I need female perspective on a breakup. All input is welcome

[HaventSleptInTwoDays]

right off the bat, im sorry in advance for any spelling errors or seemingly incoherent wordings. im gonna go stream of consciousness here. please bear with me.

 

i am a 23 year old guy, graduated from college, substitute teaching until i can maybe land something full time. she is a 21 year old college student 110 miles away from here. We live in the same town when she is home for summers, etc. i met her through a job 2 summers ago and we hit ti off right away. we dated from late august of 03-january of 05. we were each other most signifigant relationship wed ever had. since the breakup, the depth of our relationship had remained unchanged. (we still slept together, watched movies like couples, just stayed close). But there was less of it. Her reasons for dumping me ranged from incompatability of lifestyles, to her need for space. She recently told me she drunkenly made out with some guy, and that everyone was telling her she probably should do so. She is going to England for the summer, and told me that she wasnt looking to meet any guys for anything more than "hookuppery". Well, i foolishly told her this made me jealous. and i got the megaback lash. she told me "youre not healed, we cant go on in this quasi-dating state. I cant even be your best friend right now, it is too much responsibility. I want to give more than i can. we need to just step way back and be more like normal friends". given the depth of our history, this seems almost impossible to me. In addition she has started talking about this new guy Keith, who she has allegedly made out with a few times. I asked her about him and she laughed off the possibility of dating him, yet refers to him in a very doting manner, and they exchange very "crush-like" messages on each others blogs. I dont even know. the other night i called and asked her if i could meet her for coffee at our place, and we had a long talk. she looked right at me and said, "i do still love you, and i dont think anyone will ever love me again as much you do. i care so much about you. this is all just too much right now. i cannot just call you whenever im bored. it just puts us in a rut. and i cant do it. its too much right now."

 

now, i know there is stuff about me that drives her crazy. and vice versa. but my question, mostly to the women. is, is she trying to replace me with this guy? i know i need to move on, and give her all the space she wants, and not let on im so jealous...but like, does this sound like just a college girl move to cut ties with anything that resembles commitment? she has told me:

 

"i really believe we can work one day again, when im out of school, and youre working and were more compatable again"

 

im hoping you all are reading this, nodding, saying ive been in her shoes and she just wants to cut loose for a while and not feel any sort of ties. shes in college, and i am in the "real world". which sucks. i go to work. i come home. im looking for someone to be with. im in a different place in life. she goes to classes with people all her age, goes to parties, goes to basketball and football games, sleeps til noon...i can understand why i am unappealing to her right now.

 

i dunno. mayve just give me some hope that she is not completely replacing me with this new guy, and that maybe she just needs a little while of fun with someone who is in the same lifestyle as her...

 

anyway, yeah. thanks.

[HaventSleptInTwoDays]

she also was like.

 

"nothing is forever, unless you want it to be."

[HaventSleptInTwoDays]

well everyone, thanks for your help!

[Candy Cane]

Well...Sleepless...I don't know about your theory on her commitment issues. I doubt that's the issue really. And maybe...she does even love you. But...I doubt she will truly give you the love you deserve until you stand up to her. I don't see anything wrong in being jealous...given your situation...nor do I see anything wrong in expressing that jealousy (in a calm way of course). I think your feelings are just fine and SHE is the one who needs an attitude adjustment.

 

Everyone is different, of course, and you should bare in mind that this is just my opinion, but if I were her, I wouldn't respect you either. You let her call all the shots and treat you like poop...and you just take it. No!! You should say, "Look. I want to be in a normal relationship with you. I don't want to be friends. I don't want you to date around. This is what I want and if you can't give it, SEE YA. And don't let her come pouting back trying to get you to change your mind. Seriously...be a man. Get tough. Women respect that. At least I do.

 

Good luck!!

[BigB]

I agree with candy Cane, nothing wrong with being jealous, but don't let it get out of control. To much anger will push her away. But she needs to know you don't like it, stand up for yourself.

 

Hooking up with other guys and telling you about it isn't cool, it's better than cheating on you, but it still isn't cool. How would she feel if you were hooking up with girls and telling her about it?

 

Sit her down and tell her exactly what you want, and if it's not the same thing she wants you probably need to walk away from the relationship for a while.

 

As much as it'll hurt you'll need to distance yourself from her, stop sleeping with her, and stop being "friends" it's just going to make you hurt more and your making it to easy for to have both a boyfriend, and shop around for random guys. Tell her she can't have both and mean it.

 

Give her time to miss you over the summer, and get her head straight. Unfortunately the balls in her court, and she has to decide for herself is she still wants to be with you.

 

How often do you see each other? maybe being alone at college and not having you around it making her lonely?

 

Dating someone semi-long distance like that is hard because you can't always see each other, and dating someone who's still in school while your out working is hard because you live in two different worlds.

 

Good luck man, post back with any questions and updates.

[HaventSleptInTwoDays]

see, i have leveled with her, and she has made it quite clear she doesnt want any part of it right now. i just dunno if its me, or commitment in general. either way, im backing WAY off as hard as it is. I mean we HAVE been broken up for 4 months. But shes quite willingly slept with me, and weve shared beds, watched movies laying together, and been happy. without the stress on her. but now, i guess she feels still tied to me, since i made her feel guilty. and thus realizes, all were doing by staying that close is making it more and more blurred. And now shes pulling out big time. I sit and i know shes 3 minutes away, and probably laying around doing nothing much like me. But is not calling me, because she doesnt wanna be in that rut. She says shell still hang out with me and stuff, but more in the manner that actual friends do. Do i give her this? Do i relent and say fine, ill hang out with you every once and a while and pretend its enough, while you make out with random guys who dont tie you down? Or do i do the thing that feels even worse, and just say "im gone" and really put our whole friendship and relationship in absolute dire straits. I agree with her that we need space to survive. I just wonder if we will be able to be friends, or if it will be too hard. I cant imagine anything harder than saying goodbye to her forever. at least not yet. i think there is still hope.

[BigB]

I think you need to do the hard thing, maybe not call it off completely, but you need to distance yourself.

 

Don't call her, and if she call's keep it short.

 

go on some dates.

 

Don't sleep with her.

 

Don't spend time together as friends.

 

Your making it to easy for her to have both, she needs to choose one or the other, and realize that choosing the other means loosing you.

 

 

read this, it's been posted on this board many times, and it may be helpful.

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you

this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, loving

you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to

you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them

walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

[Candy Cane]

Not so long ago, I was put in a very difficult situation. I won't get into the specifics of the thing...but if I wanted something (something I needed to advance my career) I would have to admit to something I didn't do. It was a very tough situation. I needed this thing but in my heart I knew I couldn't admit to wrongdoing just because someone asked me to. The thing took two years to resolve itself. The matter went as high as it could possibly go...and I won. I won, but I remember during those two years how painful it was. I will never forget that pain or the doubts I had wondering if my life would turn out okay.

 

Sometimes (and I'm getting to the point here) you have to stand up and fight and just let it hurt. Sometimes it's worth fighting for. Sometimes you have to place all your cards on the table, win or lose, and see what happens. Have a little faith in life. If I would have conceded to wrongdoing, granted, I would've had the thing I wanted, but for the rest of my life, I would not have respected myself. You GOTS to respect yourself.

 

You aren't going to play the game her way. If you do, you will certainly lose her.

[Candy Cane]

Great quote, BigB!!

[MissUnderstood]

Slept, don't hate me for pointing this out: You and your ex (or your quasi-ex) are in two very different places right now, and I'm not talking about street addresses. You can't make her feel something she doesn't. You can't make her behave in a way she doesn't want to, regardless of how much sense it might make to you. And you can't do the work of both people in this relationship. (This is something I have learned the hard way, and repeatedly, during 25 years of dating/breaking up/healing/starting all over again.) If you have to reason with/cajole/convince her of anything, and I mean anything, then Something Big is Wrong.

 

You seem like a sensitive soul who has much to give and isn't afraid to do so. Find someone worthy.

 

BTW, major props to BigB for quote-checking "Clerks."