makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Me, I’m a positive 49 year old that can always see the good in any situation, and as my Psychologist said on Friday, I’m (clearly) too tolerant in relationships. Our relationship lasted 9 years, but she has been shutting down to me for the last couple of years, no sex unless I really insisted, and she would only do it out of a sense of duty. Why? Clearly she wasn’t ‘feeling it’ for a number of reasons. She had a job in HR that involved firing lots of people for years at a time, and a terrible commute. She was so sad all the time and there was nothing I could do to cheer her up, so she just kept retreating into herself and I was waiting for her to find happiness again, hopefully with a new job. But we went through the daily routine, and I would have dinner ready when she came home most days, I treated her well, but there was no intimacy, she wouldn’t talk to me at all about her problems. If I was going to kiss her in the last couple of years she would turn away. Very humiliating I have to tell you, totally starved for affection, and I was waiting for the payoff and for her to feel better. So, I’m having a tough time, this relationship of 9 years, with a girl who has lots of issues has ended. I was the one that asked whether we needed to end it 4 weeks ago, and we both agreed that we should. I said at the time, that for now things will stay the same between us and we will need to revisit and discuss further. She took that to mean that she could now pursue other people - when that’s not at all what I intended - especially while we were living together still. In any case she went out a night two weeks ago with new friends from her Crossfit gym I know nothing about on a week night - and she has a brand new big job - and came home late. Again, we are still sleeping in the same bed at this point. (She’s never gone out on a weeknight before ever to drink) The following Wednesday I got a text message at work from her saying she was going to go out with these friends again and would not be coming home. I was like, ok. As it happened, she went to the gym that day after work and came home before she was going to go out, and I said I could not believe she was going to be out all night with people I know nothing about, so I asked who these people were. (When I hear her talking to these people on the phone when she’s cancelling, it’s this upbeat happy person I hadn’t seen in years. It really shocked me.) She said do you really want to know, and if so it was was guys and girls, and I said who are you staying with, and she said a ‘person’. She said there was one of these people that ‘something may happen with’ at some point. She says her interpretation of our first conversation about breaking up was justification for doing whoever she wanted. And that we were clearly in different places. I said that was not the same conversation I was taking part in. She also said nothing had happened up to this point. She told me she didn’t want to have to come home and ’sit’ in the current situation. She also didn’t want to feel like she was answering to her parents. I’m like, your parents? I’m the guy who has loved and continues to love you, I’m not your parents. Strange. I said, you know, while we are still under the same roof here, I would appreciate it if we could be loyal to each other, that would mean a great deal to me and would help me get through this next little bit. She said she couldn’t commit to that. In any case she cancelled with them that night as she saw how upset I was, but she told me it would come up again. Fast forward to Canadian Thanksgiving, we made dinner at home together on the Sunday, cried about the whole situation. On the holiday Monday, at 6 am in the morning.she tells me she is going out again for the night, and she has to bring it up. I tell her I have to go for a walk, I walk for an hour and a half in the rain, then go to my office and talk to friends all day about whether this is fair what she is doing, most think it’s not. I come back home and tell her I am not ok with this, and if she is going to do this I have to move out now. She says she can’t commit to being loyal as it might be months before one of us finds a place. I said there’s no way it will take that long. Anyway, she says she is going to do it anyway, so on Tuesday I left with a suitcase and stayed in a hotel for a few nights, and am now in an airbnb until I take possession of my new apartment on the first. (Didn’t take long to find a place after all.) Again, during this discussion she says she doesn’t want to feel like she is answering to her parents, and these people likely think she’s crazy as she keeps cancelling, I say, more importantly, what about me? Shouldn’t you be more worried about me and what this is doing to me? The guy who has been, and is still here for you, what about me? Nothing. So she did go out all night on Thursday night, I had to pick our dog up at her overnight daycare on Friday. I have just never seen her do high risk stuff like this before. When I came home to grab a towel to take to my temporary apartment on Friday, I noticed 2 prescriptions for the pill dated on Thanksgiving no less. Not sure if she wanted me to find them or not. (We had stopped using the pill years ago due to to health concerns. I guess I don't understand no interest in sex with me, but she's clearly interested in sex with someone else. I had to meet with her today to discuss finances, and get the majority of my possessions moved out apart from furniture. So I got that all done, and was going through things financially and she says to stop being short with her, and she understands I’m angry, I say I’m not angry, I’m sad. So sad. I don’t even know this person. When I say she has issues, as a child her parents would kind of abandon her in the summer so they could go on trips - leaving her to fend for herself for a couple of months at a time when she was 13-14. So she has a bad relationship with her mother - who chose her career as a superintendent - over raising her kids properly. So I think she has some abandonment issues maybe. She also has body image issues, her mother always called her chubby - nice, right? And she’s a tiny little thing who sometimes gets a little thick in the middle, not a lot, but something she has always struggled with, I found a receipt the other day that showed that she’s been getting filler done as well. And she doesn’t tell or share anything with me regarding any of these things. She also doesn’t associate any emotion with greeting cards or any of those things, she just throws them out. And she would never cry at a sad movie, She has cried through some of this. And I saw all these issues early in our relationship and should have ran, but I thought things would resolve. And I need to own the fact that I clearly did not do enough here to make her happy, or communicate effectively enough on my needs for intimacy. Anyway, the ongoing problem here is that we have this dog we got together, and will have to share responsibility of looking after her, so I am going to have to continue to interact with her. I am just so distressed trying to figure things out. It has just thrown everything I thought I knew about this woman into the garbage. I have had to pick the dog up at our place this morning twice this week as she comes to work with me 3 days a week. She doesn’t look at me or anything when I pick her up. She’s taken down all remnants of us in our home, and I am just struggling to deal with it all, and process it. I guess, why do I still care about her? Why I can’t I just be glad I am rid of this person that treated me poorly over years? It’s like she took any masculinity I had and took it away. What a ramble, my apologies….
GorillaTheater Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 You're sad now, but the anger phase is inevitable, and I think it'll be healthy for you. Right now you're blaming yourself when the reality appears to be that she was a fairly lousy partner and an absolute nightmare once you broke up. Onwards and upwards. You'll detox for a while and get your head on straight again; the only question is how long that will take. It'll be a lot longer if you keep up this arrangement with the dog. You may well choose not to cut the dog out of your life, and I understand that, just realize that the contact with your ex is going to slow your healing way down.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Thanks so much for the feedback. Once I'm in my new place, I will be able to have the dog for 3 days a week without seeing my ex. I will be picking her up from her daycare on Monday nights, and will drop her off at daycare on Friday mornings. So I basically have to do this 4 more times and I won't have to see her again. And I realize, I may not be able to keep seeing the dog, much as I lover her, when I'm healthy enough for a new relationship, not sure what kind of a message that would send to a potential partner. Can only deal with the here and now, and having her with me today at work makes me feel a little better.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Yes, I'm seeing a psychologist who mentioned some of the very things you did. And I did settle, and I hoped it was the job, and that things would get better, but the signs were there years ago, that she was somehow emotionally damaged. I should have recognized it and ran for the hills. And yes, I realize I may need to let the dog go.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 She's just explaining that my expectations are too low and my tolerance for lack of any of the things that were missing in this or any relationship is too high. She told me I should have nothing to do with this person anymore.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 And are you following her suggestions? Well I may go no contact once I am into my new place, if I don't start to do better here. I thought I was doing better than I am, even though she was never emotional, the lack of any sort of empathy is surprising to me. And it will be a long time before I am ready for any sort of relationship, but I have got to stop being a people pleaser, and be ready to ask for my needs to be fulfilled. I have a lot to learn. I should have mentioned she's 38 this coming Monday. 1
kgcolonel Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Well I may go no contact once I am into my new place, if I don't start to do better here. I thought I was doing better than I am, even though she was never emotional, the lack of any sort of empathy is surprising to me. And it will be a long time before I am ready for any sort of relationship, but I have got to stop being a people pleaser, and be ready to ask for my needs to be fulfilled. I have a lot to learn. I should have mentioned she's 38 this coming Monday. You definitely need to go NC. Focus on yourself and continue to seek IC.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Pretty sure I will. Have to get furniture and some essentials - dishes and so on moved out on the 1st and then will not have to deal with her. And I appreciate the directness. This is tough for me.
Chi townD Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 You need to get away from her. She is WAY TOO TOXIC. And; yes, unfortunately, you may need to give up the dog. You need to do this for your own sanity. If you have no choice to be in the same place with her for the next couple of weeks, then I would strongly recommend doing the "180 in a relationship" be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Now, some people will do the 180 to try and get there wives/husbands/girlfriend or boyfriends back. BUT! some do the 180 to help them distance themselves from the relationship. To make being around them more bearable until you get to the position that you can move out and start a true NC on her. Hang in there dude. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming!!
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Thanks, I am not contacting her in any way or discussing anything with her. We have gone back and forth on budgeting issues via email this week, but everything else is quiet. It's just so odd picking up the dog from her in the morning, and it's like she doesn't even see me. I am picking the dog up from our place Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, until I get my own place on the 1st. Then, if I choose to, I can pick up the dog at daycare and have her for 3 days and not see the ex at all.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 You aren't planning to acknowledge her birthday, are you? I do have gifts that were purchased months ago. I know I shouldn't reward her for the way she has treated me, but I'm undecided as to what to do with them. Understand, I am not remotely interested in reconciling, I am just going through the motions of the loss here.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Thought this would be therapeutic. 48 entries so far. Was a bad relationship. Really. Why would I want? Someone who changes our relationship status on Facebook without telling me. (She hid it, didn't change it) Someone who isn't grateful for me making her dinner. Someone who is so sad all the time. Someone who would never want to cuddle or just be held. Someone who won't even kiss me. Someone who isn't interested in whether or not I would like something or not and only cares about themselves. Someone with a borderline eating disorder. Someone who isn't accepting of who they are. Someone who doesn't share things she's doing like Juviderm with me. Someone who won't try and appreciate or care about the things I care about. Someone who is apparently embarrassed or ashamed by me. Someone who never shows affection in public. Someone who doesn't even wash the dishes for our pets. Someone who would choose to hurt me over doing what she wants. (Saying she's doing the overnight whether I care or not.) Someone who takes big risks without thinking about consequences. Someone I don't even know it seems. Someone who has never felt like a real partner. Someone who wouldn't let me do things. Someone who would never just stop and say Thank You, for anything. Someone who demeans me and makes me feel small. Someone who can't feel sad and cry when they want. Someone who doesn't like Christmas.(I love Christmas) Someone who never says I love you for no reason. Someone who never says thank you, or I appreciate it. Someone who never misses me when I am away. Someone who won't let me 'in'. Someone who doesn't tell me what they are thinking. Someone who withholds love, sex and intimacy from me. Someone who has confidence issues. Someone who has body image issues. Someone who doesn't support me. Someone who doesn't understand what love is. Someone who no longer cares about me. Someone who doesn't clean up after themselves. Someone who doesn't encourage me. Someone who doesn't celebrate my accomplishments. Someone who isn't grateful for me. Someone who doesn't care about the cards and sentiments people give her. Someone who is oblivious to my wants and needs. Someone who doesn't think of care about impacts to me or others. Someone who seems totally uninterested in my future without her. Someone who won't allow me to take their picture.(She's shy like that, but wasn't when we first got together.) Someone who doesn't want to be in a picture with me. Someone who's too shy to get on FaceTime with my family and I. Someone who can't feel. Someone who barely acknowledges me when I pick my dog up now. Someone who turns away from me when I try to kiss them. Someone who doesn't love me unconditionally. Someone who never tells me I look nice. 2
Chi townD Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Good! Every time you feel down and sad, come back here and read what you wrote. That should be motivation enough to know that you deserve better. Just by reading that, I KNOW you deserve better. So, use it! 2
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Good! Every time you feel down and sad, come back here and read what you wrote. That should be motivation enough to know that you deserve better. Just by reading that, I KNOW you deserve better. So, use it! Thank you. I appreciate that, and know that. It's hard to recognize that you were in such a bad place for such a long time. That was the reasoning for the list, and I think it speaks volumes.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Donate the gifts. There will be much more pleasure in giving them to someone who will appreciate them. Perhaps a women's shelter? Instead of pointing out to yourself the things that hurt you - start making a list about things YOU will DO to change things FOR YOURSELF. Take the focus off of her. Place that energy/focus on yourself and what you CAN change about yourself! I know I should do something like that. It's just that I have to deal with her for the next 11 days, I just wish I could fast forward to the end of it you know. And you are correct, I need to focus on the things I need to change, I think I will have some better clarity around it all once I am into my own space where I can start to heal and fix some of the foundational problems I clearly have with getting needs met and communicating those needs effectively to a partner. I just wish someone could understand that this person just would not communicate on any level with me. And I know that's not OK, but it wasn't from lack of trying on my part, she just would not share, or get vulnerable. Arghhh!
lil hoodlum Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I once had a relationship similar to yours many, many years ago. I couldn't see it at the time how disfunctal it was. I was like you, I kept hanging onto something that didn't exist anymore in the relationship. I was stuck into a pattern of "waiting" for things to get better as my partner promised me that they would. Things never did get any better. The whole experience was a real eye-opener to me, why would I allow and accept such treatment from someone? It sounds as if your SO has been checked out of the relationship for quite some time. You can add another item to your list, Someone who wouldn't communicate with you their unhappiness about the relationship and just keep stringing you along until something better came along. 2
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I once had a relationship similar to yours many, many years ago. I couldn't see it at the time how disfunctal it was. I was like you, I kept hanging onto something that didn't exist anymore in the relationship. I was stuck into a pattern of "waiting" for things to get better as my partner promised me that they would. Things never did get any better. The whole experience was a real eye-opener to me, why would I allow and accept such treatment from someone? It sounds as if your SO has been checked out of the relationship for quite some time. You can add another item to your list, Someone who wouldn't communicate with you their unhappiness about the relationship and just keep stringing you along until something better came along. Yes, thank you for pointing that out. And yes, I think she did check out a long time ago, just recognizing it more now. Appreciate your input, thank you. Getting some great insight here today and it's starting to get me a little upset. Not quite sure what to do, I thought I was doing ok but after reading all of this input I'm a little unsure what to do.I'm feeling sick, which I wasn't before.
lolablue17 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Man, You should gather youself, stand up and stop feeling pity for yourself. According to what you've written here, you wife is better than you with facing reality. She agrees with you 48 list, and she also has a long list of her own. But you didn't have the courage or drive to end what must have been ended long ago. She had to end it. So you should thank and appreciate her, because she made a big favor for you. Yes, it's sad to admit and to announce a failure, it's bitter and gray. But it's also a good thing, a new future is waiting for you for the rest of your life. You got a great opportunity. Take it with joy and a smile. Don't miss all the good stuff only because you're too busy being in misery.
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Thanks and what you say is true. It was I that suggested we break up. Not her. Just seems like she was mentally preparing for it far longer than I thought. I do appreciate the blunt feedback though.
kgcolonel Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 A few notes here....women typically, once they call it a day on the relationship have emotionally ended it much earlier whereas men only begin to process the end once the breakup becomes final.....men will struggle with this post breakup longer than the woman after the BU. Women struggle with this likely just as long but before calling it a day. Also, just for your own dignity, don't: Let her see you sad....this makes you unattractive to her and everyone else. Ask questions as to the why's and when's and "for how long's" it is what it is. Ask her about the who's or any details If she offers any of the details, tell her that you're moving forward and it really is history that you can't affect and prefer not to focus on it. Converse only on level 1....Hi, hope you are doing well, I am fine thank you, Love my new place etc.....nothing more personal than that during the shared custody of the pet and asset exchanges. Be upbeat even if it kills you, this will help you retain your self esteem and cause you to begin healing. Focus on your NEXT Adventure. BE STRONG!! 2
Author makemineamac Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 This is what I needed to hear. Thank You. After getting all this feedback today, I've realized I have to come up with a plan to protect me. Tonight I am going to tell her that I'm not going to be around and that we will have to have the dog in daycare tomorrow and the days I'm at work next week. Once I'm in my own place I can decide if I want to have her for the 3 days a week or not. I've also decided that I am going to start fresh with furniture and everything else. She wanted me to take our bed and table but I just don't want to back there and it will complicate the move. Now I will have the space I need to continue to heal and get stronger. (And I was until I was seeing her every day). And I had heard that women check out long before but I kind of thought she hadn't I have stopped following her on Twitter and Facebook and really just need to remove myself from this situation in a confident way as you've indicated. She saw me yesterday afternoon and I'm sure she saw how fragile I looked. Not helpful or attractive as you said. Guess I'll send her an email to update her on my plan. Sucks I'm only going to be 2 blocks away for the next 6 months. Wish I had gone further, cause I thought we would both be going through this together. Instead she's already moved on..... Again, thanks everyone. Really appreciate the honesty here today. I'm grateful for it.
kgcolonel Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 This is what I needed to hear. Thank You. After getting all this feedback today, I've realized I have to come up with a plan to protect me. Tonight I am going to tell her that I'm not going to be around and that we will have to have the dog in daycare tomorrow and the days I'm at work next week. Once I'm in my own place I can decide if I want to have her for the 3 days a week or not. I've also decided that I am going to start fresh with furniture and everything else. She wanted me to take our bed and table but I just don't want to back there and it will complicate the move. Now I will have the space I need to continue to heal and get stronger. (And I was until I was seeing her every day). And I had heard that women check out long before but I kind of thought she hadn't I have stopped following her on Twitter and Facebook and really just need to remove myself from this situation in a confident way as you've indicated. She saw me yesterday afternoon and I'm sure she saw how fragile I looked. Not helpful or attractive as you said. Guess I'll send her an email to update her on my plan. Sucks I'm only going to be 2 blocks away for the next 6 months. Wish I had gone further, cause I thought we would both be going through this together. Instead she's already moved on..... Again, thanks everyone. Really appreciate the honesty here today. I'm grateful for it. Add this to the Don't List....you can tell her to kennel the dog but limit it to just that and do it via text. You should just "not be around" telling her about this is reaching out and that is exactly what makes one look weak. Just don't be around. Be strong and "busy", "too busy" for nonsense. This is for you to heal and move away from thinking about her. Go to the gym, go walking, get out, join a club of interest, volunteer for a good cause etc....just don't appear to be available and idle. You can do this!! An active busy strong person is someone "in charge" of their life. You can do this!
mightycpa Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 That dog is a tether. I know you probably love that dog, and the dog hasn't done anything to you, but at the end of the day, it's a dog. In addition to that, apparently it is her dog. So let her keep her dog. Get a new dog, if that's what you want. See that as a metaphor for getting a new woman, and work on getting a couple, or even three of those. You're at the perfect age to become a player, even if you're the nice kind. Don't get all involved with someone new. It's way too early for that. Just have fun, and make life all about you. You don't have to update her about your plans. Just do it. 2
Author makemineamac Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 No reason "to tell her" anything! Stop feeling like you need to check in with her. She doesn't care - and you don't owe her anything. The more distance you create = the faster you can heal and be ready to meet someone new. Thanks, there are 3 things I need to communicate, and she saw me yesterday so she knows I am weak, so I need to let her know the following: 1. The dog has to go to daycare tomorrow and likely all next week. 2. We are not going to go through our joint storage unit until later on. 3. I am not taking any of our current possessions - couches, bed, anything. Do I just let her know all that in 1 message? And I know she doesn't care, trust me, I know. Old habits die hard I guess. I've really made this easy on her.
Author makemineamac Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) We got the dog together actually, and it's a decision I will make when I need to. I love the dog, I really do. She's a rescue who had a pretty bad life. Edited October 22, 2015 by makemineamac error
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