KO123 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Hello, This is my first post here and I'm not quite sure why I'm posting here to be honest. I guess I'm desperate for some insights hoping it could help clear my head I'm a 26 year old girl, around three years ago I met a guy who's 8 years older than me. He was so into me from the get go and I wasn't. Everyone around me was cheering for him and trying to convince me to go out with him, and eventually it happened after two months. We started dating and we were different, he was very romantic and pushy. From our second date I was very clear on my standards and values. I told him if he doesn't share any of those values then I wouldn't want to go on. He agreed. Three months later he tells me he's in love with me and wants us to get married, I asked him to wait because it was too soon for me. A bit before our first year anniversary, he breaks up with me saying we both have strong personalities and we clash (it is true that we fought often, over silly things. After that break up I felt guilt because during the relationship I wasn't sure about how I felt towards him and had a few mini-break ups because of this). Sometime after that I reached out to him and he responded very positively saying he regrets leaving me and wants to work it out. We were both travelling so decided to meet and talk about it after. We stayed in touch but argued occasionally, and before we could meet, he calls me and tells me he broke a promise he's given me and he did it on purpose because he's better off without me and that it's over because we are different people and he doesn't want to be with someone like me. Of course I cried and I was heartbroken but he was so cold and so indifferent. A month later, comes back begging again, reached out to my best friend asking her for help. He expressed how sorry he was for breaking his word and how he believes that I make him a better person and we can work on the relationship. After three months of him constantly trying, I said okay. First three months I was working on trusting him again (promises are important to me) and to be honest he helped me a lot. He was understanding. But we still had issues of course. Then things got better and again he brings up marriage and moving to a different country together. However, out of the blue he tells me his family don't really like me anymore because they think our relationship isn't good for him. Actually his mom met my mother once and she said a few things that could have jeopardized the relationship. She wanted it to end but she didn't want to be the one to end it...she wanted to push me away. In general, his family has a strong influence on him and I've noticed it through our 3 years together. But he kept telling me it's all in my head and that his family thinks I control him as well. So, although he told me not to pay attention to what they said about me (I still don't understand why he even told me what they said about me) but also told me that it's important for him that his mother likes the girl he'll marry. I noticed changes in his behavior afterwards...it could be all in my head, but I started obsessing over this. Because I knew they had a huge influence on him, so I was expecting the day he comes and says he no longer wants to be with me. I tried to talk to him about it but he'd say "We already spoke about this once and I asked you to forget what they said. But I still expect you to get along with my family. Please don't bring it up again". So this created more issues for us. Two weeks ago, he dumped me again (over text message). I tried to talk to him in person, he refused to see me saying if he sees me he'll be weak and get back in the relationship even though he doesn't want to. I apologized for how I reacted to certain things explaining that my fear about his family caused me to feel insecure...etc. But he said it's over and he's moving on..that we are too different and the relationship has always been a burden. He said for the past three years he was never happy with me. That I changed him from a happy and positive person to a sad and negative person. When I asked him why he came back so many times if he didn't want to be with me, he said "I was an idiot and overly optimistic". He denies that his family influenced him and that it's all about our personality clashes. He said we are both "alpha" and don't get along. I don't get it. Everyone tells me it's for the best because I kept on giving him chances but he always ends up disappointing. But I can't help but feel guilty over how I let the family thing affect me. I know he handled it poorly, but I can't help but think what if I reacted differently Sorry for the long post
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 It is for the best. They told you the truth - that truth is hard to come to terms with, giving how hurt and guilty you feel over this. He slighted you three times. I do not think you need any other reason to stay away from him. Cancerous is how I would describe it. Constant breakups, getting back together....You have to be strong. He comes to the truth, and realizes how you both do not have an agreeing personality, than breaks-up, insulting, and then caves in. But so do you. His mother does not like you; that is a big thing for him. This will never work - all forces are pushing you both apart repeatedly. But why do you feel guilty? You did not cause his family to dislike you - they just do. These problems are shared - though, he sounds like a prick. You have to be brave; not play the silly games that comes with constant break-ups and get-back-togethers. This is better for you. Be strong. Be a brave woman and discard him. You will hurt - you will feel whatever it is you feel. But the point is, this relationship has been toxic! You are best putting that energies into staying away from him and eventually seeking out love from someone else. Real love.
Qboro90 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I'm not sure why you're so broken up over this guy when it sounds like you were never really sure about him to begin with. You didn't really want to go out with him when he first asked but after your friends supported it you gave in and gave it a shot. Then you outline realizing that you both have very different personalities and never really clicked. Arguments over little things, disputes, family clashing in the 3 years. Why did you continue to date this guy when there wasn't ever that spark ignited inside you about him? You need to stop harping over the issue with his mother and using that as his reason for breaking up this time. There are plenty of other reasons why you are not right for one another. He's 8 years older than you and you've turned him down multiple times when he's asked you to marry him. Now I agree that you shouldn't have married him and he's asked at odd times during your relationship but it's clear he has different plans for his life than the plans you have. Accept that you were never a good fit for one another and take the chance to find someone who you are head over heels for and doesn't require as much headache and turmoil to make a relationship work.
Author KO123 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 It is for the best. They told you the truth - that truth is hard to come to terms with, giving how hurt and guilty you feel over this. He slighted you three times. I do not think you need any other reason to stay away from him. Cancerous is how I would describe it. Constant breakups, getting back together....You have to be strong. He comes to the truth, and realizes how you both do not have an agreeing personality, than breaks-up, insulting, and then caves in. But so do you. His mother does not like you; that is a big thing for him. This will never work - all forces are pushing you both apart repeatedly. But why do you feel guilty? You did not cause his family to dislike you - they just do. These problems are shared - though, he sounds like a prick. You have to be brave; not play the silly games that comes with constant break-ups and get-back-togethers. This is better for you. Be strong. Be a brave woman and discard him. You will hurt - you will feel whatever it is you feel. But the point is, this relationship has been toxic! You are best putting that energies into staying away from him and eventually seeking out love from someone else. Real love. Thank you for this I am trying my best to get over it for good this time.
Author KO123 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure why you're so broken up over this guy when it sounds like you were never really sure about him to begin with. You didn't really want to go out with him when he first asked but after your friends supported it you gave in and gave it a shot. Then you outline realizing that you both have very different personalities and never really clicked. Arguments over little things, disputes, family clashing in the 3 years. Why did you continue to date this guy when there wasn't ever that spark ignited inside you about him? You need to stop harping over the issue with his mother and using that as his reason for breaking up this time. There are plenty of other reasons why you are not right for one another. He's 8 years older than you and you've turned him down multiple times when he's asked you to marry him. Now I agree that you shouldn't have married him and he's asked at odd times during your relationship but it's clear he has different plans for his life than the plans you have. Accept that you were never a good fit for one another and take the chance to find someone who you are head over heels for and doesn't require as much headache and turmoil to make a relationship work. Thank you for your input Yes I wasn't sure about him to begin with, but I obviously wouldn't be with someone for 3 years if I didn't end up having strong feelings for him. But, for the sake of keeping the post length under control, I couldn't mention everything. Truth is, he's very romantic and his pace was often faster. It takes longer for me to develop feelings for someone, and that's how I am with everyone not only with him; I need to know the person very well first. And I was very clear with him about this and he said he's patient. The good times in the relationship were in fact good and he's a good person overall; adored by everyone around him. That's why I had the guilt when he first broke up with me, because it takes time for me to develop such intense feelings, and there he was wanting to marry me. I reacted negatively to some of his nice gestures because we weren't in the same place emotionally at the time and that scared me. But when I started developing strong feelings for him and was ready for such a commitment it was late for him. He was very discouraged...etc. I felt like I didn't give it my all. Then now that we had another chance, the family issues came up. I keep wondering what if I didn't let it get to me...and although I know very well that he handled the situation poorly, I still can't help but feel like I should've been wiser/more diplomatic in handling it? I don't know. Edited October 21, 2015 by KO123 1
Author KO123 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 My ex sent me a message yesterday saying: "Question, if you wanted to work on this relationship why did you delete me from everything on social media and tell me that you agree with me on thinking the relationship won't work?" What do I do? I ignored the message and I feel good about it, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do? He's asking this because in our last conversation, I said "I just want to apologize for my reactions to certain things but I do agree this relationship won't work because I can't be with someone whose family doesn't accept me and he's so easily influenced by them" and he responded with a whole speech on how the issue is me and not his family..etc and I ended the conversation with "as you wish. Goodbye". So am I on the right track by ignoring? What could the text mean?
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Hello everyone, I posted a thread previously about my break up story. Now I'm having an issue related to self-control. I had unfollowed and unfriended him everywhere. Turns out all his social media accounts are public! And now basically I can't stop myself from checking them and over analyzing everything like how he's overly active since the break up which isn't like him at all. I keep feeling like he's moved on although I know it all could be just a show. I feel like deleting him benefited him more than me because my accounts are private! I deleted him because I didn't want him to pop up on my feed, but checking his accounts defeats the purpose and I don't know how to stop! It also doesn't make it better that I still want to be with him Help?
todreaminblue Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 take a break from social media for a while..you dont have to delete or block anyone or delete your accounts just dont log on....i have found this helps....try and reconnect with friends and fam the old fashioned way...call more often visit them...send snail mail...do things that make you happy......other than social media...teh longer you do it for the easier it becomes...... sadly connecting with people the old fashioned way is becoming a hassle when its easy just to squat in front of a computer screen and read what they are doing.....one reason i dont post a lot of private stuff and even if any...i use it to post motivational stuff....give that to people to read.... on facebook...people who truly care about my life...i share it with them...and i keep my bonds...intimate...everyone i care about...i see on nearly a weekly basis...i go to church once a week and so it is easy to catch up with friends there....... smiling in person...is so much more personable than an emoticon...although they are cute....:bunny:...i actually write smilin.......which people find weird...but thats ok ...i find them weird too..i am my own normal... i share stuff on here again that i most definitely wouldnt share on facebook more to help others than to satisfy personal needs........i am not saying that this is how it should be...but i am saying...to you.....just log off for a while.then gradually increase the time you are offline for.......so you dotn feel so lost.......do things that dont depress you......thats therapy 101...reconnect more on an intimate level with the ones you love who love you back.call them write them....be with them........listen to music you love instead of logging on...... play a game of patience....read a book....watch happy feet...well thats a movie i like but watch one of your faves....and let the feeling of needing to check out his facebook....subside into the back of your brain somewhere....use the front to do things you love to do.....let that be first and foremost..and let time do its thing....i wish you well..ps..i still and have always thought that facebook is the devil......;0)....i am kidding...maybe not.......deb
BelleSkye Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I understand. I play clash of clans and trying so hard to not go to his clan and check his village base (android game in case you wondering). I just think, play a mind game with yourself. The more you look at his social media, the more you are giving him power. If you want the power back, come here instead of stalking!!! I see loveshack has a water cooler forum. So you can post other stuff here instead of relationship crap (sorry im saying it like that). You can chat about your interests, philosophical vjews about other things, just to keep you GROWING. what is helping me is also to give advice, which i need to absorb for myself Edited October 23, 2015 by BelleSkye 1
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 take a break from social media for a while..you dont have to delete or block anyone or delete your accounts just dont log on....i have found this helps....try and reconnect with friends and fam the old fashioned way...call more often visit them...send snail mail...do things that make you happy......other than social media...teh longer you do it for the easier it becomes...... sadly connecting with people the old fashioned way is becoming a hassle when its easy just to squat in front of a computer screen and read what they are doing.....one reason i dont post a lot of private stuff and even if any...i use it to post motivational stuff....give that to people to read.... on facebook...people who truly care about my life...i share it with them...and i keep my bonds...intimate...everyone i care about...i see on nearly a weekly basis...i go to church once a week and so it is easy to catch up with friends there....... smiling in person...is so much more personable than an emoticon...although they are cute....:bunny:...i actually write smilin.......which people find weird...but thats ok ...i find them weird too..i am my own normal... i share stuff on here again that i most definitely wouldnt share on facebook more to help others than to satisfy personal needs........i am not saying that this is how it should be...but i am saying...to you.....just log off for a while.then gradually increase the time you are offline for.......so you dotn feel so lost.......do things that dont depress you......thats therapy 101...reconnect more on an intimate level with the ones you love who love you back.call them write them....be with them........listen to music you love instead of logging on...... play a game of patience....read a book....watch happy feet...well thats a movie i like but watch one of your faves....and let the feeling of needing to check out his facebook....subside into the back of your brain somewhere....use the front to do things you love to do.....let that be first and foremost..and let time do its thing....i wish you well..ps..i still and have always thought that facebook is the devil......;0)....i am kidding...maybe not.......deb I totally understand. It's just that social media has become such an important medium these days and it's hard to not use it. I actually enjoy it (I don't overuse it) and it's fun to connect with friends on many levels - I still do the traditional ways of connecting as well. But it's hard when it comes to my ex, I deleted him because I don't want to give up something I enjoy just to avoid him. But it's not working that we'll, I keep obsessing. I know it's wrong, but sometimes I just can't help it. I think what I did has helped him more than anything
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I understand. I play clash of clans and trying so hard to not go to his clan and check his village base (android game in case you wondering). I just think, play a mind game with yourself. The more you look at his social media, the more you are giving him power. If you want the power back, come here instead of stalking!!! I see loveshack has a water cooler forum. So you can post other stuff here instead of relationship crap (sorry im saying it like that). You can chat about your interests, philosophical vjews about other things, just to keep you GROWING. what is helping me is also to give advice, which i need to absorb for myself That's true. When it comes to giving advice, it's interesting because I'm known to be the one with the best relationship advice amongst my friends and I helped many improve their relationships or get over their ex's. Somehow when it's me in the position, I can't seem to follow my own advice I'm used to being the 'wise' one but somehow I keep failing myself. I can't seem to get over the guilt of maybe I should've handled things differently in the relationship. And maybe this is why I keep obsessing over social media.. I can't get over him because of the guilt although how I behaved maybe was justified and wasn't so bad... But I'm just hard on myself I guess
opalant Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I did the same thing, but you need to realise that it's not benefiting you, it's just hurting you. Every time you check his social media I'm sure you feel s**t about yourself afterwards. So why continuously keep checking? Delete your internet history so that his accounts don't come up in your search bar. FORCE yourself not to look at it for a day, then the next day, then the day after that. Every time you feel the urge to do it remind yourself why it's a bad idea and how rubbish you feel after you look at it anyway. Distract yourself, call a friend or family member, leave the room, go and do something, anything. But don't look. Eventually the urge to check will go away more and more.
Cali408 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Social media has made breaking up so much harder. Try just unplugging for the weekend. Seriously, don't look at anything. By the third day, you'll feel much better. Something has to give, do you want to get better and heal? Try it, it works, stay off the internet.
BelleSkye Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 What an ass he is....he just wants attention from you. You guys said your goodbyes and now he is putting the guilt trip on you again. One of my other exs did this, he hurt me so much then sent a message saying that I could have tried harder. That was such a put off , turn off for me. Loser guy. Wants attention. Please keep ignoring the message.
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 What an ass he is....he just wants attention from you. You guys said your goodbyes and now he is putting the guilt trip on you again. One of my other exs did this, he hurt me so much then sent a message saying that I could have tried harder. That was such a put off , turn off for me. Loser guy. Wants attention. Please keep ignoring the message. I keep thinking what if the message meant that he's having second thoughts and is willing to work on it again his decision seemed final and he wasn't giving me any hope so I said my goodbyes. Then this message confused me.
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I agree. It's my third day without checking his posts but it's not getting any easier. I keep trying to distract myself but it's so hard and it's sucks that it's easier for him to avoid my social media because mine are private
jmw1727 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I too have been having this problem, even after having been broken up with my ex for four months. At least once a week I find myself checking her and her new boyfriends fb pages. Does it help me? No, absolutely not. I always feel like **** afterward and overanalyze everything they are doing. I have realized that this is keeping me from moving on. I finally got the courage to block them both on fb. It is hard, but I keep thinking to myself, "why do I care what this person is doing anymore?". Stay strong. We are all in this together!
mightycpa Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 You guys are like the kids who keep getting their fingers burned, but keep lighting matches anyway, thinking that it's going to be different next time. Next time you get the urge, write here about exactly what you're feeling. The sooner you understand your unhealthy compulsion, the quicker you'll be able to master yourself.
BelleSkye Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 If he is willing to work on it again he will say that HE WANTS TO MAKE THINGS WORK and will not put all the pressure and guilt on you. He sounds psycho to me. Please dont have hope with this guy. You have the upper hand.
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 If he is willing to work on it again he will say that HE WANTS TO MAKE THINGS WORK and will not put all the pressure and guilt on you. He sounds psycho to me. Please dont have hope with this guy. You have the upper hand. I'm curious...what points made you feel like he's a psycho? An outside perspective would be helpful
Author KO123 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 You guys are like the kids who keep getting their fingers burned, but keep lighting matches anyway, thinking that it's going to be different next time. Exactly! I know it will hurt, but I still can't help it! I ask myself sometimes why I want myself to suffer this way..
BelleSkye Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I'm curious...what points made you feel like he's a psycho? An outside perspective would be helpful Because he knows the reasons why are hurting and instead of giving you reassurance or fixing the problem, he wants you to still go up against a blazing mountain of thorns and fire to get him. He really sounds like a loser to me.
Author KO123 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 Because he knows the reasons why are hurting and instead of giving you reassurance or fixing the problem, he wants you to still go up against a blazing mountain of thorns and fire to get him. He really sounds like a loser to me. So do you think that message was meant to make me try harder? I couldn't make sense of it...i thought it's just him being confused and wondering about my actions and nothing else. Because the last thing he told me is that he decided and there's no changing his mind. But the message confused me. Either way there's nothing I can do to try harder. I already apologized a few times for certain things but it makes no difference to him because he still doesn't see the family issue as a casuse.. 1
BrokenManAgain Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Stop trying to read his mind. If you don't understand the message, ignore it. In fact, even if you did, you are under no obligations to carry out his wishes. It is him who must come to you and meet your terms, not you to his. 1
Author KO123 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 Stop trying to read his mind. If you don't understand the message, ignore it. In fact, even if you did, you are under no obligations to carry out his wishes. It is him who must come to you and meet your terms, not you to his. He says this is one of the issues. That he thinks I'm inflexible and always want him to meet my terms, not the other way around. He says I never apologize when I'm wrong...etc. Which is funny because whenever I do apologize, like this case, he doesn't forgive and continues to punish me in one way or another when I'm always expected to forgive and forget in his case. I guess I would feel better if he at least admitted that his family had a negative effect instead of blaming the whole break up on me.
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