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Have I made the right decision cutting my ex girlfriend off?


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Posted

I met my first girlfriend a year ago now back in the middle of September. We hit it off right away, we got along really well and seemed to have quite a lot in common. We began talking outside of class and started off just as friends and things gradually progressed from there. During this time we both got to know each other and subsequently I became aware of her depression, self harm and past relationships/experiences.

 

We started actually seeing/dating each other around December time. Prior to then I guess there was confusion or uncertainty on both of our parts as to whether it was a "does he/she like me as a friend only or more" kind of thing. We would talk and hang out most days, text or talk on the phone for hours and just spend a lot of time in general together really. Things seemed to be going really well and although we had the occasional argument or disagreements here and there, I wouldn't say there was anything major issue-wise. Although during this period she was of course suffering from what she told me was depression and her self harm. I helped and supported her massively with regards to that and tried to be there for her as much as I could throughout. There were times where I now look back on and think she took me for granted and stuff though.

 

To cut a long story short though during the middle of April she went out one night after she had finished work which was around 1-2am. I was woken up to a call from her at around 6am that day and she was pretty drunk, slurring her words and not making much sense. Her mom took the phone off her and told me she had been out all night drinking and questioned me about whether or not I had been with her. Her mom blamed me for this although I had no idea whatsoever and as far as I knew she had been in work. The next day she called me up and I was pretty angry with her for a number of reasons, primarily why she had been out drinking so late and me receiving what appeared to be the blame for something I was not even aware of. My girlfriend told me that a guy (a friend) had texted her and asked her to come out for a few drinks after she finished work but she told me that there was a group of people (guys and girls) and insisted it wasn't "just him and her". I was still pretty angry but I accepted people make mistakes and she seemed genuinely sorry so I forgave her. She even insisted "it's not like I did anything or slept with anyone".

 

Around June time and even before then me and her had been arguing somewhat more frequently. Just over little things and I'd say half of the arguments occurred due to suspicions I had regarding guys who'd message her and whatnot. I never accused her and I always trusted her but she would always try to make me seem paranoid and overly protective/jealous. One day after she had stayed over she had logged into her Facebook on my computer and before she left she forgot to logout. Initially I was going to just log her off but I had a feeling something just wasn't quite right. I went through her inbox and when I selected the 'archived messages' I came across a number of conversations. Most significantly was the one between the guy she had been drinking with back in April that one night. The messages read things like "Did you take the pill?". Some of her responses included "I will if I have to aha xxxxx" and "I thought it was more than just a sh*g xxxxxxxx". I was pretty much heartbroken and I read through all of the previous messages and the dates added up which confirmed it all. She slept with this guy that night back in April behind my back and had been lying about it ever since. At this point I was furious and in a pretty bad state, I read through other messages to see she had told her best friend and one of her cousin's and just from reading the messages there didn't appear to be any remorse or regret at all. Another lie I also found about was that she had told me around May time that some guy she had slept with before me and her met had randomly messaged her accusing her of giving him an STD. Even though it didn't make sense to me due to the length of time between when he and her had slept together she insisted that he was wrong but thought it was "right to tell me". However, it turned out that it was the guy she slept with in April that was accusing her of such but to cover her tracks swapped it around with a guy she was seeing before me and her met.

 

After finding out what I did I thought about it for a few hours and allowed it to sink in as I was still in shock and disbelief. I didn't bother to call her and I simply texted her telling her that I knew what she did with this guy and that I was finished with her. She tried texting/calling me numerous times but I ignored the calls. The texts she sent were things along the lines of "I'm sorry I didn't mean for you to find out this way" "It meant nothing, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" etc. She even said "This is for the best anyway, good luck and I hope you get the help you need". I didn't reply to her after that and I deleted her number and blocked her off Facebook.

 

A week or so later she called me up, crying and repeatedly apologizing to me, telling me how much of an "idiot" she had been and how much she had missed me. Despite all of this I still loved her and she seemed genuinely remorseful. We met up later that day and talked about it for a while. I didn't want to lose her and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt which I do regret now, but regardless I forgave her and we got back together.

 

Unfortunately we only remained together for about 2 weeks before she came home from work one night and told me that she didn't think thing were working and that she wanted to remain close friends. I was pretty angry and shocked but I was really dependent on her and for whatever stupid reasons I had in my head I felt I couldn't not have her in my life so I reluctantly agreed to be friends. She would still call me practically everyday and text me. We were even 'friends with benefits' on and off during this time.

 

During this time we've had a lot of arguments and she's talked to me like complete sh*t many occasions. She was recently diagnosed with BPD and she's having treatment for that. Due to the stress of our relationship I began drinking quite often to try and deal with what happened. We are still friends at the moment and agreed to "be there for each other". But I don't know whether I can do it, I obsess over it daily and even though I told her I forgave her I feel there will always be a part of me that will resent her for cheating. I feel like she has been so selfish and cruel towards me and just downright used me when I think back in hindsight. All of my friends tell me I should just cut her off but I don't want to hurt her. I want to believe she loves me but I think it's always been a more one sided kind of relationship.

 

She's moving forward with her life and even though we still talk regularly (not as often as it used to be) it sucks. I feel like I've helped her tons and put everything I had into her and I've just been spat out and she's moved forward. She has other people to talk to and I just feel abandoned and thrown aside like I was nothing. She says she cares about me but I honestly don't feel it.

 

I did try to cut off contact the other day with her and she initially seemed to be reluctantly accepting it. Soon as I sent her my goodbye text she phoned me up and began crying, asking me "not to do this" and that "therapy is pointless without having you by my side" etc. I felt awful so I told her to forget it.

 

However a few days later I found out she was talking to one of her exes and I confronted her about it. She just tried to make excuses and I asked her why she hadn't bothered to ask me how my recent therapy session went (For my anxiety) and she just said she was busy and expected me to tell her in my own time. I realized it wasn't going to work so I told her I'm following through with the no contact, which at that point she called me "pathetic" as well as other things and we both argued but for the most part I tried to appeal to her what I thought existed "good side" and pointed out that all I ever did was try to be there for her and do my best for her. She just mocked me and told me she only stayed with me because she felt sorry for me.

 

Sorry about the length of this thread but I felt like I really had to get this off of my chest. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond, it is much appreciated.

Posted

Yes you have made the right decision.

 

Time to move on.

Posted

Block her.

She is no friend and a nightmare of an ex that needs to be gone for good.

Posted

Agree you did the right thing stay NC this time.

 

When time passes and you meet a stable girl who's capable of maintaining a normal relationship this girl will be a thing of the past and you'll wonder why you stayed so long.

Posted
I met my first girlfriend a year ago now back in the middle of September. We hit it off right away, we got along really well and seemed to have quite a lot in common. We began talking outside of class and started off just as friends and things gradually progressed from there. During this time we both got to know each other and subsequently I became aware of her depression, self harm and past relationships/experiences.

 

We started actually seeing/dating each other around December time. Prior to then I guess there was confusion or uncertainty on both of our parts as to whether it was a "does he/she like me as a friend only or more" kind of thing. We would talk and hang out most days, text or talk on the phone for hours and just spend a lot of time in general together really. Things seemed to be going really well and although we had the occasional argument or disagreements here and there, I wouldn't say there was anything major issue-wise. Although during this period she was of course suffering from what she told me was depression and her self harm. I helped and supported her massively with regards to that and tried to be there for her as much as I could throughout. There were times where I now look back on and think she took me for granted and stuff though.

 

To cut a long story short though during the middle of April she went out one night after she had finished work which was around 1-2am. I was woken up to a call from her at around 6am that day and she was pretty drunk, slurring her words and not making much sense. Her mom took the phone off her and told me she had been out all night drinking and questioned me about whether or not I had been with her. Her mom blamed me for this although I had no idea whatsoever and as far as I knew she had been in work. The next day she called me up and I was pretty angry with her for a number of reasons, primarily why she had been out drinking so late and me receiving what appeared to be the blame for something I was not even aware of. My girlfriend told me that a guy (a friend) had texted her and asked her to come out for a few drinks after she finished work but she told me that there was a group of people (guys and girls) and insisted it wasn't "just him and her". I was still pretty angry but I accepted people make mistakes and she seemed genuinely sorry so I forgave her. She even insisted "it's not like I did anything or slept with anyone".

 

Around June time and even before then me and her had been arguing somewhat more frequently. Just over little things and I'd say half of the arguments occurred due to suspicions I had regarding guys who'd message her and whatnot. I never accused her and I always trusted her but she would always try to make me seem paranoid and overly protective/jealous. One day after she had stayed over she had logged into her Facebook on my computer and before she left she forgot to logout. Initially I was going to just log her off but I had a feeling something just wasn't quite right. I went through her inbox and when I selected the 'archived messages' I came across a number of conversations. Most significantly was the one between the guy she had been drinking with back in April that one night. The messages read things like "Did you take the pill?". Some of her responses included "I will if I have to aha xxxxx" and "I thought it was more than just a sh*g xxxxxxxx". I was pretty much heartbroken and I read through all of the previous messages and the dates added up which confirmed it all. She slept with this guy that night back in April behind my back and had been lying about it ever since. At this point I was furious and in a pretty bad state, I read through other messages to see she had told her best friend and one of her cousin's and just from reading the messages there didn't appear to be any remorse or regret at all. Another lie I also found about was that she had told me around May time that some guy she had slept with before me and her met had randomly messaged her accusing her of giving him an STD. Even though it didn't make sense to me due to the length of time between when he and her had slept together she insisted that he was wrong but thought it was "right to tell me". However, it turned out that it was the guy she slept with in April that was accusing her of such but to cover her tracks swapped it around with a guy she was seeing before me and her met.

 

After finding out what I did I thought about it for a few hours and allowed it to sink in as I was still in shock and disbelief. I didn't bother to call her and I simply texted her telling her that I knew what she did with this guy and that I was finished with her. She tried texting/calling me numerous times but I ignored the calls. The texts she sent were things along the lines of "I'm sorry I didn't mean for you to find out this way" "It meant nothing, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" etc. She even said "This is for the best anyway, good luck and I hope you get the help you need". I didn't reply to her after that and I deleted her number and blocked her off Facebook.

 

A week or so later she called me up, crying and repeatedly apologizing to me, telling me how much of an "idiot" she had been and how much she had missed me. Despite all of this I still loved her and she seemed genuinely remorseful. We met up later that day and talked about it for a while. I didn't want to lose her and I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt which I do regret now, but regardless I forgave her and we got back together.

 

Unfortunately we only remained together for about 2 weeks before she came home from work one night and told me that she didn't think thing were working and that she wanted to remain close friends. I was pretty angry and shocked but I was really dependent on her and for whatever stupid reasons I had in my head I felt I couldn't not have her in my life so I reluctantly agreed to be friends. She would still call me practically everyday and text me. We were even 'friends with benefits' on and off during this time.

 

During this time we've had a lot of arguments and she's talked to me like complete sh*t many occasions. She was recently diagnosed with BPD and she's having treatment for that. Due to the stress of our relationship I began drinking quite often to try and deal with what happened. We are still friends at the moment and agreed to "be there for each other". But I don't know whether I can do it, I obsess over it daily and even though I told her I forgave her I feel there will always be a part of me that will resent her for cheating. I feel like she has been so selfish and cruel towards me and just downright used me when I think back in hindsight. All of my friends tell me I should just cut her off but I don't want to hurt her. I want to believe she loves me but I think it's always been a more one sided kind of relationship.

 

She's moving forward with her life and even though we still talk regularly (not as often as it used to be) it sucks. I feel like I've helped her tons and put everything I had into her and I've just been spat out and she's moved forward. She has other people to talk to and I just feel abandoned and thrown aside like I was nothing. She says she cares about me but I honestly don't feel it.

 

I did try to cut off contact the other day with her and she initially seemed to be reluctantly accepting it. Soon as I sent her my goodbye text she phoned me up and began crying, asking me "not to do this" and that "therapy is pointless without having you by my side" etc. I felt awful so I told her to forget it.

 

However a few days later I found out she was talking to one of her exes and I confronted her about it. She just tried to make excuses and I asked her why she hadn't bothered to ask me how my recent therapy session went (For my anxiety) and she just said she was busy and expected me to tell her in my own time. I realized it wasn't going to work so I told her I'm following through with the no contact, which at that point she called me "pathetic" as well as other things and we both argued but for the most part I tried to appeal to her what I thought existed "good side" and pointed out that all I ever did was try to be there for her and do my best for her. She just mocked me and told me she only stayed with me because she felt sorry for me.

 

Sorry about the length of this thread but I felt like I really had to get this off of my chest. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond, it is much appreciated.

 

Any relationship that would cause me to go to an online advice site and required me to write this much and involves so much drama, would be over before I got through the first paragraph and that person would be cut from my life with surgical precision.

 

Yes, you are doing the right thing!

Posted

Just think of it this way... she is an ex for a reason.

 

and look it at it this way..

 

 

you had a long day at work, you get home; you feel disgusting. So what do you do? Take a shower.

 

After you shower, scrub down, dry off... Do you put your sweaty underwear back on? NO! You get another clean pair.

 

She was great, that is why you dated her. For whatever reason, it got sweaty and they needed to come off. I would say in several years and you are still open, it should be clean by then... and i would give it go.. but all white underwear leaves stains no matter how many times you wash them.

Posted

I read your story - and my previous post still applies.

 

This woman doesn't care about the relationship. She sounds young and you will experience this from most women up until their late 20s.

 

the main question I have for you is this. What is your deal breaker? in a relationship? Someone cheating on you? is that a deal breaker? - If so why did you take her back? She will just do it again; but this time she will have no respect. You took her back even when she was unfaithful.

 

I did this crap last year, you can see some of my previous posts from last year. This girl drove me crazy, depressed, and she cheated on me. Except for 2 months later, I got a call that she has the clap and thought it would be responsible for her to tell me.

 

As soon as she told me she cheated, I made an appointment the following day to get an STD test - full blood work. So when she told me, I laughed at her and said, sounds like you have been hoping on dirty ***ks. I see you have been enjoying yourself. *she hung up* and got a text F**k y*u!

 

Never again, will i settle for anything less than the best. When I give out the same. The arguments is not a big thing here to focus on; in all relationships you will have these arguments. its how you guys pick up the pieces after it and deal with it.

 

Do yourself a favor - get an STD test. if you are under 18, might be tough.

 

Next time she calls you, say this. The way you have been talking to me; I have done a lot of thinking. Its my personal philosophy not to remain friends with my ex's. I wish you best of luck!

 

- super respectful, you told her how she acts effects you, and you are not going to let her bring you down.

 

your friends are right, and i know when we have those rose color glasses - its tough to make that call. but come on man.. she cheated on you.. maybe more than once. enough to not even wear a rubber..

Posted

Any continued contact with this kind of a toxic person will only steal from your future... it will drain you and leave you unavailable for a person who will treat you right.

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