Shattering the rose-tinted glasses

[BonerFide]

I think it's safe to say that a large number of us heartbroken dumpees flock to these forums seeking comfort because none of us like break ups. It's nothing but completely expected, when you're still in love with someone and they rip your heart out, you tend to look for reasons why; you blame yourself, you tear apart moments of the relationship, adding meaning where there was none, stirring up regret and remorse from even the smallest and most insignificant of memories. Last month I experienced a break up for the first time, and though I jumped straight into NC, I also spent a large amount of time extensively researching everything about break ups. Proper BU etiquette, why BUs happen, why reconciliations happen, how people get over it, what happens when people DON'T get over it, what you should do, what the dumper is thinking and a whole platter of other topics.

 

For a long time I wanted my ex back. I wanted to better myself, and then I wanted to start a new relationship with him. The break up was justified and I saw it coming, a lot was broken; yet once it happened, all I wanted to do was fix it. So what changed? Well, I woke up. I kept dreaming of my ex and what it'd be like to have him back, until I realised I was dreaming of a relationship we'd never quite had with a guy who was very different. Better for me. Then today, only a few days after I hit the 30 day NC milestone, I realised that I'm no longer in love with him. I'm still admittedly somewhat besotted with the idea of a happy ending and I will never turn around and say "Him? Never again!"... but today I realised that it probably never will be him again, nor do I particularly want it to be.

 

When I was the happy, fun girl that all his friends adored and made him proud, he loved me. As soon as I was going through a hard time, he got distance and we detached. I don't blame him for the BU, I blame both of us quite equally. But what I realised was that we BROKE UP, and for a REASON. Yes, I wanted reconciliation, and no, I haven't been able to look at another guy and imagine myself quite as happy with them, but I now clearly see why the BU happened and why reconciliation is not something I actually want at all.

 

I know a lot of you are still in the throes of wanting an ex back, and badly... but I urge you to REALLY look at the person you're pining after, and be honest with yourselves. Do you actually miss them, or the idea of them? Do you love them, or what you had together in the past that has since changed? I will never forget my ex and perhaps a small part of me will still love him but what's really become the final part of me moving on is realising exactly why I am doing it; not to get him back, not because I have to, but because it is unanimously the right thing to do. Once you realise that, and you realise what's out there, I promise you the memories haunting you have a lot less power.

 

I'm not saying it will only take a month, I was with this guy for just a year and some people have been in love for eight times that long, but whether it takes a month or a year or longer, you have to want to heal to be able to do it. I don't mean "heal" while hoping for reconciliation. I mean really letting go, pushing past and actually letting yourself be someone who is worthy of love that will never cause them this much pain.

[Meli22]

When break ups happen it's natural to have that person on a pedestal because 1) we still love them, and 2) human nature says we want what we can't have.

 

To be honest I took my ex off the pedestal pretty much the day I broke up with him. I was so tired of him messing me around, being distant, complaining something was missing, being possessive and just taking me for granted in general. I saw this person who only a few months before, I absolutely adored and couldn't picture being without. But when the time came for me to suggest a break up, I was so fed up of doubting myself and feeling not good enough. So yeah he was off the pedestal. And I hated him for a while afterwards. I still have feelings for him but I wouldn't say I cared, as awful as that sounds. What he put me through and the things I sacrificed to keep him happy.. It took a lot of love away from me.

 

Its only after time apart that we are able to see things without the "rose tinted glasses" and it's only then that we think wow! Why didn't I see that?! Which is why NC is VITAL for healing and also the possibility of reconciliation. The relationship has to be looked upon from a distance.

[BonerFide]

When break ups happen it's natural to have that person on a pedestal because 1) we still love them, and 2) human nature says we want what we can't have.

 

To be honest I took my ex off the pedestal pretty much the day I broke up with him. I was so tired of him messing me around, being distant, complaining something was missing, being possessive and just taking me for granted in general. I saw this person who only a few months before, I absolutely adored and couldn't picture being without. But when the time came for me to suggest a break up, I was so fed up of doubting myself and feeling not good enough. So yeah he was off the pedestal. And I hated him for a while afterwards. I still have feelings for him but I wouldn't say I cared, as awful as that sounds. What he put me through and the things I sacrificed to keep him happy.. It took a lot of love away from me.

 

Its only after time apart that we are able to see things without the "rose tinted glasses" and it's only then that we think wow! Why didn't I see that?! Which is why NC is VITAL for healing and also the possibility of reconciliation. The relationship has to be looked upon from a distance.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[jrode23]

This is a great post.

 

I am only a week post-breakup and am slowly starting to come around on the fact that I need to heal and move on. There is still a big part of me that wants to be with my ex. I love her and I still do. Our breakup wasn't hostile, it was sad. We shared a hug and she walked out the door.

 

And while I am only a week out from being broken up with, I can't help but read your last two paragraphs and say that, in the days since I have settled down, I have tried to objectively looked at the relationship. I have tried to find the reasons for why it didn't work, or why I should move on and have the mentality of, "looking back, we weren't a fit," but I can't find anything. Which is what really makes letting go for me tough.

 

I'll spare everyone my story in this thread, but I also honestly feel as though people make poor life decisions based on a variety of external factors. We've all done it in different aspects of our life, so it certainly applies to relationships. Sometimes the dumper may not realize it right away, or they may not realize it ever. But it's why, unless the breakup/relationship is/was toxic, I don't think it's ever a bad thing to be open to the idea of reconciliation. Now, it shouldn't prevent you from living your life and moving on, but I don't think immediately writing someone off forever just because they broke up with you is necessarily the correct move either.

[BonerFide]

This is a great post.

 

I am only a week post-breakup and am slowly starting to come around on the fact that I need to heal and move on. There is still a big part of me that wants to be with my ex. I love her and I still do. Our breakup wasn't hostile, it was sad. We shared a hug and she walked out the door.

 

And while I am only a week out from being broken up with, I can't help but read your last two paragraphs and say that, in the days since I have settled down, I have tried to objectively looked at the relationship. I have tried to find the reasons for why it didn't work, or why I should move on and have the mentality of, "looking back, we weren't a fit," but I can't find anything. Which is what really makes letting go for me tough.

 

I'll spare everyone my story in this thread, but I also honestly feel as though people make poor life decisions based on a variety of external factors. We've all done it in different aspects of our life, so it certainly applies to relationships. Sometimes the dumper may not realize it right away, or they may not realize it ever. But it's why, unless the breakup/relationship is/was toxic, I don't think it's ever a bad thing to be open to the idea of reconciliation. Now, it shouldn't prevent you from living your life and moving on, but I don't think immediately writing someone off forever just because they broke up with you is necessarily the correct move either.

 

Honestly, that sounds like a hell of a lot of progress for one week. When I was a week in, I was going crazy over how to win him back and torturing myself with all of these crazy thoughts about how he didn't care, was going to move on/go back to his ex etc. I'm glad you're being so rational so quickly.

 

I know letting go is tough, but even if reconciliation is going to happen, from everything I know it happens once the two people have moved on, as only then will the relationship dynamics shift which makes starting again possible, fruitful or even completely successful. All I know is that while I can't yet think in a "we will never get back together and I am completely okay with that" manner, I am on my way and I know that moving on is the only option. I like to think about it this way: either you move on and they come back, and you're in a rational place where you can make a decision to start fresh, or they don't and it doesn't matter... because you've moved on anyway.

[Liono84]

Awesome post, OP. I'm very happy for you. While I'm not where you are, I'm certainly getting close. Mines, too, was roughly a year. I;ve mentioned this a few other times before, but a lot of the healing/getting over stage comes down to you, the dumpee, and no one else. That's not to say we're robots, and you should get over being dumped only a month after say, a 5 year relationship, but that there comes a point where the dumpee is the only person responsible for getting better. It's a lot like when a person falls ill to a life threatening disease, say for example, cancer. Sure, there are times, where no matter what, the person who is ill will die because the disease is too overpowering and it's too late. However, there are many instances where one can be in this predicament and the outcome falls solely on the will of the person to carry thru. Those who complain, reflect about the past, live in the past, feel sorry for themselves, have a greater likelihood in succumbing to death than those who live in the present and have the mentality of willing themselves, and thier only objective is overcoming death. Well, the same thing can be applied to breakups.

 

 

I'm a few months post-breakup, and even though I still have feelings for my ex, I haven't put my life on hold. I'm moving on with the notion that she will never come back. Sure, I still think about her, but I am very conscious about my thoughts, and when I do think about her on those idle times during the day, I quickly tell myself to think of something else. The point is, it's only up to me to move on and I believe I will. I believe I'll find someone better than her.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Liono84