LoveRefreshed Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I just can't help the awesome pun in this. Monogomy.. polyamory.. I'd rather have a monopoly on my girlfriends heart and vagina, you? I wrote a long story and decided to drop it. What it boils down to is this.. A girl who is poly told me she would be monogamous to be with me.. that she thinks I am that great. The fact that she is poly has turned my world upside down. I'm not against it and faced with the logical thought of it, doesn't bother me. However, in this moment for the first time in my life, first girl I've been involved with felt this way, it inspired huge feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. She said she would be monogamous, so if I decided to pursue, I would have to learn to trust.. is it wise to trust? Can a poly be happy monogamous and faithful? I've read before, and you better believe now, about all the views on it. I would love if I was OK with it, but I'm not. She can take as many women as she wants, in both ways (purely hedonistic NSA sex, or as a romantic interest) I am not intimidated, but the thought of either way with a man and I'm ready to just jump now. Like seriously, is she going to wait 10 months until I'm in it with my heart and then she tells me she is unsatisfied? Can I learn to trust her? I was with a woman for 5 years, and I was open to MFM and MFF threesomes, but they never wanted them. When I feel secure and trusting and loved, sure, I can probably go this far with her just like before, but to let her go **** a dude she fancies from the bar, just because, like everyone else, we like variety, I can't do it. Or even worse, to allow her to get emotionally involved with another man, no way. It's my limitation. Anyway, I have so many other questions and wonders about this life style. Has anyone lived it and decided monogamy is the better way? Anyone switch and have 0 regrets? Which form of polyamory (open relationship versus multiple relationships?) If anyone read my last post I made, this is the same girl and this is all on the context if I get a job I've just interviewed for here in the US... and I decide to take it.
mystikmind2005 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I think a pretty large proportion of guys are envious of guys like you who manage to find women like this and don't want the benefits. All these guys are chomping at the bit to be in your position! lol
Guyouthere Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 A woman has to be clear and free to date me for me to want her in my life. I won't tolerate any 3somes, dating other guys (after a certain point in our relationship), or any "weird" stuff concerning other men, etc. Basically looking for a clean and old fashioned lady. They are the most valuable these days
Author LoveRefreshed Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 I think a pretty large proportion of guys are envious of guys like you who manage to find women like this and don't want the benefits. All these guys are chomping at the bit to be in your position! lol A lot of guys are chomping at the bit to be banging a few ladies. I bet a lot of these guys when faced with the very true fact she will do better than he does in picking up people to ****, will change their ****ing minds. It's one of those things that sounds great.. until you meet a girl you want to have a connection with and are afraid of getting your heart ripped out later. I'm a romantic and I believe in love, so I don't need to be validated with many partners or feel that I am missing out by not ****ing the blond tonight.. Because I'd rather go **** the girl I know that knows what I like and I know that she's going to like what I do to her and I know it's going to be awesome. A woman has to be clear and free to date me for me to want her in my life. I won't tolerate any 3somes, dating other guys (after a certain point in our relationship), or any "weird" stuff concerning other men, etc. Basically looking for a clean and old fashioned lady. They are the most valuable these days Well homie, I agree. Except for the 3somes stuff. I'm kinky and ****, but I'm not into sharing my lady, especially a new one, with a man. Maybe when I feel secure, safe, and our relationship is strong and full of trust, I could go for threesomes. She's been open and honest and we're not dating yet, but it's more about the talking and discussing if we should try should I stay here. Anyway, went and ripped bowls with her last night, and talked a bunch. I figure the only way to see if I can trust her is to get to know her. I've read Stranger in a Strange Land. Mike's utopian love nest sounds so awesome, hypothetically. I just don't believe in a place with no jealousy. A place where I can love 4 girls and 3 dudes and they all love me back and I can trust them. It's something I've thought about for a long time, so maybe we have difference in opinions on it, but funny that we both are like "meh, **** that"....
central Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Can a poly be happy monogamous and faithful? Yes. For the right person, and if they make that commitment, definitely yes. Wife and I are poly/open or have been open to being open since we met. No one else has ever come close to what we are to each other, so we can easily be mono and faithful with each other. She was always more poly oriented than me, and now is very content with being mono. Now I'm more open than she is, but would be mono if she asked. (Originally I thought you did mean a couple where one is actively Monogamous, and one is actively Polyamorous -> MonoPoly.) 1
PogoStick Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 You're ahead of yourself. If you think this girl might be an awesome relationship then give it a chance. What I mean is treat it like any relationship. Take it slow. Get to know her. Tell her exactly what you want and expect of a relationship. Poly doesn't have to mean she's fking random dudes from a bar. Maybe she will end up accepting you as her only male love. Maybe she'll end up being awesome and share her female lovers with you. You could end up with crazy fantasy FMFF sex. Who knows? 2
Author LoveRefreshed Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Yes. For the right person, and if they make that commitment, definitely yes. Wife and I are poly/open or have been open to being open since we met. No one else has ever come close to what we are to each other, so we can easily be mono and faithful with each other. She was always more poly oriented than me, and now is very content with being mono. Now I'm more open than she is, but would be mono if she asked. (Originally I thought you did mean a couple where one is actively Monogamous, and one is actively Polyamorous -> MonoPoly.) Very interesting. Well, I mean one where a person started off as Mono and is dating someone who is poly. She was with her husband for 10 years (not married that long) and he basically told her from the start he wants to bone other people. That has been her only long relationship. I am so glad to hear your story Central. Hearing things like this is cool. How did you deal with Jealousy? I mean, I really get this strange feeling when I think about her with another man. I can say that as she is more open and honest and as I get to know her more, I am feeling a lot more trust, if it were to keep building like this, then I think I can imagine trusting her to not fall out of love with me or me losing my '#1, her man' spot. You're ahead of yourself. If you think this girl might be an awesome relationship then give it a chance. What I mean is treat it like any relationship. Take it slow. Get to know her. Tell her exactly what you want and expect of a relationship. Poly doesn't have to mean she's fking random dudes from a bar. Maybe she will end up accepting you as her only male love. Maybe she'll end up being awesome and share her female lovers with you. You could end up with crazy fantasy FMFF sex. Who knows? Well I talked to her, because I think some of my fears are that if we did this, she would be able to do much much better than me. I am a chubby guy..., she is a nerdy super sexy gamer girl who likes to have kinky sex. I think I was afraid of exactly what you are getting at here. That I'd get jealous if she ended up ****ing other dudes while I was at home jerking off to porn. Like what happens most of the time when I am single trying to pick up chicks. So I talked to her, and she said that when she was with her husband, it was vary occasional, not often and it was like 1 or 2 different guys. I don't know, sounds less intimidating, but we talked tonight about it and she said that I don't need to push myself and to relax. We can be monogamous and let our relationship grow. and I feel really good with that, and it's the exact advice you gave. So I'm going to do that, and just see where this goes. I don't need such a crazy life with more than one woman, but if it happens, then cool. Also, I got the job offer today
PogoStick Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 Well I talked to her, because I think some of my fears are that if we did this, she would be able to do much much better than me. I am a chubby guy..., she is a nerdy super sexy gamer girl who likes to have kinky sex. I think I was afraid of exactly what you are getting at here. That I'd get jealous if she ended up ****ing other dudes while I was at home jerking off to porn. Like what happens most of the time when I am single trying to pick up chicks. Also, I got the job offer today I suggest 2 things: 1. Talk to her about poly, just for information. Ask why she does it. What does it mean to her? Does it come from her own insecurity, is something missing inside herself that she fills with the attention of men? Maybe, maybe not. Is it about multiple loves, or is it more about having variety of sex? Ask how she will feel in a monogamous relationship. Does she get restless? Can it be fulfilling to her? 2. It's obvious that your own insecurity is an issue; even if she chooses you, and only you. You must consider "chubby" to make you less attractive, so fix it. Exercise, put on some muscle and lose fat. You'll feel more confident and she'll end up finding you even more attractive. When sex comes to the table, be honest that you feel she is more kinky and experienced that you. Tell her you want to have hot, kinky sex, that you want to make her fantasies come true. And ask for her help in guiding you to make that happen. Likely, she'll be thrilled to show you. Bonus: Finally, let me share an experience and something to consider. I've done swinging we a couple girls, and one had a couple regular fk buddies on the side too. That can be really difficult, it will stir insecurity and jealousy; and it takes very good open communication. However, after those things are settled I was left with this: A girl who has permission to be with any other guy she chooses, but I was always #1. To me, that was the biggest compliment she could have given. 1
Author LoveRefreshed Posted October 25, 2015 Author Posted October 25, 2015 Thanks pogo for the input. Well, I've been pretty much in open dialogue with this with her since I've started posting here. Especially as it has gone from just ****ing, to liking each other, to me getting a job here in the end. So I spoke with her and wanted to clear up what exact form of Polyamory was she into. She has been in a triad with another guy and girl, as well as an open relationship with her ex-husband. Basically, her relationship with her ex was 11 years long, started in high school. He wanted an open relationship then, so they had one. She said it was hard at first, but then grew into it. Hypothetically, if we were together and open- She said that I would always be her number 1, the guy she loves and comes home to and wants to be with. That she just has 1 or 2 other guys as her **** buddies for fun most of the time. Sometimes is into a new person or lets one go, etc... She will sometimes pick up ladies, but a bit more rare unless it's for a three way with me. Rarely does she want to go 1 on 1 with a girl. She said that she has never had a monogamous relationship, but she's an honest and open person and told me she would be monogamous with me and be honest if anything happens. Which she has been so far (when we first started banging, she broke up with her bf, and then started banging me and had ****ed a friend of hers twice. She told me about it and was very open about who he was, etc..) then when she said she wanted to give herself to me even if I was moving, we went monogamous but she told me he tried to **** her again, but she declined, he got mad, but he did sit with her on the couch watching a movie and held her.. Which made me a little jealous and we talked about it. She said she would behave as if I were there at all times from now on and that she will be open about everything. I told her that was everything to me.. honesty and being open. No omissions, etc.. She cried during this and got really insecure. She was afraid I thought she was a slut and a bad person, etc.. that for her, it was the only way she knew and the way I felt was new to her and she is trying to learn to behave to make sure I don't shut her out and step back from her. I told her that if she wanted to have an open relationship, then I could just be a **** buddy and she can do what she wants, but she assured me she wants me and can be monogamous and happy with me. So to address the next part of your post- Yes, I have some serious and severe issues that I have never managed or handled. Parents having affairs, drug addictions, being left by my mother when I was kid. No friends in school, girls ignoring me in high school. Having girls constantly reject me in college, choosing other men over me, then cheating on their bfs with me, but staying with them. Having one gf in college before going 3 years without touching a girl after I broke up with her... I don't know, I spent a lot of my childhood and young adult life lonely and rejected, having no attention from women. I do work out, I was running 3 miles a day, I am getting back into running. I have gone from 290 lbs to 230 lbs, (now I'm about 255, but I'm trying to drop back down again), but the thing she loves most about me is that I'm big (her words "My type are the funny fat guys") but that is her type. I never get girls who want to just ****. I get girls who want to fall in love. My three girlfriends have been a virgin, a girl who was with only one other guy, and a girl who slept with 3 other guys before me. This is the first time I've met such a sexual girl (who is also falling for me, as she has told me and made me feel it). When I told her exactly what I wrote here, that I was worried an open relationship would just mean her going to **** another guy when she wants and me going home to jerk off to porn or watch tv and feeling lonely.. to which she told me that if we decided to be open, this would never happen. She would ask me first before every time if I was okay with it, and if I ever felt bad, she'd drop that guy for me instantly (even permanently if I felt threatened by another person). Then told me to stop pushing myself right now. And which is back to where we are and where I mentioned in my last post.. that we're going to be monogamous, and let it grow and see what happens. One final point, about 'why she's poly'.. I think I am her first guy that wants to be monogamous (since after he husband it was the triad and then a short relationship with a friend that she said was more of a lonely rebound). Based on her stories of her ex husband, I think she has never fully been satisfied by a man.. like a close enough fit that the holes can be filled in by other men in her life (pun? anyone?). Also that when she was a kid, her father divorced her mother and moved to the opposite side of the rockies, leaving her with her mother. She admitted that it was significant when she was younger, but not anymore. I feel much much better, and when we continue to grow and I feel she is open, and honest as she is now, and just as loving, I might be able to accept something without jealousy. I just don't think I can right now. I certainly have toyed around with seeing a therapist for a long time about the emotional pains I carry around. Anyway, again Pogo, thanks for the discussion on this with me. I appreciate the words of wisdom.
PogoStick Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 By the way sir, I grew up in Cedar Rapids. Bottom line, the healthier you are physically and mentally, the better your relationships will be. Find a therapist you connect with, stick with it for at least a year. And get in the gym. Feel free to PM if you prefer.
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