savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I posted something recently about my boyfriend over reacting to things I say. We had a short break a couple months ago because he thought I said I had a problem with his personality and he ended the relationship over it. Fast forward a few days and he admitted he realized he is passive aggressive and oversensitive. He asked me to take him back and I did. We've been together 8 months now and it feels different. We don't have sex as much. It used to be every time we saw each other or so it seemed, now it's been almost 2 weeks and we've had at least 5 opportunities. Here's the part that concerns me. It started to get like this BEFORE we had that break. If it was after I would easily overlook it as still "getting back into it" after the break up. But another thing I've noticed I he goes limp occasionally when we are about to have sex and sometimes right before we do. He says he's tired, upset about work, stressed etc and is always very apologetic when it happens but....why does it happen? I don't remember it happening like this before. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to initiate because I don't want it to go limp and crush my self esteem. However even with him initiating, it still sometimes happen. It's happening more and more. Does anyone think his over reactions to any problem I bring up is linked to him going limp. Could it be he wants out but is afraid to tell me? For what it's worth he plans long term things with me. We are going on a trip out of the country in December and just yesterday he asked me about going to another city a couple hours away with him for a couple days in January. So what could be happening here?
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 YES! talk to him about it. I think he is masturbating to porn too much. Guys will use porn for just a "release" when stressed out. I have been told by some male coworkers that they don't have the energy to satisfy their partner, so they wack off quickly to get it over with. Sorry hun but no one can help but you. YOU need to have a talk with him, and work it out.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 If he's making expensive future plans for trips he doesn't secretly want to break up. You do need to talk. Instead of bombarding him with the baseless conclusions you have reached, ask him how he's feel about the relationship in general & your sex life in particular. It can be hard for men to talk about ED so be very patient & understanding. 2
empresario Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Get your research in order. I have posted a LOT of times about porn induced erectile dysfunction and how I've personally overcome it. I went from severe problems to no problems in about 6 months. Look into it, because that's likely the culprit. Studies show that almost half of males have some sort of sexual dysfunction by early adulthood now. It's a bigger problem than you know.
Author savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Thanks for the responses. I didn't think that it was porn because he isn't a super addicted guy. Most of the time when he takes care of himself it's done in the shower because he's a neat freak and hates making a mess/wants easy clean up. I would guess maybe 15% of the time he does it is out of the shower and watching something. It honestly feels like ED from health issues possibly? He's overweight and has a physical/stressful job working about 50 hours a week as a manager. I could write everything off and not care if it weren't for the fact that 4-8 months ago he didn't have this problem. I have brought it up a couple times in the past and as to why we don't have sex enough he says because we are both so busy that when we get to spend quality time together he just wants to be with me and enjoy my company, he says sex isn't one of the first things on his mind. As for going limp during or before sex, he says what I mentioned above. He has mentioned before being intimidated by me because he feels like a fat guy and is a bit insecure and I am not overweight so he said before it was intimidating to him with his attractive he feels I am.
EricaH329 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I definitely agree with the other posters that this is something that needs to be addressed. Gently, of course. A couple of things came to mind while I was reading your post. The desire for intimacy does tend to decrease the longer you are in a relationship. That could be one of the reasons why it isn't happening as often. As far as why he goes limp - well - there are too many possibilities for that. A good conversation will (hopefully) clear up some of the confusion. Also, once two people break up and get back together again, there tends to be a slight shift in the relationship. It never goes back to being the way it was before. You either work on the relationship and make it become stronger than last time, or it slowly withers away. Him making future plans with you is a good sign. Again, with open and honest communication, the two of you should be able to sort out your insecurities within the relationship.
Author savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I thought making future plans contradicted the thought that he might secretly be wanting out, but I thought maybe he was just making the plans "with" me because he was planning on doing them himself anyways. If he made the plans without me it would be an obvious sign for me that he wanted out. If that makes any sense at all. He's super sweet and does nice things for me all the time. Still pays for meals 8 months in, I can count on one hand the times he has agreed to let me pay for a meal much less open my own car door. I guess with the over sensitivity and over reactions,
EricaH329 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted before I saw your recent post. He has mentioned before being intimidated by me because he feels like a fat guy and is a bit insecure and I am not overweight so he said before it was intimidating to him with his attractive he feels I am. I can understand his insecurity of being overweight, but i'm wondering why now all of a sudden this has become an issue? Whereas before he was able to perform? I think there may be a bit more to it. Just my two cents.
Author savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I thought making future plans contradicted the thought that he might secretly be wanting out, but I thought maybe he was just making the plans "with" me because he was planning on doing them himself anyways. If he made the plans without me it would be an obvious sign for me that he wanted out. If that makes any sense at all. He's super sweet and does nice things for me all the time. Still pays for meals 8 months in, I can count on one hand the times he has agreed to let me pay for a meal much less open my own car door. I guess with the over sensitivity and over reactions, I was doubting how he felt. I will try to talk to him again about it,carefully. The trip in December was pre-planned so when we got back together he asked if I would still go with him. The trip in January is new though. I feel like we are stronger for what happened but I still question things.
empresario Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Thanks for the responses. I didn't think that it was porn because he isn't a super addicted guy. Most of the time when he takes care of himself it's done in the shower because he's a neat freak and hates making a mess/wants easy clean up. I would guess maybe 15% of the time he does it is out of the shower and watching something. It honestly feels like ED from health issues possibly? He's overweight and has a physical/stressful job working about 50 hours a week as a manager. I could write everything off and not care if it weren't for the fact that 4-8 months ago he didn't have this problem. I have brought it up a couple times in the past and as to why we don't have sex enough he says because we are both so busy that when we get to spend quality time together he just wants to be with me and enjoy my company, he says sex isn't one of the first things on his mind. As for going limp during or before sex, he says what I mentioned above. He has mentioned before being intimidated by me because he feels like a fat guy and is a bit insecure and I am not overweight so he said before it was intimidating to him with his attractive he feels I am. Often times it's not addiction to porn, it's early, onset use of porn. If he started using it early in his life, it doesn't matter how frequently he does it as long as it's on occasion. Stress can cause problems...but there is not a soul in America outside of the president that experiences more stress than me on a daily basis, but I manage. It is easier on the weekends when I know I don't have to wake up in the morning. Is there any type of consistency on when it's worse? It could also be a health issue...but unless he's old I doubt it. Anyone younger than 40 should not have health-related ED unless he's an extreme case. Especially since he's so defensive about it, it leads me to believe it's psychological. I doubt he has any problems when you're not around. That doesn't mean it's your fault, either.
Author savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Posted before I saw your recent post. I can understand his insecurity of being overweight, but i'm wondering why now all of a sudden this has become an issue? Whereas before he was able to perform? I think there may be a bit more to it. Just my two cents. After we had sex for the first time he seemingly out of no where said "ok I have to go" and got up to leave. I asked him to please stay multiple times before he did, and he told me he got scared and insecure laying there naked and felt he had to get away. It took him a good month or two to be comfortable with his shirt off around me.
Author savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 He did watch a lot of porn from a somewhat young age so I guess it could be from that. He only occasionally/rarely does now but I guess it could still affect him. But it wasn't like this in the beginning of our relationship, why now? He is almost 34 but not the healthiest guy.
empresario Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 He did watch a lot of porn from a somewhat young age so I guess it could be from that. He only occasionally/rarely does now but I guess it could still affect him. But it wasn't like this in the beginning of our relationship, why now? He is almost 34 but not the healthiest guy. These things can get worse over time. Mine peaked at about 27, where I was having severe problems. Before that I only had issues at the start of a relationship. It's worth having a discussion about. You definitely need to talk about getting him healthier, finding ways to relax, and relieving stress. That will help your relationship regardless. He obviously has low confidence, which won't ever help you in the multiple issues you've posted on these boards. The PIED thing...is also worth bringing up. Especially if he still dabbles.
katiegrl Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) After we had sex for the first time he seemingly out of no where said "ok I have to go" and got up to leave. I asked him to please stay multiple times before he did, and he told me he got scared and insecure laying there naked and felt he had to get away. It took him a good month or two to be comfortable with his shirt off around me. Based on what's written above (particularly what he said about feeling "scared") sounds like he has a fear of intimacy..... and as a result, sex (with someone he feels close with) makes him uncomfortable. Thus why he avoids. It's not you, he needs therapy to overcome this fear. Edited October 21, 2015 by katiegrl
Author savvy2008 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 He says he hasn't looked at porn in a long time and he's very open about things but I don't know what a long time is to him. I do wonder if he had too much of it in the past. We do definitely relax a lot when possible but maybe I can help him somehow stress less. It does sound like he has a fear of being vulnerable. I guess that's something I could talk to him about as well.
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