seekingluck Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 So I have been posting over a few weeks about a guy I am interested in. He is flirting but also sending a few mixed signals. We have been flirting more intensely for about 6 weeks now, and we are about to reach a tipping point. To recap: this started at work with a vendor. He lives far. We have mostly talked in the context of work (with a lot of derailing) and a few times outside of work and gone on an informal lunch date. But in a few weeks we won't be working together since I am starting a new job. When I told him, after congratulating me he suggested I come for a visit so we could celebrate in person. Now he has been hinting for months about me hanging out when I visit his town. And I hadn't gotten around to it (I have friends there too). Now visiting and going out sounds great to me but staying with him is out of the question. It feels like it sets up a wrong precedent at this stage. He mentioned he is single and knows I am. But I know his is juggling some options too. He is a flirt. He has plenty of female friends and I am sure half of them are waiting around till he is available. (I see the comments on his Facebook page - we are friends) To be honest I would do the same thing. . I can't read his behavior totally. We progresses into hugs for greetings and the last one from him was closer than the early ones but he is affectionate. I told him and would come to town, and gave an open timeline. We didn't really discuss it again. I got my tickets and texted him the details after he warned me of an upcoming trip near my window. We had a meeting today and he derailed it a little in order to show off. Namely he started a discussion that gave him an excuse to share a dapper photo of himself. Then we talked about my trip briefly today. Here what is tricky. Leading into the story he told me about a planned date with a former crush that he is also friends with. She flaked and mentioned plans with her boyfriend. It was a really thoughtful date. Then he made an activity suggestion for us to do that is quite date like. Or at least a special ocassion activity. I filled him in on what I wanted to do while I was in town (he knows I have friends to see) and then started planning a day incorporating my activities. He asked "we are going to hang out multiple times while you are here right?" So now I am trying to sort out how much time to spend with him and his intentions. He seems interested but also like he is juggling a few "interestings." It makes sense to me to just hang out and see where things go versus having a discussion ahead of time with an expectation of having fun. *there is no indication from him he is looking for a hookup. He asks about me, my interests, wants to see me succeed at work and praises me to my colleagues. He remembers details about me. All those little things that seem more like interest and less like hookup. I sort of wonder if he thinks I "friend zoned" him. I am flirting back. But I am really not the sort to say "I think you are attractive" or drop in innuendos. So not a hard press. What do you all think?!
itsallamystery Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 To recap: this started at work with a vendor. I'm sorry, but this is starting off bad. The only time ive seen the work thing actually work is when they are in the exact same position (greater interests that draw them together, not frequency or proximity of each other) He lives far. Are we talking car or plane? we won't be working together since I am starting a new job. When I told him, after congratulating me he suggested I come for a visit so we could celebrate in person. Now he has been hinting for months about me hanging out when I visit his town. wasnt sure about this until I read more...this sounds like he wanted to sleep with you, then when you become less available (i.e. your job was ending) he pursued you further.... But I know his is juggling some options too. He is a flirt. He has plenty of female friends and I am sure half of them are waiting around till he is available. Why is he not available? We had a meeting today and he derailed it a little in order to show off. Namely he started a discussion that gave him an excuse to share a dapper photo of himself. Thats attractive to you? If in context, that'd be cool. But it sounds like this guy is insecure proven by: Leading into the story he told me about a planned date with a former crush that he is also friends with. She flaked and mentioned plans with her boyfriend. It was a really thoughtful date. He asked "we are going to hang out multiple times while you are here right?" Either he is needy or just wants to have sex. So go with your gut of He seems interested but also like he is juggling a few "interestings." You've also given no indication of what YOU want. I'm assuming if you are traveling to him, you want more than just sex. I'd walk away from this one...just doesn't seem worth it...plus the distance plus too many bad variables. 1
Author seekingluck Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I'll clarify: I'm sorry, but this is starting off bad. The only time ive seen the work thing actually work is when they are in the exact same position (greater interests that draw them together, not frequency or proximity of each other) We've "worked together" for a year, but over the past few months just uncovered we have a lot in common. That is where the chemistry started - over the phone in conversation. We started being more friendly, talking about our weekends and the like and found out we had similar interests, similar upbringings, values and the like. Are we talking car or plane? Plane. Though he has immediate family where I live, and lived my area for several years. He essentially moved right around when we figured out we had lots in common. Still has a place where I live. wasnt sure about this until I read more...this sounds like he wanted to sleep with you, then when you become less available (i.e. your job was ending) he pursued you further.... I would have thought that if he wasn't super interested in me the person. I.e. learning about my friends, hobbies, interests etc. He has introduced me to some of his professional contacts and spoke highly of me to them. Basically he isn't trying to get rid of me. When we talk about non work stuff we talk about our family relationships and deeper getting to know you stuff. Why is he not available? He is singe right now, but I'd rate him as pretty good on paper so I think if you knew that you would hover around in case you have a chance. I have another male friend who has this "problem" basically half of the women he is friends with are or have been harboring a secret crush on him. Thats attractive to you? If in context, that'd be cool. But it sounds like this guy is insecure proven by: Maybe he is a bit insecure, perhaps in relationships. I am only getting hints here and there, and that is something to investigate. He is generally a confident guy, particularly professionally. I haven't talked to him enough to figure that part out. Maybe that is the worst thing about him. But it is definitely probably something else, that is off topic for this thread, but something I relate to and totally understand and we probably also have it in common, though we haven't talked about it yet. It will be an interesting thing to discuss... Either he is needy or just wants to have sex. So go with your gut of ... You've also given no indication of what YOU want. I'm assuming if you are traveling to him, you want more than just sex. I'd walk away from this one...just doesn't seem worth it...plus the distance plus too many bad variables. There are a few things I can't quite read with this guy. He is not hot and cold. But he is totally a flirty person, how many other people is he charming right now? So I am trying to nail down intent: friendly or not. But here is the deal, we have amazing chemistry. It is so easy to talk to him. It is like talking to my oldest friend and I hardly know him. We have all the same references, he gets all of my jokes. It is seriously awesome! We have so much fun when we are supposed to be working. We have lots of similar interests, I see him fitting right in with my friend circle and we have similar friends. When an acquaintance of mine noticed I was Facebook friends with him, she was like "oh I had no idea you knew him, he is awesome." I think he is attractive, but I am mostly attracted to him as a person on lots of levels. He even meets many things on my "list." I get a good vibe from him. Maybe he is trying a little hard to be "cool" but it could be nervousness. One on one he seems really genuine. The distance isn't a deal breaker since he comes to visit on a regular basis, and has close ties to where I live. I have some warm ties where he is. Yellow flags: He is more sensitive than I am. And really earnest with his feelings. I have a low attachment personality, and I think he attaches a lot easier than I do. I am not going to say I have no feelings, but I am on that edge of the spectrum. That could lead to conflict. He is already little invested in things that make me happy - this is not a bad thing - but for someone like me it is a little early. He is not going overboard by any means, but he is making an effort. He is super supportive, and by this I mean he wants to be there to talk through stuff and be a listening ear. I don't always appreciate that, but it feels nice with him. He is one of those guys that has lots of female friends. Now I would worry that he only wants sex if the outings he suggested sounded like "netflix and chill." But the ideas he have in mind are date-like and stuff I wanted to do or would just generally do: restaurants, museums, parks, and other activities that are out and about in the world, not inside his apartment. How can I be mad if he wants to dress up and go somewhere! I am totally excited about the trip, because it feels like we have been connecting in a special way, but haven't really had an opportunity yet to actually focus on getting to know each other. This is a good opportunity. But I am still not sure if he wants to be friends or more. Edited October 23, 2015 by seekingluck
Mystique01 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 He is one of those guys that has lots of female friends. Mmmm...... I hate to be Negative Nancy here, but in my past previous experience, guys who tend to have a lot of "female friends" never ended up being serious boyfriends. In fact, I found that a lot of them ended up being players and just liked having a lot of girls on their jock. I think there's a difference between a guy a LOT of girls like/or are drawn to because he has good qualities, vs. a guy who has a TON of female friends simply because he likes attention and playing the field. I'm not saying that THIS guy is like this, and I don't know what age range you guys are, but at my age (early 30's), a guy having a LOT of female friends is now a bit of a red flag to me. That's like a woman who has a TON of male friends. I mean.... it could be nothing , but a lot of times it's not always a good sign. I would go slow with this one honestly. Not just because of the female friends, but mainly because anytime a guy has given me "mixed" signs or hot & cold signals, it's usually never been a good sign. Nothing deep ever came of it. My experience has shown me that when a guy is TRULY into me, is available (ie. meaning not sampling other goods at the same time), and most importantly READY to start a serious relationship with me, it's usually pretty OBVIOUS. He is pretty straight-forward, he pursues me, and there aren't any guessing games. I don't wonder in other words. Anytime I've been "wondering" or been getting "mixed signals", a real true relationship never actually came out of it. Now I take "mixed signs" as a signal to me that a guy isn't serious about me. Call me "Negative Nancy" lol, but this has usually been my personal experience. Hope everything works out for you!
Author seekingluck Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Mmmm...... I hate to be Negative Nancy here, but in my past previous experience, guys who tend to have a lot of "female friends" never ended up being serious boyfriends. In fact, I found that a lot of them ended up being players and just liked having a lot of girls on their jock. I think there's a difference between a guy a LOT of girls like/or are drawn to because he has good qualities, vs. a guy who has a TON of female friends simply because he likes attention and playing the field. This I have no idea about yet! Most because we haven't interacted a ton. But the one mutual friend we have is someone I know is really picky about who she lets in, so I think she is a good judge of character. It is probably more like the former than the latter. He comes across as a generally great friend. But my assumption is that it is hard to differentiate what is friend behavior from him vs more than friends. For lack of a better term, he seems like an exceptionally dedicated friend. And it feels like I have moved into that list pretty fast. Which is what is a bit confusing. ...... I would go slow with this one honestly. Not just because of the female friends, but mainly because anytime a guy has given me "mixed" signs or hot & cold signals, it's usually never been a good sign. Nothing deep ever came of it. My experience has shown me that when a guy is TRULY into me, is available (ie. meaning not sampling other goods at the same time), and most importantly READY to start a serious relationship with me, it's usually pretty OBVIOUS. He is pretty straight-forward, he pursues me, and there aren't any guessing games. I don't wonder in other words. Anytime I've been "wondering" or been getting "mixed signals", a real true relationship never actually came out of it. Now I take "mixed signs" as a signal to me that a guy isn't serious about me. Call me "Negative Nancy" lol, but this has usually been my personal experience. Hope everything works out for you! Letting him take the lead here! On the whole I get good vibes. He's been sharing personal stuff with me, is appreciative of my "attention," is complementary, and is genuinely excited when we interact. But I know, as a generally happy person, I can come across that way too! I am also totally clueless about signals, you really have to hit me over the head. Otherwise I just think you are friendly. And you lose a lot of nuance when you mostly interact on the phone/skype. But he seems pretty excited about my trip, so I hope things feel a lot clearer afterwards.
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