Single2007 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) This dating nonsense is over. I am too old at the age of 40 to be playing around with people who are too insecure to let just a little bit of emotion work its way in. After my last encounter, I have just about had it. This online format of dating has proven to be a constant failure due to so many people being so ridiculously stiff. After four months of banging me, I think it's ok to expect to hear cool stuff about myself for once. Some of us guys could use some nice words too. I get more time invested in hearing about your kids and nude pics than I ever did about some of my qualities. What's the matter with some of you? Put some spice into this stuff. This crap gets boring. Why are you dating me? Information is good. It improves relations. It's a learning experience for everyone. I'm not perfect. I could hear something nice and say to myself "She thinks that? Sweet. I'll do my best to amplify it, give things a spark" But no no no. Sex sex sex sex oh my God you're getting a little attached we need to stop dating. Seriously. WTF. After a first date that goes all of the way (first time that's happened to me) at her place (which SHE suggested) after talking for two weeks, I think it is ok to develop just a miniscule of a feeling for someone while keeping it simple. I didn't see it as a mistake because I thought she was into me seeing how we had many things in common and behold, the messages became shorter. Made two more dates and then the day of the first, freak out time. I get the money and work as an excuse to cancel out of it along with feelings being "raw" even though I said "I don't care about money I would just like to see you. It doesn't matter what we do." But you know what? Whatever. I knew I wouldn't get a decent response to that. She didn't want to see me. And when I see the same person on two different sites a week later, I feel kind of stupid. I feel like I was played and suckered into something. Maybe she got mad because she admitted early on that she used to let guys use her to make herself feel better. So after she pulled out that lame cancel card I told her I hope you didn't have what you admitted early to me backwards. Yeah, she did get mad. I just read the texts. Then I get accused of stuff I never even said. Crazy victim nonsense. But she was from my home state and ended up living in this state about 4 miles away so I guess I got a little excited. I thought she would have been too. Oh well. That's why she has no friends here. If it isn't someone who multi-dates and doesn't want to hear good things about themselves, it's a habitual liar with major self-esteem issues. If it isn't someone who sends nude pictures off the cuff before meeting me, it's someone who is selfish and uses people for dinners. Oh but they all loved me in the sack. It's only when I say let's be exclusive after 5 dates and 3 times in bed do I get a cold shoulder. Then there are people who I have known for a long time that I've banged and they all picked losers over me. Most of my friends are female anyway. I guess it's because I usually have much to say. What I have developed from my ex-wife who I have known for 17 years, is I have no issue being descriptive and telling you what's up. But I'm not the one sending the pics, commenting on your breast size and asking you to "hook up". That's not how I roll. And I'm tired of profiles claiming they want what I have and then end up getting it until they realize they don't know what they want. It's all just a fantasized freak show. Dating online is nothing more than sex without commitment. It's garbage because everyone I come across seems to have some deep-seeded issue with men and they have had problems with exes or abused or cheated on or something. Everyone wants to put rules into it. Everyone wants to "take things slow" when they wake up to a text that says one simple nice thing you like about them. Nobody wants an actual relationship even if they say it. Nobody wants to talk on the phone. Everyone is so self-involved and inward. It's just a revolving door of the same experience and I've been at it too long now.I'm going to go outside. I struck gold once in 98 before online dating even mattered. Might be divorced but I made a best friend out of it who happens to be a good mom. It was simple. It was genuine. You weren't sitting there sweating over a stupid text hoping you said the right thing or misinterpreting one. You had nothing to hide behind. You knew what each other looked like right away and not surprised because the photo didn't match up. For crissakes you waited for sex. Can you believe it? I just can't meet people this way. Edited October 22, 2015 by Single2007
MzLady Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I feel your pain... I am 40 too and have had the same disheartening experience with online dating.. just the other way around.. Almost every guy I've met was pretty much just looking for sex without any attachment. The one guy I finally did like and thought that he was going to be someone I would have something genuine with ghosted me after 2 months of dating.. an awesome 2 months by the way.. but one day we had a slightly unconformable conversation where I was a little frustrated with him, and well... I never heard from him again. Heartbroken isn't a good enough word to describe how hurt I was. Anyhow, I just wanted you to know you're not the only one frustrated and disappointed with the dating world now. It's impersonal, detached, and people treat you like you're not a human being with feelings because you're on the other side of the computer. But keeping positive, I will stay hopeful for the both of us and that either 1. Despite the horrid conditions of online dating, we meet someone worthwhile or 2. Meet someone worthwhile the old-fashioned way. Take care & best of luck to you 3
Guyouthere Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I'm 49, and now going to be new to dating as I was married for 15+ years, and then had a couple other ladies since (the last one we just finished because she found a guy and deceived me). No tolerance for that. I just had a lady friend tell me (who was an old girlfriend some 20+ years ago) that she considers me a great guy and the best friend she has (second to her husband of course). I think that says a lot. I won't make any online profiles, not going that route. I figure I will end up with a nice lady in other ways, and I won't be looking either (God provides as He sees fit). Since I am not a guy who is looking for a one night stand whatsoever, and really against that type of activity, I already know I am "quality" too. And I have value that way, and add in all other things that I can offer a woman, and I am confident the right one is still out there somewhere and waiting too. Just be you. Thats what I am doing. I won't be pursuing anyone, as I don't play games either. 1
Author Single2007 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Its crazy because I'm so not equipped for it and I'm learning the hard way. Its impossible to act like you are genuinely interested while not coming off as being too heavy via texting, online, etc. Its like you have to analyze everything you say. I get that message and send three quick texts, none long, simply saying "because we are short on cash you don't want to see me?" followed by "Wow" followed by "If that's really the reason its kind of lame." That's it. What do I get? Im not giving her a chance to respond and now nerves are raw, etc. Like what? Last night you just said yes to two more dates and now this? And by text? Not worth it.
neowulf Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I understand your venting. Really though, online dating is what you make of it. It has it's strengths and it's weaknesses. Yes, a lot of damaged people are out there and yes, you have to get very good at filtering them out. I think if you've become jaded and bitter about it, then the best thing to do is walk away for a while. The thing I remind myself is this. You only have to succeed once. The more you can put your face out there, the more likely you'll find that "one" success. Online dating shouldn't be the only focus and the only source of dates. If you prefer the more traditional approach, then try that for a while. It's a rough time to meet people. Wish you the best. 2
neowulf Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Its crazy because I'm so not equipped for it and I'm learning the hard way. Its impossible to act like you are genuinely interested while not coming off as being too heavy via texting, online, etc. Its like you have to analyze everything you say. I get that message and send three quick texts, none long, simply saying "because we are short on cash you don't want to see me?" followed by "Wow" followed by "If that's really the reason its kind of lame." That's it. What do I get? Im not giving her a chance to respond and now nerves are raw, etc. Like what? Last night you just said yes to two more dates and now this? And by text? Not worth it. So just refuse to engage that way. There's no rule saying you have to engage the way the people choose too. If you don't want to text constantly, then don't. Talk on the phone. They don't want to talk on the phone? They're not the right person for you. You keep filtering until you find *good* potential matches, instead of burning out on people who aren't a good fit. What kind of dating services are you using? 1
Author Single2007 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 So just refuse to engage that way. There's no rule saying you have to engage the way the people choose too. If you don't want to text constantly, then don't. Talk on the phone. They don't want to talk on the phone? They're not the right person for you. You keep filtering until you find *good* potential matches, instead of burning out on people who aren't a good fit. What kind of dating services are you using? The usual free ones. I know its bad. But I already bagged my accounts.
neowulf Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 The usual free ones. I know its bad. But I already bagged my accounts. Well, as the old saying goes.. you get what you pay for. One free alternative I had a bit of success with was OKCupid. By spending the time with the survey (Answered 400+ questions), people were able to get a much better sense of who I was and what I was about. I in turn filtered out people based on their survey results. People who didn't bother? Ignored them. The people who did answer enough questions, usually gave enough away for me to get a sense of what they were like. Got a much better set of quality matches. 2
Truth34 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Communication definitely is trivial. So stupid. Acting like a caring dude will get you the cold shoulder quicker than winter, it seems. Being casual might backfire just as bad if the woman thinks you arent invested or interested. You gotta love it. 1
hippychick3 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 It's all about filtering out people (lots and lots) who are not good matches. Online dating can be successful with patience, a positive attitude, and good "weeding out" skills. I, personally, really enjoyed it when I was doing it (it's how I met my current boyfriend). I was very picky about who I answered and who I met for coffees/drinks. Once I met the person, I tried to make the best of it and learn something interesting from each new person regardless if they were a good match. There was only one time the guy was kinda creepy, and I pretended my daughter texted me and had to leave the Starbucks rather quickly. I always met in public and never gave my last name to anyone. All in all, it was pretty fun. I know many people, including myself and my brother and his wife of 4 years, who met on an online dating site and have had successful relationships. Just think about real life...how many people do you see in a bar or anywhere on the streets that you just walk past and would never think of dating? Those are the people online. It just takes one. 3
lino Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I knew even before reading the OP a bloke started this thread Every guy eventually learns the hard way that being the good man pays no dividends at all. Such is the world for some reason Online dating literally sounds useless. I'd get off it if I was you. 1
Guyouthere Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) I knew even before reading the OP a bloke started this thread Every guy eventually learns the hard way that being the good man pays no dividends at all. Such is the world for some reason Online dating literally sounds useless. I'd get off it if I was you. It still seems to me we are generally an inferior species when the females often pass up the better quality male for a lower class one, when biologically speaking, it would be in their favor to seek out a more stable and loving guy Edited October 22, 2015 by Guyouthere 1
Author Single2007 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 I feel your pain... I am 40 too and have had the same disheartening experience with online dating.. just the other way around.. Almost every guy I've met was pretty much just looking for sex without any attachment. The one guy I finally did like and thought that he was going to be someone I would have something genuine with ghosted me after 2 months of dating.. an awesome 2 months by the way.. but one day we had a slightly unconformable conversation where I was a little frustrated with him, and well... I never heard from him again. Heartbroken isn't a good enough word to describe how hurt I was. Anyhow, I just wanted you to know you're not the only one frustrated and disappointed with the dating world now. It's impersonal, detached, and people treat you like you're not a human being with feelings because you're on the other side of the computer. But keeping positive, I will stay hopeful for the both of us and that either 1. Despite the horrid conditions of online dating, we meet someone worthwhile or 2. Meet someone worthwhile the old-fashioned way. Take care & best of luck to you That was very nice. Thank you. 1
kendahke Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Co-sign. I can't bring myself to sign onto dating sites anymore. I just don't understand what it is that they want, even though their profiles state they want the exact same thing I want. 1
kendahke Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Every guy eventually learns the hard way that being the good man pays no dividends at all. Such is the world for some reason That applies to good women, too. IME, I was messaging a guy who was 62, bald, a little on the pudgy side, absolutely not a hard body whose stated interests and philosophies were in complete alignment to mine. Sent him two messages: he ignored both of them, even though his profile clearly stated that he responds to every message sent. I look pretty good for an almost 56 year old woman. A cross between Nigella Lawson and Pam Grier, physically. Have my own hair and teeth; gainfully employed; creative, loving, blah blah blah. Not a peep of interest from anyone but catfish and romance scammers. Now explain that one to me. OP, at least you're getting dates. I'm getting radio silence. 1
Author Single2007 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 That applies to good women, too. IME, I was messaging a guy who was 62, bald, a little on the pudgy side, absolutely not a hard body whose stated interests and philosophies were in complete alignment to mine. Sent him two messages: he ignored both of them, even though his profile clearly stated that he responds to every message sent. I look pretty good for an almost 56 year old woman. A cross between Nigella Lawson and Pam Grier, physically. Have my own hair and teeth; gainfully employed; creative, loving, blah blah blah. Not a peep of interest from anyone but catfish and romance scammers. Now explain that one to me. OP, at least you're getting dates. I'm getting radio silence. After a while you start to believe it's you that is the issue. I'm talking in general terms, not you directly. I can't tell you how many profiles I have read where I thought to myself "wow, I totally relate" only for messages to be completely ignored. I believe more now than ever, that the idea of relationships is good enough for many people online. 1
SwordofFlame Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 There are a lot of "damaged" people on online dating and I suspect it gets worse as you get older. I would think most people use online dating because they're having trouble meeting someone offline. There could be a multitude of reasons why they're having trouble offline. For me, I'm just an introverted guy that doesn't have a large social circle. You just need to get good at weeding out people online. It's something you'll get better at with more online dating experience. 1
chapter44 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I personally enjoy going out although I don't do the online thing. My approach to dating has always been to just enjoy the present moment and get out and do fun things even if you don't see a relationship. Don't put so much pressure on it, plan things that you want to do and invite your dates to accompany you and let it play out. At the very least you wont be home thinking about why it's so hard to find someone. 2
Miss Peach Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) OP I get your pain. If you are that jaded though I would take a break because you will scare off the people you are trying to attract. I'm in the same boat. I keep meeting guy after guy who wants to date me but for a casual relationship. Or they are really serious but have some big flaw for me like they aren't reliable. My previous two relationships are a guy who told me he loved me and then ghosted me several months into a relationship and a guy who couldn't tell me he loved me a year in but wanted to endlessly date me. I'm just finally found a guy who seems to be a good match and is what I'm looking for. It's been 5 months. Took me lots of dates to find him after years of 3 dates or less guys. Within a few dates I was able to catch a huge red flag for me almost every guy I met. And I get asked out a lot. But it's so weird for me to let him in my life because it's been so long at this point since I've met anyone worth it. I can't remember the last time I did the major milestones with anyone I've met so many people who want FWB/NSA arrangements or are just flakes. I have no issues going on with both feet in and so far neither does he. But yes it does seem rarer and more difficult nowadays. Edited October 22, 2015 by Miss Peach 1
Peachland Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Op, you found out like the rest of us there is a lot of riff-raff on the online dating sites. I've had a better experience with the paid sites but you still have to filter, filter, filter and then don't get too invested until they prove themselves to be worthy. Define your red flags and quickly move on if they're not making the cut. It's time consuming but it's better than dealing with all the nonsense out there. 1
neowulf Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I knew even before reading the OP a bloke started this thread Every guy eventually learns the hard way that being the good man pays no dividends at all. Such is the world for some reason Online dating literally sounds useless. I'd get off it if I was you. "Being a good guy doesn't pay dividends" Ok, this kind of rot has been really getting under my skin lately. I do my best to be a "good" man. But I sure as hell don't do it to score with the ladies. I don't do it because I think it'll earn me a place in heaven (I'm agnostic). I do it so I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm a man of character. I do it for ME. Because I place value in being that kind of person as I move through this life. I'm sick of people throwing around "But I'm a gooooood maaaan.. why won't women jump me!" around like it's some kind of free pass. Be a good man, because being that man is a thing to aspire to. 1
kendahke Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 "Being a good guy doesn't pay dividends" Ok, this kind of rot has been really getting under my skin lately. I do my best to be a "good" man. But I sure as hell don't do it to score with the ladies. I don't do it because I think it'll earn me a place in heaven (I'm agnostic). I do it so I can look myself in the mirror and know that I'm a man of character. I do it for ME. Because I place value in being that kind of person as I move through this life. I'm sick of people throwing around "But I'm a gooooood maaaan.. why won't women jump me!" around like it's some kind of free pass. Be a good man, because being that man is a thing to aspire to. : wildly applauding : Thank you! Rot it is. Doing anything to machine an outcome or manipulate others increases the chances of winding up further way from what it is one says they want.
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