jam.over.jelly Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 So I've been involved with this guy for about a month or two now. Nothing serious, he's sort of my booty call. I call him when I want company and cuddle. We had sex twice, and hung out a couple times when I was out with my friends. We never talked about expectations regarding our "relationship". I assumed he knew what it was: just a booty call. Lately he's been getting on my nerve with all the texting. I don't respond to his texts, but he still texts me. Nothing crazy, one text a day, usually asking me how my day is going. I rarely respond. I finally told him that I'm not a phone person, and I will hit him up when I have time. He left me alone for a couple days, and back to texting everyday again. Last night I was out with friends and bumped into him at a bar. I didn't drive so he drove me home, I told him he should stay over which he did. We didn't have sex, just cuddling. He kissed me when he left this morning, I told him to drive safe, and told him to "Text me later or something", which I soon realized I should not have said that. Ugh! And he said "I will. Go back to sleep. Love you". I was shocked, but didn't want to make it awkward, I went back to sleep. When I woke up, he left his charger there so I texted him to tell him that. He said he did it on purpose so he could have an excuse to come back and see me tonight. OMG I'm freakin out. What should I do?! This is so awkward for me! I think my actions speak louder than anything! That I don't want anything serious with him. But he doesn't seem to get it. I want to ask him about what he told me this morning. But then again, what if he just said that by mistake? Then bringing it up would be so weird. Plus I like having sex with him and I do enjoy his company, just don't see myself in a romantic way with him. Any advice?
Wewon Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 OMG I'm freakin out. What should I do?! This is so awkward for me! I think my actions speak louder than anything! That I don't want anything serious with him. But he doesn't seem to get it. You're best to explicitly state what you want and the terms on which you want it (the way you did here). When people want to hear something or believe something they will interpret "hints" in order to validate themselves. One of the reasons that hinting is a poor form of communications. 5
PaperCrane Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 So I've been involved with this guy for about a month or two now. Nothing serious, he's sort of my booty call. I call him when I want company and cuddle. We had sex twice, and hung out a couple times when I was out with my friends. We never talked about expectations regarding our "relationship". I assumed he knew what it was: just a booty call. Lately he's been getting on my nerve with all the texting. I don't respond to his texts, but he still texts me. Nothing crazy, one text a day, usually asking me how my day is going. I rarely respond. I finally told him that I'm not a phone person, and I will hit him up when I have time. He left me alone for a couple days, and back to texting everyday again. Last night I was out with friends and bumped into him at a bar. I didn't drive so he drove me home, I told him he should stay over which he did. We didn't have sex, just cuddling. He kissed me when he left this morning, I told him to drive safe, and told him to "Text me later or something", which I soon realized I should not have said that. Ugh! And he said "I will. Go back to sleep. Love you". I was shocked, but didn't want to make it awkward, I went back to sleep. When I woke up, he left his charger there so I texted him to tell him that. He said he did it on purpose so he could have an excuse to come back and see me tonight. OMG I'm freakin out. What should I do?! This is so awkward for me! I think my actions speak louder than anything! That I don't want anything serious with him. But he doesn't seem to get it. I want to ask him about what he told me this morning. But then again, what if he just said that by mistake? Then bringing it up would be so weird. Plus I like having sex with him and I do enjoy his company, just don't see myself in a romantic way with him. Any advice? Uhm I'm not even quite sure what you want. I feel a lot of wishy washy here. A lot. You say these things, but your actions speak far against what you think. To me they say; that you like him enough to have sex with him, trust him enough to have him sleep over, are intimate enough to simply cuddle and not have sex, you communicated your stance on phones without other information. They say what hurts relationships and budding ones is S.C.U.M and falling in love too fast or slow and sexual incompatibility. Right now the Sex is good, he sees you Communicating, he isn't aware of any Unmet expectations, and I assume right now Money isn't a factor. You're both sexually compatible...so the only thing here I see is an emotional block for some reason. You ASSUMED he knew without giving any other information? String along much? If I were him, I'd probably do the same thing. You need to explain to him your stance on this, clearly, with words. Do not hem and haw about it either. Why do you shut down the idea of romance with him? I could be wrong here...but if you didn't care about him very much, why are you freaking out? I think perhaps you like him more than you care to admit to yourself. 2
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Uhm I'm not even quite sure what you want. I feel a lot of wishy washy here. A lot. You say these things, but your actions speak far against what you think. To me they say; that you like him enough to have sex with him, trust him enough to have him sleep over, are intimate enough to simply cuddle and not have sex, you communicated your stance on phones without other information. They say what hurts relationships and budding ones is S.C.U.M and falling in love too fast or slow and sexual incompatibility. Right now the Sex is good, he sees you Communicating, he isn't aware of any Unmet expectations, and I assume right now Money isn't a factor. You're both sexually compatible...so the only thing here I see is an emotional block for some reason. You ASSUMED he knew without giving any other information? String along much? If I were him, I'd probably do the same thing. You need to explain to him your stance on this, clearly, with words. Do not hem and haw about it either. Why do you shut down the idea of romance with him? I could be wrong here...but if you didn't care about him very much, why are you freaking out? I think perhaps you like him more than you care to admit to yourself. I don't have that mental connection with him. Just physical. I do care about him as a friend, because he's not just some stranger. I freak out because I did not see that coming, him saying "love you". Unless he's someone who throws around those words like it's nothing, saying "love you" to me is a big deal and i have to mean it. I don't want to stop what we're having: strictly just fwb situation. If he is indeed falling in love with me (which seems impossible because we only knew each other for less than 2 months), I think I would have to break it off with him, which I hate to do because like I said, I'm happy with how things are right now with him.
J21 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Have a sit down and lay out the terms exactly what you are thinking. Let him know its a FWB relationship and u dont see it becoming romantic (assuming u feel that way). Then if he wants to continue with the FWB path u can or if he wants to split ways he should have the option to. At least he knows what the deal is and giving him the option to decide. 2
Siquijor Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 So basically you only want him when it suits you? Does he know this? If he doesn't then maybe you should explain to him instead of building up his hopes. Quite simple procedure actually. He'll then know where he stands and you won't be freaked out anymore. 1
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 So basically you only want him when it suits you? Does he know this? If he doesn't then maybe you should explain to him instead of building up his hopes. Quite simple procedure actually. He'll then know where he stands and you won't be freaked out anymore. Yea, seems very selfish I know but I do only call him when I have nothing else to do and just want company of a cute guy. The thing that bugs me is that he purposely left his charger at my place so he could come back, and I'm not a confrontational person at all so when he does come back I know I wouldn't be able to just tell him to take his charger and go home. He does live an hour and 15 mins from me. But I also want him to know he can't just force me to be in a position where I have to let him stay over. Plus the whole "I love you" thing is so weird. I will talk to him tonight and figure out where he stands. So far all of his behaviors have pointed towards him wanting something more serious than what I can give him.
PaperCrane Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I'll say this and be to the point. Right now you are stringing him along. You're not confrontational but you're selfish in your desires. One is not good with the other. He is in this with hazy weather conditions. To put this right, morally, you need to tell him because right now it has changed permanently. Men fall in love quickly, we have a much shorter mental checklist that happens. If you're fun, good in bed, are nice enough, and can pal around like a friend? Yup I'd fall in love with that too. Asking "Where he stands" will not help, he'll feel rejected at that very moment. He said where he stands and very forwardly too. He may try and backtrack to salvage what he can and save face. Unless you want to try dating this guy, I'd say it's over and let him go. 6
Siquijor Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Yea, seems very selfish I know but I do only call him when I have nothing else to do and just want company of a cute guy. This kind of arrangement only works when both parties want the same thing. Obviously this isn't the case so you're best telling him straight sooner rather than later. 2
empresario Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Just as a woman wants to know if they are merely a booty call, so does a guy. It doesn't matter if you're 'saying it with your actions'. Say it with your words. Others have said this, just reiterating. He may be one of the 10% that actually would NOT be ok with merely a FWB relationship , but regardless if that's the case it's best to not continue with it. I'm sure there are other cute guys that would be more than happy with that kind of relationship. 2
Odinani Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Wouldn't life be easier for people if they have friends who are actually....friends (ie platonic) and save sex for people they care about on a romantic level? 5
Author jam.over.jelly Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Wouldn't life be easier for people if they have friends who are actually....friends (ie platonic) and save sex for people they care about on a romantic level? I wish it was that easy! When I meet a guy that I see potential, that I genuinely like and providing that we go on a couple dates and it's becoming more regular, I usually don't sleep with anyone else, or stop sleeping with the guy I'm sleeping with, even when it's not even exclusive, because I just don't feel good talking to/being interested in one guy and sleeping with another at the same time. However, I haven't met one guy that I see that potential with, and at the same time, my dildo isn't doing it for me anymore, I miss a man's touch, so I resort to having a booty call . 1
Odinani Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I wish it was that easy! When I meet a guy that I see potential, that I genuinely like and providing that we go on a couple dates and it's becoming more regular, I usually don't sleep with anyone else, or stop sleeping with the guy I'm sleeping with, even when it's not even exclusive, because I just don't feel good talking to/being interested in one guy and sleeping with another at the same time. However, I haven't met one guy that I see that potential with, and at the same time, my dildo isn't doing it for me anymore, I miss a man's touch, so I resort to having a booty call . that makes sense. Hope you meet a guy who you really fall for soon 1
joseb Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 JOJ, you say you have said what you want with actions, but I disagree. I've been seeing a girl as a FB for about the same length of time as you have been seeing this guy, and not once in that time did we meet up and not have sex. And if either of us stay over, there is very little sleeping involved. We might cuddle a little for 'recovery'. We have never just 'hung out' and neither of us have met any of our friends either. When she or I leave, there is no 'text me later' talk (though we do text funny/flirty stuff now and then, never 'hows your day' bf/gf kinda chat) So yeah, I think you have been far from clear if what you want is a FWB/FB setup with him. All you can do at this stage is meet up, and tell him honestly what you want. You can't really expect it to be all one way though (i.e. you decide always when you want it - he should have some say too!) If he is not 100% clear that he is fine with that (and I suspect from what you write he wont be) then you two need to call it a day.
joseb Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 However, I haven't met one guy that I see that potential with, and at the same time, my dildo isn't doing it for me anymore, I miss a man's touch, so I resort to having a booty call . Nothing wrong with that! Hit me up if you come to Melbourne 1
kilgore Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 So I've been involved with this guy for about a month or two now. Nothing serious, he's sort of my booty call. I call him when I want company and cuddle. We had sex twice, and hung out a couple times when I was out with my friends. We never talked about expectations regarding our "relationship". I assumed he knew what it was: just a booty call. Lately he's been getting on my nerve with all the texting. I don't respond to his texts, but he still texts me. Nothing crazy, one text a day, usually asking me how my day is going. I rarely respond. I finally told him that I'm not a phone person, and I will hit him up when I have time. He left me alone for a couple days, and back to texting everyday again. Last night I was out with friends and bumped into him at a bar. I didn't drive so he drove me home, I told him he should stay over which he did. We didn't have sex, just cuddling. He kissed me when he left this morning, I told him to drive safe, and told him to "Text me later or something", which I soon realized I should not have said that. Ugh! And he said "I will. Go back to sleep. Love you". I was shocked, but didn't want to make it awkward, I went back to sleep. When I woke up, he left his charger there so I texted him to tell him that. He said he did it on purpose so he could have an excuse to come back and see me tonight. OMG I'm freakin out. What should I do?! This is so awkward for me! I think my actions speak louder than anything! That I don't want anything serious with him. But he doesn't seem to get it. I want to ask him about what he told me this morning. But then again, what if he just said that by mistake? Then bringing it up would be so weird. Plus I like having sex with him and I do enjoy his company, just don't see myself in a romantic way with him. Any advice? If he feels that way you must end it. I led people on a couple of times ages ago and felt awful in retrospect 1
Popsicle Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 There's a term for this - FWB. Tell him that you just want to be FWB with him.
kilgore Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 There's a term for this - FWB. Tell him that you just want to be FWB with him. But he can't change how he feels
Popsicle Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 But he can't change how he feels I know, but at least he'll know what she wants and not be unaware.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Most men assume that a woman who's having sex with him is open to an emotional connection and a relationship. If you're not, you need to state that clearly. But I agree with kilgore that since he's stated feelings of love, you need to just let him go or it's going to get messy. There are plenty of cute men out there who will give you the casual arrangement you're looking for. Don't toy with a guy who wants something deeper. 3
introverted1 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I don't understand the thread title, inasmuch as it suggests that the guy is being obtuse when, in fact, you haven't said anything and your actions could easily be interpreted as those of someone who wants a relationship. You need to be clear and cut him loose. If you decide to pursue a different FB in future, consider being honest right from the start and using words rather than assumptions to convey your position.
Popsicle Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Most men assume that a woman who's having sex with him is open to an emotional connection and a relationship. If you're not, you need to state that clearly. But I agree with kilgore that since he's stated feelings of love, you need to just let him go or it's going to get messy. There are plenty of cute men out there who will give you the casual arrangement you're looking for. Don't toy with a guy who wants something deeper. Yes, this is true. But at least tell him first.
itsallamystery Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Perused the replies so forgive me if any of this is repetitive. Bottom line is you have no idea what you want from this. Booty calls are okay. Relationships are okay. Booty calls that turn into relationships are okay. Typically relationships that turn into bootycalls never end well. But which one is it? I see a lot of emotion peaking through which is either you actually like the guy or need validation of some sort. In my relationships I've been told many times that I was the nicest, kindest person that they've ever met. Bootycalls would only get common courtesy's beyond the sex. I wasn't trying to be mean, I purposely did that to avoid attachment because I didn't want to be attached. Cuddling? Thats the easiest way to tell somebody you want to be more than a bootycall... Sometimes the more innocent things can be the most sensual...and sometimes the hottest sex can be nothing but mechanical. Hanging out, even with friends, will tell an insecure dude that you're feeling him when you aren't. I wouldn't ignore texts throughout the day, but I would keep them closed ended and certainly wouldnt do anything else. If you like him, date him. If you don't just bang him. But do be clear about your intentions...because deceit And if you cant decide then you need to work on self. 2
lino Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 And hence why dating today is the mess that it is. 1
Recommended Posts