I've Got Everything...Except Family, Reliable Friends, and a Girlfriend

[TheBathWater]

It feels vulnerable to be writing this and putting it out there, but I can't seem to break this pattern and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm hoping some folks can chime in with some advice and input.

 

I have worked extremely hard to get where I am. I basically grew up poor, was bullied a lot, abused by family members, battled depression, and dropped out of high school young. My mother passed away when I was barely 19, my father abandoned me, and things only got worse. In my early twenties, I stumbled across a lot of self-help material on the internet that really lit a fire under my ass, and I decided to take control and change my life.

 

Today, at 31 years old, I have a graduate-level education, am wildly successful in my career, am talented with multiple hobbies and interests, am in the best shape of my life, and have accrued a TON of dating experience. I am a good looking guy - a little on the short side, but am attractive and fit with a great personality, and I have dated and been with more women than most men I know. But some issues linger...

 

I can't seem to establish regular relationship connections in my life. What little family I have left is very distant to one another, and they all go in and out of each others' lives. I have always wanted/asked for more, but am lucky to get a dinner invite once every three months. They are not that much better with each other.

 

My friends from when I was younger distanced themselves from me. They felt I became too educated, refined, etc... and that we had nothing in common. I have made some friends over the years, but similar to my family, no one is reliable or consistent. People seem to already have their favorites and my texts or requests to meet up largely go ignored or are 'forgotten' about. Once in a while, I meet up with a buddy for a drink, but then he disappears and gets 'busy' again for several weeks or months.

 

My dating life is basically the same. I seem to attract people who do not want to commit, see me intermittently, and then disappear or opt out. Recently, I met a woman who said she was open to a relationship over time. She hooked up with me, and then faded.

 

I wish I could say the problem was me, because it would make it easier to change my situation. But in all honesty, I cannot think of a single thing I'm doing to turn people away. Yes, I want connections, but I certainly don't act desperate or 'needy'. My behavior is not unusual. I am well put together, funny, smart, in shape, talented, etc... I believe I have a lot to offer to an enjoyable connection, yet it seems like every single person I know/meet is fickle, invests little to no emotion, and has no problem up and disappearing. I sometimes wonder if the fact that I have no 'home' to turn to is in and of itself off-putting, but I can't say for sure.

 

Anyway, I am really open to suggestions here. I've had enough. I would like to break this pattern and start meeting friends and maybe a girlfriend who lasts. I do not want pity. I am over myself. I have been through a lot and can handle more. I just want to push harder and do whatever it takes to break through the other side. If someone else has been through something similar and knows how to deal, or can see something here that I don't and help me out, I would be grateful.

 

Thank you.

[StBreton]

Hi tuna

 

You're very well spoken and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. After reading and rereading your post ...I've got some suggestions ...going to go back and read your other posts though to get some background on you. I'll post later

 

The cubbies are on:)

Edited October 21, 2015 by StBreton

[Gloria25]

Well, first, congratulations on overcoming the cards you were dealt with

 

Second, where are you meeting these women? I mean, maybe you need to consider checking stuff where women are more looking for commitment (i.e. church singles).

 

Lastly, don't feel bad. IMO, you're doing it the right way. You got yourself straight before taking on the responsibilities of a family/wife. Also, 30s is ideal to start looking for a permanent mate cuz you done your dating (as you posted here) and weeded through chicks to find out what you want in a permanent woman. Also, women in their 20s usually aren't looking for marriage now a days and even if they are, late 20's - early 30's is best to chose a woman who knows herself and is more mature.

 

And, don't get hooked up on lasting friendships - especially coming out of your 20's and just entering 30's. I can barely count on one hand the amount of people I truly consider a "friend".

[loveflower]

1. This is life?

2. This is just your luck?

[ShatteredLady]

I moved from England too the USA in my very late 20's. I'm now in my 40's. I've gone out of my way, in EVERY sinle way I can think of to make friends & I've met some people that I've been pretty fond of. My REAL friends are the people I've grown-up with AND the people I've experienced huge life changing experiences with (divorce, parents death etc).

 

I think it's much harder to make true friends as you get older. In the USA people seem to move around a lot & it's a HUGE country. Maybe it's the area I live in. No-one was born & raised here. 'Friendships' seem to be very biodegradable.

 

 

Relationships - When it's right, it's right. I've known people who spent years using dating sites & they ALL ended-up marrying partners that friends set them up with! I've been with my H since I was 21. The modern dating scene is alien to me.

[Qboro90]

It's possible you're expecting to much to develop from your interactions in too short a time period. Whether it's a new friend or potential dating interest, just keep in mind that it's not going to suddenly blossom overnight into a reliable partner.

 

The friends you haven't seen in a while or the buddy who you get a beer with then don't see for a few weeks. You might be harboring spite for their disinterest and then letting that affect you. If you see a friend for a beer then follow up once or twice a week with just normal banter. "You watching this game right now? That play was nuts!!" And things like that. That keeps you part of one another lives instead of an after thought.

 

Odds are your friends are unaware at how left out you feel so if you really want to have more of a social life you're going to need to suck up a little bit of pride and really make the effort to go out and see these people. If one text goes unanswered then make the phone call.

 

As far as women. Your lack of a "home life" is not going to prevent you from finding anyone. Women aren't looking to date your family and friends, they want to date you. How many people out there have such dysfunctional families that they wish they wouldn't have to introduce their partners to them? More than you can possibly imagine.

 

If you're having this hold you back in the back of your mind then let it go. It's not going to be a factor in getting a girlfriend.

[GravityMan]

I agree with Qboro90 that it seems like you're expecting too much. Friendships and relationships are usually dynamic and organic in their inception, growth and nurturing. I think you need to lower your expectations. Just chill out. Next time you chat with a friend, just shoot the breeze.

 

When you let yourself get too invested in results and outcome, then that makes things harder for you. You're getting in your own way.

 

It's "easier" for most people to make friends while they're in grade school or college, because they're surrounded by hundreds or thousands of their peers 5 days a week in a concentrated area (school building, campus grounds). Once those days pass, it's very likely that you'll no longer be surrounded by tons of peers (excluding a few fields of work), so you'll have to put forth more effort to go out and meet people, and more effort to spend time with your friends. A "social life" isn't something that's handed to you on a silver platter...you have to go out there and get it.

 

Also, you're 31 years old. The majority of people around your age are either in serious long-term relationships, or married. Many of them have kids. Their partner and kids (if any) will take priority. A lot of them also have full-time salaried jobs, and work long hours. That all adds up to less free time to hang out with friends. Going three weeks or several months between seeing a friend is not unusual. For some people, the only opportunity to get together is when someone hosts a birthday party, or has a cookout or Super Bowl gathering or whatever.