015 by KO123

[KO123]

I'm in a good place. It's been exactly 1 month since his break up texts and 2 weeks of NC. I haven't cried in days, I almost stopped feeling sorry for myself. I am still very much aware of what happened, but I feel somewhat at peace knowing that no matter what, even if things were said and done differently, the outcome would've been pretty much the same, but maybe months later.

 

I no longer have the same urge to check his social media; I don't know how long it's been but definitely I haven't checked since I started this thread. I still think about him a lot daily, but I don't feel depressed. Yesterday was supposed to be our 3 year anniversary, and I only remembered by coincidence when I saw it on my calendar. It made me feel good that I didn't wake up that morning feeling like crap. I didn't even feel bad when I remembered that it was our anniversary and he didn't reach out to me like many expected him to.

Truth is, if I contact him, he'll most likely respond - he's never good at ignoring - but I got to a point where I don't even want to. Nothing I say or he says will change the fact that he handled things poorly and that's most probably will never change...at least not within one month. And I definitely don't want to be with someone who said being with me has been a burden...etc.

 

Many keep telling me he'll get back in touch and that I should have my response ready and others say he won't this time it's final. And I'm just here thinking, I don't know what he'll do and I am not concerned by it. If he does reach out, I'll see how I feel then, if he doesn't reach out, it's good either way. I feel at peace now and I hope it keeps getting better from here.

[KO123]

I feel very strange. After having a good few days, yesterday I broke down the way I used to during the first week. What makes it hard is the amount of disappointment I feel; in myself and in him. And I can sense that everyone's disappointed in me as well. They're all shocked and keep on telling me that they've always known me to be the strong one; the one who went through a lot of hardship in her life such as her father's passing...and that they never thought they'd ever see me like this especially over a guy.

 

It is true, I've always been the strong one and I never whined about anything, big or small. We broke up a couple of times before and I was never this down about it..this is why I don't understand why I can't handle this the same way. I'm very disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed about managing to help many of my friend's relationships through my advice, when I couldn't follow my own advice in my own relationship. I ruined it instead of saving it. I am disappointed that I allowed a guy to shake my self-esteem and make me feel insignificant. I'm disappointed about feeling like I'll die alone - I'm only 26, and I've always felt sorry for girls who felt the way I do now.

 

I feel so alone. I feel all my friends are fed up because they expect me to get over it in a day or two because, you know, I'm strong. I try to talk to my mom sometimes, but it doesn't always help me, she's a very emotional person and seeing me so sad brings her down and I hate it. She also sometimes makes me feel worse because she gives me conflicting opinions. She actually likes him and wants us to work it out...so it slips out of her sometimes. So I end up not being able to talk to anyone...

 

I'm tired of being the strong one. I don't have the energy..

[KO123]

I had a conversation with one of my close friends. She's been my support system throughout the whole relationship; told me whenever I messed up...etc. He actually reached out to her first when he wanted me back last time and she was against us going back together, but I did go back anyway. She's someone I trust, especially in relationships. Unfortunately, I was too stubborn sometimes to listen to her, and also I couldn't go to her whenever since it's my ex's privacy as well and it didn't feel right for me.

 

Since the break up she's been telling me he's bad for me and I shouldn't feel bad...etc. Out of the blue, she tells me she's been thinking about it and she thinks I did a few wrong things and she thinks if I love him I should reach out to him. She told me there are things I cannot change, but I can only be responsible for my actions. She thinks I should reach out and try make things right for the wrong things I did (how I reacted to certain things when I should've let go).

 

What do you guys think? I know the response I get here is most likely: don't even try. But I thought I'd ask anyway. I'm confused and hearing from others would be helpful. The only thing that makes me not wanting to do it is that I already apologized once. I have nothing more to say really...

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, how many times do you have to bang your head against a wall until you realize that the wall is hard? No, you've tried over and over. Stop wasting your time doubling back to a failed relationship with a flake.

[KO123]

Hi everyone!

 

It's been a while I have been doing well; haven't contacted my ex in months and not too miserable. Now I'm in some sort of a dilemma though:

 

My ex has been trying to contact me *breadcrumbs* by sending messages and pictures of things that remind him of me...etc but I never responded - although last time we spoke he asked me not to contact him again and said he doesn't want to be friends. He also wished me a Happy Birthday and tried to start a conversation but I didn't respond. I don't think he wants me back, I think he just misses me or whatever.

 

Unfortunately, it's his birthday today and I don't know if I should send him a message or not. Initially I thought I'd send a very short message just to say happy birthday and not respond to anything he says in his reply. Just because he did send me a message (basically I'm trying to be polite) and to also not give him a reason to believe that the awful things his family think of me are true (that I'm heartless and no good for him...etc). But then again I think, why do I care what he thinks of me or what his family thinks of me? I know I shouldn't. But for some reason, I still want to prove them wrong. Will sending a Birthday message prove them wrong? I doubt it. But will not sending it prove them right in his opinion? Probably. I just don't want to seem bitter and angry by not sending anything.

 

I don't want him back and I know I deserve better. I actually hate that I'm spending energy on this, but I really don't know what to do.

 

I guess I know whoever responds will tell me not to contact him, maybe I'm just looking for reassurance.

 

Please let me know what you think