think my ex has bpd, will he change for his new gf?

[opalant]

I was reading about BPD on another thread and it shocked me how almost every single one of the warning signs was how my ex acted towards me.

 

He was emotionally abusive, made me not see my friends because he didn't like them and thought them not good enough, but it was just because he knew they could see what he was doing to me.

 

He would be absolutely in love with me one day, then we'd have a tiny argument and he'd break up with me or ignore me for 2 weeks straight to 'punish' me.

 

He refused to communicate about anything, he was never there for me but expected me to be there for him all the time. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, he expected me to be perfect all the time and if I slipped up I knew about it.

 

I found out 2 weeks ago after foolishly checking his Instagram that he now has a new girlfriend, I think they've been talking for about a month. I was upset but I'm not coping too badly now, I just feel sorry for her.

 

I had to see him a couple of weeks ago for work and he said he was talking to a girl who was 'even more of a psycho' than me, so I'm guessing the relationship isn't going to end well, not that it matters to me, just wondering why he'd get with someone like that if he left me because he thought I was a 'psycho'?

 

Also do BPDs ever change? Will he change for her? I know he'll act all charming at the start like he did with me, but I feel like maybe I was the problem, that I brought these BPD traits out in him?

[BelleSkye]

Doesnt matter what he does. You need to focus on yourself. Depending how he feels about her he might be better or worse with her. But that is none of your concern. You need to get stronger emotionally and get self respect.

[salparadise]

Also do BPDs ever change? Will he change for her? I know he'll act all charming at the start like he did with me, but I feel like maybe I was the problem, that I brought these BPD traits out in him?

 

They can learn to compensate a little better with extensive treatment, but they will seldom seek or stay in therapy. But the short answer is no, they don't fundamentally change. You didn't bring out these traits in him... it's the nature of how these people function in intimate relationships. They project their own deficits onto their intimate partners. The pattern that you experienced will be repeated with the new partner. Do a username search and read the posts by "Downtown" to gain a better understanding. There is also a wealth of information on the internet- try to choose the more professional sites and skip the ones with ranting and raving.

[opalant]

I know he thinks there's nothing wrong with his behaviour as he used to turn everything around on me, he'd manipulate the facts so much and be so convincing that sometimes I actually thought I was going mad and that it actually was all my fault.

 

I know that he'll never seek therapy for this, and even if he did he wouldn't stick it out for very long, he thinks he's 'perfect' and can never do any wrong and acts like everyone else is beneath him. Now I feel sorry for and worried for his new girl, but I can't say anything to her as I'll just come across as a jealous ex, I just hope she escapes quicker than I did.

[salparadise]

Sounds like it could be narcissistic/borderline comorbidity. The two disorders are related (both cluster B) and it wouldn't be unusual for a person to have features of both.

 

It's good that you've moved on. The question you need to ask now is what caused you to get involved with such a person, and whether this is a pattern you may be in danger of repeating. It's probably not a random occurrence.

 

You should probably investigate that aspect and upgrade your peoplepicker.

[BelleSkye]

Why fix him when you should be fixing yourself?

[opalant]

I have him blocked on everything, I no longer love him and I'm progressing well in my healing.

 

I don't want to fix or heal him, I was just paranoid that I was the problem and that he'd treat his new gf better that's all.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex-boyfriend is also BPD (diagnosed) He has not sought any treatment, though. I understand very much what you went through, because I imagine my relationship with him was very similar to yours.

 

If he truly suffers from BPD, and if he is not in any type of long-term treatment, then no. He will not change, not for her or anyone else.

 

I have a friend who also knows my ex-boyfriend and has mentioned that his current relationship is very tumultuous, just like ours was. I have a lot of sympathy for his girlfriend. But I have moved on to a wonderful, stable and loving relationship that is so much more satisfying and healthy. Focus on you and your own healing.

 

Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about your experience. I suspect we'd have a lot to talk about.

[basil67]

Hang on, you're talking Borderline Personality Disorder yes? If so, it's a mental illness. People who have a mental illness do not have a choice in how or when the illness manifests.

 

If a person can control the symptoms, then it's a behavioural choice - not a mental illness.

[salparadise]

Hang on, you're talking Borderline Personality Disorder yes? If so, it's a mental illness. People who have a mental illness do not have a choice in how or when the illness manifests.

 

If a person can control the symptoms, then it's a behavioural choice - not a mental illness.

 

Do you keep your striped boxers in a separate drawer from the plaid ones?

[d0nnivain]

Also do BPDs ever change? Will he change for her? I know he'll act all charming at the start like he did with me, but I feel like maybe I was the problem, that I brought these BPD traits out in him?

 

 

BPD is a medical condition, not a choice. Substitute another medical condition like Lupus for BPD, now re-ask your Q.

 

 

If your BF truly has BPD you didn't bring it out in him. It is who he is.

 

 

Since you are the one making the diagnosis, however, I suspect your EX & you were simply a poor match because he was too self centered. Let her have him & be thankful you are out of that dysfunctional mess.

[salparadise]

BPD is a medical condition, not a choice. Substitute another medical condition like Lupus for BPD, now re-ask your Q.

 

If your BF truly has BPD you didn't bring it out in him. It is who he is.

 

Since you are the one making the diagnosis, however, I suspect your EX & you were simply a poor match because he was too self centered. Let her have him & be thankful you are out of that dysfunctional mess.

 

Well donivain, no it's not a medical condition. It's a personality disorder, which is a mental health and behavioral issue.

 

I don't see that she is diagnosing. She has noticed correlations between his behavior and the DSM criteria. And she's asking questions about BPD to try and understand it. If he indeed does exhibit a number of the behaviors then that knowledge is relevant, and a diagnosis or lack thereof is not.

 

And, if he indeed does exhibit a number of the behaviors then there is a lot more to it than them simply not being a good match.

 

This whole thing a few outspoken critics are doing where they attack anyone who even mentions BPD as a possibility is just plain lame. OP is asking legitimate question and she deserves well considered answers, not condescension or scolding.

[opalant]

Thankyou salparadise yeah I'm not diagnosing him as definitely having BPD, but he has matched a lot of the warning signs and I think the severity in which he treated me and it eventually turning into physical as well as emotional abuse makes it more than just a 'bad match'.

[mightycpa]

I have him blocked on everything, I no longer love him and I'm progressing well in my healing.

 

I don't want to fix or heal him, I was just paranoid that I was the problem and that he'd treat his new gf better that's all.

It sounds like you lack the self-introspection to answer that question yourself. So either you were perfect, or you have a blindspot.

 

In this case, there's only one way to find out. Get a new boyfriend, and see if you're the problem in your next relationship. If not, it wasn't you.

[contel3]

Actually it doesn't really matter if he has bdp or not...you didn't like his behaviour and somehow you're convinced it was your fault he treated you this way. You don't like who he is and are afraid he will change for the better.

 

Maybe this will help you: How does he treat his friends and family? Would this be the way you want to be treated as a friend or family member? If he's acting like a jerk with them, he most probably won't change.

[OK_computer]

I was reading about BPD on another thread and it shocked me how almost every single one of the warning signs was how my ex acted towards me.

 

He was emotionally abusive, made me not see my friends because he didn't like them and thought them not good enough, but it was just because he knew they could see what he was doing to me.

 

He would be absolutely in love with me one day, then we'd have a tiny argument and he'd break up with me or ignore me for 2 weeks straight to 'punish' me.

 

He refused to communicate about anything, he was never there for me but expected me to be there for him all the time. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, he expected me to be perfect all the time and if I slipped up I knew about it.

 

I found out 2 weeks ago after foolishly checking his Instagram that he now has a new girlfriend, I think they've been talking for about a month. I was upset but I'm not coping too badly now, I just feel sorry for her.

 

I had to see him a couple of weeks ago for work and he said he was talking to a girl who was 'even more of a psycho' than me, so I'm guessing the relationship isn't going to end well, not that it matters to me, just wondering why he'd get with someone like that if he left me because he thought I was a 'psycho'?

 

Also do BPDs ever change? Will he change for her? I know he'll act all charming at the start like he did with me, but I feel like maybe I was the problem, that I brought these BPD traits out in him?

 

Look up DSM diagnosis criteria for BPD. By BPD I hope you mean Borderline Personality Disorder. Some people (rare) use it for Bipolar Disorder too. Borderline personality usually arises in persons with a history of 'tramatic' childhoods (if my memory from my Med school years serves me correctly).

 

Borderline usually has a poor pronosis, and treatment is usually Behavioral therapy, drugs don't do the trick, practically ever.

 

What do you mean by change? BPD itself is a personality disorder, it's VERY hard to change, in at all possible. Unfortunately his cycles will continue, regardless of whom he is with.

[OK_computer]

Here's DSM 4 TR (TEXTBOOK REVISION 2000) criteria I got off the web:

 

I prefer dsm 4/ to the latest dsm 5, But here's an overview:

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

 

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

 

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

 

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

 

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self

 

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

 

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

 

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

 

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

 

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

 

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

[opalant]

He didn't have a traumatic childhood, not that I know of, he lost his Grandfather that he was very close to at a young age, his Mum wasn't ever very attentive towards him and even now ignores him from time to time and just shuts off, so maybe he's learned that behaviour from her, he was diagnosed with ADHD too although they have discharged him now and taken him off his meds, he was always ashamed to say he had ADHD and denied himself ever having it which I think affected him too.

 

I'd say he definitely fits with 2, 4, and 5 (but that was right at the start of the relationship), 6, 7, 8 and 9.

[contel3]

There's no point on labeling him. You're not a psychiatrist and a lot of disorders have the same symptoms you described. He's probably just imature, moody, depressed or has a ****ty personality.

 

It doesn't matter if he's sick or not. That's the way he is and someone with so many issues won't fix them overnight. He didnt change. Trying to diagnose your ex with mental disorders will only make you feel worse in the long run.

[opalant]

Don't know how many times I'm going to say this, but I'm NOT diagnosing him. Just saying that he's got similar traits to BPD and was trying to understand what it was.

 

Also seen as though he severely emotionally and physically abused me I think it's a little bit more than him just having a 'sh**ty personality'.

 

This website is it meant for advice and support, not people jumping down other people's throats for ASKING about something.

[Downtown]

I prefer dsm 4/ to the latest dsm 5, But here's an overview: Borderline Personality Disorder

Computer, actually, the defining traits for BPD are identical in DSM4 and DSM5. You therefore will find the very same traits listed in Section 2 of DSM5. The new methodology appears in Section 3, which contains the diagnostic approach that the APA is moving to. It is included in that section to encourage research on its applicability. See DSM5 Overview.

 

It would have been approved in late 2012 but the APA membership decided, when they voted on the issue, that further empirical study is needed to ensure that the new methodology yields consistent results when used by a wide variety of therapists. The APA members want reassurance that a client going to three different psychologists will not be given three different diagnoses.

[Downtown]

Just wondering why he'd get with someone like that if he left me because he thought I was a 'psycho'?

Opalant, if your Ex really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), your reaction to his dating choices is very normal. It is common for the BPDers' ex-partners to express dismay that the BPDers are now dating people who are nothing like them -- and nothing like the BPDer that they once knew.

 

The reason for this strange choice of new partners is that a BPDer does not know who he is because he has such a fragile, unstable self image. He therefore has spent a lifetime emulating the best features of people as a way of fitting in, being accepted, and being loved. This is why BPDers can quickly fit in and start emulating the behavior of very disparate groups of people. And this is why, when a BPDer leaves you, there is a good chance he will pair up with someone whom you could never have imagined he would be willing to date.

 

Further, keep in mind that, because a BPDer lacks a strong self image, he absolutely HATES to be alone. He needs someone with a strong personality who will ground him and provide a sense of identity. He therefore is unlikely to sit at home by himself for very long.

 

Also do BPDs ever change?

Yes, about every 6 to 8 weeks -- if not more frequently. Like smokers who are always "quitting" every two months, BPDers typically will be seen dramatically improving. What you are seeing, however, is not a lasting change but, rather, simply another upswing in the unending roller coaster ride.

 

As to lasting change, yes, that also is possible. Most major cities in first world countries offer excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) that teach BPDers how to acquire the emotional skills they had no opportunity to learn in childhood.

 

Will he change for her?

Well, anything is possible. I've not seen any statistics on it but I would be surprised if there is more than a 1% chance of a high functioning BPDer substantially improving over the next ten years. It is rare for a HF BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength required to be willing to seek therapy and stay in it long enough to make a real difference.

 

I feel like maybe I was the problem, that I brought these BPD traits out in him?

Perhaps you were part of the problem. Yet, if he has strong and persistent BPD traits, you don't have to do anything to bring those traits out. On the contrary, you can't prevent it from happening as soon as his infatuation starts evaporating -- at which point his two fears will return and you will start triggering them no matter what you do.

[salparadise]

He didn't have a traumatic childhood... his Mum wasn't ever very attentive towards him and even now ignores him from time to time and just shuts off, so maybe he's learned that behaviour from her

 

Disrupted or incomplete bonding with the mother (or primary caregiver) is the common denominator in BPD. It's not a PC thing to say these days because of the perceived gender bias in naming the mother... but that's sidestepping the real etiology.

 

The security, closeness and unconditional acceptance during a certain window in early childhood development is how we form a secure sense of self. When that doesn't work, a feeling of pervasive emptiness usually results.

 

Show me a BPD who had effective mother-infant bonding and I'll show you a true anomaly. I will add that ineffective bonding doesn't always result in BPD. There probably has to be some genetic predisposition as well. But in most families the one who is passing the genes is also the primary caregiver. It is a generation to generation disorder, sadly.

[OK_computer]

Computer, actually, the defining traits for BPD are identical in DSM4 and DSM5. You therefore will find the very same traits listed in Section 2 of DSM5. The new methodology appears in Section 3, which contains the diagnostic approach that the APA is moving to. It is included in that section to encourage research on its applicability. See DSM5 Overview.

 

It would have been approved in late 2012 but the APA membership decided, when they voted on the issue, that further empirical study is needed to ensure that the new methodology yields consistent results when used by a wide variety of therapists. The APA members want reassurance that a client going to three different psychologists will not be given three different diagnoses.

 

 

Thanks for the info! Learned something new today

[OK_computer]

Opalant, if your Ex really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), your reaction to his dating choices is very normal. It is common for the BPDers' ex-partners to express dismay that the BPDers are now dating people who are nothing like them -- and nothing like the BPDer that they once knew.

 

The reason for this strange choice of new partners is that a BPDer does not know who he is because he has such a fragile, unstable self image. He therefore has spent a lifetime emulating the best features of people as a way of fitting in, being accepted, and being loved. This is why BPDers can quickly fit in and start emulating the behavior of very disparate groups of people. And this is why, when a BPDer leaves you, there is a good chance he will pair up with someone whom you could never have imagined he would be willing to date.

 

Further, keep in mind that, because a BPDer lacks a strong self image, he absolutely HATES to be alone. He needs someone with a strong personality who will ground him and provide a sense of identity. He therefore is unlikely to sit at home by himself for very long.

 

Yes, about every 6 to 8 weeks -- if not more frequently. Like smokers who are always "quitting" every two months, BPDers typically will be seen dramatically improving. What you are seeing, however, is not a lasting change but, rather, simply another upswing in the unending roller coaster ride.

 

As to lasting change, yes, that also is possible. Most major cities in first world countries offer excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT) that teach BPDers how to acquire the emotional skills they had no opportunity to learn in childhood.

 

Well, anything is possible. I've not seen any statistics on it but I would be surprised if there is more than a 1% chance of a high functioning BPDer substantially improving over the next ten years. It is rare for a HF BPDer to have the self awareness and ego strength required to be willing to seek therapy and stay in it long enough to make a real difference.

 

I agree 100%.

 

Perhaps you were part of the problem. Yet, if he has strong and persistent BPD traits, you don't have to do anything to bring those traits out. On the contrary, you can't prevent it from happening as soon as his infatuation starts evaporating -- at which point his two fears will return and you will start triggering them no matter what you do.

 

I didn't understand what she meant by "change" in her question. The rollercoasters won't change, the erratic behavior won't change (unless patiently treated..longterm) is what I meant.

 

Downtown, how exactly do they frequently change with respect to interpersonal RSs?