pbr Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 First post. Sorry it's so long. I'm having issues moving on from a relationship that ended due to my stupid behavior. I ended up moving to another state 7 years ago for work as I was not doing well work wise for some years. Met a woman, dated for several months, broke up, got back together, then broke up permanently only to discover she was pregnant. This is all within a year of me living in my new state. I was completely involved during the pregnancy and around the time our son was born we got back together and moved in. That lasted a year then I broke up with her and moved out when my son was about 1 year old. We remained close as we raised our son for several years. When my son was 3 or so she started making comments about how we're not a couple and shouldn't be hanging out together. I give her space and not come over so much and then inevitably after a month or so we'd go back to being friends and hanging out more. All during this time I was riddled with anxiety and indecision given my work situation as it was becoming sketchy like it was in my previous state. I had fear about how to make a living, how to support my son, myself. Is she going to stay here or maybe move which was discussed as a possible future plan. If so when. Really was hard to deal with at times. It got really bad several years ago then my work situation improved in mid 2014 and we started hanging out more and late last year talked about dating again. I remember after asking her out on a date was that the right thing to do as we had issues before. Move to early this year...I was at her house and she noticed a text on my phone from a friend whose quite a flirt mentioning she wanted to play pool dirty style. Of course she called me out on it. I had nothing to hide and mentioned there is nothing going on she's just a lousy flirt, etc, etc. I sensed she wasn't quite believing so sadly I lied and said she was married. I assume I did that to stop the conversation and avoid any more questions. I also had 2 glasses of wine but don't want to blame the alcohol for lying. Of course small town, she found out she wasn't married and all hell broke loose. Even more so when she called me on it and I continued to lie, only fessing up when my grave was dug. Stupid. That led to us moving apart as friends and becoming parents only. After begging we went to therapy for awhile and decided to get back to dating. Then I lied again about something stupid. Although I admitted to it this time when caught. We were able to overcome that and continue the dating. Cut to 6 weeks ago. I lied again when cornered and caught about something stupid that I had no business to lie about. I was too tired from work to visit my son which gives me great guilt and I lied that I was working still when I wasn't. No reason to lie. I could have said I'm too tired right now. That was it. Over. I don't want to be friends with you, in person or on facebook. And I don't want to be a part of your life. We are co-parents only. I want to preface that since my son was born I have been thru insane anxiety, stress and indecision. Fearful when I wasn't doing well here work wise how can I support my son, how am I going to make a living, etc. What is my future. This obviously carried over to my relationship and I became indecisive and fearful of making the wrong decisions there as well. I have not lied like that in previous relationships. So painful to have someone so chummy and friendly with you one day that you've been thru so much the last 7 years all of a sudden do a 180 and not want to hang out with you, or even talk to you outside things related to our son. I apologized repeatedly to her 6 weeks ago but she mentioned I was saying the same things I said earlier in the year when I lied. So I stopped as to no alienate her further. Then it hit me -- I truly wanted to help myself when we went to therapy earlier this year but the mistake I made was thinking that understanding why I would lie would be enough for me to fix my issue. But I did not deal with my "behavior" which is the biggest issue. I so want to tell her this now via email, that I do love her. Deeply. And I want to be in a relationship with her. But I obviously can't give her me until I can be me. I've had so much indecision and anxiety the last 5 years that it carried over to my relationships. Which obviously escalated when I've been cornered or felt guilty. I am so saddened that this lead to hurting her. I genuinely want to help myself and improve myself to be a better person. And a better father for that matter. But I think it's little too late to say that. And maybe selfish on my part. So now I see her 4 times a week when I pick up my son. I am obviously going to have to be around her for awhile. I have to figure out how to move on with my life when she is still in my life. And deal with the jealousy when she's dating again, etc. Hard for me currently as my whole social circle was around her. I have few friends outside her and zero support. I am trying to keep active, going to therapy and involving myself with meet up groups to help me along the way. But man it sucks.
itsallamystery Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 It sounds like its too late for you to fix your relationship. Never too late to be a better person, and certainly never too late to be a good father to your son. Start by not lying. It sounds like she did some crappy half invested things to you too, but there is no justification for lying. Children are great motivators for improving ourselves because I know for certain nobody wants their kids to go through what they did. Keep that in the back of your mind, and I think you'll start making better choices. Therapy always helps, and it also sounds like maybe you should see if there is a mutual friend that could help with your son going from you to her or vice versa since it sounds like the less contact you have with her the better.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Firstly, I have to say you don't get time off from being a father because you're too tired. What the heck, man?! Parenting doesn't work that way, and you now recognize, that's an extremely crappy thing to lie about. You signed up to be a dad. Secondly, you need to get to the bottom of why you have such trouble with being honest. What purpose does it serve you? (I mean that sincerely) Thirdly, I think it might be too late to rekindle a relationship. Keep doing what you're doing by getting more involved in social activities, widening your friend circle, and so on. Talk to your therapist about your lying and the best way forward as a father.
Author pbr Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 So I've doing good lately and we've had almost complete NC unless about my son which is usually via email. But today she calls me (she's on visiting her mom with our son) asking if I can watch her dog for a few days as her friend had to leave town unexpectedly. I said yes of course and no talk of anything else. But damn why me. I'm sure it was mostly due to me be close by but still. In a reverse case I would not have done that. I don't to be a part of your life but can you watch my dog?
mmcain Posted October 27, 2015 Posted October 27, 2015 PM me your birth dates and I will use Astrology to tell you why you met in the first place...
Author pbr Posted October 27, 2015 Author Posted October 27, 2015 I'm not reading too much into it. As I'm quite close in proximity to her friend and I do have a history with the dog I'm sure that was the only reason. But considering we're only 6 weeks removed from breaking up and she knows I'm quite despondent. I though it was an odd thing to do I guess. I've gone from denial/anger not wanting to believe the relationship is over and being hard on myself, to bargaining/acceptance. I know it's over but I want to make amends. I'm trying not to have the dog situation re-set my recovery timer and but me back to denial.
Recommended Posts