drummer09 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm hoping some of you could shed some light and give me your honest opinion on this struggle I have been going through. I'll try to make this short as possible. Venting commence... So I met this girl last year in September. We literally talked everyday until we ended up breaking up this past August. At first, we were great friends and spent a lot of time together and went on unofficial dates. After a few months, she would end up staying over at my place and we would hook up but didn't have sex yet. In my mind, I wanted to date this girl and I was starting to fall for her. We started to have sex and be intimate with each other and it was common for us to sleep over a couple times a week. At this point, It was early December and we have been acting like we have been dating for some time. So one night, we sat down and I told her how I really felt about her and my intentions. She is from MT and ended up going home for Christmas for a week or so. During that time, we talked a lot and she decided that she felt the same for me and we began officially dating. So we dated from late December until this past August. To me, it was a great and loving relationship although, it kind of moved fast. We ended up saying we loved each other pretty early on and she admitted that she "always loved me but was afraid to commit to it". We practically started to live at each others apartments. During our college spring break, we took a road trip to visit her family in MT and they ended up loving me. She told me I was her family and expressed her deep feelings for me. (but she also had some family issues and always felt like the "rebel" of her family). We had our rough times and as time went on we fought about little things and such. She became really irritated with me and my behavior but reassured me that I was her person and loved me. We ended up flying out to MT in the summer for her brother's graduation. Over the summer, I started to work on the weekends and would stay over at her place a lot. This is when I noticed her becoming distant and not very intimate with me anymore. I knew something was up and tried my best to reassure her that I was there to make her happy and would do anything for our relationship to be healthy. After some time, I knew there was something serious going on and I decided to snoop and read a journal of hers. This is when i realized that she had cheated on me and kissed another dude. I confronted her about it and I should've broken up with her right then and there. But i didn't, I stayed with her for another 3-4 weeks and we went on dates and we both put in an effort to work on our issues. She ended up wanting a break and expressed to me that we should date other people. I said that I do don't do breaks so we officially broke up. Me being the poor idiot still in love, we still talked pretty often. One day, she told me she met someone else and I should know because I need to move on. So i begged and pleaded ( believe me, I now cringe that the fact that I did this) and she ended up blocking my number and social media outlets. About 3 weeks in to the NC, she reached out to me and we talked on the phone for an hour. She alluded to that fact that she wasn't seeing anyone anymore and she told me she missed me dearly etc. (breadcrumb bull****) She said she hoped to meet up with me for lunch when I felt I was ready. I told her that I needed to focus on my own stuff and I'll let her know. A week later, I decided to call her and tell her that I would be willing to meet up.( big mistake on my part) She was busy that week and said lets do sometime the following week. This is when I fell into the old habit of trying to talk to her a lot like in the past. I found myself attempting to contact her too often and had to stop myself many times. I did a lot of reflecting and realized that the only reason I would actually meet up with her was for some kind of reconciliation, and to try to work on a broken relationship that I always wanted to fix. So i told her the truth. I asked what the purpose of us meeting up was. Do you want to be purely platonic friends? She said that yes, she wanted to be friends and didn't indicate anything else. She missed her best friend etc. I called her out and said, well its kind of bull**** that you contact me when your new relationship didn't work out and that I'm not interested in a purely platonic relationship. She responded say that It was so rude for me to assume that she contacted me for an unrelated relationship and that It wasn't about me. So after that conversation, we haven't talked at all. It's been about a week and I feel worse than before we got into contact. I have this overwhelming feeling to contact her but for what reason? Does she just want to string me along or for the ego boost? Is there any emtional attachment that she has or is it just for selfish reasons? I believe I did the right thing and didn't end up seeing her because it could've potentially ended up prolonging my healing. Its a tough situation because I convinced myself that she actually does care about me as she expressed when she reached out. I know I probably shouldn't even consider getting back with someone who dumped me in the first place but man, It's tough to deal with when that person used to tell you how intense their love/feelings for you. I can't be friends with her (at least yet) Maybe down the road that can happen but I know it isn't a good idea now. I've gone a few dates with other girls but damn, I always end up comparing them to her and I still think about her alot, its pretty ****ed up. Does being friends with her just reassure her that I'll be on the back burner in case her dating life goes to ****? I know this about me and my healing and I have to do whatever I NEED to get to better place in my life. But those dark thoughts are still floating around in my head. I've learned a lot so far though and I'm continuing to learn a lot about myself and relationships in general. Anyone have any words of advice? Honestly any kind of criticism will help at this point. I hope people that have gone through this thing in the past can relate to where I am at currently. I know I should just forget about her because she dumped me and made a choice for me to not be in her life anymore. Thanks for listening
PaperCrane Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Your brain has a chemical addiction to her. She's bad for you. Know how you kick bad habits? You don't interact with that thing ever again. You called her bluff and honestly it was probably true. Contacting ex's after a breakup is so obvious as to why; ego boosts, self fulfillment, etc. Don't go back to a cheater.
mightycpa Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Does being friends with her just reassure her that I'll be on the back burner in case her dating life goes to ****?It's actually worse than that. It reassures her that she'll have her "best friend" to talk to when her dating life goes to ****. You'll be a shoulder to cry on, and because you've been where the new guy is, you will also be a subject matter expert who will be expected to give her dating advice. So, unless you're dying to play that role, you need to dump her as a friend now, maybe something like I think we need to be friends with other people.
Author drummer09 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Your brain has a chemical addiction to her. She's bad for you. Know how you kick bad habits? You don't interact with that thing ever again. You called her bluff and honestly it was probably true. Contacting ex's after a breakup is so obvious as to why; ego boosts, self fulfillment, etc. Don't go back to a cheater. You're right. She is bad for me. It's messed up because I allowed this to happen to myself. It is truly like an addiction and I keep getting these roller coaster emotions from it. I'll get through it and I know I'll be stronger than ever before when that day comes.
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