She is still playing me [UPDATED]

[mightycpa]

Maybe I'm unusually stubborn, unusually strong, or unusually weak. I would always dream up ways of escape if I ever ran into the ex, and I had no qualms about openly turning my back and avoiding them, if I was in NC mode. I don't know, if it hurt me to hear from her, or be near her, or to know about her, I would always cut things off without hesitation, and without regard to how it looked. I'd do my second-guessing in private, and I never felt bad that I didn't take another shot. Actually, I felt strong and confident in myself because I hung on to my self-respect. I had buddies who would go back for a good bitch-slapping every once in a while, and I would wonder how they could do that to themselves.

 

I always assumed that I'd already had my shot at the relationship, and I didn't cut the mustard. I never imagined that a second bite at the apple would make any difference. Looking back, I still don't.

 

Like I said, I'm learning I'm unusual that way.

[Samuel_22]

What wrong with some of you posters. You people live in lala land. He has admit to making a ****ing mistake. It’s not easy to ignore a text or a form of communication from an ex. It’s sooo hard. Although blocking them if they are causing you hurt is a good idea.

 

I personally feel it was not a mistake for you to respond, you should not beat yourself up. You live and learn. If you didn’t contact her I bet ya in few months, years or whatever you would of lived with the question of "what if". You found your answer she a manipulative bitch or confused and immature. I believe she was lying about the engagement to try and invoke some sort of sick reaction, and you know why probably cause she hurting and angry with God know what in her life. Exes can do cruel things. However the greatest revenge is massive success.

 

Don’t take it to heart you put yourself out there, revealing you still care for her by asking if she was ok. Don’t feel like she thinks your weak. C'mon she told you she misses you, what do you think of her? The problem is your pride or ego has been dealt a blow, but recover who the hell cares if she thinks your weak **** her. You asked what a mature adult would ask someone you once shared your precious time with, simple as that! She has not got the upper hand, believe me in her four walls she leading a pathetic life to be toying with you like this. Just like you conquered the last 2 months of NC, dont worry start again and the time shall past and make you even stronger than before.

 

Who knows maybe this communication is what was needed for you properly push forward with your life. I remember your post about the sister messaging you, it’s hard to ignore that even for curiosity sake. Those who advocate NC are mostly right but also sometimes very misguided and judgemental if it’s broken. I believe many people on this forum would respond to an ex if they were desperately trying to communicate. And getting the sister to text you is desperate and plain weird.

 

Remember she does a lot of odd pathetic things, don’t put her on a pedestal. Who care if she thinks you still care about her (you do) there no shame in that your human. You reached out and she ignored you typical emotional game playing woman. Try not to over-analyses it and definitely don’t let it make you feel like ****.

Thank you mate, your words were really encouraging, I sometimes feel LS is like a boxing ring, they hit you as hard as one can get hit, not necessarily a bad thing, but having a coach to say hey stand up, go and show the ****ing world what the **** you are made of is always a good thing...

Thank you...

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop playing the victim card, man. Seriously. You are participating in the madness and get all upset when people call you out on it. Everyone advised you in your previous threads to not engage with her at all. And you went ahead and did it anyway. Yes, you made some big mistakes. That is on you, so own it and quit being a powerless victim. She's not evil, nobody here is attacking you, you don't need to lay down your sword in defeat. Come on, now. You have more control than that. Hitch up those big-boy pants and stay away from her.

Edited October 22, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Samuel_22]

Stop playing the victim card, man. Seriously. You are participating in the madness and get all upset when people call you out on it. Everyone advised you in your previous threads to not engage with her at all. And you went ahead and did it anyway. Yes, you made some big mistakes. That is on you, so own it and quit being a powerless victim. She's not evil, nobody here is attacking you, you don't need to lay down your sword in defeat. Come on, now. You have more control than that. Hitch up those big-boy pants and stay away from her.

She is Evil... Her real name has been revealed to me, her name is Medusa! She is Evil and if anyone tries to say otherwise, will be defied by me.

[drseuss]

I don't think you should feel guilty or sad for what you have done , if you didn't act on her bread crumbs you would be wishing you did and writing posts saying you think you missed your chance .

 

You took a risk , it didn't work out how you wanted and it's over and up from here on out , start you nc clock again and you know what to do !

[Hope87]

I really feel bad about myself. My ex is evil, I suppose some people have this finesse to teach Satan himself on how to hurt people. Two weeks ago I made the biggest mistake in my life since BU. I had received messages from my ex's sister about her breaking up with her boyfriend, that she was devastated and needed me. They manipulated me this way to establish contact with her, and when I did she told me she had got engaged with the boy, she also sent me some pictures to show what she was saying was really true. I wished her all the best and said goodbye.

 

Upon saying goodbye, she asked me to send the download links for new episodes of The Walking Dead, I sent her the links via e-mail and I said good-bye. Two days later she proposes a friendship, I replied and I said I had not signed up for this, and I can't be her friend under any circumstances, I also said it was best for both of us to cut all contact.

 

Two nights ago she again sent me a message on cellphone, she tells me the pictures were fake and she has missed me, when I replied and asked how she was, and she did not answer. I didn't even mention the fake pictures, if they were fake at all. Then after 6 hours I sent her another message and asked if she was ok and that I was worried, she did not answer that one either. At night I was worried, well I am human being, I sent her a message and told her, ''why do you even do that?'' I said what she was doing was ridiculous, she can at least confirm that she is ok. as I expected no answer at all.

 

I am here now, I hate myself and don't know what to do anymore, I have literally screwed two month of NC, and I feel like a clown, who is being ridiculed, not to mention by sending those 3 messages, I have a feeling, she feels I am still a weak person. All these events took me to one month ago, I have emotions comparable to how it felt a month ago, not as bad as two months ago when we broke up, but still I really feel bad.

 

Why is she even doing this? I have no clue. Do you think things have gone awry between them? Is she really trying to come back and that is why she is manipulating me like this? These question don't leave me alone. I am the one to blame, no doubt about this, I was rebellious and unruly and broke all rules, but I don't know how and where to start again?

 

 

Hi Samuel, I posted a detailed account of a similar experience I had but it got deleted, unfortunately. I'll try to summarise.

 

I was dating a guy and he broke up with me. I was devastated. Made the mistake of hooking up with him a few times hoping that it'd lead to reconciliation but he rejected me over and over again. I eventually made the decision to move on and stopped reaching out to him. Well, one day he contacts me out of the blue and proceeds to inform me via sms that he was dating a girl whom he had previously claimed was merely his family friend. He also informed me that "he was taking her very seriously and didn't want to mess things up and so would not be able to hang out with me for this reason ". Needless to say, I was devastated. I had afterall maintained NC for a period of time and hadn't even asked him to hang out in recent times. Why then did he deem it fit to give me this hurtful update?i responded emotionally etc ( played right into it), got upset etc but continued the moving on process.

 

Fast forward to a few months later, turns out he was never dating her seriously. Infact, it was just a fling. I don't think it lasted more than 2 weeks and at the time he contacted me there weren't even anything close to anything remotely serious. So he deliberately contacted me for the purpose of hurting me. Trumped up this exaggerated story about him taking the girl seriously ( when he never did), in order to elicit a reaction from me, as I had not contacted him for a while. He knew the most sensitive part to hit in a bid to trigger jealous and elicit a response. Why? Why toy with my emotions in this manner? Because he was simply a selfish attention seeking, narcissistic, troubled soul. I re-commenced the painful process of moving on etc.

 

Well today, he's back seeking reconciliation and expressing regret for letting me go. He wants another chance and has even asked me to move in with him. I've told him in unequivocal terms that's there is no future for us. He's been very consistent and persistent but to no avail. He's in disbelief, can't believe I'm rejecting him. After all he was the one who used to be in control, inflicting all the rejection on me exerting control. At the time, I felt so pathetic but now i can say I'm truly over him. Believe you me, he most likely hasn't changed and is probably just responding to the fact that I've truly moved on and cos I don't give him a damn about him anymore. His former "puppy dog" is no longer on a leash controlled by him. I bet you. If i gave him another chance, he'd do the same thing over and over again. Right now, his ego cannot accommodate the fact that I've moved on and I'm no longer at his mercy.

 

I hope you can get some inspiration from my story. Basically, this is all temporary. You will move on and you will enjoy happy and blissful days. You might feel consumed and overwhelmed by all this- but this will someday, sooner than later be your past.

 

People of this nature always want to retain control so i wouldn't be surprised if she returned after a period of silence to tug at your strings. Do not give in. It will probably drive her crazy, but that's none of your business. Never look back. She's a horrible person and her actions should reinforce the very resosn why you should do everything within your power to not respond to her tricks due to the detrimental effect it will have on you.

 

Please don't despair, things will get better soon. You've made progress even though you might not believe it. You went 2 months without talking to her, it's not a wasted effort. It means you've managed to suppress or withstand the addictive impulse to contact her. That's an indication of progress. I'm not a NC soldier and I don't advocate it as stringently as some other LSers do as circumstances differ, but in this case, I think it's the best course of action.

 

You need to heal and to regain your composure and confidence and you can only achieve this with NC.

 

Wish you the very best in your recovery and healing process.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Hope87

[Luke22]

Samuel 22. You are doing the right thing. Don't be tempted to unblock her. None of us had the perfect breakup. Do the best you can every moment, every day. It becomes easier in time.

 

 

How to move on? The number one start is no contact. With each contact, you lose ground and slip back. That also means don't check on her via social media or via someone else. Trust me, I checked early on and I also had contact. I had to go through the whole break up... All. over. again. Answers will only make you have more questions. At the end of the day, it is over. The quicker you accept that, the quicker you will move on.

 

 

No contact is for you. It will help you let go and focus on rebuilding your self esteem. It will be painfully hard initially, I know that. Write on here if you feel the need to contact her.

 

 

One day at a time. don't think about tomorrow.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Luke22

[Samuel_22]

Hi Samuel, I posted a detailed account of a similar experience I had but it got deleted, unfortunately. I'll try to summarise.

 

I was dating a guy and he broke up with me. I was devastated. Made the mistake of hooking up with him a few times hoping that it'd lead to reconciliation but he rejected me over and over again. I eventually made the decision to move on and stopped reaching out to him. Well, one day he contacts me out of the blue and proceeds to inform me via sms that he was dating a girl whom he had previously claimed was merely his family friend. He also informed me that "he was taking her very seriously and didn't want to mess things up and so would not be able to hang out with me for this reason ". Needless to say, I was devastated. I had afterall maintained NC for a period of time and hadn't even asked him to hang out in recent times. Why then did he deem it fit to give me this hurtful update?i responded emotionally etc ( played right into it), got upset etc but continued the moving on process.

 

Fast forward to a few months later, turns out he was never dating her seriously. Infact, it was just a fling. I don't think it lasted more than 2 weeks and at the time he contacted me there weren't even anything close to anything remotely serious. So he deliberately contacted me for the purpose of hurting me. Trumped up this exaggerated story about him taking the girl seriously ( when he never did), in order to elicit a reaction from me, as I had not contacted him for a while. He knew the most sensitive part to hit in a bid to trigger jealous and elicit a response. Why? Why toy with my emotions in this manner? Because he was simply a selfish attention seeking, narcissistic, troubled soul. I re-commenced the painful process of moving on etc.

 

Well today, he's back seeking reconciliation and expressing regret for letting me go. He wants another chance and has even asked me to move in with him. I've told him in unequivocal terms that's there is no future for us. He's been very consistent and persistent but to no avail. He's in disbelief, can't believe I'm rejecting him. After all he was the one who used to be in control, inflicting all the rejection on me exerting control. At the time, I felt so pathetic but now i can say I'm truly over him. Believe you me, he most likely hasn't changed and is probably just responding to the fact that I've truly moved on and cos I don't give him a damn about him anymore. His former "puppy dog" is no longer on a leash controlled by him. I bet you. If i gave him another chance, he'd do the same thing over and over again. Right now, his ego cannot accommodate the fact that I've moved on and I'm no longer at his mercy.

 

I hope you can get some inspiration from my story. Basically, this is all temporary. You will move on and you will enjoy happy and blissful days. You might feel consumed and overwhelmed by all this- but this will someday, sooner than later be your past.

 

People of this nature always want to retain control so i wouldn't be surprised if she returned after a period of silence to tug at your strings. Do not give in. It will probably drive her crazy, but that's none of your business. Never look back. She's a horrible person and her actions should reinforce the very resosn why you should do everything within your power to not respond to her tricks due to the detrimental effect it will have on you.

 

Please don't despair, things will get better soon. You've made progress even though you might not believe it. You went 2 months without talking to her, it's not a wasted effort. It means you've managed to suppress or withstand the addictive impulse to contact her. That's an indication of progress. I'm not a NC soldier and I don't advocate it as stringently as some other LSers do as circumstances differ, but in this case, I think it's the best course of action.

 

You need to heal and to regain your composure and confidence and you can only achieve this with NC.

 

Wish you the very best in your recovery and healing process.

This is one of the best posts I have ever read on LS since my membership back to 2 and half months ago. I too believe that the only way I have got here is to stick with strict NC. I want to come clean people, I really do want to tell you what I did.

 

On Sunday I went to church, not only am I not a religious person, I at times mock those who are, I went to church after all these years, I cried and cried and told God, she is my last wish that I want her to come back and love me. I said if you do exist, make it happen, I promised Him that I would never ever ask Him for anything else. On Monday she contacts me, and she vanishes again. God made me realize, I am asking him for something that will harm me, I am asking for something toxic, He too showed me how blind I am.

 

Sure this experience turned into yet another tragedy, and brought with itself a lot of sadness and grief, but God revealed the rest of her cards, it feels like God has whispered the demon's name into my ears... Medusa is what I called her. I was a non-believer who has turned into a strong believer in a matter of two days. All of these things and signs cannot be a coincidence.

 

I have blocked her everywhere I can, I also found an alternate route from the school I teach to avoid any possible contact with her, since her house is close to where I teach. I fear no evil, and I have no wish to live with one. I am just moving on stronger and more determined than the past.

 

Thank you for your great post

[qubist]

Samuel22: I have seen many stories similar to yours, I understand whay she is acting like that we call here breadcrumbing. she doesn't mean to hurt you ( I don't want to sound like I'm defending her) she is just selfish and not considering your feelings at all. you asked why she is doing it, because she wants to make sure that you are still stringed around. she doesn't want to let you go because she is not secure with what she is doing, so she selfishly decides to breadcrumb you to keep you around, she would do just what's enough to achieve that. no with your NC expect she would come more aggressive.

NC is the way to go block her off all your emails phone,social media even block her sister too.

[Samuel_22]

Samuel22: I have seen many stories similar to yours, I understand whay she is acting like that we call here breadcrumbing. she doesn't mean to hurt you ( I don't want to sound like I'm defending her) she is just selfish and not considering your feelings at all. you asked why she is doing it, because she wants to make sure that you are still stringed around. she doesn't want to let you go because she is not secure with what she is doing, so she selfishly decides to breadcrumb you to keep you around, she would do just what's enough to achieve that. no with your NC expect she would come more aggressive.

NC is the way to go block her off all your emails phone,social media even block her sister too.

I don't know if she wanted to hurt me or not, but even the nicest people in the world have their limits, I have blocked her everywhere I can, even her sister and brother, I want to believe it was a message from God to show me how toxic she is, and I want to believe she is evil. This will help me to move on with my life, I have more important things to consider right now, I am 28 and making a life the way I want it is my prime target now, 2 months have passed, being alone for months and years to come won't kill me, and I don't have any plans to get married before 32. It is quite normal in my country at least. I just have to move forward, as soon as I feel I am clicking with someone I like, I would like to get involved in another RS. Has not happened yet, but one day it will. I have the experience to say, people you love always come out of the blue and when you don't expect them. Who knows I might even come on LS with great news tomorrow

Thanks for your reply

[qubist]

I don't know if she wanted to hurt me or not, but even the nicest people in the world have their limits, I have blocked her everywhere I can, even her sister and brother, I want to believe it was a message from God to show me how toxic she is, and I want to believe she is evil. This will help me to move on with my life, I have more important things to consider right now, I am 28 and making a life the way I want it is my prime target now, 2 months have passed, being alone for months and years to come won't kill me, and I don't have any plans to get married before 32. It is quite normal in my country at least. I just have to move forward, as soon as I feel I am clicking with someone I like, I would like to get involved in another RS. Has not happened yet, but one day it will. I have the experience to say, people you love always come out of the blue and when you don't expect them. Who knows I might even come on LS with great news tomorrow

Thanks for your reply

maybe not tomorrow it would be too early, but you should start working on it, you are still young and take what happen as an experience. I don't believe in God so I can't see it a sign from him but you are free to use it as motivation, i know for sure that she missed a chance on an honest guy who really loves her and was willing to sacrifice for her, she will regret loosing you

[bubbaganoosh]

OK you blocked her. Now the real question is what are you going to do if you bump into her somewhere and believe me when you least expect it.

 

Look you learned your lesson and got burned. Join the crowd. I'm a old guy of 68 and have been around the block more time than I care to remember. I've been burned enough times that I could have the nick name "Toast". Guess what? I survived and if I can so could you. You just have to want to. Move on and quit worrying or caring how nasty she is and get your head together and find someone else that isn't as ugly.

 

If that time comes around then do yourself a favor and look at her from the neck up rather than the neck down and listen to what she has to say. In her own way she'll let you know if it's worth being with her but keep your ears open here her out.

[Samuel_22]

OK you blocked her. Now the real question is what are you going to do if you bump into her somewhere and believe me when you least expect it.

 

Look you learned your lesson and got burned. Join the crowd. I'm a old guy of 68 and have been around the block more time than I care to remember. I've been burned enough times that I could have the nick name "Toast". Guess what? I survived and if I can so could you. You just have to want to. Move on and quit worrying or caring how nasty she is and get your head together and find someone else that isn't as ugly.

 

If that time comes around then do yourself a favor and look at her from the neck up rather than the neck down and listen to what she has to say. In her own way she'll let you know if it's worth being with her but keep your ears open here her out.

I think I have outlived this episode of my life, me with her, I don't think it is ever gonna happen, that night when she texted me, I was really hopeful for a reconciliation, I thought something had happened, I couldn't sleep the whole night, I was just thinking alright she is back, now tomorrow you are going to go out with someone who betrayed you, you going to kiss the lips that one day preferred someone else's kisses, you are going to look into the eyes which prefer to see another person, you are going to speak with someone whose tongue abstained from talking to you (back to the time I used to send messages and she used to neglect the) what am I? and am I this miserable to do such a thing? I was determined to say ''NO'' but her not responding, sort of hit my ego once more.

 

Well why should I at all care? I was determined to say no regardless, she is not mine, she has never been. If I didn't know, I could consider going back to her, I wish I did not know what I never knew, just like the first time I met her. It is too late now. Let's say we'll get married, can you imagine waking up next to one who once rejected you, your soul and your heart? Can you kiss her goodbye and trust her that she is not going to mingle with someone else while you are at work, she may love me this time, and she may stay loyal to me, but my heart can't believe that anymore. I can't obliterate my memory. I can forgive, but I can't forget. The only way I can forget too. is to stay away from her forever.

[qubist]

Samuel_22: you think you had it bad but when I see other in similar situations except they had kids involved and/or were married and had to to go trough the struggles of divorce, I think you dodged a bullet.

I can't obliterate my memory. I can forgive, but I can't forget. The only way I can forget too. is to stay away from her forever.

You will never forget, but that doesn't mean you can't get over it. you will always remember this experience. let time take care of the rest, meanwhile you should work on moving on. best way to do it is to go out and do waht you enjoy.

[Samuel_22]

Samuel_22: you think you had it bad but when I see other in similar situations except they had kids involved and/or were married and had to to go trough the struggles of divorce, I think you dodged a bullet.

 

You will never forget, but that doesn't mean you can't get over it. you will always remember this experience. let time take care of the rest, meanwhile you should work on moving on. best way to do it is to go out and do waht you enjoy.

I know there are worse cases than mine, I am happy, the RS did not last long and as you said no children are involved, I am willing to forgive her, now that I have decided move on, I think carrying the grudge will not do me any favor, 2 and half months have passed since BU, and I know this hatred and rage is even more toxic than the RS itself. I am somehow over her, not completely, but there is no way I want her as bad as I wanted her on day 1 of BU, just a little more, and I will be there.

[Samuel_22]

I am starting to come to terms with what has gone by, for the first time in 3 months since break up and her going back to her ex, I am pretty sure I don't want her back. However, I don't call this progress. You'd have to be a first-degree fool to fall for a woman who returns from the dead only to put a gun to your face. I am healing, but I am afraid I am healing in the wrong way. I was supposed to get rid of her and all those painful memories, the reality is I am getting rid of everything, mainly myself. It feels like, I am nothing but a robot, who wakes up in the morning, munches on something to stay alive, and at night when I get back home... well at night...there is nothing but silence...Home, sweet home. Something in the night feels like a door has been opened, an echo of the past, an old monster snapping its eyes open in the depths of my brain. Closing my eyes forces me to look at the darkness inside.

 

There is still a blind spot in my head, a bullet-shaped hole where the answers should be. I sometimes get the urge to dig inside my skull and scrape out the pain. I know, it is pathetic, but there are things in life you cannot choose, like how you feel. Your past has a way of sneaking up on you. You'll hear broken echoes of it everywhere, like a bad replay. You'll get mad at everyone for reminding you about it, even if it's all in your head. I know There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask "why me?" and "what if?". When you look back and see the branches. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you, it would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.

 

I wanted to move on, saw a couple of ladies but at this moment I think by doing so, I will manipulate the story of Sleeping Beauty, I don't want to kiss anyone to wake myself up from a nightmare that has brought me here.

 

I am stranded...The past is a gaping hole. You try to run from it, but the more you run, the deeper, more terrible it grows behind you, its edges yawning at your heels. Your only chance is to turn around and face it. But it's like looking down into the grave of your love, or kissing the mouth of a gun, a bullet trembling in its dark nest, ready to blow your head off. Straight forward? I don't see anything there either. To me, life knows two miseries; getting what you don't want and not getting what you want. So why even bother? I don't even know what I should do, are all these things normal, or I am going insane, I don't know what else to do, where to go, where to hide...I wonder if anyone has ever wondered the same.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Samuel_22

[mightycpa]

OK you blocked her. Now the real question is what are you going to do if you bump into her somewhere and believe me when you least expect it.

I always used to have a couple of plans, to fit the most likely scenarios. What if each of us are alone? What if I'm with a girl? What if she's with a guy? I had a rapid escape plan for every scenario I could think of, predetermined words included.

 

You can't be too prepared.

[ExpatInItaly]

To answer your question in your updated post - the only thing I think you did "wrong" was to get in touch with her again when you knew you shouldn't have. That set back your progress, so you're now struggling to catch up. Having said that, many of us have made the same mistake. You're human.

 

Other than that, I think you need to take your power back. By staying away from her, you are also choosing to live your best life and not allow a bad situation to continue to hurt you. That is powerful. You are moving forward with your life.

 

It will get better. Stay completely, 100% No Contact. No slips, no check-ins. You saw how much breaking no contact hurt you before. Get busy in your own life and foster your friendships, your interests. That's really all you can do and as time passes, you will get over it.

[OldRover]

I am starting to come to terms with what has gone by, for the first time in 3 months since break up and her going back to her ex, I am pretty sure I don't want her back. However, I don't call this progress. You'd have to be a first-degree fool to fall for a woman who returns from the dead only to put a gun to your face. I am healing, but I am afraid I am healing in the wrong way. I was supposed to get rid of her and all those painful memories, the reality is I am getting rid of everything, mainly myself. It feels like, I am nothing but a robot, who wakes up in the morning, munches on something to stay alive, and at night when I get back home... well at night...there is nothing but silence...Home, sweet home. Something in the night feels like a door has been opened, an echo of the past, an old monster snapping its eyes open in the depths of my brain. Closing my eyes forces me to look at the darkness inside.................................

 

Samuel 22,

 

I think folks were way too harsh on you when you broke contact. Sure you probably made a mistake. And that mistake has been made by others and will be made again.

 

Now, here's something to think about... One of the steps in getting the ex back in NC, and often the ex will break is after they realize that the other is over and heading a different direction or may not be available again. Perhaps in the back of your mind you were thinking of that. People DO change and exs DO get back together. Just IF she really wanted you back and was willing to change it would have been nice to know.

 

However, you can also survive without her as you know... it just takes time. And yours was short lived without much complication so it won't be hard. YOU make the choice and YOU can do it.

[angel.eyes]

It takes time, but it will definitely get better. You're not stranded. You're just healing. The timeline for recovery can vary dramatically, but know this: You will recover, and you will find joy and love again.

 

In the meanwhile, be kind to yourself. Find a new hobby or two to fill the temporary void. Spend time with friends who can support you.

 

I am starting to come to terms with what has gone by, for the first time in 3 months since break up and her going back to her ex, I am pretty sure I don't want her back. However, I don't call this progress. You'd have to be a first-degree fool to fall for a woman who returns from the dead only to put a gun to your face. I am healing, but I am afraid I am healing in the wrong way. I was supposed to get rid of her and all those painful memories, the reality is I am getting rid of everything, mainly myself. It feels like, I am nothing but a robot, who wakes up in the morning, munches on something to stay alive, and at night when I get back home... well at night...there is nothing but silence...Home, sweet home. Something in the night feels like a door has been opened, an echo of the past, an old monster snapping its eyes open in the depths of my brain. Closing my eyes forces me to look at the darkness inside.

 

There is still a blind spot in my head, a bullet-shaped hole where the answers should be. I sometimes get the urge to dig inside my skull and scrape out the pain. I know, it is pathetic, but there are things in life you cannot choose, like how you feel. Your past has a way of sneaking up on you. You'll hear broken echoes of it everywhere, like a bad replay. You'll get mad at everyone for reminding you about it, even if it's all in your head. I know There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask "why me?" and "what if?". When you look back and see the branches. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you, it would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.

 

I wanted to move on, saw a couple of ladies but at this moment I think by doing so, I will manipulate the story of Sleeping Beauty, I don't want to kiss anyone to wake myself up from a nightmare that has brought me here.

 

I am stranded...The past is a gaping hole. You try to run from it, but the more you run, the deeper, more terrible it grows behind you, its edges yawning at your heels. Your only chance is to turn around and face it. But it's like looking down into the grave of your love, or kissing the mouth of a gun, a bullet trembling in its dark nest, ready to blow your head off. Straight forward? I don't see anything there either. To me, life knows two miseries; getting what you don't want and not getting what you want. So why even bother? I don't even know what I should do, are all these things normal, or I am going insane, I don't know what else to do, where to go, where to hide...I wonder if anyone has ever wondered the same.

[drseuss]

Hey Samuel, I haven't been on here for a while so I thought ide come on and see who was about , im sorry to see your not feeling good about things at the moment

 

But the advice I want to give you is not really to do with your break up , it's To say i think it's time to really cut back on coming on ls

 

It's been the final thing that's made me loose so much interest in the ex , I think in got to the point where I was on here all the time and forcing myself to stay stuck in depressed break up mode because that all I was reading and writing about

 

I forget I was even with her now and coming back here writing this reminds of how down I felt when we broke up , your ex is dust in the wind now and that's great ! For you and for her

[mightycpa]

I cried and cried and told God, she is my last wish that I want her to come back and love me. I said if you do exist, make it happen, I promised Him that I would never ever ask Him for anything else.

Interesting. I remember thinking

Now I know how God feels. He wants us to love Him, but he won't make us do it, because if He did, it wouldn't be worth anything.

That was that same thought that prevented me from breaking NC or "fighting" for her. I always felt like if it was going to be worth anything, it would have to come from her 100%.

[Samuel_22]

Hey Samuel, I haven't been on here for a while so I thought ide come on and see who was about , im sorry to see your not feeling good about things at the moment

 

But the advice I want to give you is not really to do with your break up , it's To say i think it's time to really cut back on coming on ls

 

It's been the final thing that's made me loose so much interest in the ex , I think in got to the point where I was on here all the time and forcing myself to stay stuck in depressed break up mode because that all I was reading and writing about

 

I forget I was even with her now and coming back here writing this reminds of how down I felt when we broke up , your ex is dust in the wind now and that's great ! For you and for her

Hi drseuss, I am happy that you are doing great, we have been through the same hell, I admit you did better than me, and you are progressing at an astonishing rate now. I deviated from the path, and I am paying for it.

 

It is funny, in a nightmare, every choice you make is a wrong one, one nightmare leads to another. I feel like a mountain climber, who fell down just before reaching the peak. The genius of the hole: no matter how long you spend climbing out, you can still fall back down in an instant. I had tried to run from it, edit it out. I failed, one moment of weakness and I am back to step number 1.

 

But how did I know? She texted me, logic told me she had found out that she had made mistake, she must have regretted her choice, logic was such a liar. It felt like I had a bomb ticking in my head. No amount of painkillers would disable it. That was why I responded to her... logic is such a liar. The things that I want". A smoke. A whiskey. For the sun to shine. I want to sleep to forget.

 

I am afraid. But I start again from the beginning, trace my own steps to the scene of the crime. I hope this time, fate stops mocking me. I hope I can forget it all.

[dumbass2]

"logic told me she had found out that she had made mistake, she must have regretted her choice, logic was such a liar."

 

Logic knows better. That is your heart still in control of your emotions. When your heart AND logic are on the same page, you will make the correct decisions.

[Samuel_22]

"logic told me she had found out that she had made mistake, she must have regretted her choice, logic was such a liar."

 

Logic knows better. That is your heart still in control of your emotions. When your heart AND logic are on the same page, you will make the correct decisions.

I was not in control, no one would have done any better. Take it or leave it was the only choice given. ''Throw the rules out the window'', I said, odds are you'll go that way too. The trouble with wanting something is the fear of not getting it again. The thought makes you weak. I knew as soon as I replied, I felt like I was walking into a trap. I felt guilty, like I was about to get caught, that couldn't help either. I felt the rise of that old familiar feeling. I hated it. I welcomed it. I paid the price.