JoJo82 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Hi im Jo. 3 months ago I answered an online advert from an ex-army instructor offering outdoor pursuits (camping, shooting instruction etc) Im a veterinary nurse and a bit of a tomboy who jumped at the chance of some escapism away from my usual friends, work and family. I was also coming out of a long term relationship (6 month trial separation) and enjoying living alone again and being independent. My friendship with David grew rapidly and it wasn't long before we were exchanging hours of banter via Whatsapp. It was like we'd always known eachother and clicked in a massive way. One day we exchanged a picture of eachother and both were instantly attracted, it all seemed too good to be true. I delayed actually meeting for 3 months due to work commitments, my Mum being ill and a bit of guilt that it was happening so soon into my trial separation with my ex partner. During these 3 months we fell for eachother hard. To the point of it feeling like we were in a relationship already. He called and text all the time and generally made it clear what he wanted with me. Im not easily influenced and I genuinely questioned is character and motive but found noting in my gut that said he was a player or anything. I tested and pushed him many times and he stayed as keen as ever. Some background info on him; He's 41, out of the army for 3 years, not worked for 10 months due to PTSD anxiety from bad military injuries and experiences, lives with his sister and her family, never married, has 2 children from one long previous relationship, he see's his children every other weekend (he's a good loving Dad) but finds it hard to cope with everyday life and doesn't do much apart from go fishing which helps with his PTSD. He finds it hard to go in crowded places or long distance journeys and is a bit lonely now I think. He also lost massive amounts of personal confidence after losing his military fitness regime and gaining lots of weight (still handsome, but porky) Fast forward 3 months and we finally meet to go camping. Meeting him was amazing and felt so right the first time we hugged and kissed. That night was a combination of fun, awkwardness and getting to know eachother. For some reason the awkwardness almost overtook everything, maybe it was his anxiety but he was a little harsh and rude, a bit jittery and not as close to me as I was expecting from all the intimate loving comms we'd had. Im told im very attractive and he only saw a few headshot pics of me before we met, Im probably 28llbs over weight but he said he finds me really sexy etc. Because of the lack of closeness I was expecting from all our months of comms, the next morning I left with a heavy heart that told me something wasn't right. I honestly believed that would be the end of us. He called later that night and said how much he liked me and couldn't wait for me to go to his sisters house the following weekend as she'd be out of town. He never got the house to himself. The week that followed his comms slowed down from his usual over enthusiastic tone, yes he'd still text and call but not as much. I kept questioning this with him over and over and calmly and politely said if anything changed since meeting we should address it. If he had second thoughts then it was fine. He reassured me he felt the same. The week escalated into negativity as I kept sensing he was losing the spark, he kept reassuring me he wasn't and I wasn't satisfied. Instead of chilling out and seeing what happened I kept on at him. I genuinely thought he was 'dragging it out'' so that I would spend the next weekend with him and have more sex. On the Thursday he attended a friends funeral and I didn't get the usual ''good morning'' text. He called later in the afternoon to ask if we were ok and I said its best to leave things as they are as I definitely sensed a sift in him. Arguments ensued and he begged me not to end tings. Later that night, in a stupid desperate psycho moment to find ANY reason why he was losing spark for me, I looked at his Facebook page (we never added eachother on Facebook) his Facebook in fairness in made up of 90% men and a few women who are family or friends. No hallmarks of a player or anything. I noticed he'd added a woman the day of the funeral and 'liked' her picture. When I asked him about it *cringe* he said she was a family friend he'd saw at the funeral (this turned out to be true and they haver lots of mutual friends of the deceased) I tried spooking him saying tat we had a 'mutual friend' on Facebook. He was super pissed off that id looked at his Facebook and said he'd felt stalked (I kinda don't blame him in fairness) We then didn't speak for 2 days. I called him on the Saturday and he explained he'd been quiet as he'd ad emergency dental treatment. We kind of patched things up on the phone and he then text me saying he was sorry for not being in touch, had a lot of pain, and just wanted to see me, love me and be with me forever. I stayed the night at his sisters. Yup, more sex. During the night I asked him about his text and the whole wanting to be with me forever statement, he would only say he loved me and that was that. I grilled him most of the night trying to get it out of him. I thought it was a ridiculous thing to say to someone so soon and I just wanted to call him on it and see if he was genuine when he said it to my face, but he couldn't. I figure he was either being shy or just plain didn't mean it in the first place. The next morning I sat on the bed, cheeky smile and said ''dude, I think you and I were just meant to be friends'' but he replied he loved me too much to just be friends and that everything would be ok. I told him that my gut was telling me he wasn't feeling the spark since meeting in reality and I just didn't want to be dragged out, id delete his contact details and just go away making it easy for him, and he said in a cocky way ''no you wont, you couldn't walk away now'' and ''id find you anyway if you did that'' meaning he'd never let me just walk out of is life. I got the feeling he couldn't wait for me to leave that morning, could've been to tidy the house before his sisters return? couldve been my interrogations lol I don't know. My house is an hours drive away and again, no text or call from him to see if I was ok, to say he'd had a good time nothing so I jump on his case again. We argue, he says ''I don't know what to say, i'll call you later.....'' that call never came. That was 2 weeks 3 days ago. While we were in comms he'd only really use Whatsapp to speak with me and a mate in Germany. If we called or text he wouldn't use Whatsapp for days at a time. Ive noticed since we ended contact that he regularly checks in, but doesn't stay online long enough to chat to anyone, once it was 4.30am. I get the feeling he's wondering what im doing. From the actual time we spent together I could sense something wasn't right, all I wanted to do was discuss it, take a massive step back and after some time has passed maybe we could go back to having the amazing friendship we had in the beginning. I miss him so much, yes I still have feelings for him, but im crushed that he could so easily walk away with no explanation after everything he'd pushed. I never signed up for this, we were supposed to be mates. Im proud I haven't once contacted him but I feel the need to send an email saying how gutted I am that everythings worked out like this. My friends and family are split on two views, that he totally played me a blinder from day 1, or that reality didn't meet his fantasy for whatever reason and he was too guilty to admit it so just ghosted me. I haven't eaten or slept since I last spoke with him, I cant concentrate on work which is dangerous as im a veterinary nurse. Im feeling quite depressed and desperate for some sort of clarity on the whole situation. Really struggling with this, any advice on the situation greatly appreciated.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) Hi im Jo. 3 months ago I answered an online advert from an ex-army instructor offering outdoor pursuits (camping, shooting instruction etc) Im a veterinary nurse and a bit of a tomboy who jumped at the chance of some escapism away from my usual friends, work and family. I was also coming out of a long term relationship (6 month trial separation) and enjoying living alone again and being independent. My friendship with David grew rapidly and it wasn't long before we were exchanging hours of banter via Whatsapp. It was like we'd always known eachother and clicked in a massive way. One day we exchanged a picture of eachother and both were instantly attracted, it all seemed too good to be true. I delayed actually meeting for 3 months due to work commitments, my Mum being ill and a bit of guilt that it was happening so soon into my trial separation with my ex partner. During these 3 months we fell for eachother hard. To the point of it feeling like we were in a relationship already. He called and text all the time and generally made it clear what he wanted with me. Im not easily influenced and I genuinely questioned is character and motive but found noting in my gut that said he was a player or anything. I tested and pushed him many times and he stayed as keen as ever. Some background info on him; He's 41, out of the army for 3 years, not worked for 10 months due to PTSD anxiety from bad military injuries and experiences, lives with his sister and her family, never married, has 2 children from one long previous relationship, he see's his children every other weekend (he's a good loving Dad) but finds it hard to cope with everyday life and doesn't do much apart from go fishing which helps with his PTSD. He finds it hard to go in crowded places or long distance journeys and is a bit lonely now I think. He also lost massive amounts of personal confidence after losing his military fitness regime and gaining lots of weight (still handsome, but porky) Fast forward 3 months and we finally meet to go camping. Meeting him was amazing and felt so right the first time we hugged and kissed. That night was a combination of fun, awkwardness and getting to know eachother. For some reason the awkwardness almost overtook everything, maybe it was his anxiety but he was a little harsh and rude, a bit jittery and not as close to me as I was expecting from all the intimate loving comms we'd had. Im told im very attractive and he only saw a few headshot pics of me before we met, Im probably 28llbs over weight but he said he finds me really sexy etc. Because of the lack of closeness I was expecting from all our months of comms, the next morning I left with a heavy heart that told me something wasn't right. I honestly believed that would be the end of us. He called later that night and said how much he liked me and couldn't wait for me to go to his sisters house the following weekend as she'd be out of town. He never got the house to himself. The week that followed his comms slowed down from his usual over enthusiastic tone, yes he'd still text and call but not as much. I kept questioning this with him over and over and calmly and politely said if anything changed since meeting we should address it. If he had second thoughts then it was fine. He reassured me he felt the same. The week escalated into negativity as I kept sensing he was losing the spark, he kept reassuring me he wasn't and I wasn't satisfied. Instead of chilling out and seeing what happened I kept on at him. I genuinely thought he was 'dragging it out'' so that I would spend the next weekend with him and have more sex. On the Thursday he attended a friends funeral and I didn't get the usual ''good morning'' text. He called later in the afternoon to ask if we were ok and I said its best to leave things as they are as I definitely sensed a sift in him. Arguments ensued and he begged me not to end tings. Later that night, in a stupid desperate psycho moment to find ANY reason why he was losing spark for me, I looked at his Facebook page (we never added eachother on Facebook) his Facebook in fairness in made up of 90% men and a few women who are family or friends. No hallmarks of a player or anything. I noticed he'd added a woman the day of the funeral and 'liked' her picture. When I asked him about it *cringe* he said she was a family friend he'd saw at the funeral (this turned out to be true and they haver lots of mutual friends of the deceased) I tried spooking him saying tat we had a 'mutual friend' on Facebook. He was super pissed off that id looked at his Facebook and said he'd felt stalked (I kinda don't blame him in fairness) We then didn't speak for 2 days. I called him on the Saturday and he explained he'd been quiet as he'd ad emergency dental treatment. We kind of patched things up on the phone and he then text me saying he was sorry for not being in touch, had a lot of pain, and just wanted to see me, love me and be with me forever. I stayed the night at his sisters. Yup, more sex. During the night I asked him about his text and the whole wanting to be with me forever statement, he would only say he loved me and that was that. I grilled him most of the night trying to get it out of him. I thought it was a ridiculous thing to say to someone so soon and I just wanted to call him on it and see if he was genuine when he said it to my face, but he couldn't. I figure he was either being shy or just plain didn't mean it in the first place. The next morning I sat on the bed, cheeky smile and said ''dude, I think you and I were just meant to be friends'' but he replied he loved me too much to just be friends and that everything would be ok. I told him that my gut was telling me he wasn't feeling the spark since meeting in reality and I just didn't want to be dragged out, id delete his contact details and just go away making it easy for him, and he said in a cocky way ''no you wont, you couldn't walk away now'' and ''id find you anyway if you did that'' meaning he'd never let me just walk out of is life. I got the feeling he couldn't wait for me to leave that morning, could've been to tidy the house before his sisters return? couldve been my interrogations lol I don't know. My house is an hours drive away and again, no text or call from him to see if I was ok, to say he'd had a good time nothing so I jump on his case again. We argue, he says ''I don't know what to say, i'll call you later.....'' that call never came. That was 2 weeks 3 days ago. While we were in comms he'd only really use Whatsapp to speak with me and a mate in Germany. If we called or text he wouldn't use Whatsapp for days at a time. Ive noticed since we ended contact that he regularly checks in, but doesn't stay online long enough to chat to anyone, once it was 4.30am. I get the feeling he's wondering what im doing. From the actual time we spent together I could sense something wasn't right, all I wanted to do was discuss it, take a massive step back and after some time has passed maybe we could go back to having the amazing friendship we had in the beginning. I miss him so much, yes I still have feelings for him, but im crushed that he could so easily walk away with no explanation after everything he'd pushed. I never signed up for this, we were supposed to be mates. Im proud I haven't once contacted him but I feel the need to send an email saying how gutted I am that everythings worked out like this. My friends and family are split on two views, that he totally played me a blinder from day 1, or that reality didn't meet his fantasy for whatever reason and he was too guilty to admit it so just ghosted me. I haven't eaten or slept since I last spoke with him, I cant concentrate on work which is dangerous as im a veterinary nurse. Im feeling quite depressed and desperate for some sort of clarity on the whole situation. Really struggling with this, any advice on the situation greatly appreciated. I'm a woman too, and I'm going to be very blunt: The problem is you. Holy crow, re-read the bolded parts. Girl, no! It sounds like you were convinced from the get-go that he didn't like you and you sought constant reassurance and validation to confirm that. That is exhausting. You pushed and pressured and he finally got sick of it and did what you thought he was going to do all along. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not saying he's perfect or that it would have been the relationship for you. If you sensed he was pulling away, the wise thing to do would've been to take a step back yourself instead of interrogating him when the contact slowed a bit. If you sense something wasn't quite right from the first meeting, you could have walked away. But you sure as heck did a lot to test this guy and push him away. You told him you could only be friends - do you not understand how that might have made him feel? How do you think he felt when you constantly badgered him about his feelings for you? He obviously sensed you didn't take his word for it or trust that he might really have been into you. I think he finally decided he was done trying to convince you that he liked you. You now have proof he's not interested anymore, but I think this could've turned out very different if you had handled yourself more effectively. You might completely disagree, but from my point of view, you've painted yourself as very insecure and needy. I feel it would've been kind to let you know he wasn't interested in anything more, but I also don't feel he played you. He got tired of being your emotional babysitter. Edited October 22, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
todreaminblue Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 i think the testing him and trying to spook him actually spooked him for good.....maybe you just didnt have enough trust to date him yet.......you should have allowed him more of that trust than spooking and testing..... you didnt trust him from day dot.....so ...he probably began not to trust what you were saying either...i am a naturally cautious person.......and it isnt easy for me to trust...but i do it before i say yes to any form of relationship in spite of how i feel ...i try to trust...i just do the trying thing with trust and hope and pray for the best,.,,,,... im sorry it didnt work out for you.........but i can honestly say for sure...no guy likes the feeling of being tested over and over again.......just like we dont like to be tested or tried out....or feel spooked.......you pretty much bombed him with texts full of tricks and turns with disbelief......maybe you could send him a text when you feel in your heart its right to ...recognising what you did to sever the bond you had at the start...his severing came in response to yours....it always takes two to break a bond......just an apology text maybe with nothing expected from it other than for him to know you are truly sorry.......good luck...and as i said ...im sorry this happened this way for you...best wishes....deb
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Over the 3 months you were communicating before meeting you built up a relationship in your mind. When he wasn't exactly the guy you had imagined you misinterpreted that as rejection then set about looking for evidence to prove your theory. You gave off negative vibes. I don't know why he got so bent about you looking at his FB page but he was probably upset that his friend passed. Going forward if you are going to do OLD, meet them quickly. It will save you a lot of heartache. Also a 1st meet should be short (under 1 hour) and public. I can't believe you went camping with a stranger. Very, very dangerous.
Author JoJo82 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 I'm a woman too, and I'm going to be very blunt: The problem is you. you've painted yourself as very insecure and needy. I feel it would've been kind to let you know he wasn't interested in anything more, but I also don't feel he played you. He got tired of being your emotional babysitter. Thankyou for your advice, its appreciated. I feel I must point out that during our 3 months I played everything very very cool, never text or called him first. It was only after finally meeting and him pulling away that I became confused, angry and needy for re-assurance. I agree that I should've just let him go and have space. A lesson learned!
Author JoJo82 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Over the 3 months you were communicating before meeting you built up a relationship in your mind. When he wasn't exactly the guy you had imagined you misinterpreted that as rejection then set about looking for evidence to prove your theory. You gave off negative vibes. Yep, I was a little freaked out that we weren't gelling in real life, but im not sure this is poor compatibility. For instance, I came away from the camping trip feeling it went bad for us, and yet, when he called later that night to say how much he liked me I was quite taken aback. He explained that the trip was v.difficult for im due to his anxiety. Then he slowed down his comms. Until that point over 3 months id never pursued him, been needy or insecure, just fun and laid back. He did all the work and if anything he was the needy one on times even before we met. "Also a 1st meet should be short (under 1 hour) and public. I can't believe you went camping with a stranger. Very, very dangerous" I know I know, felt I must say I took loads of security precautions, it was 10 mins from home, let various people know my location, and took my big bad ass doggy and air rifle with me lol ;-)
Author JoJo82 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 i think the testing him and trying to spook him actually spooked him for good.....maybe you just didnt have enough trust to date him yet.......you should have allowed him more of that trust than spooking and testing..... you didnt trust him from day dot.....so ...he probably began not to trust what you were saying either...i am a naturally cautious person.......and it isnt easy for me to trust...but i do it before i say yes to any form of relationship in spite of how i feel ...i try to trust...i just do the trying thing with trust and hope and pray for the best,.,,,,... im sorry it didnt work out for you.........but i can honestly say for sure...no guy likes the feeling of being tested over and over again.......just like we dont like to be tested or tried out....or feel spooked.......you pretty much bombed him with texts full of tricks and turns with disbelief......maybe you could send him a text when you feel in your heart its right to ...recognising what you did to sever the bond you had at the start...his severing came in response to yours....it always takes two to break a bond......just an apology text maybe with nothing expected from it other than for him to know you are truly sorry.......good luck...and as i said ...im sorry this happened this way for you...best wishes....deb Thanks Deb for your kind words. I know I pushed him but ONLY AFTER I felt him pulling away after meeting, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't talk about it, now I realise in those instances its best to let them crawl into their cave for a bit. I really really want to contact him but unsure of how to open comms or what to say. Any advice? :-(
OnlyBelieve Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 You know, most of the time there's warning signs to let something in our life go and we ignore them. Then we have to try to overcome the consequence from the choice that we made. My concern is how you were pursuing someone that you did not know and your willingness to stay overnight with a stranger. You can not allow communications via online, text message determine your relationship with someone and how well you know them. It's not genuine. There also seems to be insecurities on your behalf. Have you gotten over the last relationship 100%? Why didn't that relationship work out? What you shared seemed to be unhealthy in the early stages of a physical relationship. It's not a connection with the heart because it was not enough time to really get to know each other. You are missing the physical attraction and I think you should take time out for you. Take time to really get to know someone first in person when it's time, build a friendship without the physical part. Take it slow. Don't ignore the warning signs. If you like to read, here's a few that you may like "Dateable: Are You? Are They?" by Justin Lookadoo, Hayley Morgan "Crushed: Why Guys Don't Have to Make or Break You" by Jessie Minassian "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend "The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating" by Andy Stanley Blessings to you! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Thanks Deb for your kind words. I know I pushed him but ONLY AFTER I felt him pulling away after meeting, I couldn't understand why he wouldn't talk about it, now I realise in those instances its best to let them crawl into their cave for a bit. I really really want to contact him but unsure of how to open comms or what to say. Any advice? :-( If you truly felt he was losing interest and perhaps playing you, why do you wants to get in touch again?
Author JoJo82 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 If you truly felt he was losing interest and perhaps playing you, why do you wants to get in touch again? I feel angry at him, but mostly at myself for allowing feelings to develop before even meeting. I felt that the week after meeting went badly because he DID pull away somewhat, and ive learned I should've let him have that space and decision. The primary reason for wanting to contact him was me feeling angry that he could just let me walk out of his life after the feelings he said he had for me, it doesn't make sense. If we both behave after first meeting like we had, BEFORE any feelings had been exchanged, then id walk away and learn the lesson. But I just feel sooooo let down. Why he could make that last call and discuss his thoughts and feelings, even if it were just to end things. Ive never believed in falling in love online before but I genuinely believed in this. Last night I finally decided to call him, he sounded taken aback to hear from me. I didn't ask any questions (even though I was tempted) I just stated that im so disappointed he felt he couldn't make a final call to me, and could let me go so easily. He basically said he misses me, he seemed extremely interested to know if id met anyone else yet, and he said he felt adamant he hadn't done anything wrong and felt pissed at me looking at his Facebook. He also accepted that his fault was not calling me to sort it out. I think he's very stubborn and didn't work with me to resolve anything. The right thing would be to not call for a few days and then maybe discuss, but in fairness neither of us did that. I told him I missed his friendship and that I still value him, and maybe in time we could meet and go shooting (which was the original intention of how and why we met!) he agreed we shouldn't waste the initial special bond we'd developed, and that the two occasions we spent together were a complete disaster for outside reasons. He also said he now understands why I gave him a hard time for pulling away after he hooked me in so much to begin with. He said in a jokey way he'd find it hard to remain just friends with me because of the attraction and would want to jump all over me. lol He said I should call him soon but I pointed out that I felt me taking the initiative to contact him meant he should take any further steps now. Time will tell....... I feel better and mature the way I handled things. At least now he'll see that im not clingy, or needy, or full of questions or accusations. If he meant little to me id have never contacted him again, but he did and I wanted to behave with honesty and integrity, towards myself and the situation. Did I do the right thing in hindsight?
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