9 Years | It's Over | Why didn't I?

[makemineamac]

That you are securely attached is good news, I am a bit anxious-attached. You know being anxious does not have to mean that you are anxious attached as you thought. Attachment behaviours most of the time comes forward when we are already stressed or feeling low, stemming from very old insecurities with our caregivers. At these moments we switch to automatic programs that prevented us from danger in the past.

 

It is also clear that your ex could not let you love in and that is a real shame. That you became anxious due to her treatment is only human I think. But it also begs the question why you stayed so long with her? I know you love her but emotional abuse - which is what constant belittling is - does not really plea for the relation you both had. It is important for you to find out what it is that made you stay.

 

There is another book I often recommend, it is not about attachment: 'Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again' By the psychologists Young and Klosko. The book by these two psychologists is far better than the title. It discusses the most common psychological life-traps in detail. It might be a good read for you, as you write that you lack something. On the plus side we all lack something, only most people do not work on it.

Well, reasons I stayed include the following:

 

1. I really loved and cared about her, and recognized she was complex and troubled, and I wanted her to be 'ok' and feel safe. I had a caretaker nature, even though I got nothing back in return. I.wanted her to eventually be happy. (she did not have the same concern for me)

 

2. Again, I always attributed her constant state of dissatisfaction with her job. 6 years of a terrible job, and I always thought her unhappiness in general, and with me, would end.

 

3. She bought me nice things all the time - I recognize that that stopped almost 3 or 4 months ago, when I started to realize she didn't care about me anymore. So, while she would not reciprocate romantic needs, she would do other thoughtful things.

 

4. I don't like to lose. I realize this is the stupidest reason of all, but I have to acknowledge it. Having been through 5 or 6 very serious relationships in my life, this was the only one where someone was confusing me and not discussing issues outright, and I did not understand why. So, I always thought it was somehow me and I had to figure out what I needed to do to fix it. Stupid in retrospect.

 

I am flabbergasted at what I participated in here. I can't believe that this info was out there somewhere if only I had looked.

 

In reading the book, the separate blankets thing that I did for her each night is actually in there!

 

I truly feel like a fool, and the fact that she will never realize how much I did love and care for her makes it even more sad for me.

 

Looking towards the future now.

 

Went to see Steve Jobs last night, first time I had been to a movie in a long time. Small steps.

 

I am grateful for the realizations of this past week though. It's been eye-opening.

 

Thank you all.

[Itspointless]

Well, reasons I stayed include the following:

 

1. I really loved and cared about her, and recognized she was complex and troubled, and I wanted her to be 'ok' and feel safe. I had a caretaker nature, even though I got nothing back in return. I.wanted her to eventually be happy. (she did not have the same concern for me)

 

2. Again, I always attributed her constant state of dissatisfaction with her job. 6 years of a terrible job, and I always thought her unhappiness in general, and with me, would end.

 

3. She bought me nice things all the time - I recognize that that stopped almost 3 or 4 months ago, when I started to realize she didn't care about me anymore. So, while she would not reciprocate romantic needs, she would do other thoughtful things.

 

4. I don't like to lose. I realize this is the stupidest reason of all, but I have to acknowledge it. Having been through 5 or 6 very serious relationships in my life, this was the only one where someone was confusing me and not discussing issues outright, and I did not understand why. So, I always thought it was somehow me and I had to figure out what I needed to do to fix it. Stupid in retrospect.

 

I am flabbergasted at what I participated in here. I can't believe that this info was out there somewhere if only I had looked.

 

In reading the book, the separate blankets thing that I did for her each night is actually in there!

 

I truly feel like a fool, and the fact that she will never realize how much I did love and care for her makes it even more sad for me.

 

Looking towards the future now.

 

Went to see Steve Jobs last night, first time I had been to a movie in a long time. Small steps.

 

I am grateful for the realizations of this past week though. It's been eye-opening.

 

Thank you all.

Well you certainly are not a fool! I have been interested in psychology for years, knew attachment theory but was flabbergasted to find out there was something like adult attachment theory. It somehow is not that mainstream yet, but books like the ones discussed in this thread might hopefully change that.

 

None of the reasons you have written down are stupid. But we cannot deny that we have a lot of believes about ourselves, others and the way things are supposed to be in life. The book I mentioned before goes into this, it is the basis of schema-therapy.

 

It is interesting that you say that your ex expressed her love by buying things for you. In the short time I knew her, my ex was the same. In popular psychology it is also called one of the love languages. As for reason one and two, it could have been like that, but than she had to want to do some work. When life does not press us much we can avoid things for a long time. If the illness of my ex had not come up, we probably still would have been together. The psychologist Shirley Impellizzeri is writing about how she has been dismissive-avoidant herself, but she managed to become more secure. All the things you have written down point to the fact that you are just a human

 

I think you are doing great seeing all these things!

[makemineamac]

Well you certainly are not a fool! I have been interested in psychology for years, knew attachment theory but was flabbergasted to find out there was something like adult attachment theory. It somehow is not that mainstream yet, but books like the ones discussed in this thread might hopefully change that.

 

None of the reasons you have written down are stupid. But we cannot deny that we have a lot of believes about ourselves, others and the way things are supposed to be in life. The book I mentioned before goes into this, it is the basis of schema-therapy.

 

It is interesting that you say that your ex expressed her love by buying things for you. In the short time I knew her, my ex was the same. In popular psychology it is also called one of the love languages. As for reason one and two, it could have been like that, but than she had to want to do some work. When life does not press us much we can avoid things for a long time. If the illness of my ex had not come up, we probably still would have been together. The psychologist Shirley Impellizzeri is writing about how she has been dismissive-avoidant herself, but she managed to become more secure. All the things you have written down point to the fact that you are just a human

 

I think you are doing great seeing all these things!

Well thanks, I have learned a lot.

 

It's just most people would have checked out long ago, or confronted it. Instead she checked out completely and prepared a new life for the inevitable day. She must have known I was going to call it.

 

It was the hurt I felt when she said "You can't come to my gym" She was clearly embarrassed by me, and I'm a healthy good lucking guy. But that was the last straw, I had had enough.

 

Anyway, when I think how far I have come in one week, how much I've learned, and how I am now ok with it, because she will always have these problems, I could be doing worse.

 

Bought a little ebook by Jeb Kinison this weekend to, very similar info to Attached.

 

Also mentioned in the book , and noted by fireflywy, is the fact that there aren't likely that many Secures out there to pick from.

 

One line that got me in there was: Does a Dismissive love their partner? The answer may be "yes", but they don't know it.

 

They also talk abut how MRI's show emotion staking place in their brains but they are completely unaware of this, there's like a firewall.

 

He also mentioned that Avoidants exit relationships more readily and with fewer regrets, and they often feel a sense of relief at leaving their overly-demanding (this is intimacy-seeking) partner, only to take up with another compliant one to start the cycle again.

 

He says that they may stay in a relationship if it fills their needs - maybe in my case for a certain period of time, but that these guys are the ones to leave if someone is struck with illness.

Edited October 26, 2015 by makemineamac
Clarifying

[Itspointless]

Your story did strike a chord with me. Everything with my ex and her illness made me vividly remember how I lost one of my parents to illness when I was an adolescent. When I read your list I could not help but think, that is what no doubt would have happened with us if that illness had not been there. I think you can be very proud of yourself. Perhaps it is that you were fed up with everything after all that time, or your secure attachment, but your responses are therapeutic for me as well. Of-course it still occupies your mind and probably it will for a long time, but the way you now write is good!!

 

Never read the book by Jeb Kinison, but have pointed to his articles several times here on the forum. What you wrote about relieve, I had a very difficult time accepting that. Especially as she knew I forced myself to be vulnerable with her. She said to me that everything had been true, but at that moment to many things happened that she had no control of: control was everything. Just like you I wanted to be there for her, but every kind gesture had the opposite effect. I also had the feeling she did not listen well to me. She did notice though when I had forgot a detail about the many things she told me.

They also talk abut how MRI's show emotion staking place in their brains but they are completely unaware of this, there's like a firewall.

I read research about this, amazing isn't it. It almost makes me envy those people as there have been things in my past, although I would not like to be in her shoes with what she has been through. I just never imagined that the things I admired in her would break us apart. Reading the book Attached was a bitter thing to read after that.

He also mentioned that Avoidants exit relationships more readily and with fewer regrets, and they often feel a sense of relief at leaving their overly-demanding (this is intimacy-seeking) partner, only to take up with another compliant one to start the cycle again.

People who are avoidant can in the beginning incorporate someone in their fantasy without the fears of attachment that made them as such. The Psychologist Stan Tatkin writes about this in a book of his (can point you to it if you want). It answered for me the complete opposite person that I met. I read many people on the internet writing how they never meet such sweet people that made them feel like they never felt before. The trouble begins the moment when they attach and we become too real. At that point we become a danger to them. The trouble for the partner is that they remember how the avoidant partner had been in the beginning, always trying to bring back what never will return. It makes people feel like they are crazy.

[makemineamac]

Your story did strike a chord with me. Everything with my ex and her illness made me vividly remember how I lost one of my parents to illness when I was an adolescent. When I read your list I could not help but think, that is what no doubt would have happened with us if that illness had not been there. I think you can be very proud of yourself. Perhaps it is that you were fed up with everything after all that time, or your secure attachment, but your responses are therapeutic for me as well. Of-course it still occupies your mind and probably it will for a long time, but the way you now write is good!!.

 

Thanks for that and I'm sorry you had to experience such loss in similar ways, it's difficult to process.

 

And that list is really something. I could add even more to it.

 

Today was a tough one. It's her birthday, she's out with people - first birthday we haven't spent together in 9 years. That's a lot to take in today.

 

I drift out of the logic and the fact she just doesn't feel anything about me, but that's clearly the case. It's eerie. I became less and less attractive - as is the nature of the beast - to the point where she identified me as a parent figure who was challenging her actions.

 

Anyway had to pick up and walk and feed the dog today and grabbed some more things from our condo, and will have to do the same tomorrow. She hasn't changed too much, but I've been effectively purged, which is fine, I just think back to 6 weeks ago and everything was still intact.

 

Never read the book by Jeb Kinison, but have pointed to his articles several times here on the forum.

 

I posted on his new forum, basically the same story as I told here, and he responded with a very helpful post.

 

It's here if you want to read it:

 

What Just Happened To Me. Though it's getting better | Jeb Kinnison Forum

 

 

What you wrote about relieve, I had a very difficult time accepting that. Especially as she knew I forced myself to be vulnerable with her. She said to me that everything had been true, but at that moment to many things happened that she had no control of: control was everything. Just like you I wanted to be there for her, but every kind gesture had the opposite effect. I also had the feeling she did not listen well to me. She did notice though when I had forgot a detail about the many things she told me.

 

Of course she noticed when you forgot something, stuff registered clearly. But nothing is ever good enough. Imagine how much my ex would have detested after 9 years! Nobody hangs out that long. But I did!

 

I read research about this, amazing isn't it. It almost makes me envy those people as there have been things in my past, although I would not like to be in her shoes with what she has been through. I just never imagined that the things I admired in her would break us apart. Reading the book Attached was a bitter thing to read after that.

 

I know, I finished the book last night and they are pretty clear in saying that you get what you get with these people. They have no capacity to feel after the best before date. And from the time the clock starts ticking on a new love - it's clicking down to that date where you will be too close and must be disposed of in a very hurtful way. With no, "thanks for looking after me all these years", or anything.

 

People who are avoidant can in the beginning incorporate someone in their fantasy without the fears of attachment that made them as such. The Psychologist Stan Tatkin writes about this in a book of his (can point you to it if you want).

 

Would love to read this.

 

It answered for me the complete opposite person that I met. I read many people on the internet writing how they never meet such sweet people that made them feel like they never felt before. The trouble begins the moment when they attach and we become too real. At that point we become a danger to them. The trouble for the partner is that they remember how the avoidant partner had been in the beginning, always trying to bring back what never will return. It makes people feel like they are crazy

 

Thanks again for all the discussion and help.

 

.

[makemineamac]

I did find an article called, “I Want You in the House, Just Not in My Room... Unless I Ask You”, was that it? This is just fascinating to me. And it explains how whenever I approached for intimacy or anything I was interrupting her auto regulation. Wow.

 

http://stantatkin.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/I-want-you-in-the-house.pdf

[Itspointless]

Thanks for that and I'm sorry you had to experience such loss in similar ways, it's difficult to process.

Change seems to be the only constant in life. It is not something I am particularly good at. It is a theme I constantly need to work on.

 

I am sorry you were hurting yesterday, I can imagine it must have been a really tough day for you.

I drift out of the logic and the fact she just doesn't feel anything about me, but that's clearly the case. It's eerie. I became less and less attractive - as is the nature of the beast - to the point where she identified me as a parent figure who was challenging her actions.

We don’t know if she did not love you, you wrote to Jeb Kinnison that she bought you cloths monthly, it seems that it was her way of showing love (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages). My guess is that the demise also is because she fell in love with someone else. Her distancing for years was part of the attachmentstyle, her falling in love and deleting the relationship status is something else.

Of course she noticed when you forgot something, stuff registered clearly. But nothing is ever good enough. Imagine how much my ex would have detested after 9 years! Nobody hangs out that long. But I did!

Thank you for your comment! Perhaps it is good news for you that I have read stories of people who learned after more than 18 years that the dismissive behavior was not their fault.

I know, I finished the book last night and they are pretty clear in saying that you get what you get with these people. They have no capacity to feel after the best before date. And from the time the clock starts ticking on a new love - it's clicking down to that date where you will be too close and must be disposed of in a very hurtful way.

We have to remember that we are talking about a spectrum, so these traits are with some very minor or only very minor in certain situations. With our exes these problems were more dominantly present due to trauma early on in life.

Would love to read this.

It is in the book Love and War in Intimate Relationships, Marion Solomon, Stan Tatkin. You can find it on Google Books page 93 below and 94. The text you found is also interesting. More texts are also on that page, not all about avoidant attachment: Stan's Articles - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi, what a tough time to go through.

 

You are doing some great learning though. Your next long-term relationship will probably be amazing.

 

Also, you'll be able to tell earlier on what baggage someone might be carrying around.

 

I know you aren't there yet, but sometimes these things come quicker than you might think.

[makemineamac]

I hadn't thought of the clothes thing being one of her ways to show she loved or cared. She did that right from the time i met her. Until a couple of months ago as I had mentioned. When I was moving things out the other day, there is a cabinet she keeps gifts in and iI had pit some things in there a few years ago. Interesting to note that there are new clothes for some guy in there, including underwear, so she must be continuing this elsewhere.

 

And, I suppose that may have been the reason for the end, the opportunity to get out when I offered it, she had met someone and was ready to go.

 

I cannot imagine I could have gone much longer with things in the state they were in. And considering her needs, though she was comfortable - as in I was not intruding into her space and she would be able to auto-regulate and feel safe, she may have been able to go on longer.

 

And yes, our exes are of the extreme variety for certain, I guess some have better functionality than the ones we were with.

 

Once again, thank you for all the feedback and discussion. I really have learned a lot here from you and others, and I'm able to get through the days at least knowing in some way that even though I loved her, true reciprocity would never have been real or easy, now or in the future.

 

I think as Jeb had said on the other page, there's no ambiguity - it is what it is, and she is what she is - there's nothing I really could have done differently, except paid more attention, or addressed the issues directly, which we know she would not likely have been able to resolve.

 

So thankful for everyones help in getting to where I am today. Thank you!

 

I haven't been able to find Love and War in Intimate Relationships, but I will take a look.

Edited October 28, 2015 by makemineamac
Clarifying

[makemineamac]

Hi, what a tough time to go through.

 

You are doing some great learning though. Your next long-term relationship will probably be amazing.

 

I hope so, I really intend for it to be. I think it will be awhile before I am ready, but I can see it happening if I'm cautious and am willing to ask questions and get answers.

 

Also, you'll be able to tell earlier on what baggage someone might be carrying around.

 

Again, I hope I will.

 

I think sometimes we're all too eager and ignore signs, signs that were really quite blatant to me at the time. Instead we push ahead.

 

I noted that this 'connection' we had didn't seem 'real' or truly 'genuine', it felt really different from what I consider to be the 'real' thing, you know when you kiss someone and you get butterflies and all of that? I never felt that here.

 

So there were none of those 'feelings' you get when you're with someone, and I'm a 'love' guy. I 'feel' everything, and I knew there was something wrong here, but I went with it anyway. (I should mention I am also eternally optimistic, as well as being a semi-professional procrastinator.)

 

She moved to my side of the country after we had only been together a few times. Just picked up, sold her house and came out. She thought I was that great. (I am)

 

So I think she is constantly trying to fill a void in her life that cannot be filled. Love and acceptance are not things she has experienced or can understand.

 

 

I know you aren't there yet, but sometimes these things come quicker than you might think.

 

Thanks, the learning part of this has helped me a great deal. There's been lots of feedback and valuable input here that has encouraged me to look deeper and discover some of the things that contributed to the downfall of me and this relationship that really was doomed from the beginning - at least from being a successful relationship with lots of love and sharing. That never would have happened.

 

I guess things really turned once I better understood her issues and problems, which had been in front of me all the time, and contributed to those feelings I had of it not being real love at the beginning.

 

Learning about all of that has informed me on a level that I think most people would hope for at the end of a relationship. It's closure of some type in that it explains much of what I have been living with these 9 years.

 

Add her Avoidant issues, to poor body image, an eating disorder and no love of herself, and it's a sad realization for me, that her life will likely continue to cycle through these people, and there will be no point at which she can just 'be', and be confident in who she is, because she's fine. I can't imagine how tough it is to wake up and feel the way she does everyday. It's sad.

 

And me, I'm still a little sad today, but I am getting ever closer to getting my own place on Sunday, being able to have our dog Bette 3 days a week, and not having to go into my old place and find things I don't want to find or know about. That will be better. Much better.

 

It's been a week since I've seen her now, and we only discuss the dog via text, so I don't have to hear her voice, so that's good. She'll only be 2 blocks away but I am going to do my best not to run into her.

 

The only thing I could have wished for was some sort of recognition from her that I really did try, for her, and us to make whatever we had work, but that will never happen.

 

When I first proposed the breakup and we discussed it, she did say that is was all her issues that caused this, but i don't she has any idea - or maybe she does of the depth of the problems she may have 'connecting'. So there's that.

 

As I've said, when I do see her now, her eyes are cold and distant - there is no connection at all now.

 

Here's to the future and thanks again to everyone who has listened to me. I really am grateful.

[Itspointless]

I hadn't thought of the clothes thing being one of her ways to show she loved or cared. She did that right from the time i met her. Until a couple of months ago as I had mentioned. When I was moving things out the other day, there is a cabinet she keeps gifts in and iI had pit some things in there a few years ago. Interesting to note that there are new clothes for some guy in there, including underwear, so she must be continuing this elsewhere.

That must have been tough.

 

The book by Stan Tatkin is a good one, it is written for relationship therapists.

 

Thank you too for helping me a step further again! You know where to find us whenever you like, for now I wish you all the best.

 

IP.

[makemineamac]

It was tough finding those things, really, and the condoms, to provide intimacy with someone else, when it was everything I wanted and needed and it had been withheld for so long.

 

Anyway, just want to say thank you once again, and I will find that book and read it if you think it's that valuable.

 

I'm glad things are still improving for you, and I hope we both get to a good place at some point with what we've experienced and been through.

 

Life could be worse, we are learning as we go. Lots to be thankful for.

Edited October 28, 2015 by makemineamac
Spelling

[Itspointless]

We will!

 

As for that book, I always want to know everything about topics that amaze me. It is not a necessary read, it is for relationship counsellors

[Downtown]

Mac, if you want to read something that is more mainstream (i.e., is recognized as a disorder in the APA's diagnostic manual DSM-5), I suggest you read about SPD (Schizoid Personality Disorder) and AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder). Of those two disorders, AvPD is regarded as being less introverted and less pathological than Schizoid because the avoidant desperately wants to be around people but is terrified of rejection so she secretes herself away.

 

If you're interested in learning the red flags for SPD, I suggest you read about a subset of schizoids called secret schizoids. These people also are referred to as covert schizoids. Although they really do not enjoy being around people, they put on a good show and appear to get along fine with others.

 

AvPD, on the other hand, likely is the closest mainstream term for what Fireflywy and ItsPointless seem to be discussing above. I suggest you take a look at the seven AvPD defining traits used by the American Psychiatric Association in DSM-5.

 

Finally, I caution that only a professional can diagnose your W, i.e., determine whether your she exhibits a full-blown personality disorder. Simply spotting the warning signs, however, should not be difficult after having lived with the woman for nine years. Take care, Mac.

[makemineamac]

Thanks so much Downtown, this will be even more great learning for me.

 

When I said I have a lot of work to do on that other thread, I also was referring to the article you referenced on Do you love to be needed or need to be loved? It was incredibly eye-opening for me as I try and process why I stayed where I was for so long.

 

As soon as I started reading it I knew it was speaking to me. Loudly.

 

I'm seeing a Psychologist, who I had worked with 10 years ago when a previous relationship fell apart, and she is helping work through some of these discoveries. That relationship ended for many of the same reasons, although this most recent partner had a lot more issues than I could ever 'fix' so there was no way it was going to work.

 

I realized in-session yesterday that I consistently and intentionallty ignore warning messages as I am the people-pleasing type. I always look to distract myself from a problem instead of discussing it with my SO or employees. This is the way I have always been. And I saw it yesterday for the first time. It explains why many of my relationships have ended the way they did.

 

She recommended a book called Crucial Conversations that I'm reading now, that can help inch me towards properly recognizing and addressing issues when they arise.

 

Anyway, I am learning so much and greatly appreciate you taking the time to write a response here and provide some recommended reading.

 

I will read up and respond back here. Thank You!

[Itspointless]

If you're interested in learning the red flags for SPD, I suggest you read about a subset of schizoids called secret schizoids. These people also are referred to as covert schizoids. Although they really do not enjoy being around people, they put on a good show and appear to get along fine with others.

 

AvPD, on the other hand, likely is the closest mainstream term for what Fireflywy and ItsPointless seem to be discussing above. I suggest you take a look at the seven AvPD defining traits used by the American Psychiatric Association in DSM-5.

Thank you for your addition Downtown. And makemineamac it is great to read about your progress!

 

A lot of people mix AvPD up with dismissive avoidant attachment. It is not the same, but might indeed be worth it to also read about.

[makemineamac]

Thanks Itspointless, (I hope you're doing well!) I'm certainly making progress. Still find myself thinking of her of course, still worried about her, and everything that has gone down.

 

I have to see her a couple of times a week and it's sad sometimes, but when I step back I'm in such a healthier place now, I really am. It doesn't minimize my sympathy for her however.

 

I discussed whether I should share the book Attached with her with my Dr. the other day and she thought it might be a good idea. My Ex is quite a reader, and she said I could just say that I found this book helpful to figure out some of my things, you might find it useful too, or not.

 

I just can't imagine her reading through all of those descriptions and finally getting to the Dismissive Avoidant description.

 

I think if it was me I might be horrified to read all these traits that essentially are a sum of who I am, you know what I mean? It could be quite bad for her.

 

As we have discussed and know, to 'fix' these issues will require a huge commitment, and in some cases it might not even be possible.

 

That's a pretty devastating diagnosis to get in a book with no-one to discuss it with. And as you have said, the book really tarnishes this type, and I don't know if she really needs that kind of negative reinforcement right now. So in essence, I am undecided in whether to share it or not.

 

The therapy is so helpful - to me at least - she's great at highlighting the stuff I'd rather ignore. I'm telling her how I do the Happy Dance occasionally in my new place as I love the peace I have, but she says I need to take this time to address my issues instead of getting distracted by, well, anything else.

 

 

Once again thanks to you and everyone for all the help.

Edited November 19, 2015 by makemineamac

[Itspointless]

I discussed whether I should share the book Attached with her with my Dr. the other day and she thought it might be a good idea. My Ex is quite a reader, and she said I could just say that I found this book helpful to figure out some of my things, you might find it useful too, or not.

 

I just can't imagine her reading through all of those descriptions and finally getting to the Dismissive Avoidant description.

 

I think if it was me I might be horrified to read all these traits that essentially are a sum of who I am, you know what I mean? It could be quite bad for her.

I am doing good thank you. It is uplifting to read about your progress!

 

It might be a good idea, I have read a story in 2013 where people eventually got together again because of it. I do not remember if it was the book Attached that was shared there, but it opened the eyes of the partner and made him go to therapy. Personally I would recommended you to show her the book by Shirley Impellizzeri. Parts of that book like the part on avoidant attachment can be read on google books. The part on avoidant attachment starts on page 28, also other useful bits like on emotion regulation can be previewed there. Reading the attachment styles also gives room to point to your style and showing her that during the relation you adapted some anxious strategies. Just avoid putting blame, than she surely wont read it.

[ByMyself01]

I feel bad for you. Your situation reminds me of my last break-up so since I believe I should leave him alone now being that I see now that the distance only gets worse over time. Thanks for sharing your story. What your ex did to you is what he did to me except he still consistently had sex with me. And when i would detach, he would draw closer to detach again to keep me in the wings. SMH.

Edited November 19, 2015 by ByMyself01

[makemineamac]

Ok, I will look into that book. As I've said, and you clearly concur, it's critical how I present it, because I'm in there too! Heck, we're all in there in some way!

 

I just can't help but think what I would feel like if I read that description. It's a very cold description, and she is very cold. Would you be happy to know the reasons for the way you are? I don't know.

 

Anyway, will think about it for a few more days.

 

Glad you're doing well, that is great to hear.

 

This has been quite the journey thus far and I really feel - even at my age - that I will be better because of this. My next relationship partner is certainly going to benefit from the work I'm putting into this for sure. As will I. And I'll be much happier too, and able to discern far more intelligently whether someone has the appropriate character, values and so on to be in a relationship with this great guy! Lol.

 

Thanks again.

[makemineamac]

Thanks for responding ByMyself01.

 

I've read you story. How are you doing now? I'm curious.

 

The end for you was really bad.