I deserve better but I can't convince myself (long read)

[hgroog]

We (both of us are 31) met on a dating site a month ago, hit it off really well in the beginning. We had a lot in common; hobbies, similar life experiences, etc. Only he has been divorced (5 yrs ago) and I was previously engaged (4 yrs ago). Our SOs cheated on us so we kind of bonded through that in a way but it wasn't what brought us together. He was a complete gentleman and very up front about things (at first) Things were great, but there were some red flags that popped up along the way.

 

He had no job having just left the military, so he couldn't afford to take me out on an actual date, he instead cooked dinner for us at home. We hung out once a week at his house and played video games all day, acting like a couple of teenagers in love. It felt great since I hadn't been given any male attention in years, so I just went along with it. Even if it felt awkward. I misinterpreted his awkwardness for being interested though. Eventually a lot of his actions felt forced. He just seemed not that interested in me after a while. He didn't invite me to places he would go to, but would tell me about them in texts. He also hung out with an ex-gf who moved to be closer to him (I met his family and friends who know her, can confirm they are just friends) Last time we hung out, I asked to confirm our relationship but he said we didn't have a label because he was "still feeling it out".

 

Eventually, We ended up having sex (ughh, regrets) which was weird. He started acting funny and deactivated his dating profile. After exchanging weird texts all week, we finally saw each other today and talked. He said the sex made him realize he wasn't ready for relationship. He loved his ex so much that it's made him unable to develop feelings for others. Plus he was dealing with a bunch of financial issues which he didn't tell me about (he's ex-military) He apologized and stuff but I still feel used. I gave myself to him and thats all he could think about.

 

(he also said distance was a problem, cause I lived an hour away, but in the beginning he said this wasn't so I don't understand this?)

 

 

I guess even though we only dated for a month, I dodged a bullet but I caught feelings and just can't help but cry and beat myself up for having sex too soon with him. He said it would have ended either way because of his problems but I feel like I should try to keep him around as a friend? Is that bad? He asked to add me to Facebook and wants to be friends but I told him no (as in not yet, cause I need to get over him if that is possible... but he said he won't if I am not comfortable with it)

 

 

I know I deserve better but I can't convince myself that I do. My time with him was wonderful regardless of the issues. I probably won't hear from him again or until I can tell him I want to be on his facebook, but is it worth it? He is devoid of emotion, and didn't react when I told him I had developed feelings. I almost feel like it's worthless to try, but I keep going back to the idea that he'll move on and come back to me as a changed person. As far-fetched as it seems, we could have been a great match. If he wasn't carrying so much baggage. I feel like I won't meet a guy like him ever again.

 

how do I proceed? We broke up yesterday so my wounds as still very fresh. I'm having the post-breakup symptoms (no appetite, no sleep, etc) I'm trying to see the negatives more than the positives but its' really hard. I fell pretty hard for this guy and I shouldn't have. Is there anyone who can tell me that I didn't miss out on something that could have been great?

[BelleSkye]

It would have been an emotional torture roller coaster ride if you forced him to stay. At least now he can remember you being a really decent girl who gave him a chance (I knkw the sex is not right but there is also more to a relationship than sex). When he clears his head, he may be the right space to give you a decent chance. But just look after yourself for now.

[hgroog]

It would have been an emotional torture roller coaster ride if you forced him to stay. At least now he can remember you being a really decent girl who gave him a chance (I knkw the sex is not right but there is also more to a relationship than sex). When he clears his head, he may be the right space to give you a decent chance. But just look after yourself for now.

 

Thanks for you reply. I don't mean to make a big deal about the sex, intimacy wasn't the entirety of our relationship. I recall him saying yesterday that he wanted us to be friends first to feel it out before sex would happen, so I think it just ruined it. All this time he kept saying that he thought I would be uncomfortable with it but in the end he was the one who was. Makes me feel like I pressured him or something and just plain awful. I guess if he wasn't into me there's no sense in pining for him to come back--cause he won't. He seemed pretty confident about that in a way.

 

I'll get over it, I just hate having to take long breaks between dating to better myself. I'm going to miss him, he would have made a great friend.

[BelleSkye]

I understand where you are coming from. But I want to share something random with you....its from the movie interstellar....sometimes you need catastrophic events to make good things happen...or maybe just things happen. In the movie, they were referring to life. If a planet was near a black hole, any meteor strike or natural disaster would not have happened, due to the black hole absorbing things, not allowing catastrophic events. But if you take it personally, just know that you are chancing life, making things happen, somewhere in the universe you are making things happen. Keep learning and growing. Your black hole will be not taking chances. Forgive yourself.

[Lovelorn00]

I had to respond, because this post made me want to cry. I SO understand what you're going through, because I'm going through it as well. My situation is very similar, and you and I are also close in age. My stomach is in knots right now over a guy who's pulling a slow fade on me, and I'm beating myself up for developing feelings for him. Friends don't get it, because we only dated for a couple of months, but the feelings were strong. Let me tell you - he was a catch (handsome, smart, funny, lawyer), and I also find it difficult to believe that I'll ever find someone like that again. But you know what? It happened once, it can happen again.

 

Just know... you have a friend here. There are folks here who completely understand. It's definitely difficult, but deep inside you, there's a resilient human being who can bounce back from this wiser and better. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling now. Totally okay. It'll take work (and time), and it sucks so freaking bad, but you'll make it through this. You will.

 

I also agree with BelleSkye. Life is ever-changing. The universe is ever-changing. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. The best thing you can do in the meantime is take care of yourself. Become the best version of yourself that you can be. Hugs.

[hgroog]

I had to respond, because this post made me want to cry. I SO understand what you're going through, because I'm going through it as well. My situation is very similar, and you and I are also close in age. My stomach is in knots right now over a guy who's pulling a slow fade on me, and I'm beating myself up for developing feelings for him. Friends don't get it, because we only dated for a couple of months, but the feelings were strong. Let me tell you - he was a catch (handsome, smart, funny, lawyer), and I also find it difficult to believe that I'll ever find someone like that again. But you know what? It happened once, it can happen again.

 

Just know... you have a friend here. There are folks here who completely understand. It's definitely difficult, but deep inside you, there's a resilient human being who can bounce back from this wiser and better. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling now. Totally okay. It'll take work (and time), and it sucks so freaking bad, but you'll make it through this. You will.

 

I also agree with BelleSkye. Life is ever-changing. The universe is ever-changing. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow. The best thing you can do in the meantime is take care of yourself. Become the best version of yourself that you can be. Hugs.

 

 

Thankyou for your reply. I am very glad to have posted here and got some wonderful support. As an update, I had time to go through my head and think. Our last conversation was at the end. He did not like me anymore and wanted out. The intimate act was vulgar to him, he made an awful comment about it (which originally slipped my mind, like many of things I will list here) that made me feel dirty and my stomach turn a little. I don't think I have ever been with someone who was not sure about his feelingd enough to go through all that with another person. Even though he said nothing was my fault, making horrible comments and calling our intimacy "touching eachothers junk", is rude and insensitive to me who obviously felt something more between us.

 

After moping for 3 days, the weight has begun to lift. I still cry a lot. He put me through a lot of emotional stress. I spent a lot of time worrying if he was fading out, friends called me paranoid and stuff but I could sense it, I had been through this before! If someone is forcing themself to be with you (and I know he did like me at least in the beginning, he acted like a good guy at first!) it's just best to end it. Out of respect for you and the other party. Don't drag it on. Sure it hurts too, unrequited love sucks. I really felt something for him, but I also care enough about myself to know he isn't the first or the last man in my life to make me feel like this. I was just too infatuated.

 

 

He has not contacted me, and I doubt he will. That is proof for me that the time spent meant very little to him. I didn't post it here because I was too blind and feeling sorry for myself but he really wasn't a great boyfriend in retrospect. He was very selfish and mildly narcissistic. I made a pro/con list, and it turns out. He wasn't that great of a person either! On our first "meet" he started talking about how much he hated his family, and called them names. He even said he refused to visit his new born nephew cause he hated kids. Not a good first impression, but I overlooked it. Later, as time wore on, he would never pay for things like food or even beverages. He still had money, despite being unemployed. He would just buy cheap junk food instead of real food after a while (or spend it on toys or pot). I paid for the ingredients which he'd cook for us, but it just felt half-assed after a while. I have a job and didn't mind paying from time to time, but I mean come on! the only meal he paid for was our second "date" and he insisted on choosing the food and even sharing it??? Maybe I am expecting too much but, who does that?

 

He never visited my home, or took me out or even invited me to go places when he was actually doing stuff. All we did was hang out, play video games or watch netflix. If we did go out, it was to his friends house to smoke pot and play more videogames with them. I don't smoke, and this was a dealbreaker for me. On the way to his friends house the last time, I learned his married female friend who treated me poorly was also an ex girlfriend. He had no problem hanging out with women, which is usually fine cause I have male friends. But ones you've dated is another story! He told me he never stopped talking to his ex girlfriends he had since the divorce. most recent ex gf moved to be near him before they broke up, they woukd still hang out when I wasnt there. I feel this is disrespectful and this girl supposedly abused him....He showed me her videos on youtube of them together. They were weird artsy videos cause she's a dancer. He didn't know I saw it, but there was a video prior to our relationship, she was in her bra and underwear, he was helping her stretch before her dancing. Another, he was carrying her around on his back. Their "friendship" was too weird for me, Im old fashioned but I wouldn't be so close to my ex if we broke up on bad terms like he said they did. Thats just me.

 

So yeah, I did dodge a major bullet. I wasted gas on visiting him every week, helped him clean the yard for his dad and the kitchen for his mom. He didnt appreciate any of it. He has a lot of problems and combined with his failed marriage (he used to deploy to different places cause of, "fear of missing out" which he confessed, had upset his wife. He said he, "knew he should put people first but these are places I may never visit again") he was getting himself into financial trouble by spending his voluntary severance on a cabin, then applying for disability which means he needs to pay back all the money oh boy!! I think he really needs to sort himself out before going into any kind of relationship. But that is entirely up to him, and I want no part of that decision.

 

I woke up this morning and felt sad but I needed a reality check. All I was doing here was making excuses for his true behavior. Thats the reason I wrote all this is because sometimes we see people through rose colored glasses. Mine shattered AFTER we broke up, unfortunately, but better now than 6 months down the road. Looking back now, even his dating profile contradicted his behavior IRL. I still beat myself up for giving a lot of myself to him and being taken advantage of, but I have to just learn from it now.

 

I really hope your guy was better to you than mine was. And that you are smarter than i was. YOU are a wonderful human being who deserves to love and be loved by someone who respects and appreciates you. That guy is showing you exactly who he is by fading out, cowardice comes in different forms. It's best he does it now than later

 

We as daters in our 30s, we know our options are different than those who are younger. It's going to be harder for us, but we can't give up. This is my 3Rd failed dating experience since my fiancé left me 4 years ago. I need to stop going in with my heart first and just use my mind! Our dignity is important, we have to move on and be strong enough for the next one but strong enough for our selves too. If things look bad, they probably are. Walk away and save yourself the pain. There are 7 billion people on this planet, we will go through a lot of them but there is someone waiting for us somewhere. Just need to keep living and moving, he/she will show up and surprise us. I am willing to wait and see what happens.

 

 

Thankyou for your support and to BelleSkye as well. The people on this forum are really wonderful and honest. I can imagine a lot of people come and go through here but not without some great advice. I appreciate everything .

Edited October 27, 2015 by hgroog

[Lovelorn00]

Wow! As much as I hate the term “emotionally unavailable man”, this guy sounds like the definition of an EUM. Ugh! I literally just wanna scream right now. Your guy and my guy are very similar. Jesus - what’s wrong with these dudes???

 

The only difference between my story and yours is that we didn’t sleep together. However, I’m almost positive that if we did, he would’ve had a similar reaction to your guy. Like you, there were big, bright red flags waving when I first met him. He has a good job, so he had no problem paying for dates, and he did invite me to a lot of stuff he was doing. However, I should’ve known something was up when he began speaking poorly about his family and also his friends… on the FIRST date! The biggest red flag happened when his dog bit my face, which sent me to the ER a bloody mess. I had to get stitches, and now I have scars. L He was slowly fading before that, but now he’s made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me.

 

Like you, I’ve made excuse after excuse after excuse for this guy. When I first met him, my co-worker told me that she went to high school with his entire family. She knew his mom and dad, sisters. She told me that he comes from a “good, close family” and that he has sisters, so he understands women. She’s seen me date a bunch of a**holes, but she enthusiastically gave him her stamp of approval. That’s part where my excuses come from. He came with a glowing recommendation, so I thought I had found a keeper.

 

I don’t know why, but I just have a really hard time believing that someone can be so callous and cruel, particularly after behaving in the opposite manner in the beginning (naive, I know). That’s the absolute worst. It’s so deceptive. It’s quite baffling to me. However, the good thing about writing all of this out is that it helps us to take off the rose-colored glasses and focus on the bad parts. Hopefully, that’ll help speed up our recoveries. I’d like for us to eventually get to a place where we can say, “I can’t believe I was ever hurting over that guy!”

 

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread. Haha!

[Chi townD]

Hmmm. Hard one and maybe some people may not agree with me. But, at least he was upfront and honest with you. And especially early in the relationship before either of you got too emotionally involved. He felt that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to further the relationship. So, I don't think he used you. I think he really cared about you and enjoyed his time with you. But, he was carrying way too much baggage and he realized that it wasn't fair to him and certainly wasn't fair to you. I think he lacks confidence and probably feels that you deserve more or someone better. I mean, he couldn't even afford to take you out on a proper date. Now, that might not mean much to you (and you're a sweetheart for understanding the financial bind that he was in) but; for a guy, that stigma is always going to be on his mind. That he can barely take care of himself let alone a girlfriend. And he needs to get a grip on his Ex and finally realize what she did to him. he hasn't healed from that. And that also isn't fair to you to endure that while he's trying to out how to heal.

 

 

I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but you can read thread after thread on how some guys have done worse during a break up. I really think that this guy wasn't out to intentionally hurt you, just the timing was off. So, who knows what the future holds. But; for you, you need to heal and move on. Don't put your life on hold waiting for this dude to get his act together.

[hgroog]

Wow! As much as I hate the term “emotionally unavailable man”, this guy sounds like the definition of an EUM. Ugh! I literally just wanna scream right now. Your guy and my guy are very similar. Jesus - what’s wrong with these dudes???

 

The only difference between my story and yours is that we didn’t sleep together. However, I’m almost positive that if we did, he would’ve had a similar reaction to your guy. Like you, there were big, bright red flags waving when I first met him. He has a good job, so he had no problem paying for dates, and he did invite me to a lot of stuff he was doing. However, I should’ve known something was up when he began speaking poorly about his family and also his friends… on the FIRST date! The biggest red flag happened when his dog bit my face, which sent me to the ER a bloody mess. I had to get stitches, and now I have scars. L He was slowly fading before that, but now he’s made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me.

 

Like you, I’ve made excuse after excuse after excuse for this guy. When I first met him, my co-worker told me that she went to high school with his entire family. She knew his mom and dad, sisters. She told me that he comes from a “good, close family” and that he has sisters, so he understands women. She’s seen me date a bunch of a**holes, but she enthusiastically gave him her stamp of approval. That’s part where my excuses come from. He came with a glowing recommendation, so I thought I had found a keeper.

 

I don’t know why, but I just have a really hard time believing that someone can be so callous and cruel, particularly after behaving in the opposite manner in the beginning (naive, I know). That’s the absolute worst. It’s so deceptive. It’s quite baffling to me. However, the good thing about writing all of this out is that it helps us to take off the rose-colored glasses and focus on the bad parts. Hopefully, that’ll help speed up our recoveries. I’d like for us to eventually get to a place where we can say, “I can’t believe I was ever hurting over that guy!”

 

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread. Haha!

 

You didn't hi-jack anything dear, you were just speaking your mind. I salute you for going through all that. I almost feel like maybe we dated the same person. (but I can only wish to date a lawyer hehe) but you are totally right, Emotionally unavailable before I met him, I was literally talking to my friends about how I keep meeting EUM all the time! Weird! There are flaws and then there are "flaws". Some are really just their character showing through and some people don't even know they are doing it. Talking bad about friends and family is a seriously flaw IMO. You don't bring that up when you first meet someone new!

 

 

I agree, I have hard time believing this too! when we meet someone some compatible and draws us in and fade or suddenly lose interest (what seems like overnight for some) Thats why I am upset at all of this, he wasn't entirely a bad guy per se. He still treated me kind when we were alone together, he was never the pushy type. He was just really bad at dating or just really scared to fall for someone again. This is also why I can't decide to be his friend. I just don't see him ever really being a friend considering the way he treated me in the end.

 

And about your situation, his dog bit you? Holy macaroni, I certainly hope he paid for that bill! I can't believe that I would feel SO bad if my dog did that to someone. Hope you are doing better now! Do you have skype? I'd like to chat with you more, you seem a lot like me. People need people in time of need. Feel free to PM me, I'd love to chat with you sometime. You are really sweet!

[hgroog]

Hmmm. Hard one and maybe some people may not agree with me. But, at least he was upfront and honest with you. And especially early in the relationship before either of you got too emotionally involved. He felt that he wasn't in the right frame of mind to further the relationship. So, I don't think he used you. I think he really cared about you and enjoyed his time with you. But, he was carrying way too much baggage and he realized that it wasn't fair to him and certainly wasn't fair to you. I think he lacks confidence and probably feels that you deserve more or someone better. I mean, he couldn't even afford to take you out on a proper date. Now, that might not mean much to you (and you're a sweetheart for understanding the financial bind that he was in) but; for a guy, that stigma is always going to be on his mind. That he can barely take care of himself let alone a girlfriend. And he needs to get a grip on his Ex and finally realize what she did to him. he hasn't healed from that. And that also isn't fair to you to endure that while he's trying to out how to heal.

 

 

I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but you can read thread after thread on how some guys have done worse during a break up. I really think that this guy wasn't out to intentionally hurt you, just the timing was off. So, who knows what the future holds. But; for you, you need to heal and move on. Don't put your life on hold waiting for this dude to get his act together.

 

 

I do appreciate him being honest, though I had to be the one to talk about it first. he didn't ask to see me after we were together last, so I planned something which led to us breaking up.

 

When we spoke, He said things like "you're a great girl, you're pretty and smart and its great that you like video games but..." Yeah just him letting me off easy. Which is hard to believe because a week before things seemed normal but after being intimate is when I noticed him starting to act a little different. This is not two weeks into dating either, this is after a month. We had a lot of time to get to know each other. So I couldn't believe it! Literally a day later, he started to fade. The only thing I know is that he hung out with his weird ex-gf the day after when he told me he was actually doing homework. Well, whatever I guess. When we broke up, He seemed to have trouble with his words, he was covering his head with is hands and just blaming his problems and his ex-wife for not being able to feel anything for someone. He looked really distraught! I felt bad because he didn't tell me anything was going on until then. He would text me about his day or what he was doing and that's it. Part of that could be my fault but I did a lot of the work in this relationship too, I was trying to get him to open up and failed. but at the same time, if he didn't want to share, then whom I am to press him? I really would have liked to be his friend and help him though. I am a generally positive person. His financial situation worried me and I would have liked to help him find an adviser or something. I do still care about the guy in any case.

 

I've been mulling this over for the last 5 days, running the scenario over and over. whether or not he liked me and if he would come back. It doesn't matter anymore cause he's gone now but a little bit of me holds out hope and I'm try to forget it. What saddens me the most, is how we spent all that time getting to know each-other and now nothing at all. The last time we were "together" he made me feel like the universe was ours. It's cheesy but its true! I overlooked everything when were were together. That is my fault entirely. I wish he would at least say hi or talk to me about stuff, but he hasn't said a thing. I told him I couldn't be his friend right away, that I'm a no-contact person so I keep myself away until I get over them. He agreed to that at least.

 

I am babbling here but thanks for taking the time to reply, it was a really positive message and made me feel okay about things for a bit. The reality here is he seems really set on not having a GF for a long time which I think is great for him if he's serious about trying to work through his problems. I really hate to see that he's still suffering after they've been separated for years now already. He's holding himself back from so much.

 

Whether it is bad timing or not, it didn't work out and I know from experience that they never come back unless they want something. There is no telling if he will contact me again someday but I don't want to wait around for it. I've thought about contacting him in a month to see how he is doing and stuff, but that is it. I'll get better and move on, and maybe find someone who is emotionally available for me and actually wants me to love them.

[Chi townD]

. I wish he would at least say hi or talk to me about stuff, but he hasn't said a thing. I told him I couldn't be his friend right away, that I'm a no-contact person so I keep myself away until I get over them. He agreed to that at least.

 

 

 

Well, you did say that you're a "no contact" kind of gal. So, you shouldn't be surprised that he's respecting your decision.

 

 

I mean, I think that you felt like you got used. And I had to respond because I don't think that's the case. I mean, you were a great girlfriend. You did things for him, traveled for him, helped out his family. I mean, for a lazy SOB looking for someone that he COULD use; to bend over backwards for him. He would have felt like he hit the jackpot and would do anything to keep you around. But, this wasn't the case. I think that he didn't have anything to offer for you (nothing tangible anyway) and he cared enough to know that you deserved better than him. And what was telling for me is when he ended it, he took the majority of the blame for the demise. No finger pointing, no excuses towards you (meaning that you didn't do this, that or the other).

 

 

And don't EVER feel used or dirty or made to feel cheap because you gave yourself to someone you cared about. Because, I have a feeling he cared about you too. I know guys that have the attitude that if they're not "hitting it" by the third date, then it's time to move on. I don't think he was like that. You made him wait a month or so to become fully intimate. It didn't sound like he pressured you too much. I really think (and I think you know it too) that he enjoyed cuddling up on the couch and watching Netflix with you. He was just as content to do that as well.

 

 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! He just has a ton of baggage to work through, and until he can work those problems out, he won't be good for anyone. So, I guess you are right. You did dodge a bullet. But, I also think he let you go because he knows you deserve more than what he can give you right now.

[Lovelorn00]

You didn't hi-jack anything dear, you were just speaking your mind. I salute you for going through all that. I almost feel like maybe we dated the same person. (but I can only wish to date a lawyer hehe) but you are totally right, Emotionally unavailable before I met him, I was literally talking to my friends about how I keep meeting EUM all the time! Weird! There are flaws and then there are "flaws". Some are really just their character showing through and some people don't even know they are doing it. Talking bad about friends and family is a seriously flaw IMO. You don't bring that up when you first meet someone new!

 

 

I agree, I have hard time believing this too! when we meet someone some compatible and draws us in and fade or suddenly lose interest (what seems like overnight for some) Thats why I am upset at all of this, he wasn't entirely a bad guy per se. He still treated me kind when we were alone together, he was never the pushy type. He was just really bad at dating or just really scared to fall for someone again. This is also why I can't decide to be his friend. I just don't see him ever really being a friend considering the way he treated me in the end.

 

And about your situation, his dog bit you? Holy macaroni, I certainly hope he paid for that bill! I can't believe that I would feel SO bad if my dog did that to someone. Hope you are doing better now! Do you have skype? I'd like to chat with you more, you seem a lot like me. People need people in time of need. Feel free to PM me, I'd love to chat with you sometime. You are really sweet!

 

Wow, I was actually going to ask earlier if we were dating the same dude. Haha! Everything you’ve described sounds exactly like my guy, even down to the intimacy stuff. Mine also wasn’t a horrible guy, but that’s what makes it so difficult to get over it. Like, in my head I’m thinking, “Ugh! I was SO stinkin’ close with this one! Attractive, funny, smart, great job” – I thought I hit the jackpot!

 

But I agree with what the other poster here said. Our guys just aren’t ready for a relationship right now. It’s not all us. They just aren’t ready. In the future? Maybe. Just not right this moment. They both have a ton of baggage (mine got out of a serious relationship last year, and his ex went on to marry her best friend). I think the other problem is that they may not actually know that they have this baggage. We women are naturally more in touch with our feelings and are capable of being extremely self-aware. A lot of men don’t have that ability to stop and really ask themselves if they are (emotionally) in a place to date and to give their time and attention to another person. They just hop into it, and one or two months down the line, they’re thinking, “Holy crap! What have I gotten myself into? I’m not ready for this yet.”

 

I have to think of it this way, because a) it prevents me from putting all of the blame on myself (which is the first thing I did), and b) it shifts my emotions from a place of “he wronged me” to “wow, sucks for him. I wish him the best.” I don’t doubt that my guy was genuinely interested in me. I did at first, but not now. I bet your guy was, too. That alone can scare some men off. When they meet someone worthwhile who actually stirs up genuine feelings, they tend to pull back, because it’s new, and it’s scary, and they’re not ready. Our guys – they just weren’t ready for all of our awesomeness. I can only offer them pity for what they’re missing out on.

[Lovelorn00]

Tried to PM you, but it wouldn't work. Just wanted to check in to see how you were doing.

[hgroog]

Wow, I was actually going to ask earlier if we were dating the same dude. Haha! Everything you’ve described sounds exactly like my guy, even down to the intimacy stuff. Mine also wasn’t a horrible guy, but that’s what makes it so difficult to get over it. Like, in my head I’m thinking, “Ugh! I was SO stinkin’ close with this one! Attractive, funny, smart, great job” – I thought I hit the jackpot!

 

But I agree with what the other poster here said. Our guys just aren’t ready for a relationship right now. It’s not all us. They just aren’t ready. In the future? Maybe. Just not right this moment. They both have a ton of baggage (mine got out of a serious relationship last year, and his ex went on to marry her best friend). I think the other problem is that they may not actually know that they have this baggage. We women are naturally more in touch with our feelings and are capable of being extremely self-aware. A lot of men don’t have that ability to stop and really ask themselves if they are (emotionally) in a place to date and to give their time and attention to another person. They just hop into it, and one or two months down the line, they’re thinking, “Holy crap! What have I gotten myself into? I’m not ready for this yet.”

 

I have to think of it this way, because a) it prevents me from putting all of the blame on myself (which is the first thing I did), and b) it shifts my emotions from a place of “he wronged me” to “wow, sucks for him. I wish him the best.” I don’t doubt that my guy was genuinely interested in me. I did at first, but not now. I bet your guy was, too. That alone can scare some men off. When they meet someone worthwhile who actually stirs up genuine feelings, they tend to pull back, because it’s new, and it’s scary, and they’re not ready. Our guys – they just weren’t ready for all of our awesomeness. I can only offer them pity for what they’re missing out on.

 

 

Yea I knew he cared for me in his own way. We were definitely attracted to each other but I could tell he was holding himself back all the time. He often spoke about being out of practice with dating, and maybe he was too excited at first since it was new to him again, but I think he really couldn't see himself moving on from his ex in the long run. He literally said it takes longer for him to feel things for people because of her. He wasn't lying because I saw his reddit comment history when we were together one day. He posts a lot on there and often linked me to topics from what he was reading. I don't think he knew I'd see it. He posted a few times about how he wanted to love someone but wasn't sure he could do it again, his ex's cheating really destroyed him, etc. I regret reading it honestly. I also think the other poster here said it best; he needs to sort himself out cause he's not good for anyone right now. He would just continuously bring people down with him.

 

He wasn't all that horrible like I make him sound. I just picked out the negative parts that were supposed to help me cope and move on ya know. I think I tend to be emotionally impulsive when it comes these things, and my thinking so linear. Give me stress, and I'm all over the damn place sometimes!

 

You are right, both of our guys were great! they just couldn't handle our awesomeness. They just need time. I think there are guys out there who are probably wondering where they could meet gals like us though When the time comes, we'll know who they are.

 

Thank you for remembering me here though! I didn't get a PM on here, I thought they had a PM system but after I wrote that to you, I couldn't find it lol. I am very happy that you replied though! I'm getting better day by day. It is 7 days post break up now, absolutely NC from both of us. I did cry a lot yesterday, I had made myself some awesome food and couldn't enjoy it cause I knew he was out at a concert I know this is kind of mean, but the weather was really crappy last night so I felt like that was a little bit of karma coming from me though. I think once I don't know anything about his plans or where he is at, I will stop wondering about him. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

How are you doing? How is your healing coming along? I would love to hear from you! <3

Edited October 29, 2015 by hgroog

[Lovelorn00]

Yes, sounds like both of our guys could benefit from some good, ol’-fashioned therapy. Mine even mentioned seeking out therapy to me once, but it was more about how his job was bringing him down and how overwhelmed he was (red flag). I should’ve known then that he wasn’t ready to be in a real relationship.

 

Sounds like we are both going through the same grieving stages. I feel like we are kindred spirits in a way. Breakup buddies! Haha! 7 days is the worst. I don’t know why, but I held out hope that he would’ve contacted me last night. He didn’t. There’s something about it being a whole week that makes it difficult. I’m really struggling with that today. I’ve been on the verge of tears today, but have to hold it in, since I’m at work. The worst part is that he slowly faded. I wasn’t given a formal notice of rejection, which I think would’ve helped with closure. My last message to him was in reference to a movie we had planned to see together, and his response was simply that he didn’t have time. Then, crickets.

 

I’m dreading the weekend. I don’t currently have plans for Halloween, but just like you, I know for a fact that he does, and it tears me up that he’ll be out having fun while I’m hurting. I will find something to get into, though. I always do. Sitting at home and moping won’t do me any good.

 

About his concert getting rained out - I TOTALLY get it, and I find myself wishing the same things when I know my guy is out having a good time. I hate to wish ill will on people, but something in me feels like he deserves it. Haha

 

Hey, I was wondering – Have you thought about getting back online at all? I’ve considered getting back on as a distraction, but I think it’s too soon still. I probably wouldn’t accept any dates, because I’m a little self-conscious about the scars on my face from his dog biting me. I’m also afraid of running into him there. What about you? Have you considered it?

[hgroog]

Yes, sounds like both of our guys could benefit from some good, ol’-fashioned therapy. Mine even mentioned seeking out therapy to me once, but it was more about how his job was bringing him down and how overwhelmed he was (red flag). I should’ve known then that he wasn’t ready to be in a real relationship.

 

Sounds like we are both going through the same grieving stages. I feel like we are kindred spirits in a way. Breakup buddies! Haha! 7 days is the worst. I don’t know why, but I held out hope that he would’ve contacted me last night. He didn’t. There’s something about it being a whole week that makes it difficult. I’m really struggling with that today. I’ve been on the verge of tears today, but have to hold it in, since I’m at work. The worst part is that he slowly faded. I wasn’t given a formal notice of rejection, which I think would’ve helped with closure. My last message to him was in reference to a movie we had planned to see together, and his response was simply that he didn’t have time. Then, crickets.

 

I’m dreading the weekend. I don’t currently have plans for Halloween, but just like you, I know for a fact that he does, and it tears me up that he’ll be out having fun while I’m hurting. I will find something to get into, though. I always do. Sitting at home and moping won’t do me any good.

 

About his concert getting rained out - I TOTALLY get it, and I find myself wishing the same things when I know my guy is out having a good time. I hate to wish ill will on people, but something in me feels like he deserves it. Haha

 

Hey, I was wondering – Have you thought about getting back online at all? I’ve considered getting back on as a distraction, but I think it’s too soon still. I probably wouldn’t accept any dates, because I’m a little self-conscious about the scars on my face from his dog biting me. I’m also afraid of running into him there. What about you? Have you considered it?

 

 

 

I'm actually very grateful to have met another person who is going through the same thing! You have helped me feel a little less alone during this tough time. I do feel your pain and hope you heal much faster than I do. **HUGS** Seems like a week from hell for both of us! Today is actually what would be our date night, so it stings more thinking about all the stuff we did together. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt like this too. If you are still doing it, NC is the way to go, I know you need closure but its best to just be brave and let it go. I wish I had actually told my ex how I felt too (I let him do ALL the talking which is unlike me) but the way I see it, its not worth it if they don't care enough. The reality is starting to hit that he will never talk to me again and I just have to live with it and move on.

 

Fading out is such a crap way to end relationships though! people who do that are such cowards in my book and not worth partners either! It makes me very angry because my previous ex sorta faded out on me too. We were supposed to get married and suddenly he wanted to take a break, then he stopped calling and then I found out he was seeing a coworker (along with 2 other women over the course of the 3 year relationship too!) It was pretty damn humiliateing and I actually put myself in therapy for 2 years because of it. So, yeah. I'm an advocate for therapy now. It has helped me a lot, and the wounds "were" healed until now.

 

I agree that that your guy and my guy could benefit from it greatly. Anyone who has considered therapy, should probably try to go! I'm even trying to do it again myself.

 

There aren't any plans for my Halloween either, but mostly because theres nothing to do out here (I live in a heavily wooded area, the kind that breeds bad horror films) I don't have any friends out here to enjoy it with anyway since I just moved here a year ago. I know my ex-guy was going trick-or-treating with his friends and their kids but he wasn't too interested in bringing me along for some reason. I kinda got that vibe when the subject would come up but he seemed to avoid asking me, heh, weirdo Just another sign he wasn't invested enough I guess. Hopefully his costume doesn't fit or it snows on Halloween (in his area only! lol) I know, thats mean, but it helps me feel better just a little bit.

 

Good that you are planning to find something to do anyway. See if there is an event at a bar or club, I would absolutely go for it. Try to have some fun, you owe it to yourself to be happy. Absolutely nobody can take that from you.

 

As for online dating, If you think you are truly ready to try again, you should go for it! I don't think the scar should pose as a problem, and if it bothers a guy, then you are probably better off without that particular guy. Go have some fun, keep dating. Who cares if you see the ex either, don't give that jerk the pleasure of seeing you heartbroken!

 

I am not going back to online dating because I haven't really had luck with it. I'm fine with this decision. I'm going to take some time off from dating again and just focus on me again. Maybe I will find another the old fashioned way.

Edited October 30, 2015 by hgroog