10 months later - It does get better

[Dondon]

Hi Loveshack!

 

It's been a while since i was last here on these boards. Around 5 months according to my posts. At that time i felt that this board is holding me back. Every time i came here i started thinking about her. So i decided to leave and get better and then come back and give an update on my life. It's a bit long, but i hope someone on this forum will find it useful. Just as i did when i first joined this forums.

 

My ex girlfriend broke up with me last December, after being together for 2 years. So it's been around 10 months since my BU (i went NC 2 days after). It was a roller coaster and i think i truly had hit rock bottom. I mean the first weeks after BU were the toughest and saddest part of my life. I was a mess.

 

Long story short, she broke up with me because she had some unresolved issues from her childhood (abuse, divorce), which affected her feelings towards me. At least that's what she told me. But a few weeks later i found out, that stuff about her past, even if it was based on truth, was used just as an excuse to dump me for another guy. She met that guy a week or two before our BU, fell in love with him and threw me away like a piece of trash. If anyone wants to know more details you can look up my posts.

 

As i said we were together for 2 years and i really believed she was "the one". The day we met at a party we ended up talking for 4 hours! A few days later i invited her on our first date. Just a drink and a nice night walk around a lake which ended 5 hours later. I mean i felt like we knew each other for years. It was so easy talking to her about everything and she was so nice and lovely. Anyway we started talking each day, seeing each other almost every day and soon we were spending days and nigths together at each others families. My family loved her, her family loved me. I just got that feeling, we were meant for each other. We did so many things together. From traveling, to taking dance classes, from running to cooking. We loved going out on a daily trips and spending time with our friends. For our 2 year anniversary i took her to Paris. Spending a night on top of the Eiffel Tower with a glass of champagne in our hands was just the peak. And

this happened just a few weeks before our BU. So yeah i loved her with all my heart and that's why BU was so hard on me. I did so many nice romantic gestures for her. Hell, one day before she broke up with me i made a nice, romantic dinner with candles and flowers.

 

Anyway 10 months later i feel good. I got a promotion at work, i went back to school to get my degree and i made a lot of new friends. And the most important thing, i realized that my past relationship was a lesson, a really hard lesson that taught me a lot about myself, relationships and what i want and deserve in my life. And i deserve more and better than her. I'm happy again and this is something i didn't believe in back then. I'm not totally over her yet, i still think about her, but it doesn't affect me anymore. I don't want her back and i know i'm better off without her. I don't care that she has a new boyfriend (a new guy, not the one she left me for) and i believe that there is someone better for me out there. Someone who will love me as much as i'll love her, someone who will respect me, trust me and believe in us.

 

So for all new people here, IT DOES GET BETTER! And here are some tips to remember as you're healing from a breakup.

 

1.) NO CONTACT - You're probably tired of hearing this but it's for your own good. Don't stay in contact with your ex, they left you. If they want to come back, they will do anything. Remove your ex from your facebook, instagram, etc.. You don't want to see pictures of them having a great time without you, or even worse their new boyfriend/girlfriend. Delete their number from your phone, so you don't call and text when you're drunk. OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND. Cut them out of your life, even if they want to stay friends with you. The best thing i did for myself was to never contact her. In 10 months we didn't speak a word. I guess i have to be grateful she didn't contact me in this time. Knowing her she's to afraid to do it even if she wanted to. We saw each other once, a few days ago on a street and that's the reason i'm writing this. I made eye contact with her, said hi and went on and believe me, she was a lot more uncomfortable that i was. I mean she barely looked me in the eyes. You will have weak moments, so did i, but you have to do this. For you own good, do not contact them.

 

2.) TIME - Yeah it's a cliche but it's true. TIME HEAL ALL WOUNDS. The first month after BU was hell. Next 4-5 months were just a big roller coaster, with good and bad days. But then it got better. I had more and more good days, and less bad days. You just have to accept the fact, that you will have bad days and that healing doesn't happen in a straight line. Nothing is permanent and the pain will eventually pass.

 

3.) GRIEVE, CRY, LET IT OUT - It's okay if you cry. It's natural that you're sad and depressed. Don't suppress your feeling. Let it all out. I spent the first 2 weeks in my bed watching movies and tv series. I woke up, went to work, came back home and spent the rest of the day watching tv. The first weeks are time to grieve and if you don't do it, it will probably come back later. But believe me, with time you won't cry anymore, you won't be sad anymore and it will start to get better. Work through your grief, but don't allow yourself to wallow in it for too long. After some time you realize that the only person, who is making you feel bad, is yourself.

 

4.) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF - I think it's very common to stop taking care of yourself when you're going through breakup. You stop eating, you're not exercising anymore, you start drinking or maybe taking drugs, etc.. Although i didn't have problem with eating, i did stop doing exercises. And later when i got out of my bed, i got wasted with my friends regularly. It's a bad choice, believe me. Yeah it feels better at the time and you have some fun, but when you wake up the next morning you feel twice as bad. You have one life, don't waste it doing unhealthy stuff like that. I stopped drinking for a while and started going to the gym. I'm in the best shape of my life right now and i look really good. Find something that will make you happy. Running, hiking, playing sports or going to the gym. Just get your ass out there and you will feel so much better.

 

5.) GET BUSY - After the first hard weeks you have to start keeping you busy. Less time to think about your ex the better. Read some self-improvement books, watch movies and tv series. Go to the gym, go running or hiking. Being active is probably the best way to keep yourself occupied. Find a new hobby. Go shopping, get a new haircut. Treat yourself with something special. Remember, you are the most important person and you deserve the best.

 

6.) TRAVEL - One of the best things i did after BU was to go traveling. If only i would have gone sooner. In July i went traveling through Europe with a friend for a month and it was spectacular. It was by far the best vacation i had in my life and i could say it was the best month in my life. I saw so many beautiful places, met some amazing people and did so many great and (good) stupid things. Remembering all this makes me smile. I'm already planing something similar for next year. Man it will be great.

 

7.) WAIT SOME TIME BEFORE YOU START DATING - I think it's very important that you use time after BU for yourself. Don't go out dating other people just because you're lonely and you want someone with you. You will end up hurting yourself and especially the other person. And you don't want to be that person. Stay single and learn more about yourself and what can you improve in yourself so you will be ready when the next relationship comes along. In 10 months i didn't go on one date. I just don't want to right now. That doesn't mean you have to wait as long. When you feel you are ready to date you should. I'm focused on my work, school, gym and my family and friends. Of course i had a nice number of hookups with different women. I guess the first time was just so my ex wasn't the last person i had sex with. It felt strange and different, but you get used to. After some time you will really enjoy it. And you will learn some new tricks too.

 

8.) YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE AGAIN - Right now you probably believe you won't meet someone as special as your ex. You will be single for the rest of you life, blah blah. WRONG. You will find someone even more amazing that your ex. I promise you. You just have to make yourself happy and available first. There are so many nice people out there. I met a really amazing woman 6 months after BU. She had a great personality and she was really lovely. But i just wasn't ready and i couldn't give her everything. I really didn't want to hurt her. And now we're really good friends and i can talk to her about everything. Maybe one day you know.

 

 

I know breakups are really difficult and probably one of the worst or maybe even the worst thing you will go through. But you will feel better and you will be happy again.

In the end you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Remember after breakup the battle isn't getting them back, it's getting you back.

 

 

Here are two threads from LS that stayed in my memory. Worth reading.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-you-ve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted

[makemineamac]

How great that you've reached this point after your relationship and can now offer some sound advice for those of us trying to accept loss.

 

i will heed your advice, and am one of many I'm sure that are happy to hear you are doing so well, and are also having a great time. Bravo!

[Bo34]

Great read, OP. One thing that caught my eye is when you said that you stopped coming on to this site because you felt that it was holding you back. I think I'm at that stage right now. I've had some incredible ppl give me advice and learned all I possibly could being on here (which is A LOT!!) but I feel that every time I come back here, I get reminded about the past. The breakup. The ex. Those feelings. I think I should take a break like you did, too sometime soon.

[Dondon]

Thank you both! I'm just glad that i could help someone. When i came to this site i was so grateful for every advice and every story. I spent hours on this forum, just reading through different threads. I think i read half the threads in this forum. It might sound strange, but knowing that i was not alone in this, made me feel better.

 

I don't know if i could have went through my breakup without loveshack. And surely i wouldn't have kept NC all this time. But i did and that's why i wanted to come back and help other people who're going through the same thing i did.

 

@Bo34

 

Yeah i know what you mean. I felt the same way and leaving this site was the right decision. The first week was hard, because i was so used to coming here when i felt down. But i worked through that and soon i didn't even remember anymore. Go for it, it will be a step forward.

 

 

If anyone has any questions or wants some advice feel free to ask. I'm here to help you as much as i can. I owe so much to this site and i want to give it back.

[jmw1727]

Excellent post, OP. This is just what I needed to get me going today. Your post gives me hope and some perspective. I am four months into my BU and I am in the stage of good and bad days. I have more good than bad, but I still find myself beating myself up for having the bad days. Thanks for your insight and advice. Most importantly, congrats to you for being strong throughout this whole process and the success/happiness you have found!

[TheLoveBelow92]

Very well said, it gives light to people when they feel there's none only if I could of read this months ago I would of healed myself a lot sooner, Props to you tho great post and very much enjoyed it.

 

I think your right about leaving this forum for a while because since my break up I've had nothing to hold onto since and these websites are the only thing I hold onto because I feel its the only attachment I have left to remind me and your right also friends have been right, its just another step and maybe the final one.

 

The hardest part for me was holding onto something for months that wasnt and hasnt been there for a long time, Hope can be a dangerous thing.

 

Thanks for sharing

Edited October 23, 2015 by TheLoveBelow92
wanting to add more

[Luke22]

Most uplifting post I've read. Thank you. Perfect timing. I'm only one month post B/U and I'm becoming annoyed with the intrusive thinking/memories... This is what I needed to take the next step and keep moving. The worst is behind me, now I just need to push forward. Your posting gave me a much needed boost. Thank you. Very glad for you!

[erklat]

I also had to leave this forum for couple of months back then. When you are here you keep looking for false hope and you are constantly reliving your breakup.

[Dondon]

Very glad to see that a simple post can help so many people. It's a good feeling knowing such a small gesture can have a big impact on someone.

 

@jmw1727

 

Don't beat yourself up just because you have a bad day. I'm 10 months on and i still have a bad day here and there. The important thing is that you don't give up because of one bad day. Be positive and take your time. Everything is gonna be allright.

 

@Luke22

 

Glad i could be of help. Yes the worst is behind you. You will still have bad days though but don't let that bring you down. You just have to accept that it takes time. It's been only 1 month so it's pretty normal that you still feel like that. Keep your NC, be positive and look forward.