ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I saw someone else say this in another thread and it got me thinking. I know NC is the ONLY method to gain your self-respect and dignity back as well as make the other person "wonder' about you. But let's say you KNOW the situation is hopeless and your ex is never going to worry about you or call, do you break no contact several months down the road to show them a piece of you or is that taboo? I am not saying I am going to do this (even though I think I am past the point of no return) because I DO need to respect myself and heal. But it is interesting to think that if you know there is no hope, giving it SOME time, do you eventually cave in and call to say hi? I mean, if you wanted to show him or her you have changed, isn't breaking NC the ONLY option if they aren't calling you?
bstill Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 COC, I've followed some of your posts here, and I am astounded by your progress. You've regained quite a bit of your composure, it seems. I've wondered about this sort of thing, too. I think it ends up being dependent on the circumstances of their last interactions. For example, say the dumpee doesn't take the news well, the dumper gets angry at having to deal with the flood of affection their decision to leave has brought about and resents the person they're dumping for making a difficult ordeal even moreso. The dumper has learned, unfortunately, that interaction with their partner now brings even greater emotional pain than that which was invovled in deciding to end the relationship in the first place. The dumped, however, has never really been given a chance. ALl of the above happens very very quickly in breakups, often during hte course of a conversation, during or the day after a breakup. So obviously the dumped is going to be upset and not thinking clearly about what their responsibility, if any, in the breakup was, and how they should handle the situation. "But let's say you KNOW the situation is hopeless and your ex is never going to worry about you or call, do you break no contact several months down the road to show them a piece of you or is that taboo?" One could of course do this, depending on the nature of the breakup, and it could be a fine idea, depending on how mcuh of you is motivated by shwoing them you've "changed." If you do call, you've got to be so casual you are almost comatose. NC is very stifling, emotionally, and feels unnatural. It helps to keep us from wasting our time and losing our respect. But it has costs, and they can take a long time to catch up to a person. Personally, I'm starting to feel very heavy inside because of it, and it ahs been more than a year.
alphamale Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I mean, if you wanted to show him or her you have changed, isn't breaking NC the ONLY option if they aren't calling you? in this situation why would they care whether you have changed or not? you make no sense whatsoever and I think you are relapsing tsk tsk tsk
Pocky Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I mean, if you wanted to show him or her you have changed, isn't breaking NC the ONLY option if they aren't calling you? When you reach the point where it is safe to make contact, you'll no longer need to make contact because you won't care if they know you've changed. You really aren't even close to reaching that point.
dgiirl Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 If you want to be _friends_ with her, then give yourself atleast a year to get over the pain. And then if you see her on the street or something, you could go show her you've changed As long as you're still thinking about "Should I break NC or not?", then you still have feelings for her, and you're not over her yet. When you're truely over her, you wouldnt even be thinking about these rules, and you wouldnt care what she thinks.
XNemesisX Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by dgiirl If you want to be _friends_ with her, then give yourself atleast a year to get over the pain. And then if you see her on the street or something, you could go show her you've changed As long as you're still thinking about "Should I break NC or not?", then you still have feelings for her, and you're not over her yet. When you're truely over her, you wouldnt even be thinking about these rules, and you wouldnt care what she thinks. amen! Your breakup hasn't even been a few months yet has it, CIOC? Give it 6 months. At least. I know it seems too painful to imagine never talking to the person again. If you must, you could contact her in 6 months - 1 year from now. Does that sound like a REEEAALLY long time? It isn't. It's already been 7 months since my break up and it has flown by. I guess it helps that I don't have his new number (tells me something about just how little my ex wants to talk to me not to give me the new number) and now I couldn't care less. It's for the best I don't have his number because I was bad at NC. Last time I talked to him he said I was keeping him "scarred" by talking to him. Hopefully, by the time you get to 6 months you won't still want to talk to her, and you won't even care what she thinks of you or if she knows you have "changed." You are just full of emotions right now CIOC. Give it time. Easier said than done, I know...but you really need to. When you still care what your ex thinks of you, enough to want to show them this "change" then you are far from over it.
RecordProducer Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 If your ex is the type who would stab you with a knife every time you call them then it's good to call them as many times as necessary until you figure out that all hopes are gone and you're a total idiot for being still in love. It's good to be shaken and awaken with a cold shower a few times before you decide to do NC just for the sake of NOT idealizing someone who treats you like a piece-a-sh*t. However if the ex treats you good, comforts you, talks to you a lot or even makes love to you, being around them gives you new hopes every time. It will take a lot of time and pain for you before you realize that you just postponed the NC while wasting time and feeling even more pain. But some people just can't cut things abruptly and they need some transitional pain. Confused, I dunno why, but I get the impression that the magnitude of your grief is reversely proportional to the magnitude of the love you felt when you were with this woman. Face the truth! You are who you are and you can't change. It may only be temporarily until you get her to give you another chance. After a few weeks or months the whole scenario with repeat with even more dead cowboys and Indians. She is not in love with you. She told you that. If she made a mistake and now misses you, she will call you, right?
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by bstill COC, I've followed some of your posts here, and I am astounded by your progress. You've regained quite a bit of your composure, it seems. Thanks. The one thing I always do when I recognize a problem is talk, talk, talk until I can work all the details out of what went wrong, figure out a plan and then implement it. I've wondered about this sort of thing, too. I think it ends up being dependent on the circumstances of their last interactions. For example, say the dumpee doesn't take the news well, the dumper gets angry at having to deal with the flood of affection their decision to leave has brought about and resents the person they're dumping for making a difficult ordeal even moreso. The dumper has learned, unfortunately, that interaction with their partner now brings even greater emotional pain than that which was invovled in deciding to end the relationship in the first place. The dumped, however, has never really been given a chance. ALl of the above happens very very quickly in breakups, often during hte course of a conversation, during or the day after a breakup. So obviously the dumped is going to be upset and not thinking clearly about what their responsibility, if any, in the breakup was, and how they should handle the situation. "But let's say you KNOW the situation is hopeless and your ex is never going to worry about you or call, do you break no contact several months down the road to show them a piece of you or is that taboo?" One could of course do this, depending on the nature of the breakup, and it could be a fine idea, depending on how mcuh of you is motivated by shwoing them you've "changed." If you do call, you've got to be so casual you are almost comatose. NC is very stifling, emotionally, and feels unnatural. It helps to keep us from wasting our time and losing our respect. But it has costs, and they can take a long time to catch up to a person. Personally, I'm starting to feel very heavy inside because of it, and it ahs been more than a year. Very good analysis! Thank you.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX amen! Your breakup hasn't even been a few months yet has it, CIOC? Give it 6 months. At least. I know it seems too painful to imagine never talking to the person again. If you must, you could contact her in 6 months - 1 year from now. Does that sound like a REEEAALLY long time? It isn't. It's already been 7 months since my break up and it has flown by. I guess it helps that I don't have his new number (tells me something about just how little my ex wants to talk to me not to give me the new number) and now I couldn't care less. It's for the best I don't have his number because I was bad at NC. Last time I talked to him he said I was keeping him "scarred" by talking to him. Hopefully, by the time you get to 6 months you won't still want to talk to her, and you won't even care what she thinks of you or if she knows you have "changed." You are just full of emotions right now CIOC. Give it time. Easier said than done, I know...but you really need to. When you still care what your ex thinks of you, enough to want to show them this "change" then you are far from over it. Thanks. I am not saying this for my sake. But the topic interested me when I saw this suggested in another thread. I mean, if all hope is lost and you've recovered enough to show them are have changed (and you don't puy any moves on her) then what's to lose, right?
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky When you reach the point where it is safe to make contact, you'll no longer need to make contact because you won't care if they know you've changed. You really aren't even close to reaching that point. It's not FOR me. It was based off a question posed on another thread. What you've pointed out, I am well aware of.
Pocky Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC It's not FOR me. It was based off a question posed on another thread. What you've pointed out, I am well aware of. Do you save your pomposity for me or am I just lucky?
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Do you save your pomposity for me or am I just lucky? That's a perfectly normal reaction to anyone who incessantly states the obvious.
Pocky Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC That's a perfectly normal reaction to anyone who incessantly states the obvious. If my answer was obvious why did you ask this question? I mean, if you wanted to show him or her you have changed, isn't breaking NC the ONLY option if they aren't calling you? And in all honesty, my answer was a perfectly normal reaction to someone that obsesses over the same topic for weeks! Maybe obvious is what we need 'round these here parts.
Naive Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I think when someone breaks no contact for any reason it's because they realized that NC is not as good as it may seem.
A Fly On The Wall Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I agree with ~naive, But if you keep getting rejected..... But this is just Confused faultering and trying to figure out a reason to contact the ex in the future. In order for an Alcoholic to stay sober he must believe that the drink that he once loved he has to give up forever, One day at a time, You "Confused" need to believe this about contacting your Ex. Just give it up and go about your life AFOTW
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If my answer was obvious why did you ask this question? And in all honesty, my answer was a perfectly normal reaction to someone that obsesses over the same topic for weeks! Maybe obvious is what we need 'round these here parts. You can only say that if I am not making improvements and turning my newfound knowledge into action .
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ~Naive~ I think when someone breaks no contact for any reason it's because they realized that NC is not as good as it may seem. Both times I have broken NC in the early stages, I have deeply regretted it.
Pocky Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC No, I think I should be giving you this response. You ask a question, I answer and then you tell me my answer was obvious. Well if the answer was obvious there's no reason for the question, you banana! (that's for you Tiki) You can only say that if I am not making improvements and turning my newfound knowledge into action . I don't know - jury still out on that. You still seem pretty nutty to me.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky I don't know - jury still out on that. You still seem pretty nutty to me. Determined would be a better word. I am the kind of guy that will ask questions until there is nothing left to learn. It's a personality trait that might annoy some, I agree, but definitely makes me more knowledgeable. Pocky, don't get me wrong. A lot of your advice is dead on. It's when you deliver it sarcastically that I tend to ignore it. I realize you may not have the patience others have here with me, and I certainly recognize I can be annoying, but we're all here for support. When I feel I am not getting support or can't find the answers, I'll slowly fade away from LS and will try to stick to just giving information where I feel I can help.
alphamale Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC I am the kind of guy that will ask questions until there is nothing left to learn. It's a personality trait that might annoy some, I agree, but definitely makes me more knowledgeable. unfortuantely you are so busy asking question and posting comments that you are not listening to the answers and advice people give you. the key to learning and conversing is to listen, not to talk.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale unfortuantely you are so busy asking question and posting comments that you are not listening to the answers and advice people give you. the key to learning and conversing is to listen, not to talk. True. I've soaked up enough info to know what to do - and to implement it. I changed my avatar, didn't I?
Pocky Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC Pocky, don't get me wrong. A lot of your advice is dead on. It's when you deliver it sarcastically that I tend to ignore it. See, the thing is, I wasn't being sarcastic. I was seriously stating that when a person reaches the point where it is safe to make contact after no contact has been implemented, they generally don't even care about making contact to show they've changed. My second point about you was basically stating that you still cared way to much about the whole thing to even considering making contact again. I wasn't being sarcastic. Maybe you could not be so defensive.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky See, the thing is, I wasn't being sarcastic. I was seriously stating that when a person reaches the point where it is safe to make contact after no contact has been implemented, they generally don't even care about making contact to show they've changed. My second point about you was basically stating that you still cared way to much about the whole thing to even considering making contact again. I wasn't being sarcastic. Maybe you could not be so defensive. Agreed. Hard to interpret a tone over text. I am defensive...another place I can make an improvement. I shouldn't care what others think about me.
Miffy Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 I think a lot of us are here because at first we need a lot of help so ask for advice, listen then slowly move away from Loveshack. We are all still hurt in one way or another to still be on here, searching forums to find something similar to what we want to know or risking getting told as it is by posing a question. If we have to think about NC we are still hurting or caring too much. I find I am ok then slip into 'shall I contact mode'. A dangerous mood but if I can get by and do something else, read one of my self help books oir similar it passes. Its hard on the ego to think that the other person does not care about you but sadly in most cases it is true or they would be with you. But hey who hasn't been hurt - even the so called gorgeous people!
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