opalant Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Background: I'm 18, he's 19 now, we were together from the age of 15, were together for 3 and 1/4 years. He left me 5 months ago after giving me a black eye, but I would have left him myself after that if he'd given me the chance. --- I keep having really huge highs and then really huge lows. The highs last for a good couple of days, the lows maybe last a day at the most but normally I snap out of it after an hour. Like sometimes I'll just be walking or driving by myself and I'll just look around me and feel so incredibly happy that I'm not with my ex anymore. It's only been 5 months since the break up and I was with him for over 3 years so I know I'm nowhere near over him yet. But I've improved so much. Normally I'd be crying every day, dreaming about him, trying to win him back, messaging him pretending to be 'friends'. Now I'm focusing on myself and my own life and I'm feeling so positive. When I was with him he emotionally abused me, I had no motivation, it eventually turned into physical abuse and I blamed it all on myself. I cried every single day, we argued every single day and I was absolutely miserable. My friends noticed but never told me the stark difference in how I acted when I was single and when I was with him. When I was with him I was closed off and upset all the time, I didn't see them as much and I was depressed and suicidal. Now I see my friends at least every other day and I love my life so much and I'm looking forward to the years ahead without my ex. I still keep thinking about the good times with him and it's really holding me back. He's a completely different person now, so when I think of the good times it's literally like having memories with a stranger, but that just makes it even more upsetting for me. I don't know what to do? I think this is one of the main things that's holding me back and I don't know how to push past it? How do I stop holding so much value over these memories? We travelled a lot, and when I'm talking to someone about something it's always something I can contribute too but I can never say anything in the conversation because that experience involved my ex and it's so annoying. I found out about 1-2 weeks ago as well that my ex has a new girlfriend. At first I was devastated and cried for an hour or two. Now I can think about it and even imagine it and I don't feel upset, it feels a little strange because of our history together and it's weird to imagine him acting the way he did with me with someone else. But I don't get jealous about it anymore, I just feel sorry for her because I know that whether it's a few months or a few years down the line he WILL treat her like he treated me. Because he's done absolutely nothing to change his actions and doesn't even feel guilty for what he did to me. Literally just a few weeks ago he was still trying to push blame on to me for him giving me a black eye... I've been thinking about why it all went south too to try and come to terms with what happened, and to not blame myself quite so much.. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger which I think is a huge factor in the way that he acts, he was discharged for the condition last year though and now is off his meds. He was depressed and suicidal at the start of our relationship. I think he saw me as the 'perfect girl' I was shy and quiet and 'perfect' in his eyes, probably just an easy target. His Mum never gave him much attention and so I think he expected me to fill her shoes in a way. When I became depressed though he saw that I slipped up too sometimes and I wasn't perfect, which instead of comforting me he got angry and shouted at me. It all went down hill from there, I should have just left him then. I wasn't perfect either though, if he did something that I slightly didn't like I'd break up with him, he'd be devastated and then I'd get back with him, I was 15 and stupid, but I snapped out of this once I was turned 16, nearly 17. I grew up, unfortunately he never did. My ex left me not because of the abuse or the arguments, but because he believed that I caused them. Instead of sorting things out he'd leave me, so nothing got solved, and then he'd come back thinking the problem would have magically gone away. His new girlfriend is going to argue with him at one point and I don't think he realises that. He was always in the mindset that good relationships never have arguments, which is a load of rubbish. Good relationships are with people who can work through the arguments and communicate effectively so that the same argument doesn't come up again. So ye, I feel pretty much nearly over him, I know it'll happen and I've not wanted him back for a very long time now, it's just the memories that are really affecting me, and the fact that he's my first love, I'm worried I'll always remember him, I wish I didn't have to. Any advice from what I've wrote on how I can keep moving forwards?
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 You seem to be doing OK. Continue keeping busy. Set a goal for yourself so you have something to work towards
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