OhGeezNotAgain Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 So I had just started dating this woman and the chemistry was great. She recently just wrote me that she's a mess right now and she's focusing on sorting through stuff and can't see me. She said she had a great time with me but needs to figure stuff out before I get involved. I take this as that crappy "It's not you, it's me" line. My guy friends agree but my female friends say that she's putting me off and is probably going to contact me again. What are the odds of this? She basically said the I.N.Y.I.M line yeah? 1
kismetkismet Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 no way to know for sure! I've said that to guys before and been truthful about it. But it was as much about the fact that i didn't really feel we were compatible as that my life was in chaos. I wouldn't just make up the messy life out of nowhere, but if i thought the person was someone I could really have a future with I wouldn't let them go so easily I don't think. Though they do say that timing has a lot to do with the success of a relationship. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Figure stuff out means...I like you but there is this other guy that turns me on (could be someone rose she is dating or recent ex) 1
Author OhGeezNotAgain Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Yeah. It is impossible to tell. She said she had last dated someone about 9 months ago for 4 months and then they were on and off for 5 months until July. She's also got a lot on her plate right now, but if you're interested, you make time. I'm assuming she's not over this guy. I just haven't met someone with this much chemistry and substance in such a long time. I think I got too emotionally involved too fast. *sigh* I don't get excited often, but when I do... Man. I get excited. I'm definitely not waiting around but I do hope she gets in touch with me. I'll either be single or I'll be dating. Things get complicated the older you get!
Ami1uwant Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Yeah. It is impossible to tell. She said she had last dated someone about 9 months ago for 4 months and then they were on and off for 5 months until July. She's also got a lot on her plate right now, but if you're interested, you make time. I'm assuming she's not over this guy. I just haven't met someone with this much chemistry and substance in such a long time. I think I got too emotionally involved too fast. *sigh* I don't get excited often, but when I do... Man. I get excited. I'm definitely not waiting around but I do hope she gets in touch with me. I'll either be single or I'll be dating. Things get complicated the older you get! Remember what I said.... You never assume you are the only one she is initially dating. There is 1 or 2 other guys just like yourself she had 1-2 dates with...now she needs to decide which one to choose. As for making time..sometimes you just can't even if you really like her. You can't sacrifice your career over a new relationship. I dated some one I liked but her normal work schedule was opposite of mine. She worked 12 hr graveyard shifts on the weekend every weekend starting Friday night thru Sunday night then did another day every two weeks. I worked a 9-5 job so there was just no way for us to date. Had she Ben on some rotational shift but it wasn't it. I also lived about SN hr away from her which would limit dating to the weekend.
Author OhGeezNotAgain Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I would normally agree, but I asked her if she was dating anyone else, early on, and she said no. I don't particularly think she'd lie about that. She has no reason to. She asked me and I said I was on dating sites but nothing beyond a date or two. She's a family and couples therapist. Not the type to lie, but then again, she's a human being. Her friend who's a therapist liked me, too. Oh well.LA... Huge city with very attractive women here. Just not with substance. Egomaniacs. Hot egomaniacs. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 How / where did you meet? If it was on a dating site then the assumption would be that anyone posting a profile online is "ready" to date. Whether or not they're still carrying baggage from whatever is besides the point since we're all guilty of doing that in one form or another. The fact that she suddenly informs you that she's actually a hot mess after a few dates and great chemistry would suggest pretty strongly that she's giving you the brush off. If that's not enough to convince you, consider the fact that she "wrote you" instead of having the decency to tell you face to face. You're not teenagers after all. That kind of says it all in my books. Sorry OP. Wish her well and move on. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 She is probably thinking this... "gee, this guy is amazing, i did not expect this, i don't think i am ready" 1
Versacehottie Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I would normally agree, but I asked her if she was dating anyone else, early on, and she said no. I don't particularly think she'd lie about that. She has no reason to. She asked me and I said I was on dating sites but nothing beyond a date or two. She's a family and couples therapist. Not the type to lie, but then again, she's a human being. Her friend who's a therapist liked me, too. Oh well.LA... Huge city with very attractive women here. Just not with substance. Egomaniacs. Hot egomaniacs. lol, i "liked" your post before I got to the last few of sentences. Well, I like it enough that the "like" stays---even though I don't agree that LA girls don't have substance. It may not be to first thing you notice and it may be a bit harder to find but yes there's substance here. Anyway, I do agree. She has no reason to lie at the beginning. And based on who she "is", I also don't think she is lying. (though I am wondering how a therapist has a life that's a mess?!?!) People are too quick to jump to "there must be someone else" as the reason. I think she would just tell you that in your situation. I do think one of the alternative possibilities, is if someone feels their life is messy and too chaotic, they might be hesitant to expose their less-than-ideal self to someone they really like. Never know. I generally think, whether it's timing or chemistry or whatever, the real answer that you should walk away with is that at the moment, there is just not enough "there" for her to want to move forward. It could be her solely, her feelings about you solely or a combination of things. For whatever reason, she is not motivated and/or protecting herself. I wouldn't hold your breath but I wouldn't cut her off. She's treated you respectfully and if you chose to believe her reason/statement, then believe it, give her the benefit of the doubt and be open to what the future may hold. Good luck 1
Popsicle Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I, personally, would take that is putting me off. Meaning, it's finished. 1
itsallamystery Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Let it mean just that. When people give you bias answers its usually because they're basing it off being screwed over in the past...And IMHO theres not many options beyond inquiring about it (if you really truly do care enough that is) and giving her space because: A. If she's giving you a line. Great tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. You saved yourself time and effort. B. She's being honest, in which case you should respect the fact that she can't devote time to a relationship (which would indicate a winner in my book) C. She's playing the field. see A. May be tough, but try to wrangle those emotions bro. (I'm working on that) because investing too much too soon is never good in my book. I've attracted psychotic women that way. Dont put any stock in peoples jobs as it related to their personal life either. Also, how long have you been dating, how frequent, how intense are the dates etc...I think these things play serious factors in whether you should be upset that she isnt more revealing and how you should respond.
Maggie4 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Any way you look at it, she's no good for you. Either she lied and said INYIM, or she really is a mess. If she is a mess do you really want that? And if she sees you as a prospect, why would she tell you she's trouble, unless she thinks it's ok to be a mess, in which case she thrives on drama or she usually doesn't have her life together. It's a no win scenario. So there's no point trying to figure out what's going on. 2
central Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 She blowing you off, but there is a slight chance that she is a mess and needs time (in which case you might be best off blowing her off). In such situations, I accept her statements at face value, and suggest she call me when she's straightened herself out - if she's still interested. I know she almost certainly never will, and I just move on. Maybe someday she will call, but by then I'm probably dating someone else and won't care.
PegNosePete Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 What does it matter? She doesn't want to see you again. Just move on, focus your attention elsewhere. If she pops up again in a few weeks/months and you're still single then maybe you could see what happens but don't put your life on hold for her. 1
katiegrl Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) Yeah. It is impossible to tell. She said she had last dated someone about 9 months ago for 4 months and then they were on and off for 5 months until July. She's also got a lot on her plate right now, but if you're interested, you make time. I'm assuming she's not over this guy. I just haven't met someone with this much chemistry and substance in such a long time. I think I got too emotionally involved too fast. *sigh* I don't get excited often, but when I do... Man. I get excited. I'm definitely not waiting around but I do hope she gets in touch with me. I'll either be single or I'll be dating. Things get complicated the older you get! Did you meet her on a dating site? If so, agree with Michelle ma Belle, why would she advertise herself on a dating site if her life is too much of a mess to date? Does this make sense to anyone? If you didn't meet on a dating site, then it's possible, but one has to wonder how a therapist allows her life to become such a mess, that she is incapable of dating a guy she really likes. Or maybe she really doesn't like you (enough to date), and was just using it as an excuse. I vote for that, just my opinion. Edited October 23, 2015 by katiegrl
Zippy2000 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I wish people would stop using acronyms on here. I mean what does "INYIM" stand for? DYNWM? oh, TFAR! 1
Guyouthere Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 This last girl i was with also did this. I caught on to it, and didn't tolerate it. Why do I say this? Because she was all "into me" UNTIL she found the "right" other guy to be with (happens to look like her ex too). Look, be realistic,,,, IF the girl really loves you, she won't be giving you a line like that at all. She WILL do all she can to KEEP you, not give an excuse why she can't "at this time". Smart guys see it for what it is. I did too. Learn from it and others. Be a man, don't fall for this crap she has thrown at you. Find someone who wants you.
pcs13 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I used the same line with the guy I'm not interested in because I'm seeing someone else. I said so because I wanted to put him down nicely in case things don't work out with this current guy, I could contact him later.
Maggie4 Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I wish people would stop using acronyms on here. I mean what does "INYIM" stand for? DYNWM? oh, TFAR! Read the original post (OP). he wrote out what it is. "It's not you it's me". Once it's been defined in the OP, it can be used thereafter in the same thread because we assume you read the OP. But cannot be used in a different thread for obvious reasons.
walkingonair Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 So I had just started dating this woman and the chemistry was great. She recently just wrote me that she's a mess right now and she's focusing on sorting through stuff and can't see me. She said she had a great time with me but needs to figure stuff out before I get involved. I take this as that crappy "It's not you, it's me" line. My guy friends agree but my female friends say that she's putting me off and is probably going to contact me again. What are the odds of this? She basically said the I.N.Y.I.M line yeah? Sometimes you actually do like someone and think their great but you're emotionally unavailable because of a past relationship that didn't work. She might contact you again in the future when she gets over her recent breakup which is probably why she doesn't want to see you. 1
Author OhGeezNotAgain Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I met her at a show my friend was playing at. Instant kind of connection. She doesn't do online drink and she is really bad with social media. She FB friends me and she doesn't post on it, most likely due to her job. In any case... I don't think she's lying or dating around. She is studying for a huge licensing exam and in all honesty she most likely just doesn't have time to focus on anyone but her career. If she fails his test it's a long road back to re-taking it. I had a great time with her and haven't felt a connection that strongly in quite some time. I think it just means I am making headway in all aspects of my life. I met someone quality and I know I will meet someone quality again... Oh. I didn't mean everyone in LA has no substance, I've just been meeting a lot of youngsters a decade plus younger than me, in their early to mid twenties. I met a woman last night. She was gorgeous. My bar buddy gave me a heads up that she had slipped her ring finger off her hand into her purse. We went to dinner and talked (insta date) and she invited me back to her house. I declined. She asked why and I said, "what should your husband think about this?" I dodged that bullet! One more thing... If you're social media friends, and you dump someone you just started datingc wouldn't you unfriend them? That seems a tad odd that she's kept me on their.
Versacehottie Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I met her at a show my friend was playing at. Instant kind of connection. She doesn't do online drink and she is really bad with social media. She FB friends me and she doesn't post on it, most likely due to her job. In any case... I don't think she's lying or dating around. She is studying for a huge licensing exam and in all honesty she most likely just doesn't have time to focus on anyone but her career. If she fails his test it's a long road back to re-taking it. I had a great time with her and haven't felt a connection that strongly in quite some time. I think it just means I am making headway in all aspects of my life. I met someone quality and I know I will meet someone quality again... Oh. I didn't mean everyone in LA has no substance, I've just been meeting a lot of youngsters a decade plus younger than me, in their early to mid twenties. I met a woman last night. She was gorgeous. My bar buddy gave me a heads up that she had slipped her ring finger off her hand into her purse. We went to dinner and talked (insta date) and she invited me back to her house. I declined. She asked why and I said, "what should your husband think about this?" I dodged that bullet! One more thing... If you're social media friends, and you dump someone you just started datingc wouldn't you unfriend them? That seems a tad odd that she's kept me on their. To be fair, a friend of mine just went through the same thing. She was finally ready to date after breaking up with long-term bf. I think she thought she would just date around and not get serious just yet as she was really working on her career--that was her top priority. At first the sheer number of guys that were interested in her started overwhelming her and she realized she was getting distracted. Two of the guys kinda stood out and before she knew what happened she was in a fairly serious relationship (the time it took up was serious and he was serious about her for sure). She was getting distracted the whole time and I think that was part of what she half-wanted WAS a distraction. But like your girl, she had a licensing test coming and realized as that deadline was approaching that she couldn't/didn't want to juggle it all. They actually survived through that time but not without her putting on weight (which she hated! of course), him calling her a mess and her feeling resentful of his need for her time. I could tell because I know her well that he was just a distraction and that he would LAST much longer past the licensing portion. And he didn't. So people do all sorts of things. In the case of my friend, she really did have other priorities. I don't think she liked him enough though that it would have survived at ALL if she didn't and dating was her true top priority. Basically, she like your girl was at a transition stage in life. They only care about themselves at this stage. And rightfully so, they are not in a position to care about much else.
Ami1uwant Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Did you meet her on a dating site? If so, agree with Michelle ma Belle, why would she advertise herself on a dating site if her life is too much of a mess to date? Does this make sense to anyone? If you didn't meet on a dating site, then it's possible, but one has to wonder how a therapist allows her life to become such a mess, that she is incapable of dating a guy she really likes. Or maybe she really doesn't like you (enough to date), and was just using it as an excuse. I vote for that, just my opinion. Generally true but one big exception..... Someone starting to date after a long marriage/relationship ends. You never know if you are ready till you go on a date.
Author OhGeezNotAgain Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 Well things have turned out interesting. I sent he a drunken text at 4 AM on Saturday, with a link to a Bright Eyes video. Total mix tape style cheese balls. I was blacked out drunk and imagine the horror to waking up to that... She replied in the afternoon that she likes talking to me a lot and that it was a delightful surprise to wake up to. What does that mean? I know I'm over thinking this but I'm still at a loss for how to proceed. I don't want to push her away. *sigh* it's the ones I want that go running. It's the ones I could give two ****s about that are pulled in like a magnet.
Author OhGeezNotAgain Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 So I ended up texting her a few days ago to test out her reaction. We were chatting for a while and then I asked if she wanted to go see a movie she had mentioned previously. I said I wanted more than just something plutonic, but we could be friends because she's really cool. She went dead air on me until the next morning. She said she fell asleep and that she would love to check the movie out with me. No mention of it just being as friends. Should I assume this is another date or just a friendly hang out? Thoughts?
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