think my ex has bpd, will he change for his new gf?

[Downtown]

I didn't understand what she meant by "change" in her question. The rollercoasters won't change, the erratic behavior won't change (unless patiently treated..longterm) is what I meant.

I believe that Opalant, like you, was considering whether a long-term lasting change is possible. In contrast, I discussed both short-term changes (mood flips and thought distortions, actually) and long-term changes. I did so to caution Opalant against mistaking the repeated cycle of short-term change for a lasting change, which is highly unlikely for a high functioning BPDer.

 

Downtown, how exactly do they frequently change with respect to interpersonal RSs?

If you define "change" as a substantial, permanent improvement in the BPDer's behavioral symptoms, I would agree with you that such change is very unlikely. By its very nature, BPD prevents a person from being self aware. I would guess that only 5% of BPDers are self aware. I've never knowingly met such a person in my personal life but, online, I've communicated with over a hundred of these self aware BPDers, who are remarkable people.

 

Sadly, my experience is that the vast majority of the "self awares" won't do anything to substantially improve their issues. Although they are aware of the problems, they lack the ego strength necessary to tolerate years of intensive therapy. As an adult, it takes years of hard work to learn the missing emotional skills: e.g., how to self sooth, how to regulate emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating conflicting feelings and ambiguities, how to trust oneself so you can trust others, how to be "mindful" instead of escaping into the past or future, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

[OK_computer]

I believe that Opalant, like you, was considering whether a long-term lasting change is possible. In contrast, I discussed both short-term changes (mood flips and thought distortions, actually) and long-term changes. I did so to caution Opalant against mistaking the repeated cycle of short-term change for a lasting change, which is highly unlikely for a high functioning BPDer.

 

If you define "change" as a substantial, permanent improvement in the BPDer's behavioral symptoms, I would agree with you that such change is very unlikely. By its very nature, BPD prevents a person from being self aware. I would guess that only 5% of BPDers are self aware. I've never knowingly met such a person in my personal life but, online, I've communicated with over a hundred of these self aware BPDers, who are remarkable people.

 

Sadly, my experience is that the vast majority of the "self awares" won't do anything to substantially improve their issues. Although they are aware of the problems, they lack the ego strength necessary to tolerate years of intensive therapy. As an adult, it takes years of hard work to learn the missing emotional skills: e.g., how to self sooth, how to regulate emotions, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating conflicting feelings and ambiguities, how to trust oneself so you can trust others, how to be "mindful" instead of escaping into the past or future, and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."

 

I believe it's also called 'splitting' a defensive freudian mechanism. I myself suffer from splitting, or else I feel.

[Downtown]

People who have a mental illness do not have a choice in how or when the illness manifests. If a person can control the symptoms, then it's a behavioural choice - not a mental illness.

Basil, by definition, the "symptoms" for BPD are behaviors. Hence, in saying that a BPDer cannot "control the symptoms," you seem to be saying he cannot control his own behaviors, i.e., his actions. If so, I would disagree.

 

As an initial matter, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is something we all have to some degree. Moreover, the degree to which we have it typically varies greatly at various stages of our lives. When we are young children, for example, we behave like full-blown BPDers on a 24/7 basis. And many of us behave that way again when the hormones surge in puberty or during periods of pregnancy, PMS, postpartum, or perimenopause.

 

In light of this, it is important to avoid suggesting that BPDers, pregnant women, horny teenagers, and young children cannot control their own behaviors. On the contrary, they are able to exercise some degree of control and thus should be held accountable for their bad choices -- and, within reason, should be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of those bad choices. Otherwise, none of us would have any incentive to learn how to regulate our emotions so as to improve our behavior.

 

I therefore would rather say that BPD makes it "far more difficult" -- but not impossible -- to control one's own behavior. To a lesser extent, this is true for all of us. The human condition is that, whenever we experience very intense feelings such as anger or infatuation, our intellectual judgment tends to go out the window (is greatly impaired). This problem is so well known that, by the time we reach high school, we already know that we should keep our mouths shut whenever we are angry and start speaking only after we have time to cool down. We nonetheless still have some measure of control and thus should be held accountable for our behaviors.

[Chronograph]

I was reading about BPD on another thread and it shocked me how almost every single one of the warning signs was how my ex acted towards me.

 

He was emotionally abusive, made me not see my friends because he didn't like them and thought them not good enough, but it was just because he knew they could see what he was doing to me.

 

He would be absolutely in love with me one day, then we'd have a tiny argument and he'd break up with me or ignore me for 2 weeks straight to 'punish' me.

 

He refused to communicate about anything, he was never there for me but expected me to be there for him all the time. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, he expected me to be perfect all the time and if I slipped up I knew about it.

 

I found out 2 weeks ago after foolishly checking his Instagram that he now has a new girlfriend, I think they've been talking for about a month. I was upset but I'm not coping too badly now, I just feel sorry for her.

 

I had to see him a couple of weeks ago for work and he said he was talking to a girl who was 'even more of a psycho' than me, so I'm guessing the relationship isn't going to end well, not that it matters to me, just wondering why he'd get with someone like that if he left me because he thought I was a 'psycho'?

 

Also do BPDs ever change? Will he change for her? I know he'll act all charming at the start like he did with me, but I feel like maybe I was the problem, that I brought these BPD traits out in him?

 

Hey, I know this feeling very well. Not so much concerning BPD, but in general. After my breakup I was paranoid, that with his new girlfriend he would of course change his behavior dramatically, everything would improve and all the problems I had with him were only down to me and that basically I was the problem. But my psychologist said people don't change so much just because they have a new partner. Not overnight anyway. Yes, someone new might bring out different traits in a different way because there will be a different dynamic. But in general and all in all people would not change so much. So ... yeah I guess you're right in feeling sorry for the new girlfriend. That is also the better and healthier way to look at it. Rather than thinking you have been the problem.

[Downtown]

I believe it's also called 'splitting' a defensive freudian mechanism. I myself suffer from splitting, or else I feel.

Yes, that is my understanding also, OK. BPD traits are essentially primitive ego defenses that we all rely on heavily in childhood to survive. They continue to have survival value throughout adulthood. Indeed, the splitting may have saved your life many times.

 

For example, when you were walking in a crosswalk and looked up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind instantly shifted to black-white thinking (a form of splitting, where you place part of your feelings or thinking process out of touch of your conscious mind). The result was that, in that instant, you were capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right."

 

Likewise, whenever we experience intense feelings or are startled, our brains are hardwired to shift into B-W thinking, which distorts our perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations and impairs our judgment. This is why we all are on a slippery slope to B-W thinking when feelings are intense. We thus have to struggle to resist it and to restrain our actions until the feeling passes. When we give in to B-W thinking and act on it, we are capable of great cruelty and injustice. The Holocaust is just one example.

 

Incidentally, another mild form of splitting is daydreaming, something we typically do dozens of times each day.

[opalant]

Thanks to all you guys who actually gave me real advice instead of having a go at me for asking.

 

I'm going to see if I can get back to therapy to talk to someone about this so I don't take any issues and damage that I've gotten from this relationship into my next one.

[opalant]

When I was with my ex I became friends with his best friend, but we weren't incredibly close, after the break up I didn't expect to stay in contact and because we never talked/hung out on our own anyway I just deleted everyone to do with my ex so I wouldn't see anything about him.

 

Anyway I started my final year of college (in the UK) this September and my ex's best friend is also in my class. I've organised a huge outing for my whole class next week and seen as it's been a few months since the break up and I have my ex blocked now anyway I decided to re add his friend to be nice.

 

He's replied to the group messages about the outing but has declined my friend request. I'm trying not to take it to heart but we're going to see each other every day for the next year now so I don't want things to be awkward or hostile between us because of my ex.

 

He doesn't sit anywhere near me, and I was the one that had to say hello to him first and we haven't spoken since. He was speaking to me fine the first few weeks after the break up when I needed to talk about college, this was when my ex was still reaching out to me. But now that I've blocked my ex and my ex now 'hates' me (for no reason) his friend has been off with me too and I think my ex has been saying bad things about me for this reaction to happen, (he said after the break up that him giving me a black eye was my fault).

 

This might not be the case but it seems the most likely thing, obviously I want to make things less awkward between me and his friends seen as we're going to be in regular contact and we're going on a group night out next week, any advice on what I should do to make things better?