itisdanielle Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone, My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me three weeks ago. After he did it, I was so shocked that I didn't say much, but I called him a week later (so two weeks ago) and we spoke about it then, and we haven't spoken since. His reasons: he's feeling really down about his life at the moment and things seem to be going wrong for him (uni/friends etc), he needs to focus on himself and if he's in a relationship he won't do that, if he stays with me he will make things bad between us because of the way he is at the moment. He also said that he doesn't think anyone else is more perfect for him than me, and it's not that he wants to break up it's that he has to. He also said that he would never say never about us being together in the future and he believes in situations being 'the right person but the wrong timing'. But he also seemed so certain that breaking up is the right idea?! I've heard from mutual friends that he was really upset about the breakup and is burying himself in uni work to keep his mind off things. This was a few weeks ago so I don't know what's going on now, I felt it's best not to know. I'm so confused because I obviously want what is best for him and if he's struggling and down at the moment I would have wanted to be there and help him through, but instead he has shut me out. I'm getting on with my life by seeing friends, going to the gym and being with friends. I also haven't contacted him. I'm so hopeful that he's going to contact me and change his mind and I know this is not the way to be. I feel so stuck like I know I need to move on but I don't want to because I want the relationship back so badly. I tried to keep this short but if you need any more details let me know. Any thoughts would be so so appreciated. Thanks for reading! Edited October 22, 2015 by itisdanielle Spelling
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 He's depressed. Depressed people tend to isolate themselves. It's a vicious cycle. He doesn't like himself so he pushes you away. When you go, that reinforces in his mind that he's no good because you left. However you are not equipped to fix this. He needs professional help. Encourage him to get medical care for his depression but don't try to treat him. If you know his parents share your concerns with them.
BonerFide Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Okay, I'm going to try and help you out here. He does not want to be with you. Not because he's upset or needs to be single, he just does not want to be with you. That excuse that he didn't want to break up with you but he had to sounds like a complete cop-out to me, as is the "I will never say never". The thing is, he really did want to break up with you, but what he said to you means he almost didn't want to accept that you'd move on. Instead, he's keeping you somewhat tethered by telling you he HAD to do it, and giving you so much hope for reconciliation when it's probably not going to happen. Sorry, but that's what it seems like to me. Also, do you really think you two are perfect for each other? It sounds like when things are going tough for him, he's ultimately chosen uni and friends over you. Don't you want to be someone's priority, or at least one of them? I got the same line from my recent ex of a year, that he just wanted to be single and I could tell he was more interested in his friends than me. I mean, why would you want to be on the side of someone's life? A relationship is meant to be enjoying life with someone, not losing focus/feelings at every corner. As much as you tell yourself he's upset and needs you to make him feel better, the truth is he really doesn't. Either he's handling it, or he'll look to his friends to help. He broke up with you, that says it all. Honestly I get how you feel and I'm not saying any of this to be harsh, I'm saying it because you are not moving on and you really need to. There will be someone out there for you once you're ready, but for now just focus on being happy. It's not healthy to have your happiness depend on someone else anyway. It's only been three weeks so you're going to be feeling this way for a while but you need to focus on moving on and accepting that it's over, not how to get him back.
Author itisdanielle Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Thank you both for your responses. And it's okay I know you're not being harsh, I guess it is what I need to hear. I have already told myself he doesn't want to be with me, because if he did want to then we would still be together. I have also considered that he was just saying all of this as an excuse, but I do believe what he is saying. The friend situation is that he had a close group of friends and he doesn't speak to any of them now, this has all happened over the last few months. Also with uni he failed a lot of modules last year and only got let through because his tutor let him off and he still got to progress but he felt really down on himself for failing. He still has a few friends at university but not that he's that close to. I know that he spoke to one of them about how down he's feeling and that when he's like this he needs to deal with it by himself and he's not the sort of person to rely on someone else or get their help.
Toodaloo Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Sounds to me like he is doing the right thing. He has been failing and needs to get his head down. So he is. Leave him for a few weeks then see how he is and how his studies are going. He needs to be on his own right now. I think you should move on and do what you have been doing. Chin up chook. It all seems so much worse when you are young but as you grow older it kinda fades away.
Author itisdanielle Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it. I have an update which has made things even worse. So I found out that two weeks before he broke up with me, he kissed one of our mutual friends while I was away on a trip. He didn't admit it to me, I found out from a different mutual friend who assumed he would have told me when he ended things. I spoke to him about it (probably a bad idea? I was doing so well on NC but I honestly couldn't stop myself confronting him). He said that it was a mistake and he has no feelings for her and that she's just a close friend. He said the usual expected things like he doesn't know why he did it and he regrets it and hates himself for messing things up. He also said all of the other reasons he gave me for the break up are still true (I don't know whether to believe this). I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said because he knew if he did that I would end things...which makes no sense because he ended up ending things anyway! We have a lot of mutual friends that we met at the same time (the girl he kissed is one of them) and I feel like they're all taking his side. They have events planned for the future and haven't invited me, yet the other two are invited. So now not only did I get dumped, I found out he cheated, he didn't have the balls to tell me about it, and now I feel like I'm losing these friends?! It all seems a bit immature, we are at uni but are 24 and I know that's still young but not the same as most aged 18 students. I know that next weekend they are going to be at the same party and I honestly can't stop fretting over them getting together. When he broke up with me I wished that he had done something awful because I thought it would make things easier but knowing this has not made it easier. How do I stop myself caring whether they get together? Part of me even still wants him to want me back which makes me feel SO pathetic. Even if he did ask for another chance, I know I couldn't trust him or respect him. The fact he wasn't honest with me about it is the main thing that bothers me. Any advice? I feel like I'm back at day one of the break up. Oh, also, I know there are a few popular posts with advice for break ups etc (I read CaliGuy's no contact, one about GIGS which I don't think applies to me but I don't know?) so if there's any recommended ones please let me know!
opalant Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 If I was you I wouldn't go to the party, ask some of your friends to go out and do something else instead so that there's no way you'll bump into her or him. I know you'll probably want to go to the party but I don't think any good will come of it, especially because alcohol will probably be consumed.
PegNosePete Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 he kissed one of our mutual friends Ah, I was thinking there is probably 3rd party involvement when I read the OP. We have a lot of mutual friends that we met at the same time (the girl he kissed is one of them) and I feel like they're all taking his side. It seems that all your "mutual" friends knew about this and were covering for him. Hardly "mutual". They are no friends of yours. Especially the other girl. Why would you want to call her a friend? She is definitely not a friend if she would do that to you. Any advice? I feel like I'm back at day one of the break up. No contact with your ex, the other girl, or any friends who take his side. Any mutual friends who talk about him or her, tell them you don't want to hear it.
opalant Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Also it's only been 3 weeks since your break up right? That's not a lot of time at all so don't be harsh on yourself. It's okay that it feels like day 1 of the break up all over again because you've just found out some awful news. You need to block him on everything, don't put yourself in a position where you'll see him or the girl that he kissed, and don't look at anything on social media either. When people bring it up also ask them to stop. It's best that you just don't know, it'll help you move on a lot faster. He cheated on you, and then you had to find out through a mutual friend. Keep thinking about that when you feel yourself wanting him back. Work on moving on, if he's feeling down he needs to sort it out himself, the main point is he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but you shouldn't want to be with a coward like him. Go NC again and stick to it.
Author itisdanielle Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I deleted both of them off Facebook, unfollowed the rest of them so I don't see any photos, unfollowed on Instagram etc. So I feel that's the best start. I definitely don't count her as a friend now. I have so much rage I just want to phone him and let my anger out at him. But I won't. I also want to comment to them 'so he gets to cheat on me with (name), and I'm the one who gets left out?' But again, I won't. Some of my friends (not mutual) have reacted like oh well at least it was only a kiss. I know its not as bad as sex or an on going relationship behind my back but it still hurts and it's something that is still a big deal to me. The fact he wasn't honest with me and tried to play the good guy when he ended things are what make me furious. Yeah I definitely won't to to the party, I wasn't invited anyway but even if I was I know it would all end in tears (definitely mine) and I'm really really not a violent person but punching one of them would feel so good..(I never actually would) I just honestly don't understand why he did this which is what I'm finding so hard. Edited October 23, 2015 by itisdanielle
Author itisdanielle Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Ah, I was thinking there is probably 3rd party involvement when I read it. Out of curiosity, what made you think that? Are the things he said possibly an excuse to be single to get with someone else?
PegNosePete Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Normally when someone breaks off a long-term relationship to "find themself", "reevaluate their life", "decide what they want"... blah blah... wishy washy reasons that aren't real reasons at all. There is usually someone else involved in those cases.
PegNosePete Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I just honestly don't understand why he did this which is what I'm finding so hard. Because he is a douchebag. Sorry that's as good an answer as you'll ever get to that question! He did it because he wanted to, and didn't care about your feelings. 1
Author itisdanielle Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 (edited) The part that baffles me is that I had absolutely no idea. I trusted him 100% and until I found out I hadn't even considered the fact he may have cheated! He was so normal with me, he seemed happy and then this happened. The weeks before he would talk about how much he loved me etc.. how does someone do that?! I know there aren't really any answers, it just really was such out of character behaviour for him. I keep telling myself all of the reasons why I'm better off without him, hopefully someday soon it will stick. Edited October 24, 2015 by itisdanielle
Recommended Posts